Nonconformist, noun: 1. A person whose behavior or views do not conform to prevailing ideas or practices. 2. A person who does not behave the way most people behave.
Erin Gilbert, professor of particle physics at Columbia University, is as conformist as they come. She follows the rules, she sucks up to people, she does what everyone wants and expects her to do, and she hates herself for it.
Then she’s fired, joins the Ghostbusters, and meets Holtzmann.
She thinks the dictionary should add another definition under ‘Nonconformist.’
3. Jillian Holtzmann
Holtzmann lives with complete disregard for societal expectations. She crushes Pringles into the carpet of a historic house with her heavy combat boots. She wears a literal ‘Screw you’ around her neck. She shouts weird noises and dresses in an amalgamation of thrift store finds and runs like she’s never seen how a person is supposed to run and wears mismatched socks and does it all with a confidence that makes it seem normal.
She’s the complete antithesis to Erin Gilbert, professor of particle physics at Columbia University.
And Erin is, inexplicably, drawn to her. She looks for a scientific explanation. Maybe there’s some merit to the whole ‘opposites attract’ philosophy after all.
They perform an intricate dance around each other for months. Erin knows exactly how Holtz feels about her—lack of subtlety is yet another way Holtzmann strays from the norm—and she knows that Holtz can see the way Erin’s cheeks flame every time she’s on the receiving end of a flirty comment or wink.
It should be simple, but Erin doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know what the conventions are for a situation like this. What do you do when you’re falling for your Ghostbusting colleague and friend whose every move is unpredictable? The situation is unprecedented…Holtzmann is unprecedented.
Luckily, Holtz is bolder than Erin, and eventually asks her out. In the beginning Erin still feels lost. She doesn’t know the rules for dating Holtzmann. Where are they supposed to go on dates? Who’s supposed to pay? Do they need to tell Abby and Patty?
If there’s one thing she learns very fast, though, it’s that the rules for dating Holtzmann are that there are no rules. Anything and everything is fair game.
Erin tells herself that whatever they’re doing will never last. There’s no way that two completely opposite people like them will work out. But weeks stretch into months, then years, and Holtzmann is everything that Erin needs in a relationship.
So slowly that she doesn’t even notice it happening, Erin begins to change. She starts to soften. Let loose. Care less what people think of her. Without even meaning to, Holtz pushes Erin out of her comfort zone each day they’re together—just by being herself.
Erin loves the new version of herself. For the first time in her life, she feels free.
Erin Gilbert, Ghostbuster, girlfriend of Jillian Holtzmann, can’t be called a conformist anymore, and she wouldn’t have it any other way.
***
They’re on a bust—maybe a more difficult one than usual, with more than one ghost, but nothing they can’t handle—and Erin pauses just to watch Holtzmann.
She’s never seen anyone on the planet who looks as hot wielding a gun as Holtz. She’s an incredible sight.
She watches Holtz battle a pair of stubborn twins with her dual pistols. She decimates one with a cackle and dances in circles around the other one, avoiding its reach and drawing out the fight. Despite the Ghostbuster’s name, busting ghosts isn’t a big part of their job. They get called on maybe one bust a week if they’re lucky, so all of them make the most out of any calls they get. Fighting ghosts is much more fun than research (even though Erin finds research fun too).
Holtzmann moves with such grace. Each step she takes seems like it’s been choreographed.
She’s a force of nature. A beautiful force of nature.
Erin loves her.
“Hey, Holtz?”
“Yeah?” Holtz calls over her shoulder without looking away from the ghost.
“Want to get married?” It’s not a spontaneous question by any means. It’s been floating in her head for months. She’s just been waiting for a good time, and this seems like as good a time as any. “To me,” she clarifies.
Holtz looks back at her, then, and a grin spreads across her face. “Was that a proposal?”
The ghost takes advantage of Holtz being distracted and lunges at her. “Ghost!” Erin shouts and points.
Without taking her eyes off Erin, Holtz fires one of her pistols behind her. It hits the ghost straight in the face, and it explodes into nothingness.
“Good shot,” Erin says.
“Thanks,” Holtz replies. She releases her pistols and lets them retract into her pack. She strides over to Erin, grabs ahold of her face, and kisses her roughly.
When Holtz lets her go, Erin shoots her a look. “You going to leave me hanging?”
Holtz winks.
Erin waits.
“Where do you think Abby and Patty went?” Holtz says finally.
“Holtz.”
“Erin. Of course I want to marry you, you dork.”
Erin exhales. “You could’ve said that sooner.”
“You really think I was gonna say no?” Holtz kisses the tip of her nose. “Come on, let’s go make sure the others aren’t dead and tell them the news. Do you have a ring for me?”
“No.”
“I take it back, then. I only said yes for the bling.”
Erin pushes her playfully. “I thought maybe you’d want to make us rings.”
“Ah hah! You’re only marrying me for my soldering skills!” Holtz jabs a finger into Erin’s chest. “I see right through your plot. Foiled again, Erin Gilbert.”
“I’m having regrets already,” Erin says.
Holtz smirks and links their arms together. “No you’re not.”
“No, I’m not.”
***
Erin sets her phone down on the kitchen table between her and Holtz. “Hey, Mom. You’re on speakerphone.”
“Hello, Erin. Hello, Jillian.”
“Heyo, Mama Gil. What’s shakin’?”
“I planted some geraniums this morning. They’ll be quite lovely, I think. Do you garden, Jillian?”
“I tried the plant thing once. Managed to kill a cactus.”
Erin’s mother tsks.
“Mom, we have something to tell you,” Erin says.
“Are you okay?” she asks immediately. Erin inherited her ability to worry from her mother.
“Yes! Yes, I’m fine.”
“Jillian?”
“Never been better,” Holtz says. “Although I do have this weird rash in my knee-pit that I’ve been meaning to show Erin, so maybe—”
“It’s probably eczema,” Erin interrupts with a roll of her eyes. “We’re both fine, Mom.”
“Is Abby—”
“Everyone’s fine. Nobody’s sick. It’s something good, I promise.”
There’s a pause. “Okay, then, get on with it.”
Erin nods at Holtz, who leans forward excitedly on the table.
“Eileen, get this—your daughter finally worked up the courage to ask me to marry her!”
Another pause, and then Erin’s mother cries out. “Oh! Oh my goodness, congratulations! Oh, I’m so happy for you two! This is wonderful news, why did you get me all worked up? This is so amazing, and…”
She carries on yammering excitedly for a few minutes before she finally asks when the wedding will be.
Erin grimaces. “Yeah, about that…”
***
Eileen throws a small stink about it, but accepts their decision to have a courthouse ceremony followed by a relaxed reception for their closest friends and family.
They wake up on the morning of the wedding and Holtz groans into her pillow.
“Can we play hooky today?”
“We’re getting married today, Holtz,” Erin says pointedly.
“There’s no chance we can do that from the comfort of our bed, can we?”
“If we had planned for that, probably, but with this little notice…”
“Damn. Next time.”
“How many marriages are you planning on having, Holtz?” Erin teases.
“Oh, at least three.”
Erin plants her hands on Holtzmann’s side and shoves until she falls off the bed and onto the floor with a thud.
“Oooh, Gilbert. You’re going to pay for that tonight when I have bruises and I’m too sore to consummate our marriage.”
Erin crawls across the bed and lands on her stomach with her head poking over the edge. She smiles angelically down at Holtz. “I can get by just fine without you, and you know that.”
Holtz pouts.
***
Erin stares into her closet and sighs. “I feel like I should’ve decided what to wear sooner. Do I have to wear white?”
She looks back at Holtz for guidance.
She’s sitting on the bed and bouncing up and down. “Do you want to wear white?”
“No. I hate how I look in white.”
“Then don’t wear white. Wear whatever you want. Wear something you feel good in.”
Erin turns back to the closet, an idea forming in her mind.
***
They step out of the courthouse and Erin can’t stop smiling. She feels for the thin and simple metal band around her ring finger.
“Hey,” she says. “Hey, Holtz.”
“Yeah?”
“We’re married.” She holds up her left hand and wiggles her fingers.
“Yeah we are.” Holtz smirks at her and holds up her own hand with her matching ring. She high-fives Erin.
Erin rolls up the sleeves of her Ghostbusters jumpsuit, already feeling warm in the June sun. She had, following Holtzmann’s advice, chosen the one article of clothing she felt most confident in.
Holtz loved the idea so much that she ditched her selected ensemble in favour of her own jumpsuit.
She also decided to carry a wrench and a screwdriver as a mini-bouquet because Erin is allergic to flowers. Erin didn’t want to carry anything, so she’s not.
Holtz drops her bouquet into a pocket of her jumpsuit and takes Erin’s hand. “Hey Erin. We’re married.”
“Marrieeed.” Erin draws the word out.
“Maaaarrieeeeed.” Holtz draws it out longer, and in a goofy voice.
“Ma—”
“Oh my God, I’m happy for y’all but shut up,” Patty says.
***
Something soft smacks into the back of Erin’s head. She turns around and squints at Holtz, who’s standing with her hands in the pockets of her jumpsuit and whistling.
Erin spots the projectile on the ground—a roll of streamers, which Holtz is supposed to be hanging.
She picks up the roll and lobs it back at Holtz, who catches it before it hits her face. She examines it thoughtfully. “I wonder if you could mummy me up with just one roll. Want to find out?”
Erin holds up a hand and Holtz tosses the streamers back to her. She catches them and strides over, already unrolling.
Abby comes down the stairs of the firehouse five minutes later and sees them giggling as Erin runs in circles around Holtz, enveloping her with the streamers.
“What the hell are you guys doing?”
“Science,” Holtz replies without missing a beat.
“Your guests are arriving in half an hour,” Abby says. “Do with that information what you will.”
“Love you, Abby,” Erin calls.
***
Dr. Gorin pulls Holtz in for a hug. “Congratulations, Jillian.”
Holtz pounds her on the back with her usual enthusiasm. Erin pokes her. “You take a year off her life every time you do that.”
“I am inclined to agree,” Dr. Gorin gasps out.
Holtz releases her with tears shining in her eyes. Dr. Gorin gives her a fond smile and moves to embrace Erin next.
“Take care of her, please,” she says in Erin’s ear.
Erin feels herself getting choked up. “I will,” she whispers.
Dr. Gorin steps back. “Well, I’m going to go see if that boy of yours is a better bartender than he is a receptionist.”
They follow her gaze to the corner of the room, where Kevin is manning the bar. At that moment, he drops a glass and it shatters.
“I’ve got it!” he shouts at no-one.
“I wouldn’t hold my breath,” Erin says to Dr. Gorin.
***
“—and I said ‘Well, sir, that’s because that wasn’t your wife—that was a class five apparition wearing a corset!’”
Holtz finishes her story to raucous laughter. She grins and leans back into her chair and takes a swig from her beer.
Erin, who’s sitting in her lap, pries the bottle from her hand and makes a face at the condensation on the sides. “Ew, this is all sweaty.”
“So are you,” Holtz says.
Erin’s fingers go to her forehead, which is indeed slick. “Shoot…I am, aren’t I?”
“It’s cute.”
“You’re cute.”
“I know. Can I have my beer back?”
Erin takes a sip and then passes it back.
Patty is staring at them. “Are y’all done being gross?”
***
“You still haven’t told us where you’re going for your honeymoon,” Tim Holtzmann says.
Erin shrugs at her new father-in-law.
“They haven’t told us either,” Abby pipes up. “They think they can just take off for an undetermined amount of time without telling us where they’re going or for how long.”
“You’ll survive,” Erin says. Across the room, Holtz is arm-wrestling one of her brothers. Erin watches her fondly.
“What if there’s another apocalypse and the world ends because you guys are off galivanting God knows where?” Abby asks.
“That’s a tad dramatic.”
“Do you know where you’re going?” Holtz’ younger sister, Kelsey, asks.
“Roughly speaking,” Erin replies. “We’re mostly winging it.”
“Who are you and what have you done with my daughter?” Erin’s mom says with a laugh. “You used to have a meltdown if your outfits weren’t planned out a week in advance. What’s happened to you?”
Erin still hasn’t taken her eyes off her wife. Holtz finally manages to slam Tony’s hand down to the table and lets out a large whoop, throwing her arms in the air victoriously.
A smile plays at the corners of Erin’s mouth. “Only good things, Mom. Only good things.”
***
The day after the wedding, they wake up tired and sore and stay in bed for half the day cuddling.
“Do you want to go mini-golfing?” Holtz says abruptly.
“Right now?”
“Yes. I have a hankering.”
“For mini-golf?”
Holtz waggles her eyebrows. Erin snorts and brushes hair from Holtz’ face.
“Come on, whaddya say, wifey?” Holtz says.
“Let’s go.” Erin kisses Holtz’ nose.
***
Holtz swings her putter aggressively and sends her neon green ball careening down towards the hole. It smacks the giant gnome instead of going through his legs and rebounds, flying back at them with alarming speed.
“DUCK!” Holtz grabs Erin’s arm and they both drop to the ground.
The ball sails over their head and disappears into a bush.
They’re silent for a few seconds, and then they both start giggling.
“For someone who knows a lot about physics, you sure are terrible at this,” Erin says.
“Oh, shut up. Wanna ditch this and go make out behind that windmill over there?”
“Absolutely.”
***
Later that day, they sit in front of Erin’s laptop.
“Okay, generating random city…now.” Holtz clicks the button.
The webpage loads a name.
“Oh, Nashville! Okay, sure, I’ve never been to Tenness—”
Holtz taps the screen to interrupt Erin.
Erin squints. “Does that say Vermont? Nashville, Vermont? Is that a real place?”
Holtz turns to Erin with an excited grin. “Road trip to Nashville?”
Erin pulls the laptop towards her and types it into Google Maps. She zooms in on Earth view. There doesn’t appear to be much in the way of buildings. Or any civilization. She stares at the screen for a moment.
“Let’s do it,” she says.
***
“You’re going where?” Patty’s voice comes through the speaker of Erin’s phone, which is resting on the bed as they pack suitcases.
“Vermont,” Holtz says cheerfully.
“But why?” Abby says. “Of all the places to go for a honeymoon, why butt-fuck Vermont?”
“Hey, don’t insult a place you’ve never been,” Erin says as she folds a shirt.
“How long will y’all be gone for?”
“You know we don’t have any control over that, Pattster.”
“I’d argue that you have plenty of control over that,” Abby says.
“We’re slave to a higher power,” Holtz says.
“God?”
“An appetite for adventure, Abby.”
Erin laughs. “Two weeks tops, guys.”
“Two WEEKS?”
“It’s our honeymoon!” Holtz says. “We need lots of time to eat honey and moon the locals.”
“Please don’t moon the locals. Nobody needs to see your skinny white asses.”
“We’re hanging up now! Love you guys. See you soon,” Erin says.
“We’ll bring you some excellent souvenirs!”
They hang up the phone and grin at each other.
***
They never do manage to find Nashville. They do, however, end up in Waterbury.
“BEN & JERRY’S FACTORY TOUR,” Holtz shouts and points, nearly driving off the road in the process. “CAN WE GO?”
Erin laughs. “Eyes on the road. I’ll figure out the exit number.”
They go on the tour, and Holtz is like a little kid with wide eyes as she watches them make the ice cream. Erin finds herself watching Holtz more than she watches the tour.
Afterwards, they get huge waffle cones and go for a walk in the sun with their hands swinging between them. Holtz takes a bite out of Erin’s ice cream (it always makes Erin cringe that she can bite it like that) and talks excitedly about the highlights of the tour.
They both finish their cones around the same time. Holtz spots a dog in the distance and takes off running to pet it.
Erin watches her retreating back with a smile. Scrawled in thick Sharpie on a homemade t-shirt are the words: If lost, return to my wife. There’s also a drawing of a little smiling ghost.
Erin’s wearing a matching shirt, that reads, simply: I’m her wife.
***
They go to Camel’s Hump state park, because the name makes both of them laugh. Somehow, they decide to hike up the mountain, even though neither of them like hiking. Erin thinks it must be a testament to how much she loves Holtz, because she manages to have fun doing something that she would normally hate.
Holtz spends the entire hike inventing names for the flora and fauna they pass. They stop numerous times, and have a picnic halfway up. They eat chips and dented sandwiches from a convenience store, and Holtz eats three Clif bars.
“I’m eating a Clif bar on the edge of a cliff, Erin! Get it?”
“You don’t need that many.”
“I’m an adventurer.”
When they reach the top, all they can do is stare in amazement at the views.
“It’s beautiful,” Erin breaths.
“It’s so green.”
Erin looks sideways at her wife, and links their hands together. She gives a gentle squeeze. Holtz leans her head on Erin’s shoulder.
“I love you,” Erin says quietly.
Holtz turns her head to kiss Erin’s shoulder. “I love you too. Hey, wanna hump on Camel’s Hump?”
***
They’ve been married for seven months. Erin is sitting at her desk working when Holtzmann comes over and sits directly on top of the notebook she’s writing in, tipping over a jar of pencils in the process.
“Please, feel free to take a seat on my desk,” Erin says.
“Guess what?” Holtz adjusts herself on the desk and her butt knocks Erin’s metal model of an atom to the floor. Erin sighs.
“You’re finally giving up on the proton missile idea?” Erin asks hopefully.
Holtz shoots her a look. “As if. No, Aunt Batty died!”
Erin blinks. “Who?”
“Aunt Batty. Oh…great aunt, technically.” Holtz taps her chin.
“Aunt…Batty…”
“Her real name’s Betty. She coined the nickname. If you ever got the chance to meet her, you’d get it. Oh well.” Holtz shrugs a little sadly.
Erin is still trying to understand. “Were…you close?”
“She was pretty fantastic. One of my favourite relatives.”
“I’m sorry, Holtz.”
“Don’t be. She was, like, a hundred. She lived a very long and prosperous life…just the other day she was telling me how she had just boned this guy from bingo in the bathroom. Isn’t that wild?”
Erin pulls a face. “Too much information.”
Holtz leans forward. “Okay, here’s where it gets good, though. I just got off the phone with my old man, right? He tells me they were sorting through the will, and you’ll never guess what she left me.”
“What?” Erin is a little scared to ask.
“Her house!” Holtz settles back, and Erin hears the sound of something else being pushed off the desk and hitting the floor.
“She left you her house?”
“Yeah! Isn’t that cool? Her mortgage is paid off and everything.”
“Her house. She left you her house.”
“Yep.”
“Her—”
“House. Oh! And apparently, get this, she buried a large amount of gold either in the front or back yard, and if I can find it, it’s mine too. Or ours, I guess. Bet you’re glad you married me now.” Holtz winks.
“She…buried…gold?”
“Yeah.”
“In her yard.”
“One of them. Or so she says. They didn’t call her ‘Batty’ for nothing.”
Erin doesn’t know what to say to that. “What…what are you going to do?”
Holtz takes off her glasses and folds them up. “Well, we can either sell the house and make some cash, or…we could move there.” She stares at Erin expectantly.
Erin swallows. “Move…to your great aunt Batty’s house which may or may not have gold buried in one of the yards?”
Holtz shoots finger guns at her.
“When do we have to decide?” Erin asks.
“Whenever we want. Do you want to go check the place out? See what you think?”
“Sure, let’s…do that.”
***
“It’s pink, Holtz.”
“Yeah.” Holtz looks fondly up at the Pepto-Bismol house that technically belongs to them.
“Why is it pink?”
Holtz shrugs.
There’s a massive sprawling garden with at least three lawn flamingos that Erin can see, and the actual house is huge too.
The inside is grossly outdated, but it’s a four bedroom, two and a half bath, with a large basement to boot…so Erin finds herself not really minding. There’s an odd sort of charm to it all—the white melamine cabinets…the purple shag carpeting…the bookshelf full of ceramic chickens…the fact that it’s free…
“What do you think?” Holtz says.
“I think we should move here,” Erin replies.
Holtz grins. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
***
They begin the long process of selling all of Aunt Batty’s stuff, and they chip away at renovations. They rip up the carpet in all the rooms but one (Holtz wants to keep it for sentimental value) and put down engineered hardwood. They gut the kitchen, and put in new cabinets, new appliances, and a new backsplash. They completely renovate the two full bathrooms, but leave the green toilet and sink in the half bath for character. They paint the whole house in cheerful colours, and Erin can’t help but compare it to the white-on-grey colour scheme she chose in her apartment, and how sad it always made her feel.
“Can I paint a mural on that wall?” Holtz asks, pointing with her paint roller as they paint the living room.
Erin follows her gaze. It’s the wall behind the couch. “Sure,” she says. “What kind of mural?”
Holtz shrugs. “Dunno yet.”
It ends up being mostly abstract art, but there are several recognizable objects. There are several ghosts, and the Ghostbusters logo is up in one of the corners.
In the center of the whole wall, there’s a massive heart with EG + JH written in swooping cursive that Holtz must’ve spent hours practicing, because her regular handwriting is illegible. Every time Erin sees it, she can’t help but smile.
Holtz starts constructing a lab for herself in the basement once the regular renovations are done. Erin claims one of the spare bedrooms as an office, and hangs all her diplomas and awards on the walls. She hasn’t had anywhere to put them since Columbia.
“What are we going to do with the other spare rooms?” Erin asks one day, as she stands in the doorway of one of them (the one without the historic carpeting).
Holtz comes down the hallway and rests her hand on the small of Erin’s back, peering past her into the room.
“Oh, I was thinking we could knock out the walls and have a triple-wide hallway. Whaddya say?”
Erin giggles, and Holtz nuzzles into her neck. Erin can feel her warm breath on her skin as she chuckles.
“Nah, we’ll think of something,” Holtz says quietly.
***
Erin sits at the kitchen island of Holtzmann’s oldest brother’s apartment. She takes a sip from the glass of water in her hand. Over on the couch, Holtz is seated with a bundle of squirming blankets in her arms. She stares down at her nephew with an expression of complete adoration and wonder. Ian sits beside her with an equal expression on his face. He’s the first of Holtz’ siblings to have a baby.
Holtz coos at the newborn and rocks it gently from side to side.
Ian’s wife, Katie, takes a seat beside Erin and follows her gaze.
“You guys next, then?”
Erin looks at her in surprise. “What? Me and Holtz? That’s…we…I mean we aren’t…we haven’t…”
The smile on Katie’s face falls. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
“No, we just…we haven’t…talked about it,” Erin finishes quietly.
“Oh,” Katie says, equally as soft.
They’re silent. They both watch their spouses for a while.
“How is it?” Erin says, almost inaudibly. “Being a…mom?”
“It’s incredible. When they handed him to me…it was the best moment of my life.”
Erin watches as Ian says something to Holtz that causes her face to light up. She laughs, her face scrunching up adorably, and bends to say something to the baby. Erin looks at the floor and swallows. “Oh.”
***
Erin walks down the stairs to the basement lab with her fingers clenching and unclenching. She tries to force down the rising panic.
Holtz is dancing over her workbench, lip-syncing to a song Erin doesn’t recognize. She spots Erin and grins, turning the music down and beckoning her closer.
“Hey babe, I thought you’d be working,” Holtz says.
“I was, but I wanted to talk to you. About something.”
Holtz must be able to hear the anxiety in her voice, because she shuts off the music completely and takes Erin’s hands across the table. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, I just…there’s something that I…I want to…”
“Erin, honey, breathe. Whatever it is, you can tell me. Why don’t we go upstairs where we can talk more comfortably?”
Erin can only nod. Her throat feels like it’s closing up.
Holtz quickly powers down a few of the more sensitive things in the lab and takes Erin’s hand again to tug her upstairs. She sinks into the couch and pulls Erin into her lap. Erin snuggles into her and rests her cheek against Holtz’ chest.
Holtz rubs circles on her back. “What’s going on?”
Erin shifts so her ear is pressed against Holtz’ chest, and listens to her heartbeat until her own starts slowing from its frantic pace. Holtz waits.
Erin takes a deep breath. “I don’t know how to…” She trails off and shuts her eyes.
“Would it be easier for you to text it to me? Or write it down?” Holtz pauses. “Morse code? Smoke signals?”
That gets Erin to laugh. She exhales. “No, I just…don’t know how to begin.”
“Well, why don’t you start by telling me the topic of discussion?”
Erin bites her lip. Her eyes are still closed. “How, um…how do you feel about…children?” She squeaks the last word out.
“In the abstract?” Holtz sounds confused. “They’re pretty cool. Fun to talk to.”
“No, I mean…” Erin sucks in a shaky breath. “I mean…do you want kids?”
She feels Holtz still. She wishes she could see her expression, but she’s too scared to open her eyes.
In the smallest voice ever, Holtz says, “Oh.”
It falls so quiet that all Erin can hear is the ticking of the cuckoo clock that was Aunt Batty’s and the thumping of Holtz’ heart.
“Erin, can you look at me, hon?”
Reluctantly, Erin opens her eyes, but realizes she still can’t see Holtz from this vantage point. She clambers out of Holtz’ lap so she’s sitting opposite her on the couch. Holtz takes her hand and squeezes it, then gently tilts Erin’s head up so she’s forced to make eye contact.
“Erin, do you want kids?”
“I asked you first,” Erin mumbles.
“Erin. I love you, and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way…but if I answer first, and my answer isn’t the same as your answer, you’ll lie and change your answer to make me happy. I know you will. So please answer the question, and answer it honestly, without worrying about what I’m going to say, okay?”
Erin, for a moment, hates the fact that her wife knows her so well.
Because…if there’s one person on the planet whose opinion of her she still cares about…it’s Holtz.
She stares into Holtz’ eyes, and the familiarity of them calms her. She takes another deep breath. “No.”
“No, you’re not going to answer? Or no, you don’t want kids?”
“I don’t want kids.”
Holtz nods. “Okay.” She squeezes Erin’s hand again. “Can I ask why? You don’t need a reason to feel that way, but I’m curious if there is one.”
“I just…don’t care for children that much. And I’m too old to have any that are biologically mine. And the thought of raising a human when there’s so much room to mess up terrifies me.” The reasons tumble out of her one after the other. It feels so good to get off her chest.
“Okay,” Holtz says again.
Erin chew on her lip and studies Holtz’ face. “You need to answer, now. And answer honestly.”
Holtz lifts an eyebrow. “My honest answer?”
“Yes. Don’t try to spare my feelings.”
Holtz brushes some hair back from Erin’s face. “I always thought I’d have kids. I came from a big family, and I thought I’d want to carry that on.”
Erin’s heart sinks. What is this going to mean for them? This is something that marriages fall apart over.
“But,” Holtz continues, “lately that’s been changing.”
“It has? Or are you just saying that?” Erin asks anxiously.
“It has,” Holtzmann confirms. “Especially after meeting Rodney and seeing how exhausted Ian and Katie are. I love kids, I really really do, but I think I might be destined to be the cool lesbian aunt.” She smirks. “The actual nitty-gritty of parenting doesn’t seem that appealing, if I’m being honest. It’s way more fun to play with them a few hours and then get to go home to your quiet, slightly radioactive house, where there will never be toys shoved in every crevice and you can have really loud sex with your super hot wife whenever you want.”
Erin laughs. Holtz winks.
“So that’s…that, then? No kids?”
Holtz leans forward to kiss her forehead. “No kids. I’ve been meaning to ask you if we can get an animal, though.”
“What…kind of animal?”
“I was thinking a hippo, but I’m flexible.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
“You love me.” Holtz reaches to tickle Erin’s sides, and she gasps with laughter and falls forward onto her wife.
“Oh, you’re going to get it…”
***
Marriage equality is finally passed in Australia, and Kevin gets engaged to his longtime boyfriend, Chad. He announces his resignation and plans to move back home. They throw him a huge going-away party, during which they all cry. Six months later, the four of them fly to Melbourne for the wedding. Holtz is one of Kevin’s groomsmen, and she stands proudly alongside his (equally as attractive) brother and friends.
His whole family seems a little stunned to meet them. They probably all thought “receptionist for a company that catches ghosts” was a Kevinism.
***
They’ve been married for three years. On their anniversary, Erin wakes up to an empty bed. In the place where Holtz should be, there’s a Nerf gun with a Post-it attached.
I’m hiding somewhere in the house with one. Good luck ;)
Erin throws off the covers and grabs the gun with glee.
Soon, she finds out that Holtz has made some…adjustments…to the guns when they nearly have to call the fire department.
Erin still wins.
***
Erin invites Abby over for a movie night. They sit on the couch surrounded by blankets and pillows and bicker about which movie to pick.
In the entranceway, Holtz throws her coat on and pulls the door open.
“See ya,” she says with a salute before slipping out.
After the door clicks shut and they hear the sound of the car starting, Abby turns to Erin with a confused expression.
“Where’s she off to?”
Erin shrugs and shoves a handful of popcorn in her mouth.
“You don’t know?”
“She leaves sometimes.” Erin shrugs again. “It’s fine.”
Abby studies her face. “That doesn’t worry you?”
“She’s a grown woman, Abby. She hasn’t blown herself up yet, and she’s not going to. She cares more about safety than she lets on.”
“That isn’t…what I meant,” Abby mutters.
“What did you mean?” Erin frowns.
“Don’t you want to, you know, keep tabs on her whereabouts?”
A laugh bursts out of Erin. “That sounds so creepy. I’m not her mother. I told you, she can handle herself.”
Abby holds her hands up. “Sorry, sorry. You know I don’t really understand relationships.”
That’s true. Abby remains married to her work, and perfectly happy that way.
Abby continues, “I thought most couples are like, weirdly obsessed with knowing what the other is doing all the time. Is that just a movie thing?”
Erin remembers the last relationship she had before Holtz…what was his name? Paul? Peter? Well, not important. She recalls how paranoid she was that he was cheating on her.
“Maybe,” Erin says. “Or maybe it’s just the mark of a bad couple.”
***
The four of them are out for drinks. Abby’s in the bathroom. Holtz is up at the bar getting them another round. There’s a burst of laughter from the bartender, a cute young thing with tattoos down both arms. Holtz leans onto the bar and says something else to her, gesturing wildly.
“Doesn’t that bother you?” Patty asks Erin.
“What?”
“Holtzy flirting with that girl.”
“Should it?”
“I dunno, man, but if I caught Dennis flirting with another woman I’d kick his ass.”
Dennis is Patty’s boyfriend of almost four years. He proposed a few years back, but Patty shot him down. Marriage wasn’t her thing, she said.
“You don’t trust him?” Erin asks.
“Naw, I do. I just think it’s mad disrespectful.”
“Huh. I’ve never thought about it like that. It’s just…it’s Holtz, you know? That’s what she does. I don’t think it’s something she can turn off. I’d be a little concerned if she stopped flirting with everyone on the planet, actually. And it really, truly doesn’t bother me.”
Patty chuckles. “Power to you, baby.” She downs the last of her drink. “And you’re right. The day Holtzy stops flirting is the day we know she’s gone off the deep end.”
Erin laughs, loud enough that it carries across the bar and catches Holtz’ attention. She turns and a smile creeps across her face.
‘Love you,’ Erin mouths at her.
‘Nerd,’ Holtz mouths back.
***
They’re sitting out in the front yard on lawn chairs and making up backstories for everybody that goes past the house.
A minivan drives by with a woman in the front seat.
“She’s got six cats buckled into the back,” Erin says. “She’s taking them to soccer practice.”
Holtz cracks up.
Erin takes a sip from her lemonade and smirks around the straw.
Holtz stretches her arm onto the back of Erin’s chair. “Hey, babe, I’ve been meaning to ask—”
“No more pets,” Erin says firmly.
“You don’t even know what I’m thinking of.”
“No. More. Pets.”
One of the cats, Poptart, winds around Holtz’ legs like he knows what they’re talking about. Holtz lifts him onto her lap with her free hand. “But he’s getting lonely.”
“Maybe if he stopped being so antisocial and befriended the others…”
“You know he has trouble making friends, Erin.”
“Tell me, Holtz, how is getting more animals the solution to that? I’m fascinated to hear your argument.”
“Maybe he just hasn’t connected with any of the others. You know, kind of like how I didn’t have any friends until I met Abby, and then that snowballed into meeting you and Patty and Kevin.”
“Oh, playing the sentiment card, are we? Those are completely different situations. And—Holtz, your puppy dog eyes aren’t going to work on me.”
“History says otherwise. You can’t say no to me.”
“I know, and that’s why we have three cats, a hoard of chinchillas, and a terrarium that has God knows how many things in it because I’m too creeped out to look at it.”
“What if we just got like…a fish.”
“A single fish?”
“A single fish. That’s all. And I’ll name it Dog because you refuse to let me get one of those.”
“They’re too much work! We’ve already got our hands full. But fine…we can get a fish. Just one though!”
Holtz whoops loudly. In the yard beside them, their neighbour looks up from her azaleas and glares. She likes to lurk around and pretend she’s not listening to their conversations.
“Afternoon, Gertrude,” Holtz calls.
“I’m going to call in a noise complaint,” she warns. “And it’s Gladys.”
“My apologies, Greta. I’m going to make out with my wife for a bit now, and that should be pretty quiet!” Holtz gives the old woman a salute and turns to wink at Erin.
Erin sets her lemonade in the grass and crawls out of her chair and straddles Holtz’ lap, giving Poptart enough time to jump out of the way first. She throws her arms around Holtz’ neck and kisses her deeply. Her hands go to Erin’s waist and Erin can feel her smiling.
The lawn chair creaks, and then collapses under the combined weight of them. They both fall to the ground, and there’s a few seconds of silence before they both burst into laughter.
Gladys huffs loudly.
***
They’ve been married five years. They throw an anniversary party at their house and invite all their family and friends: Erin’s mom and dad; Holtz’ dad; Dr. Gorin; Abby; Patty and Dennis; Ian and Katie with Rodney and their little girl, Melissa; Tony with his husband, Jason, and their two-year-old daughter, Emily; Kelsey and her boyfriend…even Kevin and Chad, who booked flights as soon as they heard about the party, even though Erin told them that it wasn’t a big thing.
They rent a bouncy castle and set it up in the backyard, and break out the barbeque that Holtz built that only she is allowed to use. It’s a beautiful day, and the kids run around and play—which includes Holtz.
Holtz’ dad sidles up to Erin. “You find that gold yet?”
Erin sighs wistfully. “Not yet.”
They’ve tried several times. The problem is 1. They don’t know what yard it’s in, 2. They don’t know how much there is, and if it’s a small hunk then it could only be occupying a square inch of space, 3. They don’t know how far down it is, and 4. They don’t know if the gold exists at all.
They’d essentially have to tear up both of the yards.
“Keep at it,” he suggests. “It could be worth a fortune. Think of how your life could change!”
“I don’t know.” Erin watches Holtz do the chicken dance with Rodney and smiles to herself. “I think our life is pretty perfect the way it is.”
Holtz suddenly breaks away from Rodney and runs over to Erin. “Babe! The bouncy castle just cleared up! Come on!” She grabs Erin’s hand and pulls her.
Erin kicks off her sandals outside the castle and climbs in after Holtz, who’s already bouncing. She springs over to Erin and grabs both of her hands, and they jump out of sync so they can propel each other higher with each bounce.
They giggle and grip each other tightly as they bounce in circles around the castle. Holtz’ hair is coming undone from her updo. Erin’s forehead is sweating and her sundress keeps flying up. She doesn’t mind.
She feels free.