Baby Steps
Song : All through the night by Sleeping at Last
Clarke and Lexa watched Lincoln’s car drive away. Lexa hadn’t moved a bit, so Clarke tugged at her sleeve to make her come inside and closed the door behind them.
“Lexa?” Clarke carefully asked, not knowing if Lexa was in shock, blacking out, or just lost in her thoughts.
“Hum yeah. Well hum, that was... Unexpected I guess...?” Lexa said, looking at nothing.
Clarke was about to answer something, to ask the brunette if she was ok with what Ayden had said, because Clarke was, at least. She knew Lexa was going to grow more and more in Ayden’s life. In both their lives actually, but curiously, Clarke didn’t mind her boy to show her affection to the Brunette. At the second Clarke opened her mouth to speak, Lexa suddenly flew to the guest-room, carrying the paint tubes and everything she had bought to paint the room. Clarke followed her, an amused look on her face.
“Ok”, Lexa said with a serious tone, “look, maybe we could put some blue over here” she pointed to a wall, “but not paint it all blue, more like one big horizontal line in the middle?”
Clarke was slowly smiling, looking Lexa explaining her big project. “Or maybe we could paint the low-half of the wall and leave the rest white?” Lexa frowned, asking herself maybe more than asking Clarke, “because I don’t want the colour to be overwhelming, you know?”
Clarke was sure of it, now. She was deeply, madly in love with Lexa. It was spreading all over her body, taking over her heart and brain. Taking over her soul, really.
“Or we can paint a mural, onto the blue paint. You used to paint and draw, right?” Lexa asked, still focused on the walls.
She didn’t see Clarke lost in her mind for a few seconds as she was thinking about how Ayden was thrilled at the prospective of Lexa and him painting the room. How her son loved the Brunette probably as much as she loved his mother, and how Clarke was captivated by Lexa; like she was inevitable, like they were meant to be. Lexa was too focused to see Clarke keeping her eyes on her, in search of anything which could dissuade her from saying what she was going to say. Clarke was trying to take deep breaths to keep her heart from bumping too much in her chest.
“I bought paint stuff for you too” Lexa remembered, gesturing at the canvas and not taking her eyes off the walls, “I thought you would probably...”
“I love you”.
Lexa’s head snapped towards Clarke. “W... What?”
“I love you” Clarke repeated, echoing the words Ayden had said a little bit earlier, and Lexa’s mind exploded with feelings, a tear falling from her eyes. She stayed still for a few seconds, not daring moving a single muscle, scanning Clarke’s face to see if this was true, in search of doubts or anything which could tell her that Clarke wasn’t sincere.
“Lexa”, Clarke whispered, taking a small step towards Lexa, “I love you. I do. I love you”
Lexa didn’t need confirmation anymore as she rushed to crush their lips together. It wasn’t a slow kiss, this time, it was messy and needy and everything else they wanted, needed, to tell each other.
Clarke brought her hands to Lexa’s hair while Lexa’s were wandering all over Clarke’s neck and back. There were no more limits, no more shyness and no more hesitation. Lexa slowly pushed Clarke against the wall, and the Blonde let her, without panicking. Without even thinking about it.
Lexa’s tongue was asking for entrance, and Clarke granted it, putting both her arms around the Brunette’s neck to support herself while Lexa was ravaging her face and lips with kisses.
And then, when they both went out of air, they stopped, resting their foreheads against each other. Lexa closed her eyes; scared Clarke would take her words back.
But Clarke did not; instead, they parted, and Clarke gently guided them towards Lexa’s room. She made Lexa sit on the bed, and sat herself on the Brunette’s lap, gently caressing Lexa’s skin on her forearms. She could see Lexa stressing out and thinking too much. But she was sure.
“I love you” Clarke said again, and a tear fell from Lexa’s eye. Clarke lightly kissed it away. The brunette slowly slid her hands under Clarke’s shirt, silently asking for permission. The blonde raised her arms so Lexa could take her top off of her. Lexa hold her breath when Clarke was left in her bra, in awe of her lover’s body. She gently kissed the Blonde’s right collar bone, and then the left one. She kissed that spot, on Clarke’s neck, which made the Blonde shiver under Lexa’s mouth.
Then, Clarke helped Lexa get rid of her own t-shirt while kissing her shoulders. Lexa turned Clarke around, laying her onto the bed. She began to kiss Clarke’s chest, and went down, trailing kisses until she had reached her belly button. There was no need to go further, for now, as they were both drowning into each other. When Clarke moaned, Lexa crushed their lips together again. The Brunette detached her bra, letting her breasts out for blue eyes to stare. Clarke gasped, and let her hands slowly wander on the new revealed skin, raising shivers all over Lexa's body in the process. Lexa then kissed every bruised spot on Clarke’s skin with an extra intention, as if Clarke’s skin was some kind of glass thing which was going to break at any moment. Clarke let a tear escape at the tenderness Lexa was putting in her kisses and small touches. The Brunette was quick to wipe it away. The Blonde removed her own bra too, and it was Lexa’s turn to stare in awe.
“You are so, so beautiful” Lexa whispered, tracing Clarke’s right breast with her fingers, “You have no idea how beautiful you are”.
Clarke tugged her even closer, trying to make them fusion into a single person; with their chests collided together and hands touching every single bit of skin they could have access to.
Lexa put her hands around Clarke’s waistband, asking for permission again. Clarke nodded, and Lexa removed the Blonde pants, kicking them at the edge of the bed while overwhelming Clarke’s chest and breasts with slow kisses.
Lexa saw Clarke blush; the Blonde suddenly feeling very self-conscious and vulnerable and so damaged. She tried to put her arms on her chest to cover herself up, but Lexa gently tugged the arms away.
“Don’t cover yourself” Lexa whispered, trying to soothe Clarke by rolling her thumb on the Blonde’s cheek, “you’re perfect to me”.
Lexa then removed her own pants, her mouth never leaving Clarke’s mouth and skin. Still, the Blonde was beginning to have trouble breathing correctly, and Lexa knew well why.
“You are gorgeous” the brunette murmured, planting another kiss on Clarke’s belly, “baby steps. We won’t do something you don’t want to”.
Clarke nodded. She loved Lexa, and she wanted her, god how bad she fully wanted Lexa to be hers and to be Lexa’s. But she was still hurt, physically and psychologically, because of Finn. She wasn’t completely ready yet.
“I love you” Clarke whispered, bringing Lexa’s chin up so their eyes would cross.
Clarke could see the green teary eyes staring to her, and crushed their lips once more, trying to make Lexa understand everything she wasn’t yet ready to say, everything she wanted to let out of her chest, everything she wanted to do even if she wasn’t ready yet. And as if she had understood, Lexa put the covers upon them and they buried themselves in each other’s embraces where nothing could reach them. Clarke was feeling Lexa’s breathing on her neck and Lexa’s skin against her own, only in their panties, and Lexa was feeling Clarke slightly shaking in her arms.
“You are safe” Lexa whispered, tugging Clarke closer, “I’ve got you”.
Lexa felt a few tears fell on her skin. “I’ve got you” she said once more.
Two hours later and Lexa was awakening, frowning; something was on top of her. Then, she felt Clarke’s bare skin on her chest, the blonde’s arms around her. They were both naked. Lexa smiled, because she hadn’t been in such a position since Costia.
Lexa’s eyes widened. She realised Clarke was the first person she had been this intimate with, since Costia.
Lexa felt her throat tighten. She hadn’t think about her in a while, now. She had forgotten about Costia. Tears were beginning to fall from Lexa’s eyes as she was desperately trying to remove herself from Clarke’s embrace. She couldn’t betray Costia like this. She couldn’t. Everything was wrong. Soon, it became too much and Lexa nearly fell from the bed in trying to get up. Frantically, she picked up her clothes while making as less sounds as she could, and escaped the bedroom.
She couldn’t get close to Clarke like this. This was wrong. Costia must hate me now, Lexa thought, letting more tears roll down her cheeks.
She fumbled into the living-room, finishing getting dressed and trying to put her shoes on. But she didn’t see Ayden’s toy car on the floor, and nearly fell by slipping on it, sending the toy bang into the opposite wall. Lexa cursed herself for making some noise; Clarke couldn’t wake up.
Lexa headed for the door. She needed to get out of here. She needed to leave. She couldn’t be here, she couldn’t feel all the things she was feeling. It was wrong.
But as she was reaching for the doorknob, a small voice made itself heard.
“Lexa?”
Lexa turned around, to see Clarke standing in the middle of the living-room with a large shirt on and glossy blue eyes.
“Lexa, what are you doing?” Clarke asked again, her voice threatening to break and her lower lips shaking. She could see it. Lexa was going to leave. She was going to run away. Clarke knew well Lexa hadn’t say “I love you” back, and she knew it was probably a hard thing to say for Lexa because of her past and she didn’t mind, but she couldn’t believe Lexa was going to leave her alone in the apartment, once again. Without telling her. Just leaving her, like it was no big deal. Abandoning her.
Lexa tried to turn the doorknob to escape without saying anything, but then, she saw Clarke falling on her knees, head buried in her hands. This stopped her. She couldn’t leave her. She cared way too much. They had promised each other not to run, to talk with each other. She couldn’t break this promise.
Lexa closed the door and made her way back to the girl, who raised her face full of tears at the sound of Lexa’s footsteps.
Lexa kneeled next to Clarke, looking at the floor, ashamed of herself.
“I’m sorry Clarke” Lexa whispered, “You deserve so much more”.
But Clarke brought a hand to Lexa’s chin, making her look at her. “You don’t get to decide what or who I deserve, Lexa” Clarke said in a small voice, sniffing, “you don’t get to take that decision for me”.
Clarke sighed, wiping her tears, and Lexa could see the Blonde’s lips shaking. “I can choose for myself. I chose you. So if you don’t want me, just tell me, please, because it hurts not to know” Clarke added in a murmur, a few tears falling down from her beautiful blue eyes.
And it made Lexa break down in sobs. First taking by surprise, Clarke was quick to embrace the brunette in a tight hug as Lexa was crying her eyes out, clutching at Clarke’s shirt.
Lexa was so confused, so lost. She loved Costia, she had loved her with all her heart, but now Costia was dead and she couldn’t love her the way she used to, because it was useless; Costia was gone, and the girl couldn’t love her back anymore. And then there was Clarke, beautiful charming Clarke with her sweet face and beautiful body and wonderful lips and those baby blue eyes Lexa was so, so in love with. The brunette knew well Costia wouldn’t mind her being with someone again; Costia had been a really good person, and Lexa knew she would have wanted her to find love again. And Clarke was here, with Ayden, only asking for someone to care about them.
Clarke was gently rocking Lexa back and forth to calm her down. Clarke was afraid; she had been woken up by some noise in the living-room, and had found herself alone in bed. She had immediately understood. Lexa was running away. She had rushed out of bed to find Lexa ready to head out, and her heart had broken in thousand pieces again.
But now, Lexa was crying in her arms like she had probably never cried before, and Clarke was so scared everything was coming to an end.
“Lexa, I know this is a messed-up situation” Clarke whispered, crying a little too while still rocking Lexa, “I know it’s complicated because of our pasts, because of Ayden and everything, but I think we can go through this, together”.
Lexa let another sob escape her chest; she knew Clarke was right. Their lives were so fucked up, and Clarke didn’t know half of what Lexa had had to go through; neither did Lexa know about Clarke’s life. Lexa already believed they could go through almost everything together; it wasn’t hard. Everything was easier with Clarke around her, caring about her; loving her. But this also meant it was making Lexa weak; if she was to lose Clarke, that would probably tear her down.
“And I know they are days harder than others, and we still have so much to learn about each other” Clarke continued, sniffing to slow her own tears, “but Lexa please don’t bail on me because you’re afraid... I’m scared as hell too.”
This made Lexa stop crying. She had heard the fear, the sadness in Clarke’s voice, and she couldn’t do that to her. She couldn’t just run away from what was scaring her anymore.
“And what if I’m too broken?” Lexa whispered, burying herself more in Clarke’s chest, “What if I’m hard to love?”
It made Clarke chuckle, and Lexa raise her head to look at the blonde with a questioning look on her face. “Lexa, I fell in love the very first day I saw you, hidden behind your tree, watching us with your worried eyes”, the Blonde half-laughed while sniffing.
Lexa smiled at the memory. “You knew”.
“Yes” Clarke confirmed, smiling back. “I sure was homeless; not eyes-less.”
Lexa chuckled, closing her eyes to rest against Clarke’s warm body. They stayed like this for a while, taking comfort in each other’s presence.
“Lexa”, Clarke said after a while.
“Hm?”
“Would you tell me what happened to Costia?” Clarke gently asked. She knew it was probably the thing which had triggered Lexa earlier in the night, but she didn’t want to push the girl to talk about it if she wasn’t ready.
Lexa hummed. Clarke had the right to know; and Lexa desperately needed to get it out of her chest and talk about it with someone. She removed herself from Clarke’s arms, got up, and held her hand for Clarke to take. She took them back to her bedroom, sliding under the bed sheets, snuggling against each other.
“I want to tell you” Lexa whispered, “but I just... I’m...” She was getting angry at herself for stumbling on her words and not managing to speak her mind.
“It’s okay Lexa”, Clarke murmured back, burying her nose into Lexa’s neck and putting an arm on her belly, “It doesn’t need to be tonight. We are in no hurry.”
Lexa nodded, and gently kissed Clarke on the cheek, succeeding to hide the tear which had just fell on her own cheek, at how lucky she was to have Clarke to hold at night.
“Clarke?” Lexa said after a while, when Clarke thought the Brunette was already asleep.
“Yes?” Clarke hummed.
“Will we be ok?” Lexa asked in a scared voice. Clarke knew Lexa didn’t mean that as “Lexa and Clarke”, but rather as two individuals struggling with their pasts.
Clarke tightened her hold on the Brunette. “I don’t know. I hope we will. But maybe if we stick together, it won’t be that hard”.
“Yeah. I think we will”. Lexa sighed in contentment before intertwining their fingers and surely drifting to sleep.
Clarke was broken; Lexa was too, and they both knew it. It didn’t mean they had to stay broken for ever; and maybe they could find strength in each other. Because if they had been given the gift to love someone, even after all the crap they had gone through, love had to be worth it, right? *
All through the night, I'll be awake and I'll be with you.
All through the night, this precious time, when time is new.
All, all through the night today, knowing that we feel
the same, without saying, the same without saying
We have no past we won't reach back,
Keep with me forward all through the night
and once we start a meter clicks,
and it goes running all through the night.
Until it ends, there is no end.