Mixed Messages

Tobin’s POV

She woke up feeling sweaty and a little suffocated.  Her face was buried into Christen’s side explaining why she was having a hard time breathing.  Christen didn’t stir as  she slowly pulled away and sat up and looked  down at her noticing the length of her dark eyelash as they rested against her cheeks.  Her hair was in a messy ponytail revealing small red blotches on one side from the ball that had hit her.  Tobin reached out to touch them, feeling horrible that it had marked her perfect body like that.  The skin was so soft to touch, feeling like velvet underneath her dancing fingertips.  She must really be out if she’s not feeling this.

She carefully lifted herself off the bed as to not wake the sleeping beauty beside her.  The door was already ajar so she only had slip out sideways.  It had to be early since the sun wasn’t even up yet but she didn’t check her clock or her phone.  Shoot where is my phone?  Feeling the different areas of her clothes found it wedged in her front pocket of her sweatshirt.  

Three messages, all from Shirley.

Shirley: Can we grab coffee after the game tomorrow?

Shirley:  There’s just something else I need to ask you.

Shirley: Tobin?

She deleted all three messages.  There was nothing else she needed to talk about; her mind was only focused on one person right now and she was way over her head with that. It was still before 6 a.m. so going back to bed was the first thing on her agenda but as much as she wanted to crawl back in bed with Christen it was best not to wake her because sleeping wouldn’t all she’d be interested in if she did.  The way she welcomed her without any questions into her bed like that was a sensation she hadn’t felt before.  Typically when in bed with someone there was a different agenda or underlying reason but with Christen, there was only an emotional need and that alone was enough for her.  

Tobin stared at the ceiling of her bedroom, watching the ceiling fan spin around and around on the lowest level, putting her in a daze.  It reminded her of when Christen asked to follow her up there and they laid together in this same position.  The way she ran her fingers across her cool skin had left her in awe, reigniting the spark she had first felt for her.  Ideas ran through her head.

I’m going to ask her to dinner tonight after the game.  But I don’t want to just blurt it all out over appetizers.  I can start by telling her that everything with Shirley is completely over and then I’ll tell her how I’ve felt since day one in the cafe. The cafe, that’s it!  Before falling back asleep, she had formulated a plan to take Christen to dinner and then surprise her with a follow-up date at the cafe.  They closed at 7:00, or at least that’s what the website said while she scrolled through on her phone.  I’ll call them and ask if I can set up a small table just for us in the corner and we can have re-do date.  I’ll tell her exactly how I feel and what I want there, it’ll be a little more meaningful.

She was so excited it took her a little while to fall asleep, but somewhere floating the back of her mind were those texts that Shirley had sent.  She’s still going to be here today.

….

From the field during warmups she could see Shirley sitting with Allie.  Why Allie, just move. Don’t let her think she has a chance.  No, is that Christen walking up the steps?  Her stomach dropped, thinking of the two sitting together without her in between.  Earlier, Christen seemed a little distant when she talked to her even though she had told them all exactly what happened.  It took a lot of willpower to reirect her energy and focus to the field and forget what was out of her control.

An outfit for dinner, all her bathroom products to shower and get ready at the fieldhouse were packed neatly in her large leather bag.  Her plan was to take her time and get ready there, then head over to the café tos et up before meeting Christen at 5:30.  A discreet call that morning lead to the owner agreeing to keep the café open to just the two of them 30 minutes after regular business hours while his employees completed their closing.  She arranged to have two coffees, a piece of cake to share waiting for them.  On the way to the restaurant to meet Christen, she’d grab a small vase and whatever flowers she could find to put in the middle of the table.

But now she was unsure that the plan would be foolproof seeing the two mingling together.  What had attracted her to Shirley in the beginning was her caring nature and similar personality to Tobin’s.  But since the Spring, she wasn’t sure that manipulation was beneath her and the last thing she wanted was for Christen to a victim of it.  It wasn’t fair that she had already been

Her team rolled to victory, 2-1, securing their berth in the ACC semis.  For once they weren’t hosting the tournament so that meant Thanksgiving weekend in Charleston where she had extended family.  All in all, it’d work out for her to have a nice holiday.  Maybe I can convince Christen to come with me since I’m sure she won’t be going the whole way to California.  Tobin thought about what it would be like to take her to meet her family, knowing what a huge step that would be for both of them.  Time away from their roommates was something they deserved, getting to know each other the way she craved.  

She tried to discreetly look up in the stands to see where both girls had gone but only Shirley remained. It made her feel a little better that they were finally separated, but as she walked off the the field, she heard her name being called.

“Tobin!”

Shirley was walking quickly along the side of the track closest to the fieldhouse.  Tobin contemplated ignoring her but she knew it was wrong.  Why she insisting on sticking around despite the very clear message she had sent her the previous night about the status of their nonexistent relationship was beyond her.  

“Hey,” she returned, turning around to face her.

“Did you get my texts?  I have to leave soon but I want to get a cup of coffee or something together.”  Shirley’s face was full of concern, a little desperate if she was reading it correctly.

Her body stiffened as she tried to let her body language do the talking. “I don’t think I have time, I’m sorry.”  Shirley looked at her confused.  “Are you going somewhere?”

“Yes, I have plans and need to run some errands before that,” she told her matter of factly.  

“Okay, well I’ll just tag along on your errands.” Tobin looked at her astounded, the girl was relentless.  

“Shirley, no. I’m sorry.  I really hope you have a safe trip and good luck this week but I need to be somewhere else.” Tobin flashed a small smile as a consolation.  It wasn’t her intention to be cruel or rude, but she had to get the hint that it just wasn’t going to happen.

She turned her back and took off without looking back or saying anything else, hurrying behind the closed doors of the fieldhouse for protection.  Taking her sweet time to get ready, she allowed others to go to the showers first while she undid the cleats on her aching feet.  Kelley came out with a towel wrapped around both her hair and body and sat beside her.  “Taking your time to avoid Shirley?”  

Tobin laughed, “something like that.”  Kelley agreed, “she won’t go without a fight will she?”  

“No, doesn’t look like it.”  Tobin started to collect all of the things she needed to get a shower.  “I asked Christen to meet me for dinner in a little bit."

“Oh really?” Kelley teased.  “So I’m guessing that if I invited myself I’d be welcomed because you know, you two are just roomies and all.”  She shot her a look, knowing full well Kelley was trying to get a rise out of her.  “What? No one has told me anything different so it’s safe to assume you’re just a pair of new best buds.”

Tobin started to walk away shaking her head, unwilling to give her any satisfaction.  Telling Kelley her plan was not something she was prepared to do because upsetting Christen wasn’t something she wanted to do.  Not that Christen might be upset, but it was best to let her be the one to tell Kelley first about what was going on between them. She was fully aware that this might be the first type of relationship Christen had with a girl and pushing her wasn’t something she wanted to do. She stepped into the already warm air of her shower and turned the water to the hottest setting.  She thoroughly washed her hair and body, using her razor to clean up the little stubble spots on her legs.  Although she was pretty certain Christen wouldn’t be ready to take that step in their relationship, it didn’t hurt to be prepared.  By the time she finished and emerged from the steam, the locker room was just about empty.  A Sunday game meant families were in town or people were savoring the last few moments of their weekend so some didn’t even bother to shower before leaving..  She got dressed in peace, black jeans with holes in the knees and a white long sleeve shirt with a simple black sweater over top.  Although it was cold, she put on flip flops to give her tired feet a break.  When she was drying her hair long and straight to avoid getting hypothermia in the cool air, she contemplated trying to put some wave into it.  Christen said she liked it like that way.  It warmed her instantly to think that Christen found her attractive, knowing the attraction she felt to her.  Every time Christen entered a room the first thing she noticed was the way her cheeks radiated a certain glow that spread down her jaw.  And her smile, it was enough to force one of your own not matter how you were feeling.  But the eyes, Tobin could spend all day just looking at them and watching the color change.   Her phone said 4:10 so she had about 10-15 minutes to finish up before she needed to get a move on and head to the flower shop and then the cafe before circling back to the restaurant.  It was definitely doable in an hour if she hurried.  

When she had re-packed her bag neatly, she walked to the parking lot to find her car.  What she wasn’t expecting was to find Shirley leaning against it.  Here we go again, how did she even know that I drove?

“Shirley, I can’t do this.  I really need to go and you cannot come with me.”  

The girl looked up at her with amusement and hands up in defense.  “15 minutes, that’s all.  I swear because I need to go, too. I’m late already so it’ll be so quick.”  

“No,”  Tobin stood her ground.  She wasn’t going to give in because if she did now that would only encourage the behavior.  “Please move.  I’m asking you not to make a scene here.  If there’s anything else you need to say to me, you can send it in an e-mail.”  

Shirley still didn’t move from the door and apparently wasn’t taking her message seriously, but in all fairness Tobin wasn’t the most intimidating person.  “Tobin.  I know you told me about Christen last night but I think you’re way over your head.  What do you have in common with her?  Wouldn’t you rather work on a relationship that you already know has the foundation and works rather  than start a new one with someone you barely know?”  I know Christen well enough, kind of.  It was true that they hadn’t spent a significant amount of time together but once soccer season ended she would free up a little more.  No, stop it. Don’t let her get to you.  “This isn’t your place to question what I want.  Please, I’m asking you to move so I can just go.”  

No movement.  This wasn’t the Shirley she was instantly attracted to when they met.  Unlike the harsh, intrusive person that stood before her, she had been charming, compassionate and attentive.  Tobin never felt anything but relaxed in her presence but now, she didn’t want to be anywhere near her.  The truth was it had only a little to do everything that had happened in the past few month and was now more about the way she was talking about Christen.

“This isn’t helping anything.  I told you last night that my feelings for you no longer exist.  I’m sorry if that’s hard to hear but it’s the truth so I’m going to ask one last time for you to move so I can go.”  

Ten minutes later, she was on her way.  Shirley eventually relented but not without telling her she would see her in December. We’ll see about that.  There’s no way I’m going let her come anywhere near Christen and me. 4:45.  Shit, I’m going to be late.  Traffic out of campus was heavy from the men’s basketball game letting out so she moved slowly, stopping and going every few feet. Her fingers drummed on the steering wheel as she tried to will traffic to move quicker.  When she made it off campus,  she found a parking spot around the corner from the flower shop and made a mad dash inside to grab a long, skinny vase and a few spare calla lillies to put inside.  The woman who helped her was older and very kind but also moved as slow as molasses. She tried to keep her patience and smile as she punched in the items to the register and packaged the vase.  

5:24.  I have six minutes to get to the cafe then back to the restaurant.  

5:30.  She parked her car, lucky enough to find a spot right outside but in front of a fire hydrant.  Putting on her four ways, she would take the gamble of getting a ticket.

5:39.  Damn it, I was only gone for a few minutes.  A meter cop was in the process of writing her a ticket.  She tried talking him out of it completely but he compromised for a $50 dollar fine for double parking fine instead.  

5:43.  She circled around the corner and down the street towards the restaurant.  Being late wasn’t the way she wanted to start the evening but she would just have to apologize and hope Christen wasn’t mad.  She circled the block of the restaurant a few times before finding a tight spot to parallel in.  Whipping the car around, it took her a few tries before she made it.  I would have been better off just walking.

5:51.  Tobin walked down the sidewalk towards the door of the restaurant.  Before she went in, she took a second to close her eyes and settle her nerves before going in.  IT would have been easy to tell Christen she was going to be late or call her when she walked in but she didn’t’ want to have to explain or lie about the reason she was.  Lying wasn’t typically a strong suit of hers and others usually saw right through her.

She greeted the pretty young hostess and asked if there was a girl about her age with dark hair waiting for someone.  How she wanted to describe Christen was different than the detail she gave but it might have been a little over the top for someone she didn’t know.  The girl directed her towards the description of Christen she gave her.  There she is.  Instantly, she both felt so much better seeing her and also a little guilty that she was sitting alone and waiting for her.  She looks so pretty tonight. She could see Christen’s wavy hair falling around her shoulders, blending in with the black sweater she had on.  Unable to see what pants she was wearing, Tobin visualized a pair of tight jeans that hugged her in all the right places.  Underneath those she imagined something black, simple but sexy. After dinner Tobin, calm yourself.  She dropped into a seat across from her, grabbing at the menu to distract her from her indecent thoughts.  “Sorry,” was all she could get out.   Ok, get it together.  Just start right away and get it over with so you can relax and enjoy dinner.

“So we should talk,” she told her.  Christen was already looking at her when she finally faced up towards her.  Her mouth was so dry from running around so she took a sip of the pre-poured water before following it up with, “about what happened this weekend.”

The next few words out of Christen’s mouth shocked her.  Before she could even process what she had said, she saw a blur that was Christen rushing past her towards the door leading outside.  Tobin sat there dumbfounded before coming to her senses.  She told the hostess as she whizzed by her to give them a minute and hold the table.

“What are you doing?” she called.  In front of her Christen kept walking a pace she was too tired to keep up with, her flats hitting the pavement rapidly.  

“CHRISTEN. WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING.”  She was yelling after her now, trying to startle her into stopping.  Her blood pressure was rising watching the the scene unfold, totally unexpected.  This wasn’t supposed to be happening; it was supposed to be the opposite.  By now she expected to be holding her hand, reassuring her that the past few days had only made her more aware that the past was just that and what the future meant for her.

“Why would you do that? How could you say that to me?” Somewhere from deep inside of her the floodgates opened and she just let every thought all out.  “You know, I was still feeling pretty low about my last relationship when school started and wanted nothing to do with anyone in that way again.  And boom, you waltz right in, completely unexpected.  After I ran into you at the cafe all I could see were those green eyes and I was hooked.  I asked you to dinner, spelling it out for you - it’s. a. date.  I even followed it up with coffee the next morning!  I don’t make the first moves, Christen, I never have but something about you just made me want to try. So imagine my surprise when I hear the same day that you’re making out with guys in public and have to see him hanging all over you everywhere we go. Do you have any idea how much that hurt me?  It felt like history repeating itself, ‘lets push Tobin aside’ when there something else out there.  But then I saw you again and again and decided it was worth the pain to be around you even as a friend. It took me some time but I did it.”

She watched Christen stare at her feet without looking up at her.  Is she even listening to any of this?  Does she care?

“And then things were good again and I thought for sure you felt the same way I did”  The frustration in her voice continued to rise. “ Oh and that kiss in South Carolina?  It’s all I think about. I’ve wanted to do it again and again ever since that day.  Was this all not clear to you or am I just one big experiment for you?”  

It was a mistake she was aware of as soon as it left her mouth.  She shouldn’t have said that to her but at this point all she wanted was Christen to acknowledge the weight of the words she was saying.

“No.”  Is she kidding? I lay it all out for her and that’s what she has to say?  She doesn’t want this, I can’t believe it.  How could I have been this stupid?

“NO?” Tobin fired back.  “All you have to say is NO?”  

Christen continued to stand there, Tobin increasingly aware of all the people gawking at them on the sidewalk.  It was too much for her to handle and she had to get out of there before Christen could further shut her down.  The walls started to close in on her as her chest started to rise and fall at quicker pace.  

“I’m done.  I can’t do this,”  She took a step backward.   “I can’t go through this again.”  Her heart was breaking in two as she put her head down and walked away towards her car.  Once safely inside she burst into tears and laid her head against the steering wheel for support.  How was this happening?  This was unlike Shirley who she hadn’t fought for and look at what did to her.  Now with Christen who already meant so much more, she was screwing it up even worse.   

She sat in her car for a few minutes before remembering the setup at the cafe.  I have to go back there and get the stuff.  How humiliating.  It was dark now and as upset as she was with both herself and Christen, walking home alone wasn’t something she should do.  Slowly manuvering out of her space, she followed the route she thought Christen would take back to house, keeping an eye out for her on the sidewalks.  With each passing block her heart rate picked up, thinking she would see her any second.

But it didn’t happen.  Christen wasn’t on her way home or had run so quickly just to get away from her.  As she inched towards the house, she could see it was lit up so her roommates were likely home, relaxing after the game.  A quick u-turn took her back to the cafe where she gathered the audacity to march in without speaking to anyone and grabbed the vase off of the corner table.  It was still regular business hours so no one had really noticed her as she weaved in and out of people in line.  

She turned off her headlights when she pulled in the driveway, hoping that she wouldn’t be spotted and could go upstairs right away without being seen.  The last thing she needed right now was to get the third degree or worse, see Christen.  The door was already unlocked to her side of the house and she leapt up the steps two at a time, shutting and locking the door as quickly as possible.  Lifting her back that was rested against the heavy door, her bed was the only stop she made in the room, throwing the covers over her body as she silently sobbed face down into the pillows.  The tears were unstoppable as the vision in her head of how it all was supposed to go replayed in her head.  Where had she gone wrong?  Did she overestimate the relationship?  Was this just like Shirley and was Christen saw her as simply an attraction and something to pass the time?   Maybe that was it; they didn’t see her as serious relationship material.  I didn’t speak up when Shirley wanted to end it.  I’m trying so hard with Christen and she still doesn’t seem to want this.  Nothing works, it must just be me.   Now she felt herself in a tough spot, realizing that Christen wouldn’t just leave like Shirley.  They occupied the same living space and despite being on the other side, they would have to see each other.

She evened her breathing out, trying to regain her composure just in time for a knock to come at the door.  She ignored the first two until  she heard Julie called her name.  “Tobin I can see your light on.  Can I come in for a second, please?”

“No.”  She yelled into her pillow, muffling her voice.

“Please?  It’ll just take a minute! I have to ask you something.”  

“I said no.”  What is it with people not listening to me when I say no?

Julie started to jiggle the doorknob.  “Something is wrong with Christen.  Did something happen at dinner?  Kelley said you went out together.”

She froze and her eyes were dried instantly.  “Give me a minute.”  What happened to Christen?

Is she hurt?  Tobin pulled her hair up into bun after wiping her cheeks dry in the mirror, all the horrible things that could have happened running through her mind.  She put her head down and stepped into the hallway where Julie stood against the wall.  “What happened, Tobin?”

“Where is she,” she asked, ignoring the question.  “She’s in the bathtub.”  It wasn’t exactly the place she had imagined but she lead the way anyway.  At the top of the second floor steps, Ali sat outside the closed door, Christen’s sobs audible through on the other side.  The sound ripped through her heart; it was easily the worst sound she had ever heard and possibly in the world.  She let her own body slide down the wall, sitting with her knees to her pulled into her chest, her head resting to the side on top of them.  Julie and Ali exchanged a look before gently asking, “Tobin what’s going on?”  

She wasn’t prepared to even begin to try to answer that question because truthfully, she didn’t know.  Luckily, she was saved from answering the question when she heard her own name come from Christen’s mouth.  “I want Tobin.”

Her head shot up off of her knees and in the direction of the door.  I have to go in there.  She wants me.  It was going to be incredibly hard to face the girl who she just poured her heart out to only to be rejected in a crowd of strangers, but hearing those words gave her a small piece of hope.  She took a few deep breaths in and out before standing on her wobbly legs, her eyes closed as she regained her strength.   Do not break down.  Go in and see what she needs and hold it together.  She built up the nerve to take a few steps forward and slowly open the door.  

There she was, small and frail looking on the bathroom floor with a towel barely covering her beautiful tanned skin.  Makeup stained her cheeks and her hair was wildly wet, plastered to Kelley’s shirt which was now stained with water.  It was a sight no one should have ever had to see and one that would be painted in her memory forever.  She gestured with her head for Kelley to move, that she wanted to be the one to hold Christen.  When she pulled her body against her own she couldn’t believe how cold it was.  Christen nuzzled her way under her chin and they sat for a while, leaning against each other.  She was hoping that Christen couldn’t feel the tears streaming onto the top of her head but since her hair was wet, the possibility was slim.  I did this to her.  I yelled at her and I laid all of my feelings out, pushing her to declare her own.  WHY did I do this?  From beneath her, she couldn’t hear anything but the steady thumping of Christen’s heart against her chest told her she was okay.  The icy feeling of her skin and the draft entering from under the older bathroom door was increasingly uncomfortable.   She has to put clothes on but I don’t want to let her go. Christen’s room was across the hall and despite how tired she was,  Tobin let her know she was going to pick her up.

It took a lot of effort but she managed to get them both up, Christen’s arms wrapped around her neck.  She shuffled into the bedroom, placing her gently onto the bed and tucking the towel secure because even in her vulnerable state, she was beautiful to look at and Tobin couldn’t trust her own eyes.

In the now illuminated room, the off white dresser she found a thick pair grey pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt she’d seen Christen lounge in before to go along with it.  It was too much to manage at the time so she decided to forego underwear or a bra and she knelt down to cover Christen. Carefully, with a little help from her, she rolled the sweatpants up the toned girl’s legs, entrapping them with warmth.  When she sat up straighter to tuck them underneath her,  their eyes locked as she moved up towards her torso, making her think this wasn’t the girl she had come to know and adore.  She looked empty inside, detatched and it was completely heartbreaking to Tobin. The usual green pool of heaven she was lucky enough to look into was now gray like a cloudy day and stormy skies.  She finished by pulling the t-shirt over over her body without breaking eye contact, trying to reach her without words.  She needs to lay down and sleep, she looks worn out and so empty.   Tobin got to her own feet and watched Christen turn on her side, facing away from her. The visual of her eyes leaving her own broke her into a million pieces.  Letting Christen slip away wasn’t something she was prepared to do so after turning off the lights she crawled in the bed behind her, pulling her now warmer body against her own.

The way Christen fit into the curve of her body was perfect.  It didn’t matter her wet hair was sticking against her own shirt and chest because the rest of her body was overheating and if taking that little bit of cold away from Christen helped, it was worth it.  Tobin picked up the girls delicate hand and laced their fingers together.  She could feel Christen’s fingertips curl under own, letting her know that the gesture was ok.  Now this is how I imagined tonight would end up, just very different circumstances led us here.  They laid in the darkness together but it wasn’t long before the steady breathing of Christen picked up signaling that she was finally asleep.  

Sleep wasn’t going to come easy to Tobin, who had a million thoughts and emotions running through her body.  It had never felt so right to be next to someone; holding their hand and caring for them.  At the time time, she knew Christen wasn’t the person she usually was and this was likely a moment of desperation; it wouldn’t last.  Now she was left with two choices, neither being the easy one.  She could stay here with Christen until morning when she woke and try to fix the situation in a calm manner with an apology and rational re-do of her speech.  Or, she could go and let Christen come to her when she was ready.  

If she stayed, she feared there would be nothing different come dawn and Christen would reject her all over again, telling her that Shirley was the right choice and she wasn’t.  If she went, could she trust her instincts that although she’d caused her pain by yelling at her she would try to talk about what happened?

It was so confusing.  Christen had told her right out that she should work it out with Shirley but the look in her eyes reflected that she was visibly upset.  Then she ran out but didn’t even put up a fight when Tobin said she was done. All she needed to know was whether Christen wanted her even a fraction as badly as she was wanted.  

Hours of going back and forth in her head tortured her.  I was wrong, she concluded.  I handled this so, so wrong.  I should have followed her and never walked away.  She has to feel something for me and as much as it might hurt to hear or know it might not be as much as I like her, I can’t let her go.  I’m staying.  I’m going to apologize and ask for a re-do.  There has to be a reason she said that about Shirley and I’m going to find out.   If she’s scared about this, that’s ok.  I won’t push her, I’ll do anything she wants.  

She got a few hours of sleep before her eyes popped up, trying to orient themselves to the unfamiliar surroundings.  Christen was still asleep in the same position, tucked safely underneath her arms.  Tobin peeked up and over her shoulders to see her feathery eyelashes tightly closed.  She played with her hair with her free hand, but still no movement.  Stealthily moving away from their warm embrace, Tobin checked the time: 8:12.  They had their Monday class in about an hour and although she wanted to skip it, she knew Christen was a stickler for both attendance and punctuality.   I’ll go get changed and then come back to wake her.  

She tiptoed out of the room, running into Kelley before heading through the common room.  “What’s going on?  Is she okay?”  she whispered.  

Tobin shrugged her shoulders.  “She’s still asleep.  I’ll go check on her in a few minutes and get her up for class.  What do you think she wants for breakfast?  Coffee?  Eggs?  A smoothie?”  The look in Kelley’s eyes was one of pity.  “Tobin,” she said softly.  “I know you’re coming from a good place but after whatever that was last night, I don’t think getting up and going to class like normal is the answer.”  

Maybe she was right, but Tobin didn’t want to let an opportunity to be there for her slip away.  “What should I do then?”  Never had she asked anyone for this type of advice and in the moment she felt so raw and a little helpless.

Kelley thought about it and then told her, “Let her sleep.  Why don’t you go to class, take notes for her because I know she be upset to miss class but she needs it.  I’m here in the afternoon before practice so I’ll make sure she gets something to eat.”

Tobin let the idea of leaving her for the day register.  It wasn’t what she really wanted to do, but Kelley knew her best and if she thought that letting her sleep was the right choice, she would trust that.

“Are you going to tell me what happened,”  Kelley questioned.

Sighing, Tobin shook her head.  “I don’t even know where to start.  I’m still trying to figure it out myself.”  It was a coy answer to Kelley, but she didn’t push any further.  Tobin retreated upstairs to her own room, foregoing a shower to change and get her stuff ready for the long Monday ahead.  Class, workout, class, lunch, practice.  She’d give Christen the day to have some space but if she wanted her again, she’d drop whatever it was and come running.  Tomorrow, she thought, I’m going to talk to her again.

…….

Tuesday.  Tobin wracked her brain while laying bed, trying to think about what type of schedule Christen had for the day.  She wanted to text her but figured it probably wasn’t the first thing she should say after seeing her lat.  All day on Monday she anxiously awaited a call, a text or knock on her door.  Every time her phone vibrated she lunged for it, expecting it to be Christen.   Nothing came, so today would have to be the day instead.  Does she have an early class?  Yes.  I think she’s usually up and gone by the time I’m awake.  Her own classes didn’t start until 10:00, so she got a quick shower and ready for the day by 7:30.  I think she has an 8 am.  Shoot, where at.  Well since she’s a psych major most of her classes are all in the same buildings so I’ll just hang around there.

Tobin grabbed a coffee for them both on the way, silently cursing Christen for having such an early start to her day. She got to Howell shortly before 8:00, hoping to see her but in the sea of early risers, she couldn’t spot her.  Instead, she saw Ali walking with her head down towards her.  “Hey, Ali.”

“Tobin?”  Her face twisted in confusion.  “What are you doing out this early?  You don’t have class, do you?”  

Shuffling her feet Tobin held up the coffees, hesitant to admit  “No.  I actually was hoping to catch Christen.”   

“Oh,” Ali’s face brightened.  “You just missed her. I was a little worried about her but she looks great and says she’s okay.  I’m assuming everything is good between you two again?”  

She’s okay.  It was a small relief to Tobin, who was worried the ghost of the girl she knew would linger and she’d never quite get back the one she wanted.  But it also meant that she had decided not to come to her yesterday or this morning.  ALmost forgetting Ali had asked her a question, she snapped back.  “Uh, I don’t know.  But hey, thanks, I’ll see you at practice.”  Tobin spun around and headed back in the direction she came from.  Christen was okay, she isn’t upset.  Maybe I can talk to her now.

It would have to wait for Wednesday since Tuesday was jammed pack and she knew the conversation wasn’t something that could be timed.   Out of pure exhaustion from the past two days, the sounds of her alarm barely registered to her brain.  After hitting snooze three times, she sprung out of bed.  Shoot, I’m going to be late and then I won’t be able to find a seat next to her.  Tobin used the dry shampoo in her bathroom and washed her face thoroughly.  She quickly applied a little blush and lip gloss to brighten her complexion and mascara to bring out her eyes.  Wishing she had more time to make herself attractive for Christen, she grabbed a pair of jeans and flannel shirt with a tan vest to go over top.  This will have to do for now, she thought looking in the mirror.

Tobin raced into the lecture hall as the professor stated a quick good morning to his audience.  Her eyes scanned the usual section she and Christen sat in, but only saw the guys.  Not today, she thought.  Maybe she didn’t come again.  There were a few people behind her so she moved out of the aisle and down the back row about three seats in.  If she found her, she’d go where she was without hesitation.  The lights dimmed, making it harder for her to see when out of the corner of her eye sudden movement caught her eye.  There she was; Christen quickly sat in the first seat of the row.  Her hair cascaded down her back, pin straight and glossy.  Her side profile revealed natural makeup as her eyes were pointed to the bag she had dropped in front of her,  both hands reaching inside.  

The sight of a slightly discombobulated Christen made her smile.  She was used to the oh-so-prepared student who was attentive and intelligent, always engaged.  Tobin took the opportunity to help her out and possibly break the ice.  She stretched out to rap her pen on the desk.

“Thanks!” Christen  whispered as she turned towards Tobin.   

“Oh for the love of God” she said loudly, throwing a hand to her chest in surprise. It immediately sent a knife through Tobin’s heart, witnessing the negative effect her presence had on her.   Christen turned back forward and didn’t look over again.  Every nerve in Tobin’s body was trembling for the next hour, unable to concentrate, wounded from the reaction she had received.   When  the class was just about over, she saw Christen start to put everything back in her bag without a glance in her direction.  I cannot let her go without talking to her.  “Christen, wait.”  Her hand lingered on the smooth skin, igniting a sense of urgency and want inside her.  Christen didn’t look, but she waited in her seat for Tobin to follow up on her request.

“Are you okay? I’m so sorry.”  They were tough words to get out, but she did it, needing to know that Christen would at least forgive her for any of the pain she caused that night.  Waiting for a response was like sitting on pins and needles.  

“Why?”

She wants to know why I’m sorry? Or why I’m asking her if she’s okay? She was prepared to tell her she was sorry for walking away from her and telling her she was done when it wasn’t even close to the truth.  But starting smaller and slower was better.    “The way I yelled at you like that, standing in the middle of a sidewalk for anybody to hear….I’m just really sorry.”

“It’s okay.  Tobin, I have to run but um, good luck this weekend.”  The response came so easily, so carefree.  Tobin had warned herself about this but here she was again, being rejected for a second time.  Christen didn’t want to talk to her; she wanted to do anything but that.  She watched her get up and walk out of the the auditorium, much like she had done in the restaurant a few days prior.  This time, Tobin didn’t go after her.