Girl Meets Faking It

Maya knew she had no real right to be angry at Riley. But she was. Because she saw the way that Riley laughed too hard at his jokes that weren't funny and acted interested in his stories that were just plain boring and it made her sick. Because Riley was changing herself for some heehaw dumbass Huckleberry. She always thought that Riley would have been better than that, that Riley would be herself, and not change for anyone or anything. But she was wrong, and she saw the evidence of that when she saw Riley dumb herself down.

When the two met after lunch, Maya couldn't muster up a smile like she usually had on her face. Riley poked her stomach, and Maya flinched at what was normal contact for them. But it didn't feel normal that day to Maya. Nothing felt normal to Maya.

“What's wrong, Peaches?” Riley pouted.

“Nothing, I'm fine,” she lied through her teeth and smiled. “Just tired.”

She couldn't exactly talk to Riley about Lucas in the middle of the day at school. After all, the entire school (sans Maya and Riley) thought that they were gay and dating. (And they weren't, they weren't, they weren't.)

Riley didn't believe Maya but she also knew better than to push her before she was ready to talk. But if she didn't bring it up by the end of school, Riley was going to pry it out of her and fix it the best she could. Because she needed to fix everything. And she needed to please everyone. And she needed to be the perfect friend, the perfect fake girlfriend, the perfect everything.

“Okay,” she nods and squeezes Maya’s hand, in hopes that Maya realizes that there's no one on earth that Riley loves more.

It's the end of the school day and Maya still hadn't told Riley what's going on with her. And Riley knows something's off because Maya’s eyes didn't light up when they were in art class. They just glossed over the easel and she shrugged when Mr. Jackson asked where her usual passion is. ‘Not feeling very inspired today, sir. Maybe tomorrow will be better.’ They were getting their books out of their lockers and into their bags when Riley finally cracked.

“What's going on with you?” She wanted to get to the bottom of this. “You're acting all...weird.”

Since it was the end of the school day, and they were staying late so Mr. Matthews could drive them home, Maya figured she could talk to Riley about Lucas.

“I’m acting weird?!” she snapped. And she knew she shouldn't take it out on Riley. But who was she supposed to take it out on? “You're acting weird!”

“What are you talking about?”

“I am so sick of the way you’ve been acting lately! You're changing yourself! And for what…so some boy you hardly know will fall in love with you. You barely know Lucas. Name one fact about him other than that he wants to be a fucking veterinarian and that he’s the hottest guy in school.”

“I know that he's best friends with Zay, he calls his grandma on her birthday, he has a good heart, and that he has integrity,” Riley countered.

“Fantastic, maybe he can lend you some,” Maya slammed her locker.

“So what if I like the hottest guy in school?! I'm a teenage girl!”

“Tell your father I'm walking home.”

Maya picked up her bags and walked away from Riley and turned the corner in the halls. Her mind was racing, her heart was beating, she felt angrier than she had felt in a long time. She felt angrier than she had felt when her mother didn’t get her anything on her twelfth birthday. She felt angrier than she had felt when Mr. Matthews had given her an F on her paper. She felt angrier than she had felt when she saw Lucas and Riley hugging. This was an entirely knew anger she felt and she hated that it was felt against Riley.

“Do you want me to give you some Paco’s Tacos tomorrow as well?” Maya was startled when she saw Charlie Gardner, the boy who seemed like he was made to be her secret boyfriend, in the halls. It must have been fate that he was staying late as well. And instead of answering him like a normal person, she grabbed his head and kissed him. Hard. Her hands were in his hair and once again she wasn’t sure what she felt. She knew she was only doing this because she was angry and it felt kind of good to get revenge on Riley. (Was it really revenge on Riley if Riley didn’t care?) But Maya wasn’t thinking straight and she couldn’t figure out which way she meant that phrase anymore. Charlie was caught off guard but he kissed her back, dropping his bag in surprise. But Maya pulled away after about ten seconds of kissing him and realized that she shouldn’t be kissing him if it felt like this. If it felt like cheating on Riley. (Even though it wasn’t. And it hurt like hell that it wasn’t.) Regret filled her eyes and hurt filled Charlie’s when he saw hers.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

Maya walked home, knowing she would probably never be able to eat another taco from Paco’s Tacos without tasting Charlie’s lips and that made her sick to her stomach. Because she realized that she felt nothing.

That afternoon when she got home, Maya cried. Again. She seemed to be making a habit of crying. She didn't think she'd cried this much since her dad left and Riley didn't leave her side for three days. She wiped her eyes and decided to call Zay. She got his number after she had asked him to be her ‘date’ to homecoming and she felt like he was the perfect person to talk about an issue like this. She was pretty sure that he would understand her feelings. So she called him up and went over to his house where this entire disaster started. She knocked on his door and he greeted her with a friendly hug that she really needed.

“You sounded like you really needed to talk, let's go up to my room,” Zay said, guiding her to his bedroom.

They both sat down on his bed and Zay was the first one to break the silence.

“I think there's something going on between Riley and Lucas. I saw them. They looking into each other’s eyes, not saying nothing. I wonder what they were thinking. But being the expert at body language that I am, I know what it is - they wanna kiss.”

“What? No! Riley would never...you're right,” Maya said, defeated.

“Wait, so you knew that she was also into guys?”

“I had a clue,” Maya said in a quiet voice.

“Ah, bisexuals are a tricky beast, bring it it, honey,” Zay scooched over to Maya to wrap her arms around her shoulders, and Maya rested her head there, trying to make sense of all of this.

“I wish she was bisexual.”

“Trust me, I saw Riley and Lucas. They were gazing into each other’s stupid, stupid, eyes. Felt like I should break into the chemistry lab and use the eye wash.”

Maya sighed, and Zay gave her a sympathetic look, but it was for all the wrong reasons. She wasn’t sad because Riley was bi. She was sad because Riley wasn’t. And she wasn’t entirely sad because she was secretly dating Lucas Friar (or whatever they were doing with each other), she was also sad because she wasn’t really dating Riley. And she wanted to be. So badly. And she needed to get this off her chest. Here goes nothing.

“If I tell you something super secret, do you promise you won’t tell anyone?” Maya asked, in a serious tone that Zay had never heard her use before.

“Gay scouts honor,” he replied, holding up two fingers to show his lips would be sealed.

“Riley and I...are faking it.”

“What? Like orgasms? Because I know a guy, actually I know multiple that can get you the best dildos in all of New York City.”

Maya grimaced, (they were fifteen, neither one of them were faking orgasms, or having them), and she didn’t want to think about how Zay knew multiple people that he could get sex toys from.

“No, we’re faking being lesbians,” Maya admitted.

Zay gave her a look that read what the fuck and Maya completely understood why.

“Well, Riley is,” she explained. “I’m not so sure.”

“You have my attention.”

So for the rest of the night (Maya’s mom allowed her to sleep over) Maya explained everything. She explained how they never really dated before the party. And how they weren’t really dating now. But how Maya wished they were. And how everything seemed to be falling apart. How she got in a fight with Lucas. How she tried to kiss Charlie, someone who she thought she liked, but felt nothing. How she thought that she could be in love with Riley. She cried on his shoulder while he rubbed her back, telling her that it’s a gay girl’s (Maya wasn’t sure if that’s what she was but she didn’t say anything) rite of passage to fall in love with a straight girl, and it was often their best friend. He told her that he would keep her secret. He whispered over and over again that everything would be okay and Maya wished she could have believed it.

The next day for Riley was hell. At 10:15 and it was her ‘once a month’ card with her third period teacher, and she went to find the halls empty. So this time she actually went to the bathroom. She sat in the stalls, put her head in her hands and cried. She didn’t know how all of this happened. Before all of this, the world was just her and Maya, and now Maya hadn’t spoken to her since their fight. That meant she had gone a whole twenty hours without talking her best friend and it broke her heart that Maya didn’t reach out and didn’t reply to any of her texts. Riley tried to make excuses for Maya, that she was busy, that she was hanging out with her mom, that something came up. But the other day was a Tuesday and on Tuesdays, Maya never had anything going on, and she wouldn’t hang out with her mom because her mom worked until 11:00 PM at the bakery, and she knew something didn’t come up. She knew Maya was avoiding her. And that just made it sting even more. She wanted Maya to come running into her arms like she did every day at 10:15 but it was clear to her that wasn’t happening so she wandered the halls a bit. And she saw Lucas Friar flirting with yet another girl. The butterflies that were usually in her stomach vanished and she had a fire burning in it instead. She dialed Maya’s number to leave a voicemail, praying to God that she would check it.

“It’s been twenty hours, Peaches. That’s the longest we’ve ever gone without speaking to each other,” she said into the phone, her voice hoarse from crying her eyes out in the bathroom stalls. “I can’t stand not talking to you. I’m in physical pain. This is the worst. Please call me back. I miss you.”

She took another look at Lucas Friar who was now rubbing some blonde’s arm and giving her his Texan charm.

“And you were right about Lucas Friar, I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry. I miss you,” she repeated. “Okay, I gotta go back to class. I missed you in the halls today, Peaches. I love you.”

Maya saw that she got a voicemail from Riley but she knew she wasn’t ready to talk to her. Not yet. Not when she had been crying the entire night to Zay about how they were faking it but it felt so real to her. She shook her head, trying to rid her brain of the thought of Riley. (That was impossible but she tried.) She then saw none other than Charlie Gardner strolling up to her with a smile. Did he think that the kiss was good? Did he feel something that I didn’t feel? Did I lead him on?

“Hey, Maya,” he greeted, from a far away distance, but as he got closer he noticed how stressed she looked. “Trouble in paradise?”

“Things are...complicated.” It wasn’t a lie, she justified.

“Well, perhaps this crane will lift your spirit with its wings,” Charlie said, with an adorable smile, getting out a paper crane to give to Maya. “Dorky fact, my mom and I are learning the Japanese art of origami.”

“Thanks, Charlie,” Maya said, quickly, grabbing the crane, and leaving as fast as she possibly could.

“I’m adorable, how is she not seeing this?”

Maya raced around the courtyard after lunch, desperate to find Zay. She needed advice and he was the only one who knew her...situation...and she felt like he could relate to the entire ‘I’m in love with a straight person who’s in love with another straight person’ fiasco. When Maya finally found Zay, by the benches. She ran to him.

“What are you doing right now?!” she demanded.

“Goin’ to school...like a normal person,” he said, giving her a dubious look. “Did you snort some coke or something this morning?”

“I need you to help me find a girlfriend,” Maya told him.

“You already have a girlfriend.” He pulled her away from all the student and started to speak in a quiet voice. “If people at this school find out that you’re faking it, they will lynch you and not even notice the irony.”

“But I’m not faking it!” she protested. “And that’s the problem! If I’m having these feelings for Riley, then I must be a lesbian!”

“Whoa whoa whoa whoa,” Zay said. “It’s too early to bust out the labels, honey.”

“You’re the one who outed me to the whole entire freaking school!” Maya reminded him. (She didn’t think she was ever going to let him forget that one.) “Remember?”

“Yes, but now I realize you are more complicated, and interesting,” Zay replied, with a smile.

“Yesterday I kissed Charlie Gardner and I didn’t feel anything! Why didn’t I feel anything?! He gave me this cool paper crane!” She took out the crane, flapping its wings to show Zay.

“Wow, shocking you didn’t ask him to marry you right then and there,” Zay deadpanned.

Maya rolled her eyes, usually she could appreciate sarcasm (she was usually the one dishing it out) but now was not the time for sarcasm.

“Look if I find a real girlfriend then my fake girlfriend can go back to being my best friend.”

“That’s what this is about?” he asked, with a sigh.

“These feelings are killing me,” Maya admitted, defeated. “Yesterday I blew up at Riley because I was jealous of Lucas. Who does that?! Trashy women on reality TV - that’s who! Please help me.”

“Okay, okay, okay,” Zay complied. “Partly because I want to help you and partly because I am dying to see how this plays out.”

Riley’s lunch was very different. Because it was on of her first lunches (of her entire life) without Maya by her side. The only time she had been without Maya at lunch was when they were 8 and Maya had the measles. Ever since then, they vowed to never get sick, and if they got sick, they went to school anyway. Because that one day without the other was unbearable for both of the girls. And Riley thought that they both felt the same way, that they both never wanted to have the other have a lonely lunch, but now that she was alone in the cafeteria, she didn’t know what to think.

And then she saw Lucas smiling and talking to the same girl again. She had given him the cold shoulder all day, ignoring his texts, ignoring his looks, ignoring him in general. Part of that was because she wanted to appease Maya and the other part was because she was jealous of the other girl he kept on smiling at.

Riley poked at her food, but she had lost her appetite and become slightly nauseous because she missed Maya so much. She couldn’t stop thinking about how much she wished Maya would come sit next to her. But instead, Lucas Friar did.

“What do you want?” Riley snapped, turning her head to look at him.

“Um...is this a bad time? Sorry, I just wanted to know...um, why you’ve been ignoring me.”

“I haven’t been ignoring you,” she lied, with a dismissive hand motion. “I’ve been busy, my life doesn’t revolve around us, whatever we are.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? What’s any of this supposed to mean? I’m so confused.”

“You’re confused? Lucas, you act like you like me - ”

“I do!”

“You didn’t let me finish. But then you go and flirt with other girls and what am I supposed to think?”

“Who am I flirting with?” Lucas asked, and he looked genuinely confused, which just confused Riley even more. How could he not know that he was flirting?

“That girl...I can’t remember her name but she was wearing a jean jacket and had dirty blonde hair,” Riley tried to find her in the mass array of students but it was no use.

“Riley, I wasn’t flirting with her,” Lucas said, with a slight laugh.

“Yes, yes you were! You were smiling at her, and touching her arm, and you looked like you really liked her and cared about her and - ”

“She's my cousin! I'm staying with her and her family for a while.”

“Oh,” Riley now felt really stupid and guilty for accusing him of something he didn't do.

“Why do you care anyway? I thought you were with Maya.”

“I'm not, I don't, I mean I am. I have to go.”

Maya and Zay cut school for the rest of the day to go to a local coffee shop, Beanz, that was known for being a lesbian hot spot. Maya looked around the cafe, trying to scope out the room.

“I've never seen this many lesbians,” Maya mumbled to Zay.

“Well, what flavor do you like? We got butch, lipsticks, sporties, Kristen Stewart groupies…”

“Um, I don't know, I like her shirt?” Maya tried.

“Come on, who here makes your no-no place say yes-yes?” Zay asked, with an elbow nudge.

“That's the problem. I didn't have these feelings for Riley until I kissed her,” Maya said, then took a deep breath adding, “Guess I should start kissing some lesbians.”

“Or you know you could start by talking…” before Zay even got the beginning of the sentence out, Maya was gone. “Shoot me a look if you need me!” he yelled.

Maya was on a mission to find a girl that gave her butterflies in her stomach. She knew that none of them would give her butterflies the way Riley did, because it was Riley but she wanted to feel something like that for someone other than Riley, who could never love her like that. She looked through the crowd and found a really pretty girl. She was probably at least three years older than Maya, but she didn’t care. She had long brown hair that cascaded down her floral shirt and flare jeans. Maya built up her courage and went over to the girl, grabbed her by the floral shirt and went into kiss her, but was met with a gentle shove. Maya sighed, turned around and found another girl - this time she had olive skin, still brown hair and brown eyes though. (Maybe she had a type?) Grabbed her by the shirt as well (why was that her go to move all of the sudden?), but to no avail. This happened a couple of time before she gave up. She then bumped into someone who looked like a mix between Kristen Stewart and Zendaya. And she was definitely checking Maya out. (Maya might not have had gaydar, but this girl was not being shy about looking her up and down.)

“Hey, um, do you wanna get out of here?”

“Yeah,” the other girl said, with a smile, that Maya could only describe as enchanting.

“You do?”

“Hell yeah, let’s go to my car.”

The reality of what Maya was about to do hit her and she realized that she probably shouldn’t do this. The girl was probably six years older than her, and it just didn’t feel right. She didn’t feel butterflies. She didn’t feel anything remotely close to what Riley made her feel. Sure, the girl was gorgeous, but it didn’t do anything for Maya.
“I uh...I have a girlfriend,” Maya muttered, before running off to find Zay.

When she found him, he was shaking his head, and he pulled her in for a side hug.

“Maya, Maya, Maya…”

“What did I do wrong?”

“What did you do right?” he quipped. “You were grabbing people’s shirts, making weird comments, trying to kiss everyone - and that works for gay guys. But lesbians, they don’t just want to hook up. You know, they want to bond, and they want to nest, and they want to fall in love and let themselves go.”

“That sounds amazing. I wish I could do that with - ”

“Nope! Don’t say her name, Hart. We are trying to get you to forget your feelings for her.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Maya and Zay were back in Zay’s room, looking through the Abigail Adams yearbook, trying to find out which girl Maya might like that wasn’t Riley. But none of them stood out to her. There were pretty girls and Maya could obviously see that they were pretty, but none of them were Riley.

“Okay, so which one do you like the most?” Zay asked, pointing to the page.

“I...I don’t want to meet another girl.”

“A boy?” he gasped. “What an interesting twist.”

“I don’t want to meet another boy.”

“That limits your options,” he replied.

“It won’t make these feelings for Riley go away,” Maya said, with a small pout.

“Well at least we know what you are now.”

“Which is what?” Maya asked, not knowing the answer herself.

“You’re Riley-sexual,” Zay said, with a sheepish smile. (He thought he was clever.)

Maya didn’t think he was that clever, and she showed how unclever she thought he was by giving out an exasperated sigh and letting her head hit the pillow.

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”

That sounded like the dumbest idea on the planet to Maya. No. That sounded like the dumbest idea in the universe. Why not just tell Riley how she felt? For starters, she was almost 99% sure that Riley was 100% straight.

“I...Riley has been my best friend since I was six years old,” Maya started, her voice cracking. “If I tell her that I have feelings for her, thing will get weird and we’ll drift apart until one day we'll meet in line at the grocery store and say polite hellos and... pretend like we didn't once know everything there was to know about each other.”

“Oooor, you tell her and she feels the same way and then you two live happily ever after!”

“Please,” Maya scoffed. There was no way that Riley felt the same way. She saw the way Riley looked at her and she saw the way Riley looked at Lucas, it wasn’t the same. So why was it that every time Riley looked at her, Maya swore she was falling deeper?

“I’ve seen you two together, she’s always kissing you or holding your hand,” Zay said.

Maya rolled her eyes, she was only kissing her and holding her hand to keep up the act. So that she could make Lucas’s dumb wet dream of being with a lesbian come true.

“It’s pretty clear that she loves you.”

That Maya knew. But she also knew that Riley didn’t love her the same way.

“As a friend,” she pointed out.

“As a friend?” Zay asked, raising his eyebrows. He grabbed Maya’s phone. “She’s been texting you all day, I’ve never seen someone use these many emojis. She’s clearly got her own version of your crazy going on.”

“It’s not the same,” Maya protested.

“How do you know? Maybe, just maybe, she feels the same way about you,” Zay suggested. Yeah, right. “But is also too scared to say anything.”

“What about her and Lucas?”

“Classic overcompensation!” Zay said, with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I pined over Darby for months until I came to terms with sexuality in fourth grade.”

Maya’s phone vibrated again, with yet another text from Riley. Maya took a deep breath trying to remember that she shouldn’t get her hopes up and that hope was for suckers. But damn, if she didn’t miss Riley.

Pressing Riley’s number in her phone, she held it to her ear and said, “Riles? Yeah, hey.”