james
James is how everyone wants to see him, charming, perfect, athletic, confident, popular. that's all he is to most people in exception to his friends. even though he's close with Peter, Remus and especially Sirius he never really felt like he could fully be himself, well that was until he met regulus. of course it had to be Regulus of all people its the shy, closed off, smart, endlessly handsome black heir. 1975 October 20th
I cant do this anymore, I cant do this, I cant, I just cant. is what I've been repeating over and over in my head.
I'm fucking miserable and the worst part is no one knows, they cant.
James potter cant be struggling he just cant.
It really sucks when I remember I'm him.
I am James.
James is me.
and that's that.
I continue looking out the window from the stone windowsill I've climbed onto, my face pressed against the cold dusty glass. its a bit of a squeeze up here now considering it's been five years since I originally found this spot midway through my first semester at Hogwarts.
I remind myself, your not eleven anymore James your 15.
I have to do that sometimes, remind myself basic things. I don't have a memory issue i personally think everyone deals with their own denial of time in their own way,
Time, its a funny thing isn't it.
always moving forwards without hesitating.
giving no one breaks to breathe,
to rest,
to cope.
Time is one of the few reliable things I have in my life. I like to think of it like that, time doesn't discriminate it just takes, from anyone at that, time doesn't have feelings, time doesn't pity anyone it just goes on without a look back.
The stars are beautiful as ever tonight, dancing freely glowing, lighting up the tar like sky.
stars are what brings the sky to life.
I wish I had a star.
I continue to miserably gaze out of the window hoping, preying I find what I'm missing, something to make me feel humane and like myself once more. something to make me feel not like this.
after awhile I hear soft strategized footsteps. footsteps that could only belong to one person.
"James?, where are you James?"
Remus's voice echo's through the empty Gryffindor common room.
I stay silent until he spots me.
" James? what are you doing up there, are you coming to bed soon?"
before turning to look at Remus from the sill i tuck away all my feelings, all my worries and replace it with the usual, expected, acceptable version of me, plastering a not exactly happy but pleasant expression on my face. It only takes a second.
"Yea I'll join soon its getting late quidditch practice is early tomorrow as well."
Remus yawns before walking away to go to sleep.
October 21st
I wake up early that morning per usual on Saturdays, I get out my quidditch robes, take a shower and head out to the pitch to practice by myself before the team shows up.
my morning fly's are what gives me peace, racing around on my broomstick, its almost euphoric.
that day practice goes well, no one falls off there broom, no one misses a shot and we get through all our drills in time for breakfast.
Sirius an I always go to the changerooms together after packing up and today was no different until we were both about to get into the showers. Sirius looks over at me for one second before speaking. its almost like he's scared to speak. he then starts.
"so James....it's Evan Rozier's birthday tonight and the Slytherins are uh having a party.... which my brother may have invited me to and I was wondering if uh... maybe you would like to go with me.?
"No". I reply bluntly
"but whyyyyy" Sirius whines. " I promise it will be funnn"
I look directly at him my expression making it apparent how i feel about the situation.
Sirius you know how i feel about those greasy Slytherin gits.
" But Jamesss, Reggie asked me to gooo, i dont wanna miss itt, its important to himm." he continues to whine and whinge on and on showing no signs of giving up and even throwing puppy eyes and a pout into the mix.
Sirius you know there's no way in hell I'm going to that, regulus is your brother anyways why cant you just go.
" but i want you to come jamiee, your my best friend for godricks sakee"
Sirius, no. i reply sporting a verry nice frown.
he begs repeating "please" over an over like a broken record until please doesn't sound like an actual word anymore.
"Sirius.., Sirius, Sirius! SIRIUS STOP!".. a small smile cracks from the corners of my lips" merlin's beard fine ill go.."
Sirius gives me a thankful and cocky grin clearly pleased he convinced me without our usual violent measures.
"To bad you gave in so easily I have a new spell I wanted to try out" he says still looking pleased with himself
we both shower and change into our chosen outfits for the day, feeling refreshed after the combination of early morning quidditch and nice steamy showers.
making our way to Remus, Pete and the girls at the Gryffindor breakfast table Sirius quickly says " by the way party's at 7 look nice its going to be a bit uh.. formal."
Sirius what the hell do you mean "formal" I spit out the underlying annoyance and displeasure noticeable in my tone.
He doesn't answer me.