Afterwards

“Have you seen my sweatpants? I’m sure I left them here last time,” Audrey called over her shoulder, riffling through one of the drawers of Noah’s dresser.
Noah glanced over, reclining back on the bed so he could actually see her without rolling over. “It’s not over there? All of your clothes should be in that drawer.”
“I’m not blind. It’s not here.”
“Oh, try the laundry basket in the corner,” Noah said quickly, pointing in the general direction of the closet. “I think my mom did your laundry again.”
“I really need to thank her for that. Half of my clothes wouldn’t get washed if it weren’t for her.”
“That’s because you always leave them here.”
“Hey, I’m a generally clean human being who likes not wearing the same clothes as the day before. Be glad.”
“I’ve very glad. However, someday I’d like to be able to wear that shirt myself,” he laughed, eyeing the shirt Audrey was hauling around as she dug through the laundry.
“Found them!” Audrey said, triumphantly holding up a gray pair of sweatpants. “And you’re never getting it back. It’s mine now.” Noah glared at her, and she shrugged. “It’s comfy, and I can’t exactly sleep in the shirts I wear.”
Noah sighed, but he was smiling. “Fair enough.”
“Alright, now that I’ve got proper sleeping attire, I’m going to go shower.”
“Your shampoo and stuff is in the usual place. I think…my mom has started using your conditioner though.”
Audrey laughed. “Sure it’s your mom. It’s not like I can smell it whenever you use it or anything.”
Noah groaned and rolled over, burying his face into a pillow. “Fine, you caught me. It makes my hair all silky though!”
“I don’t mind, but you’re buying the next bottle. That shit is expensive.”
“That’s fair, I suppose,” Noah sighed dramatically.
Audrey snickered, grinning widely. “You’re such a drama queen tonight!”
“So were you back there.”
Audrey’s face fell. She lazily threw the clothes she was holding onto a chair and nudged Noah. “Scoot.” Noah rolled towards the wall, and Audrey flopped down next to him. “Emma…It’s starting to feel like I can’t be around her. That’s all.”
Noah rolled over a bit and threw Audrey a disbelieving look. “That’s not all. You know it’s not.”
Silence.
Noah fell back, and let his eyes settle on the ceiling. For a moment he wished people were as easy to follow as the lines in the paint that he’d memorized years ago.
His hand felt out hers. “No more secrets, remember?”
More silence.
Her hand tightened around his though.
“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Silence. “I guess. You just don’t talk to me anymore.”
“I talk to you more than anyone. What do you think the hill is for?”
“The hill is for not talking.”
Silence.
Finally, “I don’t want to be Emma.”
Noah’s eyes widened, and he fought the urge to turn and look at her. “What do you mean?”
“Emma drives me crazy, simply by talking. She’s sad, and broken, and I can’t breathe because I’m expected to make her feel better. I need to make her feel whole, because she’s more broken than I am. And she is. Emma…has it way worse than I do. She’s damn strong, no one’s saying she’s not. It’s completely normal for her to not be okay. But I’m not exactly okay. None of us are. So I can’t always handle her breakdowns because what do I do if I’m on the verge of hauling off and punching someone in their goddamn mouth for asking me if I’m okay and then I suddenly have to pretend I’m okay because Emma needs me to hold her up.” She paused and took a breath. “I don’t want to do that to you. I’m not okay, but neither are you, for god sakes you lost as much as all of us in this, and I’m not about to drag you down with me. Talking about it makes it worse, so let’s just skip it all and enjoy life for once! We deserve that! Maybe if we’re happy enough we won’t even need to talk about everything that happened.”
Noah’s hand hurt from Audrey’s vice-like grip. “That’s not how life works. And you’re not going to drag me down. I’m asking you to talk to me.”
Audrey sighed. “Maybe I don’t want to talk.”
“That’s…fine.”
A sigh. “I’m…just tired. I want to enjoy myself.”
“I get that.”
“And…maybe it’s not just Emma. Maybe it’s me. But…I can’t put myself around Emma. She and I are…walking a line. A goddamn stupid line! I can’t fucking understand it! It’s probably…it’s probably because I told her about how I used to be in love with her.”
Noah laughed just a little. “While I was buried underneath you.”
Audrey cracked a smile. “I’ve apologized for that like 20 times.”
“Hey, I need some leverage in this relationship!”
“You really don’t. I listen to you plenty without the guilt trip.”
“You’re trying to change the topic.”
“So?”
“I’m not going to let you. No more secrets, no more lies, remember? We actually trust each other like we used to.”
“It’s your fault we went off on a tangent anyway,” Audrey grumbled. “But, Emma acts like…like she’s trying to be my girlfriend, like she’s trying to make up for the fact that she…by playing a part. It’s not fair to me. I got past it. She can’t throw it in my face like this just because it makes her feel better.”
“I doubt that’s what she’s trying to do.”
“I know, I know,” Audrey growled, obviously frustrated. “It’s what it feels like in my fucked up brain though.”
“You could talk to her about it.”
“God no. No way. Not going to happen.”
Noah paused, trying to decide if he could get away with asking his next question. She’d probably kill him. Wouldn’t be the worst death though.
“Are you still in love with Emma?”
“What?!” Audrey flipped over violently, almost landing on Noah. “No! Haven’t I just spent the past five minutes ranting to you about how I can barely be around her anymore?!”
“That doesn’t mean you aren’t in love with her.”
“I’m not. Let’s be honest here. Emma and I are toxic the way we are now. And it’s so easy for us to fall into this same situation, or another one that’s just as toxic. Look at the past two years! We’ve been awful to each other.” Audrey sighed. “The thought of actually being in a relationship with Emma is actually terrifying. I couldn’t handle it. I wouldn’t want to. It’s not something I want anymore. Not with who were are now.”
“If you guys got better?”
Audrey raised her eyebrows. “You really think that could happen?”
“We’re managing.”
“We’re different. You’re different. And I didn’t spend a year hating your guts and ruining your life. We argued for less than a week.”
“During which I accused you of murder and you kidnapped me.” He thought about adding ‘rejected me’, but decided against it.
“It’s still different. You know it is.”
“Yeah, it is.”
Another silence. Audrey fell back onto the bed.
“I’m not into her anymore.”
“I believe you.”
“Good.”
“…What about Brooke?”
Audrey laughed, smiling broadly. “Oh my god Foster, you really are an idiot!” She pulled herself up off the bed. “How many times have I told you that tonight? Like five?”
“Probably. I tend to do idiotic things. I lack some sort of filter apparently.”
“Foot-in-mouth syndrome.” She grinned. “At least I know you’re being honest. It helps that you’re also a horrible liar.” She paused for a moment as she grabbed her clothes off the chair. “It’s also kinda adorable, so that helps your case.”
Noah grinned. “Yes, being awkwardly honest and doing idiotic things is how I win over all of the ladies in my life.”
Audrey shrugged. “It’s worked for you so far. Now I actually need to take a shower.”
She stopped at the door for a second. “Brooke is seriously hot though.”
Noah nodded. “I know right?”
“If she were into it I’d totally make out with her.”
Noah sat up. “Seriously? I would pay to see that.”
“Foot-in-mouth syndrome Noah.”
“What? What normal high school guy would not want to see that? I bet Stavo would let you guys make out as long as he got to watch.”
“No. Nope. Jesus Christ Noah, you get laid once and you go all testosterone on me.”
“I’m just saying.”
“It’s a good thing we’re in your room. If I killed you right now I would definitely not get away with it.”
“Nope. You can’t touch me.”
Audrey grabbed a pillow from the end of his bed and bashed him over the head with it.
“Hey!”
“I didn’t touch you. I can still cause you pain though. Also, you’re such a wimp. I barely hit you.”
“Fuck you.”
“Getting sassy are we?
“...Go take your shower.”
“Fine fine.”