Mixed Messages

It was an extremely restless night of sleep.  By 6 am, she was wide awake and sitting up in bed.  Every time she closed her eyes, Tobin’s face flashed in front of her, tear stained.   Unable to sit idle and longer, she swung herself out of bed and went downstairs to make herself useful.  Ali had told her that they did the tailgate as a team after their morning recovery session  but she was more than welcome to join them and everyone was responsible for either donating money or a side dish to absorb the beer the freshman were obligated to provide.

Wanting to do her part, Christen thought a dessert would be good and she had a new recipe for chocolate peanut-butter pretzel dip.  She started to assemble the ingredients she would need, but realized quickly they didn’t have confectioners sugar or enough chocolate chips.  Guess I need to go to the store.  Since it was early, she didn’t really think anyone important would be at the store so she threw on a hoodie laying on the couch (probably Kelley’s) and flip flops.  She hurried out the door and immediately regretted her decision.  Tobin was stretching on the small front lawn.  

“Hey.”  Christen said, stopped in her tracks.  

Tobin looked white as a ghost.  “Hey.”  

“Up for a run so early on a Saturday before practice?”  Tobin nodded.  Ok, no better today. “I’m headed to the store.  Need anything?” she offered.

Tobin looked up at her and actually gave a pleasant response.  “We’re out of coffee beans if you could grab some.”  

“Absolutely! What kind? You know what I’ll just get a few you might like,” Christen said talking a mile minute.  “I have some really good ones right now with caramel flavors in them, do you like carmel?”  Tobin’s face twisted in amusement, detecting that Christen was trying really hard at the moment.  

“That sounds good, thanks Chris.”  

While they were on even-footing, Christen hated to leave.  They both stayed in their spots for a few lingering seconds before she finally descended down the couple of steps towards her car.  “I’ll bring the beans over when I get back,” she called.  Turning, she saw Tobin was already up the steps to her door with her back to her.

….

She didn’t lie, she really did get a few, or seven, different types of beans for Tobin’s house.  No one was up yet at their house and she assumed Tobin was in the shower based on the running water she heard above while standing in their kitchen.  Christen texted her to tell her she had made her delivery and ten minutes later Tobin emerged with damp hair and an outfit for her morning session.

“Hi!” she said a little enthusiastically.

Tobin took a seat next to her at the counter.  “Did you eat?”  

Christen realized she’d been up for hours and still hadn’t.  “No, not yet.  Do you want me to make something for us?”  

“Yeah, thanks.  I like anything so you pick.”  Slowly, Christen started to feel better now that they were actually exchanging non-confrontational words.   “Waffles? Bacon?”  

Like a child, Tobin’s eyes were wide as she said yes.  She watched Christen move about the kitchen but didn’t offer any small talk.  They sat in silence as they ate but clearly they both were enjoying what she’d prepared.  Tobin cleared their plates without a word and put them in the dishwasher.  When she was finished, she turned around and leaned against the counter.  “Thanks, that was good.”

“You’re welcome, I like having breakfast with you.”  This was her opportunity.

“Um.  I wanted to talk to you about last night.”  She was shocked that Tobin was bringing it up first.

“Me, too. Tob-”  A banging interrupted her.  Tobin looked at her pensively before craning her head beyond her shoulders to see what it was.  Alex was lying on the floor.  

“Are you okay, Alex?” Tobin asked, concern in her voice.

“I tripped!”  Part of Christen felt badly for the poor girl on the floor and the other was annoyed that she was interrupted.  

Alex came into the kitchen and plopped down next to her.  “Do I smell bacon?”  

“Too late, we ate it already,” Tobin informed her.  “Ughhh, you guys, I’m hungry.”  Geez Alex is whiny first thing in the morning.  Christen stood up.  There would be no continuing the conversation with Tobin right now so she didn’t want to stay and have to look at her without saying what she wanted.    “I’m going to go finish my dessert and take a shower.  I’ll see you guys at the tailgate.”  

“See ya!” Alex called.  Tobin stayed quiet.  

…..

Stanford tailgates were awesome.  UNC tailgates….were better.  Christen couldn’t believe the amount of students dressed in baby blue and white in the parking lots of the stadium.  It was hard to keep track of her group since everyone was wearing the same thing.  Kelley let her borrow a shirt since she still hadn’t purchased any UNC apparel, pairing it with the same white shorts she wore to the party last Saturday.  Christen kept an eye out for Tobin, who strolled up about 15 minutes after her already drinking a beer.  She waved her over and was thrilled when she actually came.   

“Hey, I’m surprised you’re still here,” Tobin told her.  

Christen looked at her, clueless.  She was met with an intended look.  “The plans you made last night?”  

“Oh.”  The two were sitting by themselves while others stood above them, talking and drinking.  It felt like they were kinda of in a bubble, so Christen dared to tell her how she felt.  “I don’t want to go, Tobin.”  They held eye contact when Tobin challenged, “so don’t go.”

Her breathing stopped.  Her lungs felt heavy and all the blood rushed to her head.  “Why should I stay?”  She would be damned if she guessed it was because Tobin had the same feelings she did and got it wrong.  She had to hear it directly from her mouth.  

“We’ll have fun.”  Not quite the answer she was hoping for.  Christen searched for any extra meaning behind the reason but couldn’t.  Tobin broke eye contact and took a swig of her beer before looking ahead at their friends.  I guess I was wrong.  They sat people-watching for a little while longer before re-joining others playing cornhole, beer pong and any other game that made drinking a competition.  Tobin asked if Christen wanted to be her partner for a round of beer pong and realizing this was as close to her as she was going to get for now, she jumped at the opportunity.  

They were down and had three cups remaining when Christen spied Danny out of the corner of her eyes, approaching the table.

“GO CHRIS AND TOBS!”  Ugh, is he drunk?  

Both girls ignored him as Christen took her shot.  Plop.  Tobin gave her a fist bump before she focused herself.  Plop.  Kelley grumbled something about luck as rolled both ping pong balls back to the girls.  

“Do you wanna go first?” Tobin asked her.  “No pressure.”  

Christen took the ball from her hand, giving her the green light to seal the deal.  After jokingly asking for silence, she threw a perfectly weighted ball...right in the cup.  Tobin lifted her off the ground, spinning her around just once.  Christen’s arms clung tightly around her neck, while Tobin’s hovered on her lower back in dangerous territory.  They stood in position for a few seconds, Christen beaming down.  Her eyes traveled to Tobin’s mouth and back up.  She seriously thought about kissing her, the first time she’d ever done that.

Their moment was interrupted by a body pressing into Christen’s back.  She slid down into a sandwich between the girl at her eye level and Danny.  Tobin’s eyes looked up over her head and narrowed ever so slightly.  

“My girls just killed it,” Danny yelled.  She felt him clinging to her, hands attached to her waist when Tobin released hers and took a step back. She reached out to stop her but missed.  “Let me steal Christen for the next game, she’s got the magic touch.”  Christen wiggled out of his grip and turned to face him.

“I’m Tobin’s partner, sorry!”  

“She won’t mind, right Tobs?”  Christen whipped around to shoot Tobin a look.  

“I don’t know, she’s good luck.”  She could tell the girl was stuck and would disappoint one of them.  Trying to shut down the situation, Christen suggested that they  be teammates while she watched. She noticed Tobin’s eyes baring into the side of her but eventually she agreed.  

Taking a seat on top of a cooler to watch the game, she overheard part of their conversation.

“You talk to Shirley this week?”  Tobin seemed to still at the mention of the name and now Christen was intrigued.  

“I, uh, not lately.”  Her hands were playing against each other, almost like a nervous habit.

“Man, you two were good together.  I’m pulling for her to find something stateside so you can work it out.”  Work it out.  What happened?

“I don’t know,” Tobin muttered with her head shaking at the pavement.

“Go easy on her, she’s trying.  We talk about you a lot.”  Christen felt a knot in her stomach forming.  Tobin looked over where she was sitting and looked pained.  She didn’t want to hear much more of this, so she got up to refocus her attention on something else.  Quickly, she found a safe space sitting on top of Ali’s lap who was sitting on Ashlyn’s lap.

It wasn’t safe for long when Ali whispered in her ear, “heads up, here he comes.”  Looking to her right and then left, there was nowhere to escape.

“Ready to go in?”  

“Actually, I think she should stay with us for today,” Ali interjected.  “It’s her first game and all. We can meet up with you guys afterwards?”  Bless you, Ali.  Remember to offer to do her laundry for a week or something.

Christen watched his face fall.  “Oh.  I guess it’s just Tobin then.  Can I text you after?”

“Tobin?”

“Yeah she took me up on one of the extra tickets.  She’s gonna sit with us.”  Wait, so I could sit with Tobin?

“I’ll go.  I wouldn’t want to leave Tobin with all those guys!”  Christen felt Ali dig her hand into her back.  “I can catch up with you guys at halftime, maybe we’ll come back to you section,” she compromised as she stood up.  Christen followed Danny, making sure there was a little space between them.  Tobin was texting and looked up right as they approached.  Ignoring Danny, she said, “you ready to go in?”  

“Let’s do it.”  

Tobin surprised her, slinging her arm around Christen’s shoulder while they walked.  She could feel her cool skin against the warmth of her own, making her heart skip the occasional beat.  “It’s cool ya’ll are good friends,” Danny commented.  “It could be just like last year.  When Christen comes over, Tobs, you can sleep in the spare room.  You won’t be the only chick around anymore.”  She had to fight the biggest urge to give him a dirty look.  Why does he talk about me like we’re together or something?

Christen was thankful Tobin didn’t acknowledge what he said and instead kept her arm wrapped around her.  If she had it her way though, she’d have made it very clear to Danny that it wasn’t his room she was interested in sleeping in, but rather Tobin’s.

She missed the weight of Tobin against her immediately as they pulled apart to scan their tickets and enter the stadium.  Unfortunately when they got their section, Tobin and Christen were separated; Danny in between them.  It annoyed her since Tobin was the only reason she ended up sitting her and now she was being blocked by the guy who she thought was about two minutes away from proposing, some reason unknown to her.   

Christen tried to put on a happy face and only direct her comments or questions to Tobin but it just didn’t happen.  EVery word she said, he intercepted.  Every move she made to retreat from his touch, he followed up on. Halftime was slowly approaching and she couldn’t wait to get out of there.  

When Tobin offered to get everyone a water to help with the burning September sun, Christen quickly volunteered to help her.  Tobin looked between her and Danny before telling her she wouldn’t be long and to stay put for now.  Why wouldn’t she want me to come with her?  Christen’s eyes lingered on her backside carefully moving down the row into the aisle.

“She’s so great,” Danny slurred.  Ugh, control yourself.  “She is,” Christen agreed.

“I just feel so bad about how things went down with her and Shirley.  I really want her to come back so they can try again.  They were an awesome couple.”  

This was Christen’s chance to find out some details from Tobin that she wouldn’t have to pry from her.   Up to this point, Tobin hadn’t even mentioned the girl.

“What happened?”

“Well,” Danny started.  “They started dating pretty quickly after Shirley came here from Paris..”

“Paris?” Christen squeaked.  “She’s French?”

“No, she’s from Costa Rica.”  What? She was so lost.

“She plays club soccer in France but was injured all last year.  She took the year to do an abroad program through the university she’s taking classes at there. Anyway, so they started dating quickly and were just so cool together.  When Shirley had to go back in May, she kind of told Tobin she thought it’d be best to break it off.  Tobin wasn’t feelin’ that and wanted to stay together.  They went through a rough few weeks but eventually Tobin told her she understood.   I keep in touch with her and she knows she made a mistake but Tobin has kinda shut her out.  She’ll answer her every once in awhile but nothing heavy, you know?  I think it still stings.”

Wow, poor Tobin.  Christen turned away and focused her sights upwards in the sky.  How could anyone give Tobin up like that?  There were a few more questions she had but didn’t want Danny to spill that they’d been having this conversation.  She thought about different ways she could ease into the subject with Tobin at a later time.  She was so engrossed in her own thoughts she barely notice the girl shuffling back into her seat.  Christen surveyed her face for a moment while she politely handed out the waters to the guys around her, a perfect smile and shining eyes.  Her heart ached, thinking of the rejection she had faced.  

“Here you go Christen.”  Tobin handed down a water that she hadn’t even requested.  Feeling somewhat closer or more connected to her, Christen thanked her with a wink.  She wasn’t sure how but Tobin’s smile definitely grew wider.  

Halftime rolled around and the girls politely excused themselves to go find their teammates.  Danny seemed to be drunker by the minute so she wasn’t sure he was even paying attention when she left.  They were separated again once they were seated but she felt infinitely better knowing they were at least away from him.  Maybe I can talk to her tonight after the game back at the house.  We need to finish the conversation we started and there’s a few things I need to say to her.

It didn’t happen.  The girls had another game tomorrow afternoon and they all turned in early, leaving her alone in the common room by 9:30 p.m.  She pulled out her laptop and decided to do a little Facebook stalking.  Her first weekend she’d added all of her new roommates but didn’t really look closely at them.  Tobin didn’t post much but when she checked out her tagged pictures, it was easy to figure out just who her ex-girlfriend was.  Christen examined them thoroughly, noting the way they easily fit together.  They’re an attractive couple.  She looks really happy.  A noise coming down the steps from her side of the house startled her, causing her to slam her laptop shut.  She saw Kelley in her pajamas, poking her head inside the room.

“Hey Chris, you up still?”

Christen motioned for her to join her on the couch so she wouldn’t have to raise her voice and wake anyone.  Kelley shuffled over, scraping her socks against the floorboards.  “Yeah, I’m up.  I don’t have to be up and running like you guys tomorrow.”

Kelley nodded in understanding.  “Where’s Allie though?  It’s Saturday night, you guys should go out or something.”

“Already out, she’s with her boyfriend.”  She’d texted her about twenty minutes ago with the same idea as Kelley.  “So why don’t you go spend some time with your boyfriend?”  

Christen cocked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes at Kelley.  “He is NOT my boyfriend.”  Laughing, she was told “well it seems like he thinks he is.”   It wasn’t funny to her whether people were joking or not.  

“I’m serious.  I don’t even like him.  He won’t get the hint that  he’s not the one I’m interested in,” she explained with her hands flying up in defeat.

“Not the one?”  Christen hadn’t even realized those words had left her mouth when Kelley called her out on them.  Do I tell her how I feel?  Maybe she’ll have some insight into Tobin. A lump formed in her throat as she tried to gain the courage to form a sentence about how she was feeling.  “Well, I...um, no.. he’s..”  She sounded ridiculous tripping over her own words but Kelley wasn’t helping her out.  “So there IS someone.  Is it someone I know, maybe someone I know well?

Christen replayed the question over in her head silently, trying to determine if Kelley knew exactly who it was but was waiting for her to say it.  She couldn’t tell and decided it wasn’t worth risking the confession if she was wrong.

“Maybe.”  The girls had a staring contests for what felt like forever.  “Tell me,” she demanded.

“No.  I’m not ready to talk about it.  I just know Danny is certainly not anything resembling a boyfriend and I’m not interested at all.”  Christen made sure her tone reflected the finality of the subject.  “Why don’t you go back to bed, you’ll be tired tomorrow,” she suggested.

“You just want to get rid of me so I don’t guess who it is.”  She’s right.

“Kelley how about I warm up some of the leftovers from today and bring it to you upstairs?  Go and I’ll be up in 5.”   She was thrilled to see Kelley was giving in and she’d dodged a bullet for now.  Standing up and going into the kitchen, she continued to talk softly to her friend.  “I’ll be able to come to at least half of the game tomorrow before I have to go to the library to study with my study group…”  Christen kept talking and talking without a response.

What she didn’t know was Kelley had opened her laptop after she got up, seeing the evidence of her earlier cyberstalking.  

……..

The next few weeks blurred together as a routine.  For three consecutive weekends, there were away games that took her roommates out of town for some if not all the days of Thursday-Sunday.  It hardly left any time for her and Tobin to spend any time together, except for roommate dinners  every Monday night and class.  They went up and down, having moments where Christen thought they were on the brink of bringing up their unfinished conversation about what had been bugging Tobin and the next minute they were strangers again.  One Wednesday after class, Tobin stood up and exited the row and hall without so much as a goodbye or waiting her for.  But then that night, she came home to a post-it on her bedroom door with a drawing of a flower and asking her if she wanted to study for their exam after dinner.  It left Christen feeling increasingly confused, both about where she stood in Tobin’s eyes and how she felt about her.  There was no denying she was attracted to her still and want to spend more time with her but the lack of alone time didn’t add to it.  One accomplishment though was that she had managed to let Danny down in the nicest possible way.  She held her ground and turned him down twice for dates and on the third attempt politely told him she was only looking to be friends.  He finally relented and they actually had a nice little friendship now.  When they bumped into each other or talked in class, he was all gentleman and she finally understood why all the girls really took to him.  

The upcoming week had both a mid-week and weekend home game on the schedule so it meant everyone would be together for the first time since mid-September.  Since then, the weather had cooled and trees were starting to lose their leaves, changing to deep reds and oranges.  

“Knock knock, can I come in?”  Tobin stood in her opened doorway as she was concentrating on her laptop screen that held her paper on multiple psychological risk factors in children.

“Of course,” Christen told her as she shut it slightly and twisted her torso to face her.  “What’s up?’

“Do you want to grab  an early dinner with me before I have to go to the field?”  Christen glanced back at her phone which read 3:30.  She was done classes for the day but had only eaten an hour ago.  “Sure,” she barely hesitated to say.  It didn’t matter if she had eaten three minutes ago, she was desperate to spend some alone time with Tobin and wasn’t sure if this opportunity would pop up again any time soon.  Her shoes were underneath her desk so she shoveled her heels in walked in the direction of the door before Tobin changed her mind.

“Do you want your phone?”  

“Oh! Thanks for reminding me!”  Christen spun around to grab it, silently cursing herself for looking so eager.  “I need my wallet, too.  Hold on.”

Tobin stopped her, “No don’t worry about it.  I got it.”  She looked at her in confusion.  “You have my wallet?  Did I leave it downstairs?”

“Uh, no I mean I’ll pay.”  Oh, duh, Christen.  “Oh thanks, that’s really nice of you.”

She followed Tobin down the stairs, eyes fixated on her backside, watching it sway unintentionally back and forth.  “In the mood for anything in particular?”   Yeah, you. “No, whatever you want is fine with me.”  They settled on the cafe that had sparked their infamous meeting, mostly since Tobin raved about their salads since they’d left the house.  When they came to the door, Tobin dramatically opened it for her.  “I don’t want any collisions today.”  Sensing that she was completely kidding and in a good mood, Christen played along.  “I’m going to announce myself, too.  I’m coming through the door now,” she half shouted.  She saw a smile form on Tobin’s lips that made her weak.  She’d been waiting for that sight for awhile now.

Tobin kept her offer and paid for both of them while Christen collected their orders and found a table.  She took the opportunity to get as much face time in as possible before they had to get Tobin to the fieldhouse.  “So how are you, what’s been going?”  She watched the pretty brunette shove some of the lettuce into her mouth, unable to resist waiting  to start eating.  

“Same old. Soccer, class, repeat.” Her shoulders shrugged as though there was nothing else going on in her world.  “You?  I haven’t seen you much except for class.”  

Christen wanted to indicate that she wasn’t happy about that arrangement.  “I know, I don’t like it.”  

Tobin’s eyes widened at her statement.  “No?”

“No.”

Their words hung in the air for a moment before she continued.  “But same as you, just class and projects.  I’ve been spending a lot of time with Allie on the weekends but I also started playing rec tennis at the student center for something to do.”   

“I’m pretty good, maybe we can see how bad you are this weekend?”  Christen looked up from her salad to see if Tobin was was just teasing her or it was her way of saying she’d like to really play together.  “It’s a date,” she provoked.  

There was no objection from the other side of the table.  They changed the topic to small talk about class and soccer before it somehow reached the a subject she was curious about.  Christen had shyly asked about her previous year, stemming from the soccer conversation.  “So Danny said you spent a lot of time at their house last year and this summer.  But it doesn’t seem like you’re there much anymore…”.  Shifting in her seat, she saw Tobin was a bit uncomfortable but willing to talk.

“The girl I was dating lived there.”  

“Where is she now?” Does she still go here?” she asked, knowing very well she didn’t.

“No, she was here for a short time before she went back to Paris where she plays club soccer.  We ended things right before she left in the summer.”  It was clear that she wasn’t going to spill all the details she wanted unless she pried a little more.  “Oh, I’m sorry.  Did she leave on good terms?”

Tobin put down her fork and paused.  Christen thought maybe she struck a nerve but as the seconds ticked by she figured out Tobin was just trying to decide whether to answer openly or not.  “I think she thought we were on good terms, but I wasn’t so thrilled.  I’m over it now, though, I promise.”  

She thought it was kind of an odd thing to say, but appreciated the honesty.  “That’s good, I guess.  Do you still talk to her?”  

“She tries, I answer her every once in awhile.  If we were friends before we started a relationship or she was still around I might try harder, but she’s gone so I don’t see the point.”

“Can I ask you a question?”  IT was something Christen felt she needed to know before she could really decide if telling Tobin how she felt was worth it.  “Of course,” Tobin said, resuming her dinner.  

“Did you cut off the communication because it’s too hard to talk to her?  Or because you resent her for ending it?”  Tobin’s head shot up.  “Who said she ended it?”   Shit, I’m caught.    “Danny kind of mentioned she did.”

“Oh did he?  He sure has a lot to say to you.”  Her voice was clearly annoyed.  

“Tobin, it was a quick conversation.  We weren’t gossiping or anything, I swear.  I just wanted to know from you be-”  Tobin cut her off before she could tell her she wanted to know if she was open to anything else or a new relationship.

“I don’t talk to her much because it would send the wrong message.  She wants to try again and I don’t.  It’s better this way. Can we change the subject now?”

Christen was compliant and commented how good her salad was, thanking Tobin with a smile for the recommendation.  They made it through the rest of dinner without any more hiccups and for the first time in weeks, she felt good about where they were at.  

………………..