Chapter 3
Once again Raven was alone, this time in a small house that got assigned to her for the duration of her stay. Anya had said she was welcome to take her meals with her, and that she would answer as many of her questions as she could, but Raven wasn't hungry. In fact, she wasn't sure she could stomach anything right now.
She might have looked brave in front of the others, and told Finn off, but now that she was left with herself, it all caught up with her, and she could hardly contain her sobs. No, she was stronger than that, she wouldn't let this affect her!
But the truth was, how could it not affect her, when she'd shared everything with him, when he'd been her family, when he'd been with her all through their childhood, when she was dealing with her mother, when she dealt with being unable to become a mechanic - he'd always been here for her, he was the first and only person she'd ever been with intimately, too. And to find out that meant nothing to him, that all this trust, their relationship, their friendship - all that could been wiped away by a week spent away from her, just because there's a nice bangable girl right there in front of him, and anyway poor Raven will probably die up there so she'll never know, right? That she meant so little to him, when he meant so much to her, she just couldn't stomach. Had he even thought about her since he landed? The thought of him thinking about her while he was with another made her sick. And if he'd only forgotten Raven because he was too busy trying to survive, but no! No, the first thing he did when he came to earth, of all the things one could do here, was to cheat on her!
Was she worth so little? Was she so unlovable? Part of her knew it was just him who was a dick, but she couldn't help think that, if she'd done things differently, if she'd been more friendly. If she hadn't been the reason he was sent in prison, as he so rightly pointed out... And yet she did her best to visit him as often as she could, to be there for him. Hell, she even went on this possibly deadly trip to the ground, just to find him, to help him - even though he might just be dead - because she needed to know what had happened to him. But he did not think she was even worth a week of abstinence before moving on?!
And how dare he act like it was her fault, how dare he pretend it was her doing if he couldn't keep it in his pants! Not that she'd even ever really enjoyed it with him, but she'd always did do it, because it wasn't bad, and he did like it, and want it, and it was more about bonding to her than anything, but apparently that bond she thought they had together, that trust - it was nothing to him. Could she even trust him as a friend now? When really, he betrayed her trust in all possible ways.
He had no respect for her... It was hard to realise so many years into a relationship. She suddenly had the urge to punch him, and she wished she had done just that when he was standing right in front of her. Now it was just frustrating, and she felt more tears build up behind her closed eyelids. What was she supposed to do now? He'd been such a great part of her life, and now... It was like she had to throw away all these years of friendship, of companionship, like it never happened because to him, it clearly didn't!
And wasn't she worth that much respect at least? Couldn't he at least pretend to be sorry, and not like it was nothing, and that she should forgive him on the spot. She felt cheap, dirtied, and the thoughts ran in circle in her mind, overwhelming, making her wonder what it was about her - other than her terrible choice of partner - that made him treat her like that.
Eventually she thought she'd had enough. Finn was an asshole, but she'd met assholes before. This one would hurt for a while, but nothing ever stopped Raven Reyes, and this wasn't gonna be it either. She had a life to live, and a whole world to explore that she never thought she could see while she lived, and this had to be like stepping out into space - you left your shit behind and you enjoyed. And did the work, of course. That was just what she'd have to do. Move on, live for herself - prove the asshole she could do without him, too.
So she did just that - she wiped her eyes, cleaned up her face with some water that had been left there for her, discarded the bloody, dirty clothes she arrived in for some that were given her by the locals (Anya did do her best to make her feel welcome, didn't she?) and when she thought she was presentable enough, she took a deep breath and stepped out of her new house. Time to get to know her new world!
Outside the sky was already going dark, but two little girls, barely more than two or three years old, were still outside, playing with wooden swords. One of them saw her, and tried to attack her - a bit timidly, not knowing how this stranger would respond. Raven parred the first hit with her forearm, but then pretended to be really hurt, and let the little girl hit her in the stomach, falling dramatically when she did. The little girl started laughing at her, and it made Raven smile. As she got up, she could see the people around the village looking at her. They visibly relaxed when they saw how she behaved towards the kids. She would never hurt them, but of course they couldn't know that...
"You're a terrible fighter!" the little girl exclaimed.
"I am!" Raven answered honestly, laughing at the kid's directness. "But maybe you could teach me?"
The girl giggled. "You're too old! You're like, mega old! I can't teach you!"
Raven pouted, though she was not sure whether the girl meant she was too young herself to teach her, or whether it was too late for Raven and she was a lost case already. Kids were just funny like that. She patted the girl's cheek and left them to their games. It was a short way to Anya's house, on the outskirts of the village, but long enough that Raven got caught up in her thoughts again, and as she knocked on the door she wasn't even sure what she was doing there anymore.
Light came in from the inside, bright and warm, when Anya opened the door for her, and stood to the side to let her in. As she came in, Raven noticed two things: it was agreeably warm compared to the chilly outside, thanks to a fire burning in the hearth. And Anya was much more relaxed - for one, she had done away with the face paint she had worn all day as General, and most of the furs were gone, leaving her dressed not so differently from anyone on the Ark. Raven idly wondered if that meant that when her ship crashed, Anya quickly put on all that makeup just to look fierce and scary to the hypothetical enemy. Seemed like a waste of time to her, but she had to admit it had its effect.
Now, though, Anya looked much softer when she stared at her weirdly and said she was no longer expecting her. Maybe she should apologize, but right then she didn't really want to think. She just saw the way Anya was looking at her, and when the door closed behind them Raven decided why the hell not, and stepped closer to Anya, pushing her lips against hers.
She'd be lying if she said she hadn't thought about doing this before. The general was a sight for sore eyes, and Raven had caught the way she'd looked at her, and what she thought was some light jealousy when it came to Finn. And it wasn't like she didn't want to. It was just, well, there was Finn. But now, Anya was there, right in front of her, looking all soft and welcoming, and Raven needed to know she was desirable still, needed to know she could still have that effect on someone. She needed to feel close to someone again, no strings attached, she needed to put the rest behind her and move on, She needed to feel warmth again, and not like she'd been trod on. And Anya looked like she could do that for her. Looked like she'd gladly do it, too, as she answered in kind, deepening the kiss and holding on to Raven's waist -
- but when Raven slid her hands under Anya's shirt, she moved back suddenly, holding her by the shoulders.
"Wait."
Raven hadn't thought how much that would sting, being rejected like that - twice in the same day too. Maybe she really was undesirable, maybe no-one really wanted her, maybe there was something with her that was wrong after all, it wasn't just that Finn was an asshole. She regretted coming here, even if she hadn't planned to do any of that. She didn't know what came to her, but now all she wanted was to turn around, to be alone again, to not have to face Anya ever again and the knowledge of having been wrong, of having fancied the woman liked her when it had been none of that. How stupid she'd been! But Anya was still holding her, and when Raven tried to turn around, to flee, Anya kept her in place. When Raven tried to look down, Anya just tilted her head back up to make her look into her eyes, the last thing Raven wanted to do right then. She didn't want to see Anya's contempt, her anger, her disgust maybe, her pity. That's not what she found there.
Anya's pupils were blown up with desire - or maybe it was just the low light, Raven told herself, but mostly just concern, and maybe care, as Anya's eyebrows were knotted together in a frown.
"Don't get me wrong and just run away," she said softly, more softly than Raven would ever have thought Anya was capable of. She let her hand wander to stroke Raven's cheek, and Raven felt her heart skip a bit. "I do want this to happen, and I wish - but you'd regret it, and you'd hate me for letting you do that to yourself."
Raven shook her head, pulling herself away. Anya was close, definitely too close. She let her go, this time, though. And now Raven was getting angry, too angry to just leave. Did she really have to be so condescending? She'd made it clear she wasn't happy with the situation, couldn't she let Raven be? No, of course not, she had to act like she cared and like she knew better. "What do you know? Why'd you assume to know what's best for me?!"
"I don't, but I've been there before. I won't do that to you." She was strangely calm for someone who was getting yelled at, and it only served to infuriate Raven even more. "Raven, you're yelling at me. You're obviously not okay. I don't know that guy or whatever he meant to you, but he obviously hurt you, and you're not gonna get over that like this. You're just going to hurt yourself even more, and that may be on him but you're the one who'll suffer."
"That's bullshit!"
"Alright," Anya nodded. She sat down nonchalantly at one of the wooden chairs around her small table, crossing her legs and draping an arm around the back of the chair like she was going to win the argument and she knew it. "Just tell me you know you won't regret it."
"I won't..." Raven started, before she realised she didn't believe one word of what she'd just said, and she was about as bad a liar as Finn was. Also, she really needed to stop thinking about everything through him. She deflated.
Anya sighed, and indicated the chair next to her with her chin. Raven let herself flop down on the chair. Well, she'd just made a fool of herself in front of this total stranger, and also probably made clear all of her anxieties and romance issues, so there really wasn't anything more embarrassing she could do now; she might as well own it.
"I just... need to stop thinking," she confessed.
"Let's have a drink then," Anya decided. She smiled "You might regret it too, though."
She got up and got out of a cupboard what Raven was pretty sure were tankards. She'd never even tried moonshine before, but there had to be a beginning to everything.
And oh, did she regret it!
She woke up in Anya's bed - wholly clothed except for her shoes - with the worst headache in history. Anya had left a bucket at the side of the bed, but Raven was pretty sure she didn't throw up. That was at least that much of her dignity she had left... And, well, Anya was right at least, it had worked to make her forget her problems - and now she'd be too busy hurting to think too much. Right now, it seemed sex would have been a far healthier idea, but now that most of her anger had been dissolved in alcohol, she knew Anya had been right. It'd have left her with a far more bitter taste in her mouth, and for far longer.
It took her a while to will herself to get up instead of hiding from the light under the covers, but when she finally did, she found Anya in the adjacent kitchen, who handed her a tall glass full of a golden brown liquid.
"Drink."
She wasn't speaking too loud, thank goodness, but even so it made Raven's head hurt. She frowned and grumbled. "How aren't you even a little bit hungover? And what is this?"
"Moderation," Anya laughed. "And habit. And it's just apple juice. No alcohol. You need to get re-hydrated. Since you refused to drink anything but alcohol last night..."
Raven had only vague memories of that, but she recalled Anya advising she drink some water to make it easier for her in the morning. She took note to always believe the locals when it came to their own food and traditions.
"Thanks," she mumbled as she took a seat and downed the glass. She wasn't gonna live this down any time soon, was she.
Anya grinned when she made that remark. She was about to say something, but they were interrupted by a hurried knock on the door.
"General," a young warrior said, out of breath, once Anya had invited her in. "The Commander is on her way!"
Anya looked surprised for half a second, but then the General in her, practical and quick, seemed to take over. "Alright, I'm coming. Let's welcome her as is due." Once the warrior had left them alone again, she turned to Raven. "I hope you can recover quickly."