The Decision

Clarke spun on the spot, locking eyes with Lexa and without a single thought, felt her legs carrying her forward and then in one swift movement she found herself leaping up and over the railing before landing several feet below.

As a blend of concerned voices filled her ears, Clarke straightened up and advanced on Lexa as a predator on prey, but when Lexa’s arms opened, the only thing that she could do was leap and crash their bodies together much in the same way that she had on the very first night that they’d met.

“I’m sorry,” Lexa quickly said as she closed her arms around her and held on tight. “I had to,” she shook her head.
“You asshole,” Clarke whispered as she closed her eyes, suddenly feeling a rush of tears slip down her cheeks.
“I had to,” Lexa repeated, pressing her forehead down as though trying to burrow into her neck.
Clarke leaned back and took either side of her beautiful face in her hands. “Six years,” she spoke firmly, staring into her eyes. “You’re so stupid,” she shook her head, feeling Lexa’s fist close on the sides of her t-shirt. She didn’t mean it, not really – but, God, this woman.
Lexa stared back at her, a visible pain showing in her eyes. “They were horrible people, Clarke,” she stated as her own tears began to build. “I knew what would happen – how far they would go. I couldn’t let them,” she paused and shook her head, allowing several tears to streak down her face. “I just couldn’t.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Clarke questioned her. A stupid question – maybe, but an honest one.
“You couldn’t know,” Lexa responded, shaking her head again and attempting to choke back her tears. “I knew…you said you couldn’t…so, I knew if I acted horribly – if I acted like them. If I just cast you all aside for something seemingly bigger and better, you would hate me for it – all of you. I banked on it.”
“But, why?” Clarke questioned, feeling her mind slightly swirl. “Why would you want us to actually hate you?”

While it was true, when Lexa had interned for her father and that similar side reared, she really couldn’t take it – she just couldn’t, but it had never made her hate her or even consider hating her. Back then, the thought was just that she could never.

“It wasn’t a want, Clarke. I never wanted it. I needed it,” Lexa explained firmly. “Every bridge that I had, had to be burnt. It had to be. It was the only way,” she tightened her grip slightly. “There couldn’t be anything that connected us - nothing. If there was, they would have found it. They would have known.”

Clarke stared back at her, her mind now flooding as all the things that she hadn’t known quickly began to replace everything that she thought she had.

Lexa hadn’t abandoned her – not in the manner that she had believed, nor had she wanted to. All of it had been a lie. She hadn’t used her or rejected her. She had loved her – protected her, and in the process, likely subjected herself to what Clarke was quite sure had been a six-year living nightmare.

It was true, Lexa’s parents were horrible people. Completely true. Not a single question about it They were the worst of the absolute worst. They were power hungry and selfish, vindictive and abusive – dangerous, horrible, horrible people.

“I thought that my leaving would put an end to it,” Lexa continued anxiously, “and outwardly, it did or at least, I thought it did, but they never stopped – not really,” she drew a shaky breath, her eyes glossing over once more. “Last night, I read everything – everything about your life. Where you’ve been, what you have been doing, degrees you’ve gotten – dental procedures you’ve had,” she rambled on mindlessly. “Fuck, I even know that Abby had her….”
“Ahem,” Abby suddenly appeared at their side, a funny look playing in her eyes. “Let’s not get into to what work I may or may not have had done, okay?”
Clarke felt her jaw slip slightly. Say what now? No way. “Oh, we are so coming back to this,” she told her, pointing her finger and shaking her head.
Lexa’s lips stretched into a warm smile as she nodded, letting her gaze drop to the ground and finally let go, moving to step away.

Immediately Clarke’s hand shot back, capturing Lexa’s wrist, and holding it in place. Though it was hard to explain, everything that was happening was making her spin and Lexa’s grip was grounding. After a quick glance, Lexa returned her hand, but again, let her eye’s drop.

“You know,” Abby said softly as she stared, shaking her head lightly. “Somehow, I feel like I owe you an apology, Lexa,”
“Don’t we all,” Octavia chimed in as she came up behind them with her hands buried deep in her pockets and a remorseful look showing in her eyes.
“No,” Lexa’s eye bolted up, bouncing between them. “No, you absolutely do not. No one does. It was my choice – my decision, and regardless of the outcome, I still stand by it.”

Regardless of the outcome? Clarke stared at her. Exactly what outcome was she referring to?

“I am quite sure that’s true,” Abby continued. “But I was pretty harsh with you that night on the street and honestly, had Raven not pummeled you herself…” she paused, drawing what appeared to be a steadying breath and shaking her head lightly. “I was so angry with you.”
“Your tone told me as much,” Lexa nodded, releasing a small grin. “I can’t say that I would have blam…”
“Well now, ain’t that some shit?” Raven’s voice suddenly joined the conversation.
“Just because I felt it, doesn’t mean that I would have done anything, Raven,” Abby pointed out quickly, rolling her eyes and folding her hands.
“Dealing with this slick bitch and her bullshit, ritzy demeanor,” Raven responded with a jerk of her thumb in Lexa’s direction and gave her a look. “Eh, pretty sure that you might have.”
Clarke couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped her lips. Knowing her mother and how things unfolded that night, yeah – truth be told, in that moment, she just might have.
“Well, I still say that you didn’t have to,” Anya added her two-cents, now appearing at Raven’s side and giving her a slight nudge.
“Have to? No. Want to?” Raven shrugged simply. “Fuckin-a right,” she finished with a rather proud grin.
“You really could have used a little less power,” Lexa told her, her eye twitching slightly.
“Hey,” Raven shrugged again. “You were warned.”
“Come here,” Abby said, as she stepped forward, suddenly pulling Lexa into a hug.
Clarke stood by, just watching them and feeling one of the strangest and yet warmest of sensations start to bloom in her chest.

One by one, people continued to join the reunion that was now taking place in the yard. Everyone was being very welcoming and accepting – very thankful and though Lexa kept quietly expressing that no one needed to, everyone continued to express their gratitude and even offer their own apologies. As the group of them moved back up on to the deck, Clarke took a seat off to the side, remaining silent for the most part and choosing instead to just listen and watch, while absorbing this unexpected turn of events.

Learning that everything hadn’t been at all what she thought it had was a lot to take in. From the moment that Lexa had appeared at the bar on the night of her engagement party, everything had changed. Changed? Reverted? Something. From that night on, it had been literally impossible not to think about her, not to remember and not to feel.

Clarke had been on an emotional roller coaster. One that was insanely chaotic, with twists and turns that could somehow take her to incredible heights and others that left her stalled in the lowest possible section. She had experienced moments of sadness and anger, of hurt and resentment, but there had also been moments where she felt that warmth again, where she felt that undeniable magnetism and where she felt that maybe – just maybe, their story wasn’t quite so over.

Some time later, long after the sun dropped down behind the mountain, everyone had moved inside and for the first time all day, Clarke found herself sitting alone on the deck with Lexa.

“I truly am sorry, Clarke,” Lexa suddenly said, breaking the silence between them.
Clarke looked up, eyeing her curiously. Sorry? “For what exactly?”
“Hurting you so badly. Turning your life into such a circus,” Lexa shrugged, shaking her head lightly. “From everything that I read, I know…” she paused, swallowing hard. “I know how bad it got.”
Clarke chewed on her words for a moment. It was strange, knowing that Lexa knew so much about her life, about what she had gone through and how it had been. Closing her eyes, she felt her mind drift back to her hospital stay again.

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“I don’t understand,” Clarke said aloud as she laid in the dark hospital room, staring at the ceiling.

There was no way to process or understand Lexa leaving the way that she had. It just didn’t make any damn sense. Lexa had felt it, she was sure that she had. It was impossible that she hadn’t. Everything – everything that had transpired between them since the night that they had met was proof enough. There was something different about their meeting, something – cosmic, about them.

They were born for each other. Made for each other. Two sides of the exact same coin. So, why? Why would she just up and abandon her like this? It just didn’t make any sense.

It couldn’t have been for money. It couldn’t have been. Lexa didn’t really care about the money. Did she? The power. Lexa had seen what power turned her parents into. No way she would want that for her future. There was just no way. Was there? Had it all really been nothing? Meant, nothing?

As her thoughts began to collide and stack on top of one another, Clarke felt her body temperature start to climb and the pressure beginning to build. It was too much – all too much and none of it made sense. She needed information – she needed answers. She needed to know how and why and what in the world God was playing at by putting her though this! She needed…

“Lexa!!!!” Clarke screamed, gripping the sheets and withering around as a tide wave of pain began to wash over her.

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Blinking quickly and pulling herself back into reality, Clarke shook her head. Nope. “It was bad – really bad,” she admitted with a small nod. “Bad for a long time, but, if we’re being completely honest here,’ she paused, redirecting her eyes. “I can’t imagine that you were fairing much better.” It was true.
Lexa released a scoff and shook her head, “Oh, I definitely had my share of bad,” she told her quietly. “Nothing about what I did was easy. But, just to be clear, I don’t want or expect and sympathy for it.”
Clarke continued to watch her. No surprise there. A question had been burning a hole in her brain for some time now, and she just couldn’t decide if she wanted the answer. “What did you mean when you said regardless of the outcome?” Ugh, fuck.
Lexa shifted in her seat and crossed her legs. “Well, my initial goal was for you – all of you, to just be left alone. To be safe,” she explained, pushing her hair back. “Once I believed that I had achieved that, I set my sights on pleasing them and being the person that they wanted me to be, in the hopes that, well, in the hopes that, one – they would just leave me alone and two, that one day - somehow, I’d be completely free of any hold that they had over me,” she shrugged lightly, shaking her head a bit. “Achieved that one too.”
“But?” Clarke questioned, feeling as though there was more coming.
Lexa looked at her. “But it cost me you,” she said quietly as a small, sad grin pulled at the side of her lips.

Clarke held her gaze, feeling her heart rate tick up and finding herself oddly unable to respond.

Lexa swallowed hard, the muscles in her jaw tightening. “Clarke, you are the only thing that I have ever really wanted, but in order to try and protect you from them, I had to make the conscious decision, to lose you. I had to. However, the bottom line – the truth,” she continued, her tone hardening slightly. “Is that even knowing the overall outcome – knowing the specific cost and the pain that it caused everyone involved – regardless of all of that, I would do it again,” she finished briskly, getting to her feet and beginning to pace. “And maybe that makes me an asshole. Maybe, it makes me just as bad as them, but still, I would do it.”
Clarke turned, glancing through the glass doors and into the kitchen where everyone else was chatting and enjoying some food. Truth be told, she understood. “I think it’s safe to say that no one thinks you’re an asshole,” she told her with a small grin.
Lexa paused and looked at her, releasing the smallest of grins. “You called me an asshole,” she reminded her.
“Yeah, well,” Clarke looked back at her again, returning that same small grin. “I’m allowed.”
Lexa’s grin widened slightly. “You are,” she nodded in agreeance, before leaning back against the railing and reaching into her pocket. Retrieving her wallet, she removed something from it and held it out.
Clarke eyed her and it curiously, before reaching forward and retrieving the it. Flipping it over, her eyes widened as they fell on an old picture, of them.
“I never forgot you, Clarke,” Lexa spoke softly. “I said a lot of truly awful things that night – I told you a lot of lies, but I also said some things that were true,” she swallowed hard. “I really meant it, when I said that I want you to have the best life.”
“Hm,” Clarke got to her feet, feeling a slight tug of war happening in her chest. “You just knew that it wasn’t going to be with you,” her statement came out without thought as she held the picture out. Whether it was a question or a statement, she wasn’t quite sure.
“I did,” Lexa nodded, taking the picture and returning it to her wallet. “Over the years, I did hope that you found someone. Someone that could make you happy and make you smile. Someone that would bring you peace,” she stared at the ground. “Admittedly though, I was also a little selfish.”
Clarke felt her eyebrows lift slightly. Selfish? “Meaning?”
“I wanted you to be happy,” Lexa nodded, keeping her eyes on the ground. “Really, I did, but at the same time, whoever or whatever you found to bring you that,” she shook her head. “I always hoped that it would never be able to hold a candle to what we had.”
Clarke took a few steps and placed her hands on the railing next to Lexa, staring out over the dark yard and releasing a heavy sigh and a strong pulse throbbed in her chest. “Nothing ever could,” she finally said.

Silence fell between them. It wasn’t awkward or even unnerving, just quiet and turning, Clarke found Lexa gripping the railing and simply staring into space. What she was thinking, was anyone guess, but she looked different than she had before, almost brighter or lighter somehow, as though the weight that she had been caring for far to long had finally been lifted and in that moment, Clarke made a decision of her own and sent out a silent prayer.

Stepping into Lexa’s line of sight, Clarke reached forward, cupping her cheek and then drawing a quick breath, she leaned closer, bringing their lips together in a kiss that though soft in its own way, probably registered somewhere on the Richter scale. As the sensation of the kiss surged through her body every question in her mind was asked and answered. Everything that she had believed, all those years ago, was true. Regardless of anything that had happened between them or how long it had taken them to get back to one another, Lexa was, without a single doubt, her other half.

Breaking the kiss, Clarke didn’t move away, but instead smoothed her hand to the back of Lexa’s neck and waited.

“What does that mean, Clarke?” Lexa whispered, her eyes suddenly hopeful, though now swimming with tears again.
“I think that being back in each other’s orbit has proved that nothing has really changed between us,” Clarke told her, lightly stroking the back of her neck. “I don’t think that it will ever be what it was. I mean, I’m not sure how it could, but,” she paused, biting her lip. God. Did she dare?
“But what?” Lexa asked, rather shakily.
“But,” Clarke looked up, meeting her eyes as a small smile spread on her face. “I don’t think that it’s very fair for Lincoln and Octavia to hold the only title of end game in this family.”