My room feels bigger than it did before. I close my eyes and the walls spin away from me. The larger it becomes the more alone I feel. When I open my eyes all I can think about is things I cannot remember. Flashes of memories blink before me but I don’t recognize any of them, I don’t even feel like the person in them is actually me. I’m not like that; that’s not me. But I’ve seen the video and all I feel is guilt and shame. I look to my side for a hand to hold but my room is empty and enormous: ghostly and gargantuan. I’ve stopped crying but only because I’ve stopped feeling, I feel like that white noise snow on old T.V. sets… just static.
A wave of happiness washed over me when I started the school year here. I don’t have many friends except for my family and a few church girls, but I don’t really fit in with them. I’m too much of a black sheep for them. I listen to Elliott Smith, the Shins and Modest Mouse and the girls look down on me for it. They call it, ‘depressing devil music’. I’m a black sheep everywhere I go, too much of a ‘bad girl’ for my church friends because of my taste in music, my shorter skirts and the rings I wear on my hands; the truth is I don’t like them either; they are all hypocrites who think that blowjobs don’t count as sex, and getting fingered in their cars still saves them for marriage.
Then here at Blackwell I don’t fit in because I’m too much of a goody goody. I guess that’s why I went to that party. I wanted to be someone else so badly I could explode in to a thousand pieces of possibilities. Even if it was just for a day, I was willing to break a few rules. What’s the point of divine forgiveness if I’m not allowed to make a few mistakes? Now I know that god is punishing me for the bad choices I’ve made, I’m not even good enough to pray anymore. Now I just wish I was the person I used to be.
I was so excited to leave home and come here to make friends but I was the butt of every Christian joke ever made and it broke my heart. Why was loving god such a terrible thing? I never went knocking on doors asking people if they found god, I never stuck my faith in other people’s faces. So why the hate? I fiddle with my gold cross necklace hoping for some answers but I know none will come, gods done talking to me. He’s said all he needs to say with what he let happen to me… Whatever it was.
I trusted Victoria, I have a weak spot for her and I don’t know why.
The first day in Mr. Jefferson’s class I saw her and had to hide my smile and the fact that my skin turned from ivory to fire-engine-red. I don’t know how to explain it… Have you ever gone shopping for like a cardigan at a thrift store? You know how you just keep flipping the hangers to the left passing one piece of cloth after another, until you pause and grin because you just found that something perfect? So you look at this donated, discarded cardigan and think it’s exactly what you have been looking for this whole time, this piece of clothing that a person got rid of and hundreds of people have passed it up. The world is a lot like, you pass hundreds of beautiful people every day and for the most part no one makes you pause and smile, until you find that something perfect. When I saw Victoria I more than paused, I was brought to a full stop. I swear I’m not as shy as people think I am, but in any class that Victoria is in I stay quiet out of fear and only speak up when someone calls out, ‘Kate?’ and I’m forced to respond.
I didn’t even think she knew I existed when she asked me to go to the Vortex Club party. She walked up to me and my vision began to blur; I could feel my heart beating in my chest and hear the blood rushing to my head in my ears. It sounded like it does when you put your ear to a sea shell and you can rear the ocean tide.
She was wearing clothes that my family could afford but would never get for me because it isn’t modest to wear your income on your body. Being braggadocios with what you wear is a sin, they’d get on me for all my rings if they weren’t so cheap.
Victoria is so beautiful but I try and squash these feelings because they are wrong. They don’t feel wrong but it’s what I’ve been told my whole life. My parents would disown me if I dated a guy like Nathen Prescott, the rich bully here at Blackwell that thinks he owns this school with his fake letter jacket, (he doesn’t even play any sport and the only extracurricular things he’s into is drugs.) I can’t even imagine what my parents would do to me if I told them I was gay. It doesn’t matter because I’m not gay, it’s just a strange attraction to Victoria’s power and charisma around this school, maybe it’s because she’s everything I could never be. Can you be attracted to that?
Still though, when she said my name and invited me to that party my insides nearly flew away with all the butterflies flapping their wings like puppy kisses. I was such a mess, I acted like a virgin school girl.
“Hi Kate. I saw the photographs you turned in for the beginning of the school year project.” She says with such a genuine kindness and interest that I thought there was no way it was fake. Meryl Streep isn’t good enough of an actress to fake those emotions and she uses Oscars for paper weights.
I shake nervously and almost can’t control the volume of my voice, my body is betraying me with every syllable, “How did you see them?” I ask stupidly instead of asking what she thought of them. That’s what normal people would do. I get lost in her eyes, I must look like an idiot.
“I stayed after class with Mr. Jefferson and he was showing me the students that he thought had promise, to help me find my own eye and make sure I didn’t end up with a style like anyone else’s.”
I couldn’t tell if that was a compliment or not. I don’t know anything about Victoria really, so I don’t know if this is just how she talks to all her friends or just me.
“Thank you.” I say meekly.
“Photography is my passion, I love the idea that with the right teacher I can learn how to show the world the way I see it. To me that’s the most amazing part, it’s almost like magic. We all see the world in such differing ways that to have the ability to allow others to view it through your lens is… powerful” She seemed almost wistful with a smile as she looked off over my shoulder peering at a white orchid as the orange setting sun shined, highlighting it’s purity.
I stared off at the flower with her for a moment as the cacophony and discord of the world’s static noise is muted. Gently I said with a sense of longing, “I feel the exact same. I literally could not have said it better myself…” I looked over at her, “It is magic.” I whispered so softly that it could be argued that I didn’t say anything at all.
She Snapped the Shot on her insanely expensive Hasselblad medium format camera. The dismal dissonance of reality flooded my ears again as I’m startled by the camera capturing the shot. It felt like bad news you haven’t been told yet but once you hear it, your life will change forever.
“Listen Kate, I only invite the coolest most talented people to the Vortex Club parties and there just so happens to be one this weekend. Do you wanna go?”
I counted to three in my head so I wouldn’t literally jump at the chance. I even plant my feet to make sure I stayed grounded. “Yeah that sounds like fun.” I chirped like stupid naïve little girl. I wish my voice didn’t sound so pouty or so innocently ignorant. I hate my voice.
“Great I’ll text ya the deets.” She handed me her phone and asked for my number. My hands were trembling and for a moment I forgot my own phone number. After a couple of dozen screen taps my name and number were saved in her phone.
“Thanks, catch ya later kiddo.” She bellowed with a smug smile. A smug smile that’s hiding something, but the way she was looking at me, it was the same way I was looking at her.
I don’t have a lot of friends, so I people watch a lot. It’s better than going to the zoo or sometimes even better than taking in a movie or a play, or even reading a book. I’ve studied people so much that I notice those little things on their faces that give away big secrets. I shake my head to try and dislodge the thoughts, there is no way she has a crush on me too.
It wasn’t until that moment, that I realized I had a crush on Victoria and that it wasn’t just a little infatuation or a bout of curiosity. I had feelings for her. Then the sinking dread came over as I realized that if I followed this feelings it will only land me in trouble. I shake it off, there’s no reason to get all invested in this. I don’t even know for sure if she likes me too.
I went back to my room and played the violin. And thought about Victoria and how she’s the kind of beautiful that makes you question what the word even means and how it could fall so short of actually describing anything about her.
In my room that day playing the violin, that was the last time I was myself. That was the girl Nathen Prescott took from me, and I’d give anything to buy back the woman he stole.
Fiddler on the roof and a deep smile swell my heart as I thought about all the different things I could talk to Victoria about when I saw her the next day. I put my four string down and tried to find the right clothes for a party and decided that I can’t go in anything I own. It was just for a night, I was just going to explore a fun time with a group of popular girls. I’d never thought anything like that would happen to me.
I walk over to Max Caulfield’s room and knock. Max was the only person on this campus to talk to me and be my friend. We’re a lot alike Max and I, petite, pale, and model thin. Max was cuter than I was though, with her freckles and short haircut that laid her dark dirty blonde hair to her shoulders always in a state of slight bed-head. Which is odd considering her, ‘I have never known sleep’ dark circles around her deep blue eyes.
She was also like me in the sense that she really didn’t have any friends either. There was Warren Graham but it was obvious that he just had a major crush on her. Other than the intrepid Warren with his love of old films, nerdy Science T-shirts, and Max Caulfields there wasn’t anyone else that was really her friend. For some reason Victoria didn’t like her, and that meant that Max couldn’t hang with most of the girls in this dorm.
A few raps at her door and I’m greeted by a pajama clad Max, wearing very short shorts. All I see is that she has better legs than me.
“Hay Kate. What’s up?” she said with a jovial tone that even I sometimes have to question is genuine or not.
“I’m not sure how to put this, because I don’t want you to feel left out, but I also need your help.” I said to her more timidly than I should have, I’m so weak.
“Don’t worry, I’ve gotten over feeling left out, what’s up?” she spoke with a self-deprecating chuckle.
“I was invited to a Vortex Club party by Victoria and I need something to wear. I was hoping that you could help me pick something out. We can take my S.U.V and go to the mall. I’ll even get you some Orange Julius* for helping me out.” Look at me, I felt I had to bribe the only friend I had here on campus with citrusy confections to help me out.
“Good for you Kate, I’m glad one of us is making friends. Just don’t forget about me when you’re queen K.” Max is so amazing. Her smile was real and so were her words. It felt good to have someone be happy for me for a change. “Let me just change into something that won’t provoke the pervs.” She laughed in a mighty yawp that seemed much too large for her frame. It was almost frightening but certainly alarming.
We shopped for a few hours looking for the perfect outfit. Something that was modest but still fashionable. As it is my skirt shows off more skin than any of the other girls in my school. We sat and ate some Panda Express and I got Max her Orange sugary ice treat. She sits there humming, almost singing to her dessert as she ate it slowly with a smile and a spoon. It’s so adorable that it makes the 4.87 I spent on it seem cheap.
After a few hours Max found the perfect outfit.
“You know this is perfect for your whole sexy librarian motif you have going on.”
Max with her hipster chic style held up a Navy blue peter pan dress with a light grey collar and cuffs, it’s made of light wool, with grey lace at the bottom hem, all tapered in at the waist with a belt and with subtle muted gold buttons from the navel up to the neck. I tried it on and I’ve never looked so good in all my life. I couldn’t help but smile wide in the mirror.
“There she is, there’s that beautiful girl.” Max said to me, I’ll never forget it because for one brief moment I felt it was true. I was beautiful. The pale skin, the petite frame, the small breasts, and my sapphire eyes all added up to someone who was worthwhile and beautiful. I breathe in a sigh of relief and exhale insecurity.
“Thank you max. I really needed this.” I said while fighting back tears.
Max rushed to my side, “Hey it’s okay.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t cry.”
“What’s the point of life if we can’t be moved to tears?” Max said to me with such profound conviction. She’s right. Besides it will be the last time I’d shed happy tears, so it was good that I let them out with Max.
We find some cobalt blue and grey argyle knee-high socks and some Vintage 1940’s two-tone copper and cream pumps. Back in my dorm room I’m looking at it all in the mirror I’m librarian gorgeous. I would have slept in it if I hadn’t afraid of getting it dirty. I’d never felt so happy. I was raised to not put too much stock in my appearance, Vanity is a sin and I love it.
I had Disney world sickness, that’s what my dad used to call it when you can’t sleep the night before something exciting was going to happen. We would go to Disney World every year and every time we’d be all tired the first day because we were all too excited to sleep. It still happened to me last year at the age of 17. It was nice to have that feeling with something that wasn’t related to my family. I love my family, they are always there for me, but it was great to know I was wanted somewhere. At least that’s what I thought.
The double doors to the gym felt heavy. I force myself inside and walked around for a little while aimlessly and felt so out of place.
“There you are!” I heard a voice come out through the fog of music blasting out of the pep rally speakers. I wondered how they got all this approved. “And you look gorgeous too.” Victoria really was taken back by how I look. Her face was this perfect mix of shock, and admiration. This was no longer in my head.
“Hi, I’m sorry I’m overdressed.” I said looking around at all the kids in jeans and simple skirts.
“Oh no, you aren’t. You look great, besides, this isn’t the Vortex Club. No you have to follow me.” I couldn’t get over how she kept looking at me.
She led me to the back room, much smaller than the one all the other people were in. The room was dark and the music was softer in here, I could actually hear people talking at a normal level. Sitting over in the corner was Nathen Prescott looking rock star faded. Dana was laughing uncontrollably and so is Courtney, on the floor, while Zach the footballer is all over Juliet. They were the most popular kids in school and I was hanging with them!
“Would you like a drink?” Nathen Said with a grin. I wish my parents had taught me more about drinking than just to never do it. How does that actually prepare your kid for life at boarding school?
“Um… Sure Nathan, thank you.” I was so small not just in my size but in everything I did. I decided that I wasn’t going to hide anymore. I was there and I was going to make the best of it. He handed me a red solo cup and along with Kate I downed the whole thing. It felt good at the moment to be a part of something.
I don’t know how many I had, all I know is that my entire reality started collapsing in on itself. I had no control over my body. Before that I was actually having fun and Victoria spent the whole time talking to me while Nathan kept pouring me drinks.
The world lost all its colour and I was no longer broadcasting in full Technicolor, everything my eyes touched turned shades of grey. Gravity meant more to me now than it had ever meant before and just the act of standing required all of my stamina. Stomach acids churned and made me sick. I was breathing heavily but hadn’t done anything to merit being winded.
“I-..Don-t… feel—o-k.” I muttered out before I lose all my senses.
That’s where the video picked up, right where my memory left off. I’d never do those things… My new dress, I looked so kind and pretty in it, instead I peeled off the top part and folded in down while I made out with Logan, the big oafish bully that absent mindedly picks on max.
I cried so hard when I saw that video, not just because people would see me acting like that but because that was my first kiss, and it was with a crude moron that I dislike and I don’t even remember it, I had to be shown it. Even though I have a great body I’m embarrassed that I wasn’t in control, that I made those choices and showed it to the world now. Viral Video: so named for the people’s lives it infects, festers, and ruins; there is no cure for a virus and as such there is no way to rid the internet of it once it’s caught.
My room is a mansion, with all these rooms and doors and the curtains drawn. No light, in or out and not a soul in sight. I get under my covers and try to feel cozy, to feel safe and protected in somethings arms, even if it’s just my blankie. The one my grandmother made for me before she died. Thank you god for not letting her be alive to see this. It would have killed her.
It’s not just the video though. If it were I could get over it. I think. It’s all the girls and boys calling me a slut and a whore. I’m a good girl, all I wanted was one night where I could be someone else and now it looks like I got my wish because I am someone else. I’m that whore. I’d cry if I had any fluid left in my body, I’ve cried so much my eyes are dry and irritated.
I can’t believe Victoria said all those things about me, she attacked me and spread this video all around the school and sent out mass emails. How could I have been so wrong? That look in her eye, it was real. It had to be. Or is Victoria just that good at being manipulative?
There’s one more thing though. On the video, Nathen said he was going to take me to the hospital because Victoria said something like, ‘’we’ve had out fun guys and she doesn’t look to well. She only had two beers there’s no way that she’d be this wasted.”
Two beers? That’s all? The thing is that I don’t remember going to the Hospital and… I don’t want to think about it. I know Nathan did something to my drinks, and I know that he did something to me.
I haven’t eaten and I can’t hold down water, I feel absolutely nothing. It’s been four days and I’ve stopped going to class this room is all that I’ve known. I won’t even go to take a shower because the last time I was in there Victoria called me a slut. The posters all around that I put up for abstinence all say will twerk for god. She’s managed to pervert my religion. I’m sick. I broke my mirrors. Seven years bad luck, oh well. I guess it would matter if I was around to use them.
I put food in my bunny’s cage and wrote a little note. All it reads is, “I’m sorry I wanted to fit in. I should have known better.”
For anyone who thinks that this is the easy way out, you have no idea what it feels like to want this. My grandmother died of ovarian cancer, the pain she was in was so severe that she wanted it to be over, she wanted to die. She wanted to kill herself but she couldn’t because she was a good Christian. The doctors made her ‘more comfortable’ with morphine until she slipped away. This is no different, I’m in so much pain that I can’t bare it any longer. This is a nightmare and now it’s time to wake up. I’m sorry god.
I grab the broken glass from the floor, it’s sharp, and I cut my hand on the edge. At least I know I won’t have to press too hard to go deep.
I’m so calm, and I feel lighter than air. I feel awake or that I’m stirring from my sleep.
I put on Elliott Smith’s, ‘needle in the hay’. I want to hear it one more time before I go.
I sit with my back against my bed and take a breath. It won’t be long now all I have to do is be strong. I close my eyes and just as the glass draws blood. “Knock, Knock.” Who would knock on my door? No one has cared about me for days. Even Max seems to have forgotten about me. I’m bleeding from an inch long cut in the middle of my forearm but I didn’t go deep enough to hit the vein.
I better answer the door and get rid of this person, if I follow through and they bust in for some reason it could ruin everything. I cover my arm with a towel and answer the door.
“Victoria?!” Shock and anger pepper my voice. “What do you want?”
There are tears in her eyes, she’s been crying all night. I want to hold her and tell her that everything will be alright and I hate her for making me feel that way toward her when just moments ago she was one of the reasons I felt this extreme.
“I am so sorry Kate.” She bursts past me and closes the door behind her. She looks at my arm and sees the blood soaked through the towel. “Oh no, what did you do?” she cries as her voice cracks and wavers.
“What are you doing here Victoria?” I’m mad as hell. I want to tear her apart the same way she broke my will.
“Are you okay? Why are you bleeding?” The concern in her voice is lace with fear and guilt, and it catches me off guard. I begin to whimper, as it hits me how close I was. What I was actually going to do. I can feel again and I feel everything all at once. I’ve never been more ashamed in my life and that is coming from the girl who has a compromising video of her on the internet.
“I was going to kill myself. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare.” Tears soak my cheeks and flood my eyes.
She wraps her poison arms around me and we both fall into each other; a wet mess of tangled limbs heaving on the ground fighting to get words out between sobs. Victoria puts her hand on the back of my neck and with salty lips to lips, she kisses me. She kisses me how I should have had my first kiss. It was the kind of kiss that could make a gay man miss a woman’s lips. The kind of kiss that changes everything. TNT for the brain. My mind recoils in confusion. There are too many variables and I’m lost.
“Why are you here?” I ask having completely stopped crying and looking at her like I can’t decide if I want to kiss her or kill her.
“I love you. I have since the moment I met you, Etta James played in my head singing ‘at last, my love has come along, and now my lonely days are over.’” She sings out to me. All I can think is ‘Victoria’s lonely?’ “I listen to everything you say and I really did invite you to the Vortex Club because I wanted to get to know you more, but I was made fun of for it. Nathen thought it would be fun to get the Christ-y girl drunk and watch her make a fool of herself. I had no idea. I swear. If he hurt you I’m going to kill him. I’m so sorry that I put you through that hell. Nathen posted the video using my Email and sent it all over.”
I’ve never been so utterly lost and confused before in my life. I had a crush on Victoria and now she loves me? She has all along? That can’t be… I look her in the eyes and see the same look she’s given me all along. She does love me, or at the very least she thinks she does.
“Then why did you say those things to me in the bathroom?”
“Because I’m a shitty terrible person who tears others down because I hate myself. I thought after what happened I could never tell you how I feel. I wasn’t sure if I ever could. People will talk, and our parents will find out and I’d sure you don’t have the most understanding parents in the world when it comes to this subject. I know I don’t. Kate I’m so sorry. I won’t stop till I find out what happened to you, I promise. Can you forgive me?”
I smile. Something so simple, just a slight movement of the lip. Ever so subtle. And it means the world to Victoria. “Yes. And I have feelings for you too.” I go in for a kiss, this time it will be my choice. Her lips taste like raspberries and her breath is fresh. I instantly feel bad because I haven’t brushed my teeth in four days, but she keeps kissing me. I worry about my huge red pointy nose, the one thing I’ve always been self-conscious about, poking her face. Then almost as if she could hear my thoughts she pulls back and kisses me with such care right on the tip of my nose.
She peers at me with a smile and tears in her eyes.
“I almost lost you before I ever got to have you. Kate… I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve your affection, I don’t deserve anyone affection.”
She really does hate herself. I never would have thought that someone like her could feel so empty and alone. She’s the most popular girl in school.
“I’m the only one who decides who deserves my affection and who doesn’t.” I say as I lean in and kiss her and pull her up into my bed.
She’s shaking in fear and anticipation. “I haven’t slept in days. You are going to lay here with me and keep the demons at bay. Do you understand?” I ask.
She nods as she folds herself into me.
“We’ll worry about everything else when we wake up, for now this moment is perfect because it’s a moment I almost didn’t have. That’s all you can ever expect from perfection… a moment.”