Emerald eyes became a haunting sight for Camila Cabello. Those precious, gem coloured iris’ didn’t always grip her heart tight and spin her head round. No, one time, not to long ago, emerald eyes were her home.
But Camila Cabello hasn’t been home in a really long time. And even if she was to return, walk through the front door of her once beloved comfort, she doesn’t think she’d even recognize the place. As if the furniture had been rearranged or the walls repainted, Camila’s home wasn’t what it used to be. It didn’t matter how desperately she searched for it, it was gone.
That was the exact topic of her newest piece. Camila sat low on the tiled, cold hotel bathroom floor, a laptop by her side, and a buzzing brain in overdrive. She was writing, because hell, she didn’t know what else to do.
Her mouth couldn’t speak no matter how hard she tried, the only sounds she’s made in hours are pathetic sobs.
It was only with delicate fingers gliding across a familiar keyboard in front of her dimly lit computer screen that her messy thoughts could finally spill out.
Everything she’s ever wanted to say, every anxiety she’s ever wanted to scream, every love confession she’s ever wanted to declare, every heartbreak she’s ever wanted to cry, all finally coming out on an untitled word document.
She couldn’t believe what had happened today. It was never supposed to end that way. No one was ready, Camila wasn’t ready, the girls weren’t ready, Lauren…
But she wasn’t allowed to think about that.
It only took 4 years to drill it into their heads, but the lesson stuck clearly now.
Camila wanted to scream as she pushed her laptop away from herself. Abruptly, she stood up, thin black socks padding across the tile towards to the mirror on the other side of the small room.
Her cheeks were rosy, her eyes were glassy, and luscious brown locks fell messily in untidy strides all around her.
On the outside, she looked awful. Exhausted and tear stained. On the inside, her tired heart thumped lazily against her chest, slowly squeezing in on itself tighter and tighter as the time passed.
The air around her was thin, and it felt as if her lungs couldn’t take enough of it in to satisfy the demands of her suffocating body.
Everything was moving so fast, and the reflected image staring back at her was becoming fuzzy and dark. She shot a hand out, desperately trying to settle the foggy static taking up residence in her soul.
She thinks she heard a whimper escape her throat, before her cold hand was sliding down a marble counter, and the world went black.
******************************
“Pick up dammit,” Lauren muttered into her phone. She’s lost count of how many times she’s dialled the number.
It took a lot of courage for her to even pick up her phone in the first place.
Green eyes glared worriedly at another dropped called displayed on her screen. At this point, Lauren has chewed her lip raw, and probably ran her hand through her already tousled hair enough times to turn it into a disaster scene.
Lauren knew a lot of things about a certain chocolate-eyed, cuban princess. She knew that sometimes, she locked herself away in isolation for up to days because the world around her became a place to fear instead of a place to flourish. She knew that she loved much too easily, and gave her heart away with a beaming, trust-filled smile to anyone who promised to take good care of it, and she knew that a part of her soul died each time she watched her heart be mistreated by someone who was supposed to only love her. She knew that these past few months of the 7/27 tour, Camila cried herself to sleep in her bunk and then claimed nothing was wrong by morning. She knew that Camila helplessly scrolled through twitter, picking apart the pieces of her entire being just like everyone else did, and then casually brush it off by tweeting some light hearted content. She knew that Camila was practically dying inside because there was this part of her soul that she could never be honest about, because that simply wasn’t allowed.
Lauren spent 4 years getting to know her quirky counterpart, 4 years laughing with her (and sometimes at her, but only when she did something insanely dorky and cute like trip over her own feet during rehearsals, or tell one of her mediocre, but loveable jokes), 4 years caring about her, being a shoulder to cry on and vice versa, but most importantly, 4 years falling in love with her.
But that wasn’t allowed. So they regressed their feelings into a quiet, but aching dull. They regressed, and let their souls grow apart until it drove them to insanity. They stopped the less than innocent hand holding, the meaningful glances, the insistent cuddling. They stopped until simply being in a room alone together became awkward, and every encounter became rushed.
It didn’t matter how hard their hearts longed for the other, because some hearts were forbidden to love, and theirs happened to fall on that list.
“Dialling Camz….”
Lauren huffed as she let the device ring in her ears for an unholy amount of times.
Camila wasn’t picking up, and Lauren was scared.
She knew the younger girl may have wanted space right now, but also knew she wouldn’t have ignored her this many times.
Camila never went this long without returning a call. Or a text. Or a twitter DM for that matter. Lauren had sent them all.
Yet, it seemed that tonight she’d only be met with radio silence.
Something didn’t feel right.
Lauren ran her hand through her black mane once again, and wordlessly picked up her jacket.
*********************
Camila eventually came too, in a state of sweaty panic and choppy breaths. Her back was flat against the stiff wall, and her entire bottom half has already gone numb and prickly, but she couldn’t bring herself to move an inch.
A few meters away from her, her cellphone laid facedown on the floor, and her laptop half shut beside it. She couldn’t reach for it to call for help, she couldn’t reach for anything. She was trapped, betrayed by her own body. She wasn’t sure anyone would answer her call for help anyway.
So instead she just sat, shaking in her own bubble of anxiety, letting short breaths of air enter her lungs, and white knuckles grip her knees hard enough to bruise.
Anxiety attacks were something Camila grew used to having these past couple months. She’s always struggled with the disorder, ever since she was a kid. But before recently, it was always something she could manage. Lately though, the persistent hum against her pounding skull was something she couldn’t control anymore. It ate her up entirely, devouring her body into nothingness. All that was left was a lonely soul, trying to scream out for a saviour who couldn’t hear her.
Camila’s cheeks were wet with tears, but she didn’t even feel them spill. Everything around her was frozen, and her mind was shut off, not a sound was heard, not a sight was seen, not a touch was felt. All that was left was her shaky intake of air into her lungs, nothing else was registering. She couldn’t concentrate on anything besides the task of breathing, because if she didn’t she was afraid she’d forget how to.
And so this is how she continued for almost an hour. Although it only felt like minutes to her hazy brain.
By this point, her knees really were forming bruises from the tight grip, her face was permanently stained, and she still hadn’t moved from her cocoon of solitude.
In the other room, a door was opening. Lauren entered the eerily silent hotel room with a terrible sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. A quick lie to the front desk easily got her into the room, but the green eyed girl was suspicious of the lack of effort it truly took her to get here.
Shouldn’t there be someone else here with Camila?
Her agent? Security? Her mom, at least?
Lauren entered a single room though, one bed, one bathroom, and no trace of anyone else was found.
This only worried the singer further as she kept wondering, shutting the door behind her.
“Camz?” Lauren whispered. Too afraid to speak any louder than that, for reasons she didn’t completely understand. They’re relationship was something that terrified them for a long time. The hiding, the lying, the disapproving looks. Lauren doesn’t know if she could bring herself to yell the other girl’s name even if they were the last two people on the planet.
She exhaled a couple of times and stood up straighter. “Camila?” she spoke in a slightly higher volume, walking around the bed, spotting a messily organized suitcase. She knew that was definitely Camila’s, and she couldn’t help the small smile that appeared on her lips, there wasn’t another person in the whole world who so poorly packed a suitcase.
Lauren kept walking, until she reached the bathroom door, and she slowly raised a fist to knock.
The raven-haired girl didn’t believe anyone was in here, after all the room was deadly silent. But she did know this was Camila’s room, so she guessed she’d just have to wait here until she returned and hope the younger one isn’t disappointed to see her.
There was no response to her quiet knock on the bathroom door, but Lauren slid her hand down to the handle anyway.
She latched on and twisted the knob slowly, pushing the door forward, blocking her view for the first couple steps.
Once her view wasn’t obstructed, and Lauren came face to face with the truth, she swore she could feel her heart actually shatter in her chest.
There she was, Camila Cabello, curled up in an impossibly tight ball, eyes glazed over like there was nobody left there to see out of them, tears streaming down her face, but with no sound to accompany them, her body was steadily shaking in its place, and her knuckles were white from the way they tried to hold on to anything that could ground her back down to the real world. She was a shell of person, at best.
Lauren couldn’t bring herself to rush, afraid of startling the other girl, or afraid of all of this being real, she wasn’t sure. Probably both.
She took deliberate strides over to her, coming to a stop in front of Camila and taking notice in the fact that it didn’t even look like the shaking girl noticed another presence in the room.
Lauren sunk to her knees right in front of her friend, and tried to meet her glassy eyes, but couldn’t succeed in the task.
“Camila,” she spoke gently.
No response came. No acknowledgement.
“Camila please,” Lauren felt her voice crack involuntarily.
She felt absolutely defeated as she stared back at the broken girl. How did they let it come to this? It was never supposed to come to this.
The raven haired girl thought back to the first time she met Camila at X Factor. Just a shy, dorky teenage girl so afraid of her own strength and talent that she hid it all away. Lauren would’ve never guessed in a million years that her world would collide with such a person as Camila. But she’s so glad it did.
“Hey,” Lauren whispered again, lifting a hand to Camila’s cheek, wiping her tears carefully. “You’re okay, Camz. It’s gonna be okay, I’m here.”
Still, Camila didn’t speak to her, but Lauren thought she could feel the slightest move of the other girl’s head as she subtly leaned further into the green eyed girl’s hand.
Lauren took this a sign to get closer, and so she wrapped the smaller girl around her in a tight hug, forcing her, somewhat, out of the curled position she was locked in.
Camila took a sudden sharp inhale, as the contact finally caught up with her brain.
“La-aur-e-en,” she choked, honestly shocked to see (well, feel) the other girl. Didn’t Lauren hate her now? Didn’t everybody hate her now?
“I’m here,” Lauren promised, squeezing her tighter.
“I-Im sorry,” Camila managed to say, her voice barely audible, half due to the dryness of her throat, and half due to having her face buried in Lauren’s sweater.
“You don’t have to apologize,” The raven haired girl eventually sighed, “Nobody wanted this. Especially this way, but its okay, Camila. It’s okay,” Lauren’s voice turned into a quiet plea as she forced out the last 2 words, trying to keep herself together. “I promise.”
The pair sat on a cold, hard bathroom floor for a long time. Neither wanting to remove themselves from the sought after comfort that they’ve been craving for months. It was the first time Lauren and Camila were properly alone since before the tour even started.
And they couldn’t deny how badly they missed this.
They remember a time they could hold each other every night, a time they could kiss without being afraid of the eyes lurking behind the corner, they could sing stupid love songs on rainy days, and cuddle in the back lounge of the bus when everyone else fell asleep.
They were lovers, they were bandmates, but first they were best friends, and somewhere along the way they allowed that to be stolen from them by an iron fist and a strict contract.
“Lauren?” A voice asked some time later.
“Yes,” she replied, and slowly pulled back from the girl in her arms.
“Why…” Camila started with her head down, nervously.
“Why what, Camz?” Lauren lifted her chin, to really look at her for the first time that night.
Camila sighed deeply, and tried her hardest to soak up the courage those haunting emerald eyes were giving her.
“Why are you here?”
Lauren cocked her head to the side. Thinking about the question, she didn’t really know the answer. She was here for a lot of reasons, she was here because nothing was going to be the same after today, and although it tears her heart into tiny pieces, there’s something inside of her that’s hopeful for the change. She’s here because she was worried, and because Camila means the whole wide world to her, and she was here because in the midst of a storm, there was only one person she wanted to see. Always.
“Why would I be anywhere else?” Lauren dryly chuckled, because really that’s all she could muster up the guts to say.
Camila doesn’t know how to respond. How to tell the girl she loves that she’s never been more grateful, how to tell the girl she loves that her entire world is crumbling and the only thing that’s keeping her heart beating is her. How do you tell the girl you love that you love her?
“Hey, you wanna get up off this floor?” Lauren questions, unable to take the stiffness in her legs anymore.
Camila nods, and so the girls make their way out of the bathroom, the younger one’s computer and phone forgotten on the floor.
Once Camila is standing next to the bed, Lauren hurries over to the catastrophe she calls her suitcase to grab a tshirt and some pajamas shorts.
“Put your arms up,” Lauren requests softly. And then she helps the other girl change into the new clothes relatively quickly, before slipping on a pair of Camila’s sweatpants to steal for the night.
They climb into bed after that, now both with tear stained faces. The crying has made them exhausted but their eyes would never even think of closing right now. Theres still so much to be said, so much they may never be able to say.
“Are you okay?” Lauren starts, once they’re facing each other in a dark room and comfortable bed.
“No,” Camila confesses honestly, one of the few times she ever was about her own feelings.
“I can’t believe it’s really over today,” she continues.
“I know you weren’t ready,” Lauren finds her hand tangled up in brown locks suddenly. Neither girl comment on it, but Camila sighs pleasantly at the feeling.
“To be honest, I don’t know if I would ever be ready to really leave. If..If I wasn’t for management posting that message last night, I may have never done it myself,” Camila admits, looking down at herself, almost shamefully.
“But…now you can be happy right? This is what you wanted…eventually, right?” Lauren asks seriously. They’ve had countless conversations about Camila’s solo endeavours, they all knew the youngest cuban was unhappy and felt trapped under a reign she didn’t agree with and a contract that didn’t allow her to be herself. In all honestly, all of the 5 girls felt trapped. They wanted to make their fans happy, and they loved making music, but it didn’t change the fact that the music industry was very different from what they thought following their dreams would be like. They’ve been pushed around for 4 years, told what to do, torn apart and reconstructed in whatever way the bosses deemed fit, and they were so so tired.
Although Camila’s departure hurt, they could never really blame her. Because who would want to stay here? Who would want to be so unhappy.
“Yeah,” Camila said, although it the words were unconvincing to Lauren’s ear. “I’m just gonna miss you, I’m gonna miss all of you so much.”
“You haven’t lost us, Camz,” the band member insisted, scooting closer to the other girl so they were just almost touching.
“Lauren, I think I lost you a long time ago,” the words are so honest and raw, that the green eyed girl doesn’t know what to do with herself. The running hand through Camila’s hair suddenly stops, and the smaller one can feel a burning gaze on her lowered pupils.
“I never wanted us to end. You know that don’t you? We didn’t have a choice,” Lauren sighs, “They didn’t want two group members to be together. I tried so hard to fight for this Camila, but I couldn’t…” she starts to rasp the rest of her words, “I couldn’t do it anymore. It hurt so bad to be so close to you but not be allowed to really have you.”
Camila furrows her brows, “It’s okay Lauren, I know. Im exactly the same, I couldn’t take it anymore either. So now I’m here.”
And then they moved closer again, so they were flush against each other. Hugging. Lauren with her arms wrapped so firmly around the smaller one’s shoulders, and Camila with her hands meeting around the taller one’s waist. Soaking up every last bit of each other was a privilege they didn’t have before today, so they didn’t take the interaction for granted.
“Do you think we’ll be okay one day Lauren?” Camila asked.
“Well hey, anything can happen, after all.”