Slivers

Maggie had bought this on herself. She knew that. It was the harsh truth of it all, and it was about to bite her in the ass. Alex had kissed her and she´d pulled away, the burning bright of Alex´s eyes shining at her, and even as Maggie´s lips tingled, pushing for more, she´d turned her down.

And felt her own heart shatter a little inside her ribs as Alex had walked away, her face starting to fall right as she turned away. 

She´d said no for Alex´s sake. Maggie couldn´t hold a relationship together. She´d proven that time and time again. She had a messy trail of pieces of broken hearts behind her–some of them her own–and she had no intention of adding Alex´s to that list. Not Alex. Alex was everything.

So Maggie pulled her back in with words of friendship and, slowly, they´d built that back up again. Maggie would have Alex Danvers in life as a friend, even if she couldn´t have her how she really craved. And Alex would move on and be fine- better than fine, really.

And it had been great, for a while. Maggie continued to lose at pool, and they followed the steps of an Alien organisation and tried to hunt them down before they became the hunted. Alex and she were streamlined, moving side by side like they´d been partners for years.

And little by little, Maggie felt herself fall apart and build back up. Maggie, who had never needed a partner. Who worked alone. Maggie, who held people at bay with a sliver of space, never letting them come too close. Maggie, who didn´t fall head over heels, especially for newly out girls who were allergic to the word lesbian. Or bi. Or queer. She didn´t do that.

None of it.

So it was entirely her fault that she was standing here, shaking hands with Alex´s girlfriend. Who was a knock out. Stunning. Curls and curls of hair and flawless skin. Piercing eyes and an easy, curling smile. 

And, worse, she was funny. And nice.

“First rounds on me,” she said with a wink.

Maggie wanted to throw her pool cue after her. Maybe she´d hit her perfectly sculpted ass. 

Alex turned to her, eyes bright and colour high in her cheeks. Maggie could have been the cause of that. All those reasons she had seemed to echo with a clang in her head now. Months past turning Alex down and the tables had flipped, Maggie losing her words and her heart racing in her chest as Alex stared across the pool table at her, grinning. 

“How great is she?” 

Maggie made herself smile. Her cheeks hurt. “Oh, she´s just great.”

Alex didn´t seem to notice she gritted it out.

And maybe she could have gotten over it. Ignored the ugly curl of jealousy in the pit of her stomach, but she started to see Alex less and less.

“Sorry,” Alex breathed into the phone. “I´m meeting Sam for coffee.”

“No problem.” Maggie said, every time.

“Sam,” she’d spit later, her fist slamming into the punching bag. “I’ll get the next round!” She mimicked, her voice high and mocking, a roundhouse kick flying. “No, you stay here, I’ll go save orphans and foster puppies.”

And then guilt always followed, because stupid Sam was stupid lovely.

Alex often invited her along.

“Hey, we’re at the bar tonight.” Maggie would try not to sigh. ‘We’. “Why don’t you join?”

And because she was a masochist, as well as a borderline sociopath, apparently, she’d go some of the times. Mostly, because she just wanted to see Alex. Instead, she´d watch them smile at each other and move around each other’s space, easy and comfortable. Sam’s hand would fall on Alex’s knee, and Alex wouldn’t bat an eye. 

Maggie would hold her glass so tight, she thought it was going to shatter. 

There was lipstick on Alex’s neck one night, and Maggie almost felt ill.

She’d thought more than she should have, of her lips on Alex’s neck and the sounds she’d make as she panted in Maggie’s ear. 

“She´s just so great, Alex.”

She reaffirmed it, every time.

Then one night, Maggie went to the bathroom, her heart in her throat. Alex had laughed at a joke Sam had made, the sound full of delight and Maggie just needed some air, a moment away to pull herself together to then go back and pretend to be happy for Alex.

Because she was. She wanted Alex happy. That’s all she wanted. 

She’d just thought she wanted Alex happy, separate from her.

But it turns out Maggie wanted Alex happy with Maggie.

She splashed water on her wrists and stared at her reflection. She narrowed her eyes at herself. She really needed to pull herself together. She could do this. She´d get past this.

The door creaked open and Maggie turned to awkwardly sidle past whoever had come in, but instead turned and came face to face with those eyes that were so soft and full of something Maggie had never had a word for. 

“Alex,” she breathed.

“Maggie.” Alex cocked her head, her arms crossed. “Are you okay?”

Maggie swallowed. And took a deep breath, ‘yes’ armed and ready on her tongue. Instead, though, what fell out was, “No.”

She stepped forward, her heart going crazy in her chest, and tugged on Alex’s shirt, tugging her forward so they fell into each other. Her hands slipped up and into Alex’s hair, pushing up on her tiptoes to crash her lips to hers. 

It went on too long.

But that’s what made it so fantastic.

It went on so long, because Alex kissed her back, after a second of stiffened surprise. Nails bit into the back of Maggie’s neck, scraping with a tinge of desperation. She arched into Alex at the sharp sensation, and Alex breathed a throaty moan into her mouth, a gift for Maggie to keep with her for later. The warmth of Alex’s tongue slipped past her lips and Maggie wanted, then, to do this forever.

And then Alex had pulled back, her mouth open in shock, cheeks pink and lips kissed red.

And Maggie tried to give her something then. To take the blame. But this was why Maggie should have steered completely clear. Already, Alex’s eyes were welling up, her girlfriend just outside the door, a presence that pressed into the room.

Maggie broke people. She´d always known that was what she´d do.

“I’m so sorry, Alex.”

And she fled, the door slamming shut behind her and in ten long strides, the cold air outside the bar slapping at her overheated cheeks.