"Nobody has to know." That's the rule they'd decided on Thursday night in the car, the lights were off and it was midnight, so Ell and Matilda were clearly asleep, and Tori and Tamara were returning from the bar, Tamara was at her usual level of drunkenness and Tori was beginning to feel the buzz.
Neither of them can remember who instigated it but before they knew it they were laid in the back seat with Tamara on top and kissing like it was the end of the world, the kissing led to more and they woke up the next day still in the car and naked.
Ell and Matilda hadn't noticed them missing the night before and they'd returned to their regular lives, Ell was still an artist, Matilda was still a hair dresser, Tamara was still an unemployed drunk and Tori was the crippled burden, nothing had changed and their secret was safe.
Until once again they were kissing, this time in the living room while Ell was at her parents and Matilda had gone shopping on her day off, Tamara tried to push down the fluttering feeling she got in her stomach when Tori kissed her, and thought about why Tori's heart was beating so fast, she was pleasantly surprised to feel the other woman's hands on her thighs and wanted to beg her for just a little more when Matilda came in.
They were able to move away before she came in and saw them but Tamara saw the way Matilda looked between them before she spoke and wondered if she had figured it out.
She didn't say anything, and Matilda didn't ask.
On Saturday, Matilda invited Tamara to go shopping with her.
"Didn't you go shopping two days ago?" She attempts to weasel her way out of the situation and briefly wonders where Tori and Ell are.
"Yeah, but I forgot to go to Claire's, and the American sweet shop, and bra shopping and-" Tamara stops listening and figures that shopping with 'Tilda is fun enough, and she does love the sweet shop, and the disgusted look on Tori's face when she sees sweets, so she agrees to go with her and Matilda is hopping with excitement.
The day out was mostly uneventful, although Tamara did pick up on Matilda constantly holding her hand to drag her towards something, or her eyes spending just a little longer than normal on her chest, and the sickeningly sweet pet names, like 'honey bunny' and 'pumpkin pie'.
She didn't even realise what it was at the time.
She realised what had been happening when all four of them had gone out to the arcade and Tamara had almost panicked at the number of people, she reached her hand out to Tori and pointed towards the bathrooms, Tori told the girls they'd be right back and as soon as they'd got in Tamara grabbed her hoodie strings and pulled her down, Tori had cherry flavoured lip balm on and Tamara's lips were chapped.
They were in there for five minutes, kissing sweetly rather than the usual angry and passionate kisses they're used to and the fluttering feeling comes back, Tamara lets it stay there and strokes her fingers along the scars on Tori's face, Tori touches the scar on Tamara's arm and they both pull away, a string of saliva connecting them.
"Your eyes are beautiful." Tori sighs and Tamara smirks, pushing their lips back together, and that's when Matilda comes in.
"Tammy, we can go if you're n-" Tamara doesn't even notice her until she's gone and they pull away again.
"Did you hear something?"
Matilda feels sick seeing them after that, she doesn't tell Ell what she saw, instead saying they'd be out soon, and then when they do come out Ell insists they leave and coddles Tamara, Ell is so sweet to her.
Later Tori and Tamara retire to bed early and Matilda spills everything to Ell in a sobbing mess, how she had saw them twice, and how she felt about Tamara, she was a shaking mess when she'd finished and Ell wasn't sure what she could say other than 'You'll be okay.'
Ell felt it wasn't the right time to tell Matilda how she felt about her .
Matilda felt safe in Ell's arms and asked if she could sleep with Ell tonight, the other woman agreed.
In the middle of the night Ell got up to use the bathroom and passed Tamara's room on the way back, only to hear whispers.
"Tori, I think I hurt her."
"I'm so sorry, Tamara, it was my fault."
"I think I'm in love with her, but I still love you."
"Tamara, I love you all." There were sniffles and hiccups but Ell didn't know who was crying, or if they both were.
And the next morning it was back to normal, as if the entire week hadn't occurred, Tamara and Tori were still fighting and throwing insults, Matilda still chattered about work and Ell watched it all as if she wasn't really there, trying to figure out if anything had changed.
She saw the bags under Tori's eyes, she saw how Tamara seemed to twitch and jump when anything came near her wrists and she saw the tear tracks under Matilda's eyes and she found that for the first time she was completely and utterly useless.