The phone rang. Bernie put her coffee down on the bench beside her, hands numb with cold despite being wrapped around the steaming cup. She didn’t mind, she liked sitting outside and letting the cold numb her through, inside and out. It made everything easier.
Fingers fumbled through pockets, pulling out the phone. Unknown number. She took a gamble and answered.
“Hello?”
“Doctor Bernie?”
Jason?!! “Jason, is that you?”
“Hello Doctor Bernie, yes, it’s me. I need to talk to you.”
“OK, how can I help?”
“It’s about Auntie Serena”.
Oh, god. How am I going to get through this conversation? “Yes?”
“Auntie Serena’s old boyfriend Robbie came to stay with her last night, in her room.”
Is this what it feels like for your heart to fail? This heavy, leaden weight? This feeling like you can’t breathe? This feeling like death itself would be a relief? “Oh. I see”.
“She said she was going to kiss him, but she couldn’t go through with it.”
Kiss him? Clearly a euphemism. But she couldn’t go through with it? Does that mean…? “Really? Oh. Right.”
“She’s very sad now. She’s been crying when she thinks I’m not looking. I don’t like it when she is sad. And she has been grumpy for a long time now. I want her to be happy again.”
Oh, Serena. “And you think that Robbie made her feel sad?”
“At first I thought it was because Robbie got ill, and had to go into hospital.”
Maybe that was it. Yes, probably. But…what if it wasn’t? “But now you think there is another reason your Auntie Serena is sad?”
“Yes, it’s because Auntie Serena doesn’t want to kiss boys any more. She wants to kiss girls now. And you kiss girls too, Doctor Bernie. So I thought if you came back, you could kiss Auntie Serena, and she might be happy again.”
Jason knows? How much does he know? How on earth do I respond to that? But oh, to kiss Serena again! “Oh. Well, um…”
“So will you come back, Doctor Bernie? Please? Auntie Serena misses you”.
Is it time for me to go back? Am I ready to face her? To see if she still wants me? To offer her the kind of life she deserves? I miss her so much. Perhaps I could…we could… “I’ll see, Jason. I’ll see what I can do.”
* * * * * * * *
A few days later, Serena sits in her car in the parking lot outside the hospital, once more wiping tears from her face. Robbie’s health scare has been resolved, but the mere act of trying to be intimate with him again, despite finding him superficially attractive, has done nothing but reinforce the fact that it’s Bernie she wants. That her fears of a midlife crisis experimentation phase were unfounded. She had actually begun to hope that they weren’t, that she could indeed begin to put her feelings for Bernie behind her and move on with her life by getting back into the world of men. The realisation that she can’t just go back had only served to reopen the barely scabbed wounds, and sharpen the pain again to an unbearable pitch. Looking into the mirror, she angrily swiped at her face again, willing herself to pull it together.
Suddenly, she started, as her car door was opened, and strong arms pulled her close into an embrace.
“I’m sorry, Serena. So, so sorry” Bernie whispered into her neck as she clung to her, stroking her hair, uncaring of the discomfort of the cold tarmac and damp leaves pressing into her knees as she knelt, leaning into the car to hold Serena as close as she could. Serena allowed the embrace, leaning into Bernie in turn, taking a moment of comfort and hope before she pushed her away.
There was still a lot to discuss before another moment like this could happen again.