Loneliness is not an emotion. Loneliness is not a state of mind. Loneliness cannot be a cured by a movie and a cup of coffee, no matter what Regina Mills tells herself. A lonely life merely becomes an existence, and an increasingly difficult one at that.
Days wash over her like waves on a desolate beach, hour after hour, bleak and emotionless, grey flatness stretching off into the distance as far as the eye can see.
Night offers little relief, with dark, frightening dreams flashing in front of her every time she closes her eyes. She dreams of shadows that aren't really there, monsters that remain just out of reach, and demons that corrupt her, twisting her until she no longer recognises her own existence.
Some nights though, some nights are better than others, and these are the nights she lives for, the nights that keep her surviving through day after day of a monotonous lonely existence. These nights are the nights when she dreams about Emma Swan.
She doesn't dream of anything in particular, but Emma is there, her blonde curls and bright jacket scaring away the demons, for a little while anyway. She dreams of Emma's laugh, of that lopsided grin she is awarded with when she buys Emma lunch or drops off leftover dinner to Emma's dark cold house.
She wonders if Emma is lonely too. She wonders if Emma spends the nights lying awake too, with the door to her room open just a crack so that the darkness doesn't swallow her whole and claim her as it's own again. She thinks about Emma in that big house, so cold and dark since Hook died, not that Regina really minded that he did. But Emma looked so lost and so tired after he died, that Regina found herself minding, not for Hook's sake but for Emma's sake.
She finds herself pacing outside the Sheriff station one day, mindless of the rain falling and soaking her thin blouse, making it cling to every curve of her slim body.
She doesn't realise she's doing it until she hears Emma exclaim in shock and usher her inside, doesn't realise that she's cold and wet until Emma is offering her a towel, a cup of tea and a lopsided smile. Doesn't realise how tired she is until she sinks into the uncomfortable chair, until Emma is asking her if she's feeling ok.
She sits in silence for a while, letting the hot tea warm her hands until she feels more human again, until she can think clearly without the demons slinking back into the forefront of her mind.
Emma sits quietly, eyes downcast, trying to give Regina the space she can sense she needs. Occasionally she looks up, offers Regina a nod and a small smile, before ducking her head back down again to fidget with her hands.
Regina wonders if Emma feels what she feels. She wonders if Emma feels hollow too, thinks about if Emma knows what it's like to feel like her life is merely an existence, wants to ask if Emma knows what it's like to just want the world to stop, because sometimes you're just so cold and so tired and just want to feel less alone.
But loneliness seeps into your bones and takes over your life, making it devoid of colour and devoid of emotion and devoid of everything you ever thought you had. She wonders if Emma understands this.
She asks as much, and Emma finally looks up and looks her in the eyes, and Regina realises that this is all the answer she needs. She sees the emptiness she feels in herself reflected back at her in Emma's stormy green eyes, once so big and full of life, now flat and tired and cold.
She asks if it's because of Hook. Emma laughs, an empty laugh and says no. It was never about him. She says she feels guilty because it should be, but her life was meaningless long before him, and being with him only honed that fact into a sharp, unbearable point.
Regina nods, because she understands more than anyone what that feels like. She knows what it's like to fill your life with meaningless person after meaningless person, knowing that none of them are right for you but hoping, dreaming, willing for one of them to fill the void you're falling into, even just slightly. And she also understands that it never works, and you're just left feeling even more alone than you were to begin with.
But maybe, just maybe, with Emma she can begin to feel less alone.
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Loneliness is quiet. Loneliness is an unimaginable void which cannot be filled, not by words or actions or noise. Loneliness seeps it's way into every aspect of your life, until it is coated in grey and black and white, and colour has all but ceased to exist. Loneliness is the silence you can hear in the darkness of night, it is awful and quiet and yet louder than a heart wrenching scream.
Emma is quiet nowadays. She doesn't speak much anymore, not to Regina, not to anyone. She sits in silence, staring off at a point in the distance, unseeing, unblinking, uncaring. Sometimes when Regina asks her if she's ok, she'll nod, she'll offer up a smile and then sink right back into the fog she feels like she walks around in.
People ask her if she's ok, but they are easily placated by a smile and some small talk. Regina though, Regina is different. Regina understands. She understands the crushing loneliness, she understands what it's like to fill your life with people in an attempt to scare away the emptiness only for it to backfire and leave you feeling even emptier, even colder and even more alone than you were to begin with.
Emma learns that there is solace to find in the company of Regina. She begins to seek her out, at first using excuses, muttering about needing help with paperwork and wanting an opinion on a new jacket she purchased. But then the excuses stop and Emma begins to turn up on Regina's doorstep at all hours of the day, looking for company, for understanding and sometimes just for someone to sit in silence with.
And Emma realises that whilst Regina makes her feel less alone, she makes Regina feel less alone too. So she keeps coming, keeps knocking on Regina's door, even on the nights when everything seems so bleak and so desperate that she just wants to run and hide from the world and sink into oblivion. But Regina needs her and she needs Regina and somehow she finds the strength to keep going.
Sometimes Regina will turn up at Emma's house too. She comes with movies or with dinner, she comes on the nights when Emma lies in bed, fighting the darkness that threatens to pull her back in again, she comes on the mornings when Emma doesn't want to open her eyes and face reality.
She comes when Emma comes down with the flu, carrying hot soup and that book she's been trying to make Emma read for the last four months. And she reads it to Emma, who's head is too sore to focus on the print, and Emma whines, pretending she doesn't like it, but she begs Regina to carry on at the end of every chapter.
And then Emma falls asleep with her head in Regina's lap, a blanket draped haphazardly around her aching body. So Regina stays, she helps Emma climb the stairs to her room, makes sure she has everything she needs, and then settles herself on the couch for the night, unwilling to leave the sick blonde alone with nothing but her thoughts and the silence for company.
And even when Emma is no longer sick and has returned to work, Regina keeps coming round, and sometimes she even stays the night on the couch, or in the spare room. And then there was the night Emma won't speak about, when her nightmares were so dark and so terrible that she phoned Regina who came over to find her without a second of hesitation. Regina slept in Emma's bed that night.
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Henry brings something to their lives too, even though he's busy with high school and friends and living a normal life like a normal teenager. But he comes home at the end of the day with a hug for his mom and a high five for his other mom who doesn't really like human contact, even after all this time. He doesn't understand the loneliness they feel, a fact which they are grateful for every single day, but he's trying. And he loves nothing more than those rare moments when a smile will light up Emma's face again, or when the light returns to Regina's eyes, even briefly.
He loves nothing more than the way he sees Regina look at Emma sometimes, or the way Emma smiles at Regina when she thinks the brunette isn't looking. He sees the side glances, the small smirks, the glimmer of something new in their eyes. And he watches the loneliness fade from Emma's eyes, watches life return to Regina's face. He hears her laugh again, sees her posture, tall and strong and proud.
And one day he walks into the kitchen and sees Emma pressed up against a wall with Regina's lips on hers, both of them caught up in their own world, just them and their hearts beating together. And he realises that they fought the loneliness. Together, just as they always do.
Loneliness is not permanent. Loneliness can be driven away and forgotten about, to only creep back for seconds at a time, before it is discarded again. There is no place for loneliness in a world of colour. Loneliness can be healed by one who understands, it does not have to be lonely forever.
Loneliness can lead to love and hope and healing. The dark can be lit up by a smile, demons can be chased away with a kiss in the night, loneliness can be forgotten about in the arms of the one you love.
A lonely life may just be an existence, but a life full of love is a life worth living.