How Are You Still Holding On?
Song : One Day by Kodaline
Sunday morning 4am, and Clarke was screaming into the bed’s sheets, tossing and turning like she was possessed or something. Lexa jolted awake because the blonde was kicking her in her back.
“Clarke wake up it’s a dream!” Lexa tried to wake her up, failing. Lexa didn’t take long to think of something. Ayden was here, and there was no way Lexa would let Clarke wake the boy up with her screams.
Lexa picked up Clarke, trying not to drop her as Clarke continued to fight to be released in her sleep. The brunette practically ran to the bathroom with Clarke in her arms. She got into the bathtub with Clarke in her arms.
“Clarke you have to wake up!” Lexa shouted again but Clarke was still asleep, trapped in her night terror.
Lexa sat in the bathtub, holding Clarke against her, she turned on the cold water. Lexa almost screamed when the ice cold water hit her. As soon as the water hit the girls, Clarke jolted awake, throwing her arms in the air, probably very disoriented.
“Clarke you’re ok, I’ve got you” Lexa said, running a hand through blonde locks and turning the water back onto hot so they wouldn’t get sick.
Clarke’s eyes were glancing everywhere, as panic swept through her mind. Where is she, what happened, why is she in the bathtub, who is this person pressed into her?
One day it’s here and then it’s gone
How are you still holding on?
How are you still holding on?
“Clarke you had a nightmare, I’m sorry, I had to wake you up” Lexa apologized, and Clarke burst into tears when she recognized the voice. Lexa. She was with Lexa. Lexa was here. What she had seen a few minutes ago had only been a dream. She was safe. Lexa’s heart broke at the sight of Clarke completely broken, her body racked by sobs. “Clarke please, don’t cry, everything’s ok...” Lexa whispered, her own tears threatening to fall down.
You felt this way for far too long
Waiting for a change to come
You know you’re not the only one
Lexa brought Clarke impossibly closer, trying to melt them into one. Clarke clenched Lexa’s shirt into her fists, holding onto her for dear life, as she was crying her eyes out. When had her life become like this? How long before the nightmares stop? She felt Lexa embrace her in strong arms, as warm water was soon soaking her clothes.
“Try to breathe, Clarke” Lexa whispered to the girl, taking deep breaths through her nose, counting “one...two...three…” and releasing it out her mouth for Clarke to mimic, “yeah, keep breathing” she encouraged Clarke as she was imitating her, “that’s good, keep breathing like this.”
As Clarke was slowly calming down, she was snuggling more and more into Lexa’s body, her body finally starting to relax, and Lexa didn’t dare stop her calming motions on Clarke’s back.
And life... Passes you by
Don’t be waste your time, on your own
A few minutes later, Lexa shook Clarke slowly, because the girl was falling asleep on top of Lexa, and the bath was getting cold, but Clarke tightened her grip on the brunette, making her frown. “I’m right here, but we have to get out of the tub or we’ll get sick” Lexa said, and Clarke looked up at her with blue eyes, taking Lexa’s breath away.
“Lexa, I...” Clarke started, her voice still hoarse from all the crying.
“You don’t have to say anything.” Lexa whispered, “It’s ok. I’m here.”
Clarke nodded, and Lexa wiped the last tears from the blonde’s cheeks. Lexa then tucked a blonde lock behind Clarke’s ear, while blue eyes were still locked with green. Clarke’s heart was melting for the brunette; Lexa was so selfless, so focused on her that Clarke felt like Lexa was the answer to everything. She already was, for a lot of things; after all, Lexa had been the one to get them off of the cold streets, the one to make Ayden feel safe enough to open himself up to adults again, and even Clarke was slowly back to her older shiny self around Lexa.
You’re always trying to see yourself
Through the eyes of someone else
Through the eyes of someone else
Lexa saw the thoughts written across Clarke’s face, and slowly cupped Clarke’s face in her hands, gently caressing the skin with her thumbs. Then, their nose brushed against each other, the same way they did before their first kiss. Clarke leaned a bit more, brushing Lexa’s lips, and Lexa finally closed the few remaining centimetres keeping her apart from the blonde’s lips, and kissed the girl. The kiss was slow, gentle and careful as if one of them was going to run away or break under it. But in that kiss, they were both expressing so many things the air around them was intoxicated with feelings. Intoxicated by the care Lexa was giving the blonde, by the reassurance she was offering, and Clarke with all the trust, love, affection and respect she had for the brunette.
Too shy to say that you need help
You and everybody else
You and everybody else
“Come on,” Lexa whispered slowly breaking the kiss, “let’s get out of here.” She got up and helped Clarke get out of the tub. Lexa wrapped Clarke in a towel and went to get dry clothes. She helped the blonde get dressed, because Clarke still had some injuries keeping her from doing some moves, and went to take a nap to catch some sleep.
Except sleep didn’t come, and the girls stayed awake, Clarke almost on top of Lexa, while the brunette was drawing small circles on the blonde’s back. Clarke could almost hear Lexa thinking, though.
“What is it?” Clarke murmured.
Lexa lifted her head so she could meet Clarke’s eyes. “Nothing, why?”
Clarke smiled, because she knew that Lexa was hiding something. “I can hear you thinking. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
It was Lexa’s turn to smile, because she was impressed with Clarke’s ability to read her so well. “I was wondering about things.”
“What things?”
“Things about my past. Your past. I have so many questions, there’s so much I don’t know about you, and it’s makes me sad sometimes” Lexa sighed, defeated.
“Sad why?” Clarke asked, because she was surprised by what Lexa was telling her.
“Sad that I can’t help you get better” Lexa whispered, her heart breaking at the thought, “sad that I don’t know what is terrifying you like this. I’m feeling... useless”.
Clarke then positioned herself to get a better look at Lexa. “Listen to me” Clarke murmured, gently lifting Lexa’s chin to make the brunette look at her, “You’re doing so many things already”, Clarke whispered again, “I don’t know what would have happened to Ayden and I if you hadn’t been here”.
“But...” Lexa wanted to protest. Clarke was still having nightmares every night. Ayden would still cry when she was coming home late from work, thinking she abandoned him. Clarke was still afraid to go on a walk by the streets without Lexa by her side. There was so much more Lexa could do to make them feel better, but she had no ideas how.
“There’s no buts” Clarke cut her off. The blonde sighed, and look down at their hands, taking one of Lexa’s in hers. “I want to tell you about myself” Clarke murmured, still not looking at Lexa, “but if I do, I’ll no longer be a stranger to you, and you’ll see me as I really am, and I don’t like that person very much”.
Clarke had stilled her head, looking down in shame. She had done horrible things, in her past. Terrible things, even if it was for her people, to protect the ones she loved. After the plane crash, she had killed multiple people to protect the group. She had made very difficult decisions, in their names. It didn’t make her actions good, though. There was no excuse. She had to do the things she had done, but it didn’t mean they were good.
“Clarke”, Lexa then said, lifting Clarke’s chin like the girl had done a few minutes earlier, “you never were a stranger to me”, Lexa offered with a simple smile, “and nothing you could tell me will change the way I already see you”.
Oh, life passes you by
Don’t waste your time
On your own
Clarke nodded, and swallowed. It was now 5:30am, it was too early for deep discussions, weren’t those supposed to happen late at night? But she did want to tell Lexa about Finn, about her mother, about everything that had happened since her life had turned into a living hell. She wanted to explain to Lexa why she had been on the streets, why she was having nightmares every night.
“I... I don’t know where to start” Clarke huffed, furious with herself; she had so many things to say and yet she couldn’t phrase anything.
“Take your time”, Lexa reassured her, squeezing her hand, “why don’t you start with Finn?” the brunette suggested.
Clarke nodded, taking comfort, support and bravery in Lexa’s touch. “I met Finn during high school. I was new to the school, because we had just moved to the city, and I didn’t have many friends. Actually I did have one friend, Wells, but that is another story” Clarke paused, not wanting to mix everything in her explanations, “so one day, as I was eating my lunch alone, and this black-haired guy came up to me, asking if he could sit with me. His name was Finn”.
Lexa smiled at the blonde, encouraging her to continue.
“I said yes, because what else was I supposed to do? And then, he did so every lunch for a whole month. We became friends, close friends, and he introduced me to his group; there was Octavia, Jasper, Monty, Harper, Monroe, Murphy, Atom, and more people from the school” Clarke said while remembering all the people she used to hang with, “We all used to hang out together. One day, at a party, we met Bellamy, Octavia’s older brother –you met him already-, and at the same party, Finn... Finn kissed me.”
Clarke made a pause, trying to figure the best way to explain their relationship, because it was so messy and everything was a mess in her head. Then again, Lexa didn’t say anything and waited until Clarke was ready to speak again.
“We ended up sleeping together, that night” Clarke murmured, because it was the last day before everything became complicated. “The next day, a brunette was knocking at my door, and before I could ask her name, she had already punched me in the face so hard I was lying on the ground for a couple of seconds” Clarke chuckled at the memory. “Turned out Raven was Finn’s girlfriend, who I was totally not aware of, who Finn thought he was never going to see again. After that day, I stopped dating Finn, because Raven went to the same school as us, and Finn and I avoided each other for several months. Well,” Clarke snorted, “I was avoiding him”.
Lexa smiled again, because she had never heard Clarke talk so much, and she was glad she was here to listen to the blonde’s beautiful voice.
Yeah life passes you by
Don’t be wasting your time
All alone
“But then slowly, Raven and he drifted apart, and a couple of months later, I was back to dating Finn. At first, it was weird because Raven was a part of the group, and I didn’t like being with Finn in front of her, but ultimately Raven and I both got used to it” Clarke smiled, “She’s one of my best friends now”.
Lexa nodded, because that was true; those three with Octavia had a special connection, Lexa had seen it multiples times when they had been here.
“But then, I... We all fight with our respective parents” Clarke said, not ready to tell her father’s story yet, “for multiples reasons, and two weeks later, we were all together in a plane to go on holiday, on a trip organised by the school. We even managed to make Bellamy coming with us!”
Lexa frowned, because she was feeling like things hadn’t go as planned.
“But... There was something about the plane, a major defect, and the plane crashed into an unknown place; two of us died because of the crash”, Clarke said shivering at the thought, “and slowly, we learned we were not alone, and we fought to survive until finally people found us”.
Lexa couldn’t stop herself from embracing Clarke into her arms. She couldn’t bare the fact of Clarke being alone surrounded by danger, even hurt. “With Bellamy”, Clarke continued, “We did our best to keep them all alive, but from the one hundred people on that plane, we lost so many...”
Clarke’s voice was slowly breaking, because she hadn’t talk about it like this, with anyone. Of course sometimes someone in the group was mentioning it, but they had never talked about it, describing it, telling about what had happened to someone not from the group. And Clarke had to say, the more she was talking, the more her chest was feeling less heavy.
As your heart gets bigger
And you try to figure out
What’s it all about
“Atom died from something strange, it burned him to the bone. Another boy took an axe right to his face. Jasper had a spear stuck in his chest. Raven took a bullet, it’s stuck in her spine. That’s why she has a brace to help her walk” Clarke explained; Lexa hadn’t asked the question, but the blonde knew the brunette had been very curious about it.
“Then people found us, but life was never the same. The plane incident changed a lot of us, even the most peaceful of us. We came back, and decided to live here, in the same building, all together, close to each other.”
Lexa nodded again, because she already knew they were all living close to each other.
“But the neighbourhood is full of violence, and we had a hard time living there too. Remember my friend, Wells? He was shot to death near our building. Monroe died trying to protect us.”
Lexa was clenching her teeth, angry about everything Clarke was telling her. Such a girl didn’t deserve a life like this. It wasn’t fair.
“And Finn changed, too. First, he became more violent, not dealing very well with people around us dying, and one day, I...” Clarke trailed off.
Lexa immediately calmed herself, knowing Clarke needed her support, not her anger. “One day, while I was working at the hospital, I was late to come home, like five or six hours late, and everyone was worried, and... And Finn didn’t take it well. He got crazy, and threatened the local drug dealer for having kidnapped me”.
Lexa’s eyes widened, because she didn’t know there was any drugs dealers around Clarke’s place. Where was she living anyways? But Lexa didn’t think about it more as Clarke was speaking again.
“He got mad, and he... He shot people. Killed them on spot.” A tear was rolling down Clarke’s cheek, and Lexa was quick to bury the girl into her arms.
“He was never the same after that, and I started to fear him; he wasn’t the man I knew” Clarke murmured, “but then I learned I was pregnant, and it was obviously Finn’s, and he asked me to move into a bigger house, and what was I supposed to say? I couldn’t raise a child by myself, and I couldn’t keep Finn away from his child either” Clarke explained.
Lexa’s heart was hurting for the blonde, knowing how hard that must have been.
“And soon Ayden was born, and he... It was like he didn’t care” Clarke whispered, so low Lexa almost missed the end of the sentence, “he was never there. He started drinking. And he started to get angry. Like, really angry.”
Clarke didn’t have to say much and Lexa understood that this is when Finn had started to beat Clarke up, and it was making her sick.
And your skin gets thicker
As you try to figure out
What’s it all about
“And I don’t know how I could have been so blind, I could have ran away a thousand times from him, but I...” Clarke trailed off again, angry tears falling from blue eyes, “I was always telling myself he was going to calm down.”
Lexa brought the girl impossibly closer to her; she wished she could absorb all of Clarke’s pain and carry it herself.
“But one night, he... It was too much” Clarke continued, “He was throwing everything he could find at me, and this day, I thought I was going to die” Clarke whispered, “He told me he was going to hurt Ayden. So I ran away in the middle of the night with Ayden. I had already done it once, but this time, I didn’t want to go back. I wanted to stay away from him. And two weeks later, you...”
“That is when I found you” Lexa finished for her. Against her chest, Clarke was fully crying now, and Lexa couldn’t stop a few tears from escaping her own eyes. “I’m here now, you’re safe, he will never hurt you again” Lexa whispered, rocking her a little.
They stayed like this for a while, slowly regaining their composure. “I know you might feel like we don’t know each other” Lexa then gently said, “but we are not strangers. We will never be. We’ll get through this. Together.”
Clarke nodded, she was not afraid anymore; Lexa was here, and she knew she could trust her. Clarke couldn’t get out of this mess without help. She needed Lexa. She needed her friends. And she was going to accept help. There was no shame in asking for help; Clarke was slowly beginning to understand. It was only making you stronger.
Yeah life passes you by
Don’t waste your time
On your own
But Lexa still had thoughts racing through her mind, and Clarke noticed it. “Tell what you’re thinking about, Lexa” Clarke murmured, still on top of the girl.
“How are you still holding on?” Lexa gently asked. She was amazed by the girl on top of her.
“Ayden” Clarke said, “I’m holding on for Ayden. He needs me. I can’t fail him” Clarke answered in a whisper. Lexa nodded; she understood.
A few hours later, Ayden was running towards the two sleeping girls, waving his hands in the air and poking them in the face while shouting “Breakfast time” all around the flat. Lexa got up, quickly kissing Clarke’s forehead in the process, and went into the kitchen with Ayden to prepare breakfast. Clarke slowly awoke too, watching the two of them interact. Ayden was laughing his ass off as Lexa was showing him how to make orange juice with real fruit, and the machine she was using was apparently making Ayden laugh a lot.
Then, Lexa noticed Clarke watching them, and went to her, holding out her hand for the blonde to take with a smile. Clarke intertwined their fingers, following Lexa into the kitchen. Maybe Lexa is one of the reasons she’s still holding on, too.
One day it’s here and then it’s gone
How are you still holding on?
How are you still holding on?