I'm gasping for air.
It feels like everything is off, and it's impossible to do even the simplest thing; breathe.
A million thoughts pour into my head and it won't be long until I start to wheeze; the shaking has already started.
it's cold.
I close myself up; try to make it so I'm the smallest I can possibly be, I pull the sheets away from myself, when suddenly something (or rather someone) puts their arms around me.
now im engulfed in a warmth.
i hear whispers.
My mind whirls as I hear little lies;
"you're beautiful" "i love you" "im right here"
they stop.
Somehow it all stops. I stare at the wall and feel nothing, but in an instant it all comes crashing down.
like an anvil.
She left me, so why is she back?
Why is she here now?
"Bonnie?" I can feel how broken my voice sounds, and I feel her grasp tighten. I stiffen up.
"I'm so sorry, I-," She started to speak but I couldn't listen. Somehow, as much as I hate to admit, I was glad she was in this moment- despite everything she had done.
trembling.
She grabbed my hands and started rubbing little circles with her thumb. Suddenly, the tears welling up seemed to disappear. And I began to feel calm. I began to allow myself to be held. I drifted off, still surprised at the fact that I even felt tired.
Just maybe, things could be like they were.
blank.
it's dark at first but then it hits me.
i wake up and realize one of two things:
it's cold. she isn't beside me, telling me it'll be fine, that she'll be there (why would i even think she'd want to be)
secondly, im alone. (not like it matters to her anymore; i'm not her problem to deal with)
but she doesn't think like i do.
she doesn't think of me (not in the way i want her to), maybe except for when she sees me and says hi.
she doesn't rethink everything, over analysis, or care about how i am. (if she did, wouldn't she had called?)
and i often wonder why im trapped in the same exact place i was 2 months ago, imprisoned in my own personal cage; my dreams.