She walks away and you are standing there, hearing the glass-breaking sound of your heart shattering in a thousand of tiny shards. She disappears in the little crowd and you absentmindedly reach for your lips, still tingling from that passionate hot kiss she just gave you. The lingering wetness, the subtle warmth and the taste, a mixture of strong alcohol and bittersweet desire, are making your head spin and swirl and spin again. You had your fair share of kisses in your life but you know, deep down, that this one eclipses them all.
You did the right thing and you know it but that doesn’t mean you don’t ache for that amazing, strong woman whose hopes and feelings just got teared down.
She deserves the world. She deserves that whole, fully, happy life you told her she should have. You know she will have it eventually. Still, you don’t really understand why this feels like a break-up. You don’t understand the bittersweet pain that slowly settle down in your stomach and that aching you have for a touch you never even knew you wanted in the first place.
The sound of her voice crackling, pain and the rejection lurking in the shadows of her green eyes, is still echoing in your head.
A few days later, she is giving you the cold shoulder and you pretend not to understand why. You met her sister, who is sweet and adorable and you make a face when she looks at you right into the eyes. It’s like she can see through your soul and it’s very unpleasant. You can almost feel her dig in your mind, searching for the lies she somehow knows are there.
You borrow Alex and you ask if she is still your friend, unable to mask the hope in your voice. She smiles and she says yes, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. She looks almost annoyed at you and you can’t blame her.
You bury yourself in your work, like you always do. The only thing is, she shows up sometimes. She is all business, badass and focused and then suddenly, she blows you off. She tells you that you and her, you are not friend. She tells you everything you already know and somehow, you are proud of her. Oh, it hurts. It hurts like nothing else ever hurt you before but you are so proud of her for standing up for herself.
But then again, she walks away and you are left standing there, heart broken. You realize you are losing her. If you were completely honest, you would acknowledge the fact that you already lost her but you are holding on to false hopes. It’s easier that way.
She helps you track down the Guardian and then you let him go. You hope that it will help your cause with her but it doesn’t. She smiles, says thank you and just like that she is gone. She is gone and the emptiness you feel is so ever painful. It’s like you can’t fully breathe anymore, there is a weight on your chest that mirror the one in your heart, in your mind.
You find her at her sister’s apartment and you try. You try, because you know you can’t stand to lose her for good. You would prefer half a relationship, a false sense of friendship, rather than nothing at all.
You have no idea how to go on with your life without seeing her from time to time, without having her smile or mock your lack of pool skills, you can’t just imagine a world where you wouldn’t be able to say “See you around, Danvers”. You don’t see a future without her shining green eyes, her strong alcohol resistance, the focus on her steps when she is onto something or the rush of adrenaline coursing through your veins when her name is showing on your phone. You just can’t, so you try to make amend. You ask for two minutes of her time and you try something called honesty. You tell her that you can’t imagine your life without her.
You can see the pain and the anger in her eyes and you realize how foolish this is. You are asking for something that sounds a hell lot like a relationship, a romantic one, and yet you still hide behind the word friend. You can tell she isn’t duped, she knows. You feel awful and yet you hope. You still hope she will agree.
She does. She does and then she walks away, again. This time, you don’t feel so heartbroken but you don’t feel relieved either. You don’t know.
Days goes by, months passes and then it’s been a year since she kissed you that night by the pool table. She is still around, sometimes. It’s not the same, it has never been the same since then but you are grateful for the fact she isn’t gone.
Except that somehow, she is.
She has a girlfriend. A gorgeous lady you’ve never seen before but who seems really comfortable in the middle of Alex’s friends circle. She is laughing so freely, her hand on Kara’s shoulder as Alex is kissing a spot on her jaw. She is part of their world, more than you ever will be.
You are happy for them, you truly are. So what if you feel like you missed your life, what if you feel like you shouldn’t be so devastated and miserable, you totally deserved it. Alex is more happy than ever and she has every right to be. After all, that’s what you asked for her, a whole, fully, happy life.
Finally, you are introduced to that stunning woman.
“Oh hey Maggie, meet my girlfriend, Lucy Lane.”
You fake a smile and shake her hand before excusing yourself, pretending to have some work to do.
And this time, you are the one to walk away with tears in your eyes. If you thought your heart was already broken, you suddenly realize how wrong you were. It hurts like hell and you can only blame yourself for that.
You disappear into the little crowd, your heart weeping for that relationship that is now an ex-something, an ex-maybe, an ex-almost.