“Bridey, I can’t do this,” Lexie says to you, but you just see her . Your costar is so raw and so real sometimes you can’t tell where Lexie Grey ends and Alex Danvers begins. “I’m in love with someone else.”
You cross your arms in your labcoat and smirk mirthlessly. Right now you’re Bridey, but it isn’t hard to channel this particular emotion. “Mark Sloan.”
Alex plays Lexie as feeling ashamed but also somehow prideful. You wonder if she would look just as prideful if she was in love with someone. But you have to focus on the lines you had memorized in your trailer this morning and carry on with them.
Lexie reaches out and cups your cheek, which you don’t remember being in the script, but you go with it. “I’m so sorry.”
You feel her words cut through your flesh and bone and land in your chest. As if you were physically feeling everything Bridey would be feeling - but you remind yourself that you’re just being method.
Before you know it you spit out a few more lines and the director calls cut. The makeup artist retouches Alex’s foundation while some of the crew pat you on the back for a job well done.
You take a croissant from kraft services, making a mental note to do an extra set of squats later before making your way back to your trailer. Alex still had more scenes to do and you just wanted time alone - the scenes today got to you a little more than you expected.
It’s not very often that this happens - usually you’re good at shaking off the emotions from your scenes, but today?
You’re all tapped out.
//
You run through some of your lines for tomorrow because you’re on call - the director told you that you may have to do some reshoots of your scenes with Alex because the audio was off time with the cinematography.
“Sawyer, you in there?”
You hear the elder Danvers sister from outside of your trailer and you shudder, a cold chill running down your spine. You almost don’t want to open the door for her - though you’re better than you were earlier, there’s still a pit growing in the bottom of your stomach.
You wish you knew why, but you chalk it up to your nerves about Grey’s Anatomy being your first real gig. Although this is already your second season portraying Bridey Cruz, you shrug it off anyway.
The door of your trailer pops open and there stands Alex in Lexie’s scrubs and white lab coat - she clearly hadn't changed out of her costume, but there were little wisps of dark brown hair coming out of her ponytail. A Lexie signature after a tough surgery.
It made you want to reach out and pull a few behind her ear, but you refrain from doing so.
“I knocked,” Alex indicates to the closed door with a semi-nervous smirk. You can't help but grin a bit too - a Danvers smile is almost impossible to resist where you're concerned. Lena would agree , you think.
“Sorry, I was going over lines for tomorrow,” you explain, the white lie leaving your lips before you can think of something better to say. “You get back with Mark.”
Alex huffs and takes a seat on the couch next to you. “You mean Lexie gets back with Mark. Middle aged men aren't usually my type, you know.”
You try to laugh at her joke, you do, but all that comes across your lips is a stiff grin that doesn't quite reach your eyes. You hate how intuitive Alex is at the moment, because she takes a good look at you and her eyebrows furrow.
“Maggie, are you alright? You seem off and-” she looks as if she wants to say something, but decides not to.
“And what?”
”You didn't hug me after our scenes earlier. You always hug me after our emotional scenes.”
Since the producers decided to pair Bridey and Lexie together last year, you and Alex has grown close. You both decided that you'd communicate and make sure you were both okay, even if the scenes got heavy.
You almost don't do it, but you take one of Alex’s pale hands in yours and you rub circles in her palm with your pointer finger. “I'm sorry, it slipped my mind.”
“You were upset,” Alex states more than asks, and now you really hate how intuitive she is. “Maggie, you know you can talk to me, right?”
You let out a large sigh and drop her hand out of yours. “No, actually. I can't.”
Alex turns her body to yours and shifts herself closer instead of turning away like you'd imagine most people would.
But Alex Danvers isn't most people. You don't look at her though, because you know she's hurt. You can hear it in the inflection in her voice.
“Why not?”
You want to tell her the truth, that you're so confused about everything. How you've been agonizing over what it is about Alex that has your stomach in knots all the time, but you can't.
You know you can't, because she's your co-star. She's off limits.
“Alex, I-”
The trailer door pops open.
“Hey, thought I'd find you two here,” Colette, one of the PAs says. You're relieved momentarily, because let's face it. You weren't at all ready for that conversation. “We don't need to reshoot everything, but there was a small rewrite for 37. It has a kiss at the end of it now. 10 minute warning.”
Colette leaves almost as quickly as she came in and you're panicking internally.
“A kiss, huh,” Alex stammers out, nodding slowly.
“Yeah,” you manage. You're such a mess of emotions that you're not sure you can handle kissing Alex or even Alex as Lexie right now. The “will they, won't they” you could handle because it appeared they were going to make Lexie get back together with Mark.
Pansexual or not, Lexie’s love was always Mark. Or at least that's what you told yourself when you started developing these feelings.
“Do you want to practice?”
You're pretty sure your stomach just fell out of your ass and you even turn around to make sure it didn't. You panic even more, so you let out a jittery “sure” and tuck a strand of your dark wavy hair behind your ear in preparation.
Alex looks nervous, but she doesn't seem too shy about it - you remind yourself that it's for the art and allow yourself to slip away from Maggie and into Bridey as best you can.
“Bridey would make the move,” you surmise, and place yourself practically in Alex’s lap. You're shaking, so you silently pray to the saints your abuela always told you about that she wouldn't notice and brush your lips against Alex’s.
She leans into it rather quickly, grabbing both of your shoulders and you adjust yourself fully so you're straddling her.
Alex sucks on your bottom lip and you feel it in your core. You break the kiss before you go through unchartered waters with your co-star.
“Whoa,” she says breathily. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get carried away.”
“It's okay, Danvers. I'm flattered,” you joke somehow. If you weren't a decent actor, Alex may have realized just how explosive the kiss was for you.
How much you were holding back, how ready you were to hand yourself over to her in your trailer.
But she was her and you were...well, you. Or so you kept telling yourself, despite the look the other woman was throwing you right now.
“Can we go again?”
You nod and Alex plants one on you this time. You can't deny yourself of this any longer, so you tangle your hands through her hair and bite her bottom lip gently every so often.
Alex moans slightly in your mouth and just like that, you're a goner. But you've never been brave when it came to being vulnerable.
You pull your lips from hers and remove yourself from her lap. “I should get to set,” you say, leaving Alex behind in your trailer.
//
The Director liked the first take of the kiss. Getting to lock lips with Alex as Lexie was far worse than not kissing her at all, because now?
Well, now you knew what you were missing.
You wrap early, so you decide to ring Lena for a quick Starbucks date.
“It was that bad?” Lena asked, sipping on her chai tea latte with soy. It’s too late for coffee , the CEO of Lcorp had stated earlier.
“Worse. It was wonderful, passionate. It was...everything,” you admit.
You met Lena Luthor at Alex’s New Year’s party last year. You hit it off right away, even if the two of you were vastly different and too busy to make enough time for each other.
“Can you explain to me how that's worse? I can't even get Kara to admit she has a crush on me.”
That makes you laugh, because the other Danvers is pretty clueless when it comes to matters of the heart. Although you can't judge her for that - look at the predicament you're in with Alex.
“We've been working so closely over the past few months and I don't want to ruin our work relationship,” you say adamantly, taking a large bite out of the cookie you ordered.
You're not normally one to stress eat, but you've picked up the habit from somewhere.
“Maggie, I'm going to tell you this once, and whether you choose to follow my advice is on you,” Lena says seriously, having been attentive to you and all your doubts.
You don't know what you would've done without Lena these past few months. But you trust her. You do.
“Okay. Spit it out, Luthor,” you say with the weight of anticipation sitting on your chest.
“Ruin it.”
//
Bridey and Lexie don't have too many scenes together in the coming weeks, so you get a chance to clear your head without worrying about kisses and almost telling Alex how you feel.
Eventually though, you get the script for episode twenty delivered to your apartment.
As you skim through it, you discover Bridey and Lexie get stuck on an elevator together and wind up reconciling. It seems even your characters can't stay away from each other.
After an hour of memorizing lines, your phone buzzes next to you.
Danvers (8:07pm): did you get the script for episode 20?
Danvers (8:08pm): We get stuck on an elevator!
Sawyer (8:15pm): why are you so excited? we’re gonna get all sweaty in there danvers
You realize the implication of that last text and quickly send another one.
Sawyer (8:16pm): you know, enclosed space and all
Danvers (8:18pm): Wouldn't want to sweat all over you, Sawyer ;)
Your heart stops momentarily and you now feel too distracted to go back to reading lines for the rest of the night.
You break into your cabinet and grab a bottle of wine and a glass and top it off. You hear your phone buzz again and quickly run over to grab it.
Danvers (8:25pm): Are you busy tonight? I'd love to run some lines with you.
Your smile is so wide your mouth starts to hurt. You down the glass of wine on the counter and quickly text a reply to Alex.
Sawyer (8:28pm): i’m already calling for pizza so get your ass over here
//
After a night of running lines and banter over two bottles of wine, you feel secure and comfortable about shooting an entire episode with Alex. Even if your feelings were still swimming around in the back of your head.
They weren't going to go away anytime soon, even you were wise enough to realize that getting over someone as incredible as Alex Danvers wasn't going to be easy.
You only hoped that Lena and Kara would get their shit together soon - someone should be happy , you reasoned with yourself.
You even start dating again - you always caught one of the scrub nurses, an actress named Imani, checking you out.
You finally find the nerve to ask her for her number and you set up a dinner date for the following Friday. You only have a few scenes to shoot that morning and she wasn't working that day, so it worked out for you both.
“You ready for three days with me in an elevator?” Alex came up from behind you and rested her chin on your shoulder. You just so happened to be texting Imani. “Is that - she's one of the scrub nurses, right?”
You smile because, of course Alex knows the extras. She's so polite and caring in that way, it makes your heart burst. She isn't exactly making moving forward easy on you.
“Yeah, I'm going out with her next week,” you tell the taller woman.
“I’m glad you're making friends,” Alex teases. “I was starting to wonder if Lena and I were your only ones.”
“I have friends other than you and the slightly less evil Luthor,” you snap back playfully, nudging Alex in the arm. “But I wouldn't exactly say Imani’s just a friend.”
Alex lifts her chin off of you at that and straightens out her lab coat - not that she really needed to. She looked perfect. “Oh.”
“Yeah, I asked her for her number and she agreed to have dinner with me.”
You're confused as to why Alex looks like someone just pried her puppy away from her fingers, but you try not to think anything of it. You've decided to try and get over Alex and that includes not reading into the little things that she does.
“Well, I hope you two have a wonderful time. I mean it, Maggie,” Alex smiles through gritted teeth. You can tell she's trying her best to mean it.
“Ten minute warning everyone,” a PA yells, and the two of you make your way to set.
//
“How long has it been?”
“Since the last time you asked how long it's been? Four minutes,” you bark out and huff. “Worried Mark isn't looking for you?”
Alex portraying Lexie looks away as if she can't bear to look at you. It stings a little.
“No,” she says unconvincingly, in her signature Lexie Grey way. “Okay, yes. He's probably worried though. He does care, Bridey.”
You're reminded of how fantastic an actress Alex is. You've been meaning to tell her that, but you're sure that if you told her how great she was at her craft, all of these other truths would come tumbling out.
“Why can't you look at me?”
Lexie sighs and faces your direction, but doesn't meet your eyes. Her lab coat is tossed to the far side of the elevator and a bead of sweat is forming above her brow.
“Because- Bridey, if I look at you, I'll be reminded of how much I want to kiss you. How easy it would be, but-”
You shift closer to her. “But what?”
“Y’know, before you know it, someone has to realize we’re in here,” Lexie deflects, getting up and begins to bang on the door. “Hello, can anyone hear us?”
“If they could, they'd be here,” you say calmly. A big juxtaposition to the other woman and also how you're feeling in your chest right now. You know what's coming, but you have to pretend you don't. “Lexie stop.”
You pry her hands away from the door and she's a bit shaken. You don't let go of them but instead you pull them to you, momentarily forgetting about the cameras, the fake set, the eyes on you.
The contact is scripted, but what you’re feeling isn't at all written down on a page in your trailer somewhere.
Lexie’s eyes flutter closed as you look at her like she's the only woman in the world. Like you've given her the key to unlock every vulnerable bone in your body and it's all hers for the taking.
Luckily her eyes are still closed, because you're talented, but this is a whole other level of emotion.
“Lexie, please. Look at me.”
“I can't,” she says, opening her eyes but staring everywhere but at you.
“Lexie please,” you whisper, and it's then that she does look at you and you can feel a shift in the air. She's gazing at you the same way you're gazing at her - like you're the feeling she gets when she rides her motorcycle. When she memorizes her tough lines on the first try. As if she herself were physically flying above the buildings of National City, floating on air.
You're unsure of who's staring back at you, Lexie or Alex, but you're almost positive who grabs the back of your neck and crashes your lips together in desperation.
“I can't get you out of my head,” Lexie says in between kisses, and she shoves you against the elevator door. “Why can't I get you out of my head?”
You do something unorthodox and stick your tongue in your co-star’s mouth and she stifles a moan. “You know why, Lex.”
You run your fingers down her scrubs and grab her by the waist and plant kisses down her neck. Then you pick your head back up and just stare at the girl opposite you. “I'm still in love with you,” she says with tear filled eyes and you feel it in your toes. “Bridey, say something.”
Before you could answer though, the elevator doors begin to pry open, and on the other side of it stands beautiful and rugged Mark Sloan.
“Cut.”
//
Before you know it, you ring Lena and ask her to meet you at your usual Starbucks spot. Your Uber takes a bit longer than expected, but you don't mind. It gives you a bit of time to exhale away the day’s events, even if you were dying to tell Lena what happened.
You hadn't even ordered your drinks yet, but the line was too long and you were bursting at the seams. You tell Lena everything in five minutes .
“So let me get this straight,” the woman in a pantsuit faux huffed. “Not only did you disregard my advice, but now you think she's fucking with you at work?”
You sigh, because you clearly didn't get your point across to the annoyed Luthor.
Lena places your order quickly and then looks back at you for an answer while you both make your way to the other end of the counter for your drinks. Lena shoves a cookie into your chest as incentive.
“Alex veered off the script today.”
“You're talking actor, I’m not sure I understand what that means Maggie,” Lena joked, taking her drink from the barista and thanking her for her service. The barista visibly blushes and you roll your eyes.
“We shot for three days in an elevator,” you say nervously, trying to piece everything together properly for your friend. “Today was the last day of shooting and she kissed me.”
Lena looks confused, nearly as confused as you feel right now. You take your drink and tread to the back of the shop to one of the vacant tables off to the side. Lena’s eyes practically bulge out of her skull as she plops down in a chair across from you.
“The kiss wasn't scripted, was it?” the Luthor stated more than asked. “I knew it. Kara owes me twenty bucks.”
Lena was practically jumping out of her chair. If you weren’t so mortified, you’d probably think it was rather cute.
“Twenty bucks?”
“What did the director and the producers say? Were they angry?”
The CEO of Lcorp, one of the most reputable companies in National City, was sitting across from you in Starbucks gushing over your love life. It felt so surreal.
“They wouldn't get mad at Alex, they trust her,” you assure, sipping on your hot chocolate. “But there lies my problem. I don't know if the kiss was the director’s idea or if it was Alex’s.”
Lena leans back in her chair, collecting her thoughts for a bit.
“That is a problem. Guess you're going to have to ask Alex herself, Sawyer.”
The thought of that makes your head hurt. But at the same time, you know Lena’s right.
You need to know.
“I will. But in the meantime, you're going to tell me what that bet between you and Kara is about.”
//
You were going to confront Alex about the unscripted kiss. You were , but you got too busy with auditions and memorizing your lines for Grey’s.
Before you knew it, it was Friday night and you were picking out a button down shirt and black jeans for your date with Imani.
Danvers (6:39pm):Good luck on your date Sawyer! I hope it goes well! x
Whether Alex actually meant it or not, you weren't sure. But you appreciated the gesture. Maybe you could move on after all.
Sawyer (7:01): thanks Danvers.
You meet Imani at a Mexican restaurant called Nino’s - it wasn't too fancy, but their margaritas were amazing. The restaurant was one of your favorites in National City, so you felt the need to share that with someone else.
You try to forget the many drunken nights you've had here with some of the cast, most of them including Alex.
Imani orders a couple of drinks first and then you both put your food orders in. You toast to being able to get away from set long enough to enjoy a meal other than the kraft truck.
“I still can't believe you ordered a salad at a Mexican restaurant. That should be a crime or something,” Imani teases once the waitress set down your orders.
“Gotta keep in shape somehow, don't I?”
“Please. Don't think I don't see you sneaking Lexie’s Reese's pieces off set,” she throws back at you. “You're just as bad as she is.”
You really wish she hadn't brought up Alex - even if it was just her character that Imani was talking about.
You'd been trying to push her high cheekbones and toothy smile out of your head the whole night, and just when you were beginning to enjoy the woman in front of you, the eldest Danvers sister consumed your thoughts again.
You're so in your head that Imani notices you grow quiet. It makes you feel even more guilty for thinking about someone else while on a date.
“Hey, are you okay? I was only joking about the Reese's. I'm sorry.”
“No, it's okay. You're right, I do have a sweet tooth,” you grin half heartedly.
“But something's wrong,” Imani frowns, putting her burrito down and taking a large sip from her margarita. Waiting on you to explain.
Behind Imani’s head, you almost think you see a familiar face so you do a double take.
“Alex,” you sigh heavily, with a lump in your throat. You take a long swig of your own margarita, not bothering to even utilize the straw.
“Alex?” Imani looks confused for a moment. “Danvers?”
“Yeah, she's here.”
Alex sits at the bar with another woman you don't recognize and they’ve ordered a round of shots. You want to tear your eyes away, you do, but they're both laughing and Alex looks so happy that you want to crawl in a hole and die.
She must feel eyes on her because after she downs a third shot of whiskey - which she doesn't normally drink - she locks eyes with yours.
Alex looks like she wants to come over to you, but then she eyes your date who's telling some story about when she first started on Grey’s. She kept dropping scalpels and clamps and almost got fired.
Alex waves and gives you a thumbs up before shifting closer to the woman she was with. You ask for the check rather quickly after that and decide it's best if you reroute your date to somewhere else.
As if you can think of anything else but the glint in Alex’s eyes when she showed up with a date of her own.
//
You run into Alex at kraft services on Monday morning.
“Which bagel should I go for, poppy or everything?”
You laugh, because she's just so incredibly adorable. You wonder how she's still single, but then you remember the other night and the person she brought to Nino’s - a woman she most likely went home with.
“Everything. Never half ass breakfast,” you tell her, grabbing your own everything bagel and some fruit.
“Hey how'd your date go?” She asks, putting a light layer of butter on each side of her breakfast.
You don't know if you should tell her the truth, but you do know that the kraft truck isn't the right place to do so.
“It ended a little earlier than expected,” you opt for.
“Oh, I'm sorry. Is everything okay?”
The genuine concern in her eyes and the touch to your shoulder is not helping. You know now at this point, you can't ignore this any longer. You suggest the two of you talk in her trailer instead of out in the open where crew members could potentially hear you.
Once you make it there and Alex closes the door, you begin blurting.
“I couldn't do it,” you say, leaning your shoulder on the closed door. Alex was picking at her bagel from the couch, but still managing to stay focused on you.
“Do what?”
“I couldn’t-” You almost say it. You do, but what comes out instead is something else entirely and it’s too late to stop saying it. “Episode 20, was it the director’s choice or yours?”
Alex places her bagel down on the coffee table in front of her and sighs heavily, staring blankly off into the trailer. She looks confused as to why this information is relevant, but also like she doesn’t want to talk about it.
“Maggie-”
“Just- please. Answer the question, Alex.”
You hate how desperate you sound, but you need to know. You need to get your heart broken so you can mend and finally be over her. She finally meets your eyes and you think that it may be damn near impossible to do, but you’re going to try.
You have to try. You can’t keep putting yourself through this.
“It was mine,” she says, point blank, looking at you like you’re supposed to be getting something. But you’re not sure what. Nothing was clicking properly in your head. “It felt right in the moment.”
“Did it?”
Your eyes never leave hers and you cross your arms as you take a few steps closer to her.
“Yeah, I mean I- I think Lexie would’ve kissed Bridey in the elevator. I think she loves Mark, but ultimately, she...she wants to build a life with Bridey.”
Alex swallows thickly, but you realize it’s just her nerves. The weight of this conversation is growing by the minute, but you realize that your co-star has no idea why.
She doesn’t know that you’re not talking about your characters at all. She doesn't now know that every signal that she’s given you in the past few months has been platonic and that you’re absolutely crushed.
Tears begin to well up in your eyes and you throw a “I have to go” over your shoulder before you exit her trailer and let out a year’s worth of heartache in yours.
//
Lena and Kara bring pizza and two six packs over to your apartment since you have the weekend off from filming. You’ve been camped out in joggers and a t-shirt for most of your sulking, but since Kara is Alex’s sister and may report back to her...pants seemed like a good idea.
You’ve already filled Lena in on the situation with Alex, you just hope that she hasn’t spilled the entire truth to the other Danvers. But you trust Lena, you’re sure she hasn’t.
“Maggie your film collection is amazing, but it’s 2016. Don’t you have Netflix or something?”
You throw a pillow at her lightly - you don’t want to knock over your iconic tower of old 80s and 90s DVDs - and she yells a muffled “hey!” at you.
“I have Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime. Take your pick, little Danvers,” you scoff, taking a sip of beer while Lena flips through the channels.
You all decide on Gone Girl and you pretend to be oblivious to Kara and Lena’s interlacing fingers throughout the film.
At least these two got their shit together, you think. Because frankly, whenever you think of Alex you’re tempted to Gone Girl yourself.
After the movie is over the three of you discard your plates and place the empty boxes outside of your apartment door for the custodial staff to take.
“Maggie, would you like to join Kara and I at Joe’s? We’re meeting some of my constituents there,” Lena asks politely. “I know it’s business, but we’re going to make the best of the open bar.”
Kara smirks at Lena and you just know something’s going on with them. You wonder if Alex knows what’s going on between her younger sister and a Luthor.
“Thanks for the offer, but I think I’m just going to lay low and sulk. Lose my cool.”
Third wheeling never was any fun.
“Suit yourself Sawyer,” Lena teases, pulling her fur coat over her arms. “Guess it’ll just be me and the Mrs.”
“Lena,” Kara warns, lightly shoving the youngest Luthor. “Thanks for having us Maggie. We’ll see you soon, yeah?”
“Of course, little Danvers,” you promise, seeing them out the door.
You flip through the cable channels from the couch and after a few minutes, you find that an old episode of Grey’s Anatomy is on. It’s so bizarre to see yourself onscreen - especially with that haircut, yikes - like the camera has captured a version of you from an alternate universe.
Maybe it is an alternate universe, because in this one, you and Alex are okay. Well, Bridey and Lexie are at least.
The episode is nearly over when you hear a knock at your door. You grab a knife because you’re not sure who would be at your apartment at this time of night other than a killer or a burglar. Or maybe you’ve been watching too many horror films.
When you look through the peephole though, you find a distressed Alex on the other side of it. You open the door hesitantly, but she looks so stressed out that you just want to reach out and hold her.
“Can I come in?”
You suddenly want to take all of her pain away. Every ounce she’s ever possessed in her life and just replace it with your favorite toothy grin of hers.
“Of course, Alex.”
She drapes her jacket and scarf on one of the hooks of your coat rack and takes a seat on your couch. She motions for you to sit next to her and you willingly oblige.
You kind of wish you weren’t wearing your hair up, so you take it out of its messy bun and untangle the strands of hair with your fingers. You feel Alex’s eyes on you while you do it.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day,” she finally exhales out, moving some of her own hair out of her face. “And I should’ve realized what you meant when you asked me about the kiss.”
Your palms are sweaty and you grow nervous, but you press on anyway. “I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry for putting you in that position.”
“Maggie, that’s not at all what I’m saying,” Alex shakes her head, shifting herself so she’s facing you properly. Your knees are touching and you feel a rush of heat from the simple contact there. She looked really jittery. “I know you’re aware that Kevin trusts my acting choices, but after I improvised that kiss, I was terrified.”
“But you said it felt right, didn’t you?” You’re trying to understand where Alex is going with this, but you’re an actor, not a detective. You rub your palm on your knee - it’s itching like crazy.
“I did,” she nods plainly. “But it felt right to me as Alex, not Lexie.”
You're positive you've stopped breathing at this point, and it doesn't go unnoticed. Your mouth feels particularly dry and you can't manage to get any words out.
“Maggie,” Alex says, grabbing one of your hands in both of hers. She rubs circles on your palm, a common occurrence that you love a little more than you should. That hand doesn’t itch anymore. “I probably shouldn't be saying this, because you're dating Imani, but I'm going to burst if I don't. I'm so incredibly in love with you it hurts. And I've tried, y’know? I’ve tried to ignore it for so long, but I can't do it anymore.”
You've dreamed of Alex saying these words to you, but now that she's saying them out loud, it's like it's not really happening. Like she’s fabricated this lie to fuck with your head. But she’s here and she’s real, so you have to snap out of it.
All you can do is stare at Alex in wonderment while she tells you how in love with you she is.
“Remember when we shot the scene at the lake? I think I knew even then,” Alex gushes, smiling softly while she’s lost in her reminiscence.
“Alex that was over a year ago, so that means…”
She just nods, grinning even wider. Fearless, brave, proud. You envy her, how she just ripped the band-aid off. Free of the weight that was probably growing heavy on her chest.
“Are you honestly surprised, Maggie? I feel like I've been fairly obvious about my feelings for you,” she laughs, but she swallows thickly and gets back to her point. “Look, I didn't come over here to bear my soul to you. I just wanted to apologize for taking advantage when I shouldn't have.”
This is all too much, and you're frozen. You want to say something but your brain won't let you - your feet are in quicksand and you can’t seem to manuver your way out.
“Alex, that's not why-”
“No, really. I'm so sorry. I know we're just friends and I'm honestly trying my best to move on. It's just so difficult when you show up to set looking so incredible and warm all the time.”
It becomes apparent that you're in shock when Alex removes her hands from yours and you let her move herself away from you.
“Anyway, I should probably leave you to it. I'm sorry again and I'm happy if you're happy, okay? I hope you know that.”
“I do,” you manage as Alex grabs her jacket and pulls it over her shoulder. “I'll see you tomorrow?”
“Bright and early,” she smiles, and she leaves your apartment.
//
You beat yourself up for a week for keeping schtum about your feelings when Alex confessed hers. You just know that if you told her, you'd probably ruin it before she gets the chance to leave you.
Fuck knows everyone else did.
You're running scared though, and it isn't fair to Alex, but you convince yourself that she's probably better off with the woman she brought to Nino’s that night.
You call Imani again and set up another date, even if it did go horribly last time. You did enjoy her company though, and that's why you invite her out for a drink and pool at a dive bar.
“Nine ball left pocket,” you call, shooting the white ball clean and sink the solid ball into its rightful hole.
“You're good at this,” Imani says in between sipping her beer. “It's an unfair game, Sawyer.”
“I actually used to be terrible,” you laugh, sharpening your stick with blue chalk. “But I wanted to beat Alex so badly I practiced here for a month straight.”
Imani nods softly and grabs her stick that was leaning on the adjacent table and lines up her next shot.
“Maggie, can I ask you something?”
“Shoot,” you say, the double meaning not lost on either of you, but Imani ignores it in favor of her actual point.
“Why did you invite me here when you have feelings for someone else?”
Imani aims for a striped ball, but misses by a few centimeters. You take a long sip of your Jameson and ginger and nearly spit it out at her words. “Excuse me?”
“Alex Danvers,” she says as if it was the most common knowlege in the world. “You have feelings for her, don’t you?”
You don’t want to lie, but you also don’t want to hurt Imani’s feelings. She’s been nothing but kind to you and you do enjoy spending time with her. But it’s even more difficult to admit these feelings out loud for some reason, now that Alex has shared hers with you.
But you owe Imani the truth. It wouldn’t be fair to her if you led her on.
“I’m sorry. I really am I- I didn’t mean to make you feel like you were second rate.”
Imani just laughs and elbows you. “Whoa, Sawyer, relax. We went on one date, I’m not taking it personally. You’re hot and the sex probably would’ve been great, but it’s okay. I don’t mind being your friend.”
“And as my friend you want me to talk about Alex Danvers with you?”
You’ve finished your whiskey and order another one from the bar. You’re going to need a lot of alcohol for this conversation.
“Yes,” Imani replies simply. “I’m nosy. But I can keep secrets, I promise.”
“Okay,” you sigh. “Where do I even begin?”
You explain your history with Alex for about an hour - the difficulty of playing her love interest on screen while struggling with your feelings off screen. You helping her come to terms with being a lesbian last year and eventually pulling away from her because you didn’t think she felt the same way.
“I get the hesitance because the two of you are co-stars, but why did you assume she didn’t have feelings for you?”
Imani’s borderline drunk, you notice because she slurs some of her words.The buzzing in your ear and general loopiness alerts you of your own drunken state, and you know what happens when you drink too much.
“Because,” you giggle. You never giggle unless you’re drunk, oh god. “It was easier to assume that than the alternative.”
“What alterna- wait, what word did you just use?”
“Al-ter-na-tive,” you sound out and you point a finger at Imani. “You’re drunk.”
“Shut up and answer the damn question, Sawyer.”
“Feisty, I like it,” you throw back at her. “I don’t know. None of my relationships ever worked. Everyone always leaves,” you frown into your mostly empty glass. You forget that there’s liquid left at the bottom and spill a little on your jeans, but you’re too intoxicated to care.
“Yeah, but Alex isn’t everyone,” Imani points out. “The girl is an angel - she hardly does anything wrong. She advocates for LGBTQ rights, donates a decent chunk of her salary to charities, promotes body positivity, and is genuinely so kind it’s annoying. She’s a media horror story, Sawyer. She’s so... good .”
“Are you sure you’re not in love with her?”
“Shut up,” the other woman laughs and nearly shoves you off your barstool. “You know what I mean though. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say a bad thing about Alex except I think Sarah Drew called her an asshole once. But that’s only because she’s so talented. She called her ‘a beautiful talented asshole.’”
Something between a scoff and a giggle comes out of your mouth. “She is though,” you agree. “She really is.”
“So why don’t you give her the benefit of the doubt and just tell her how you feel, you idiot?” Imani shoves you again and this time you poke her in the nose for being annoying. Irritating, but not wrong by any means.
“Have you ever met Lena Luthor? I think the two of you would be fast friends,” you actually do giggle this time. You hate it, but you’re too drunk to give a shit about what you sound like.
“If she likes making fun of you as much as I do, I’d probably love her.”
//
It’s nearing 11pm when you ask the bartender to punch in Alex’s address to your Uber app. He had already called Imani a cab and the asshole took your keys. When he asked you where home was, your co-star’s apartment complex fell off your lips before you could stop yourself.
That’s been happening to you a lot lately, but at least this time you can blame it on the alcohol. Which is a song you like, you think, but your coherence wasn’t the best.
You don’t remember most of the ride to Alex’s, but you do remember the warmth that emulated your chest the whole way over. Good thing her apartment building had an elevator or you’d be dragging your drunk ass up three flights of steep steps. That wouldn’t have ended well.
You tap your knuckles on her door and you suddenly realize just how late it is. Alex could be out or with someone else...no. You didn’t want to think of the latter.
“Maggie, hey,” Alex mutters surprisingly. “What are you doing here and- why do you smell like a brewery?”
“I may be drunk and I also may have told the bartender to put in your address instead of mine,” you admit to her shoes. “Is this a bad time?”
You look up a bit and see Alex’s pajamas and glass of wine in her hand. She looked slightly embarrassed - it was the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen. “I had an eighteen hour work day yesterday, so I’m treating myself tonight. But please, come in.”
You plop yourself onto Alex’s couch while the older Danvers pours you a glass of water and makes you something to eat. Now that you think about it, you did drink on an empty stomach. Probably wasn’t the best idea - neither was coming here, but it’s a little too late for that now.
“I needed to talk to you about something,” you say in between bites of the turkey sandwich the other woman made for you.
“Maggie, why don’t you sleep it off? You’re drunk - I don’t want you to say anything you’ll regret,” Alex warns politely, but even though your head is swimming in alcohol, you can still tell that she’s afraid of what you’re going to say. That the liquid courage may make you a little too honest.
“No, I need to say this now. I don’t think I’ll have the guts to when I’m sober,” you slur, putting the sandwich down and taking a huge drink of water. You reach over to where Alex has her arms crossed over her stomach and take both of her hands in yours. “When you told me you were in love with me, I panicked. And I’m really sorry for that. I was scared so I do what I do best - I ran away.”
Alex gulps visibly, looking at you like you were air and she was in desperate need of oxygen. “Maggie, you don’t have to- I didn’t expect anything from you. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way.”
She looks away from you then, trying to hide the tears that are welling up in her eyes. You part your hands from hers so you can wipe them gently from her face. “Alex, if you think I’m not completely and utterly consumed by my love for you, you haven’t been paying attention.”
You cup Alex’s face in your small hands and press your foreheads together. You feel a wetness on your cheeks and you think the tears are Alex’s, but they’re both of yours. Finally being able to get this off your chest is sobering you, so you continue before you lose your nerve.
“My date with Imani ended early that night because you showed up at Nino’s and I couldn’t tear my eyes from you. Even if it was just your back,” you laugh and wipe at a few of your tears. “I’m so in love with you I can’t breathe, Alex. But frankly, I'm scared. I'm scared that you’ll destroy me without even trying.”
Alex kisses one of your palms and places it over her heart. You feel it beating wildly, even from the outside of her chest. “Do you feel what you do to me? You can destroy me just as easily, Maggie.”
Your heart swells at her words and you crash your lips together desperately. Though the two of you have done this before, it almost feels like a first. And this particular first was long overdue.
You guess what you told the bartender was right - maybe Alex’s address wasn't your apartment, but she is your home.
The kissing goes on for a while, and it's all hands and ragged breaths and finally seeing each other as if it were the first time. You see the same relief that you feel reflected in Alex's eyes and you start to believe she was telling you the truth - that she does feel the same way as you do. That she's felt this even longer than you have.
The liplock gets even more intense and before you know it, you're sliding her tank top off of her shoulders and drop it over the side of the couch.
“You're so fucking breathtaking,” you whisper harshly, running your hands over Alex’s body and her breath hitches. She's all toned muscle and glowing skin and you want to explore every inch of her.
And the best part is? You actually get to.
You connect your lips again and yours travel until you’re sucking her neck and trailing kisses down her chest. Your need for Alex is growing by the second, but you're taking your time because she deserves to be loved properly.
You kiss the skin over the top of Alex's black bra and move the fabric a bit to suck on her nipple. At the same time, you move the other cup down with your hand and make circles with your finger on the other one. She moans a bit and squirms underneath you and you’re so filled up by your love and desire for this woman you think you may die.
Her delicate noises make your heart full and drive your libido crazy - you can't blame it on the alcohol this time because your mind is clear, even if you're still a little tipsy. Besides, you know she wouldn't be doing this with you if you weren't in the right frame of mind.
You undo the clasp of her bra with your thumb and pointer finger and push it to the floor and god, Alex is sexier than you ever could've imagined. You want to make sure she's comfortable, so you remove your own shirt and pool it on top of Alex's clothes on the floor.
She can't take her eyes off of your body and you have to admit, you like it that way. You're not narcissistic by any means, but you work hard for your body. You're glad Alex is the one appreciating it at the moment.
She scratches down your back as you run your hands and your lips over every inch of her torso, driving her wild. She scratches even harder when you tease the crease of her underwear and a moan escapes your own mouth.
Alex catches the hint and scratches you harder every time after that. You touch and kiss her faster and more aggressively too and she moans even harder. You've both had a lot of pent up frustration before this, and you're finally getting your respective release.
You push Alex up off the couch and slide her underwear down quickly, pull your own pants down and climb on top of her so your bodies are touching. The contact of skin turns the both of you on even more and all you want to do is be inside her, fucking her senseless.
You don’t waste anymore time and slide your hand down her body slowly and tease her clit.
“Maggie,” Alex huffs out, her eyes half opening in between breathy moans.
“Mhm?”
“Just fuck me,” Alex groans, grabs you by the back of your neck and connects your lips.
You slide two fingers inside of Alex's folds and she's soaked. You don't know what else you were expecting, but she, this , feels so fucking good.
You're not sure how you got here - fucking Alex on her couch - but you're thankful when you take her into your mouth until she comes.
Twice.
//
Two hours and a bunch of orgasms later, you're both naked under the sheets of her bed. Alex is lying on your chest and you’ve never felt more content in your life. You run your fingers through her hair and she nuzzles into your neck. You feel her smile into your skin and you can't help but do the same.
“I love you,” you say into her hair, and it feels so freeing.
“I love you too,” Alex smiles back. “I'm glad you came over, despite my having to be up for a twelve hour shoot tomorrow.”
Your eyes dart over to the alarm clock on her nightstand and it reads 1:37am.
“Shit, it's late. I'm sorry,” you apologize. But you're not the least bit apologetic when she props herself up on her elbow to look at you.
“I'm not,” Alex grins. “I just nailed the love of my life for two hours.”
You don't waste any time and kiss her for a few moments before getting back to playing with her hair.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” the other woman replies, rubbing your arm with her long, slender fingers.
“What happened to that girl you were with that night at Nino’s?”
“Oh, her. It didn't exactly work out,” she sighed, tracing a few freckles on your chest with her pointer finger. “She got mad that I kept mentioning my ex- or who she assumed was my ex.”
Her eyes met yours then and they practically glistened.
“Oh, you meant me,” you laugh lightly. And you're so relieved to hear that. You didn't want to go into this with Alex with baggage on either end. “She assumed I was your ex? I’m clearly your current.”
“Yeah, you can see how well moving on went for me,” Alex joked, pointing between the two of you. “It’s going to make work pretty awkward. She’s one of the PAs.”
You just laugh, because of course Alex would grow close with a PA. But you’re relieved - you got everything you’ve ever wanted in your arms and a role in a TV series you really care about. You can’t complain about anything right now.
“Hey Alex? Do you want to.. .move on a few more times before we go to sleep?”
Alex flips positions and straddles you.
“Thought you'd never ask, Sawyer.”