Chapter 1
Carmilla and Laura were, in the words of everyone around them, the perfect pair. Anyone could see it- in their eyes when they looked at each other, in the way their fingers interlocked when they held hands, in the way their faces seemed to glow whenever they were together. Nobody ever expected anything bad to happen in their relationship. Hell, they all thought they would be getting married next summer. They had it all planned out: Kirsch was going to be best man and Perry had been promised the maid of honour position. They wanted it to be on the beach where they first met, with only their closest family and friends attending. It was to be the wedding of their dreams and everyone was looking forward to it more than children look forward to Christmas.
So it obviously came as a surprise to everyone when Laura told both her and Carmilla’s families that it was over between them. Between sobs, she told her father and a few of Carmilla’s relatives what happened. The news spread like wildfire around the families, with the story changing slightly with each retelling as it always does.
Carmilla left Laura, a week before Laura had the courage to tell anyone. In fact, she hadn’t been able to leave her apartment-their apartment-all week. It had all happened so quickly: one day, Carmilla was laughing, smiling, joking with Laura every day; the next, Carmilla was shouting, crying, storming around the house packing a bag.
Leaving.
Laura couldn’t say any more after she told them this, her voice cracking and a heart-wrenching sob rippled through her whole body, leaving her weak and unable to continue. Nobody tried to make her say any more. They understood that she needed time to recover and that she’d talk when she was ready, she always did. Carmilla’s family left the room silently and left Laura in the comforting arms of her father. He brought her to her bedroom and gently lay her down, tucking the warm blankets around her. He stroked her hair comfortingly and softly kissed her forehead.
‘Carmilla used to do that.’ Laura said quietly after her tears had subsided somewhat. Her father was already at the door, but turned around when he heard that, tears collecting in his eyes for the first time in over a decade. He opened his mouth to say something, but shut it again quickly. His words would have fallen on deaf ears. Laura had fallen fast asleep. He sighed sadly and turned off the light, closing the door behind him as he left the room.
She didn’t tell them why she left, however. She couldn’t bring it up in front of her own, or Carmilla’s, parents. She didn’t know how they would react and she didn’t want them to judge Carmilla in any way.
It happened when Carmilla went to university one day and a new girl, Inês, ended up in her Philosophy class. They sat together and ended up being close friends by the end of the semester. Carmilla and Laura were planning on going to the Christmas party together, but Inês had other ideas. She asked Carmilla to go with her and she couldn’t say no. After all, Carmilla was one of her only friends and she knew everyone had a date sorted from the start of the semester, so she agreed. Long story short, something happened between the two of them at the party. And Laura couldn’t forgive her. They argued for days about it, until it got too much for Carmilla. She told Laura she would much rather be with Inês and packed a bag. She stormed out without another word.
***
After this day, Laura had next to no motivation to get out of bed each day. She didn’t see the point; why should she greet another day without the one thing, the one person, in her life that made it worth living? Her father and even some of Carmilla’s family tried to get her out of the house and talking to her friends again, but their attempts were in vain. She often overheard whispered conversations between the two families. Mostly they were about Carmilla. Whenever Laura heard her name mentioned, she hid behind the door like young children do and listened carefully to what they were saying, trying to piece together what was going on. She had managed to gather that Carmilla had returned home only once, and this was simply to collect a few of her belongings. She left within the hour. Nobody knew she was there at the time, as it was 2am. She had left them a note saying she probably wouldn’t return, but that she loved them all. It gave her so much pain, so much that it felt as if she was physically dying. She hated that the only way she could find out what her fucking fiancée was doing was through listening to other people’s conversations. She hated that this would probably be the only way she would ever know what she was doing. But what she hated the most was the knowledge that everything that was happening was her fault.
Nobody said it; she just knew. Carmilla got angry and upset because of her, Carmilla left because of her, Carmilla was on the run because of her. Her life was falling apart just as it had begun to be repaired and it was entirely her fault. She didn’t know how she would ever live with the guilt weighing her down more than a ton of bricks ever could.
For the next few years, this was how Laura lived. She hardly ever had enough energy to get out of bed in the morning, let alone go to university or to work on the weekends. She hardly ate and spent most of the day scrolling through old text and email conversations with Carmilla, wallowing in self-pity and refusing to do anything to help herself. Kirsch, Perry and LaFontaine tried to cheer her up and get her to start to get her life back on track, but it was no use. She wasn’t even trying, which was hugely out of character for Laura. Usually she wouldn’t give up on anything, but it looked like Carmilla had undone all of that. She no longer saw any point in doing anything important. After all, if the one person who she would be doing it for wasn’t around, why do it at all? There was no other way she thought she could live.
Some days, she wasn’t even sure if she wanted to live at all.
***
Meanwhile, Carmilla was in as much pain, if not more, than Laura. She just dealt with it in a different way. Every new day meant a new couch to crash on, a new girl’s embrace to wake up in, a new party to get blackout drunk at. Underneath her tough exterior, however, she was in excruciating, unbearable pain. She would cry herself to sleep most nights clutching a beer bottle in one hand, wiping her tears away with the other. She wasn’t used to opening herself up this much to anyone, so when she finally did with Laura, their split hurt more than Carmilla thought anything ever could. She had never experienced anything like it, and she knew that it was her fault. She was the one who walked away when they could have talked through it like they always did, leaving both of them empty shells of the happy young women they once were. Nobody knew this, however. She hadn’t talked to any of her family or friends back home in the three years since she had left her home. Her home…
Tears started to fall as she thought back to the life she had with Laura. There was no other way she could describe it other than what she had always wanted, what she had always needed. Laura was her escape from the harsh reality of the world, Laura was someone who she thought would always be there, Laura was her everything. And now she had screwed that up and she was living on takeout and alcohol. She could faintly hear a girl asking her if she was okay over the ear-splittingly loud music at the party she was currently in. She felt the girl’s arms tighten around her waist and a soft kiss was placed on her lips. Carmilla looked down at the smaller blonde girl and shouted to her that she needed some air. The girl- Ell, she thought her name was- led her upstairs, where it was much quieter. She sat Carmilla down on the edge of a bed and ran out of the room. She returned seconds later with some aspirin and a glass of water, then sat down on the bed beside her.
‘Thanks.’ Camilla mumbled after she’d taken the medicine. The girl smiled and slowly walked in front of Carmilla, sitting on her lap.
‘Y’know, I reckon I could make you feel better than those pills ever could.’ She whispered in Carmilla’s ear as she sat down slowly on top of her. She started kissing her collarbone, her neck, working her way up and eventually making her way to Carmilla’s lips, kissing her more and more intensely. Even while she was doing this, all Carmilla could think about was Laura. How was she doing? Was she okay? And most importantly, would she ever forgive Carmilla for what she did to her? When Elle started to push up Carmilla’s shirt, however, she lost her train of thought and, once again, gave in to this girl that she knew she would never see again.
***
It was all getting too much for Laura to handle. The guilt, the sorrow, the emptiness in her heart- she had lost the will to live. It may have been three and a half years (3 years and 174 days, to be exact-she was keeping count) since their relationship had come to an abrupt end, but the wound still felt as if it had been inflicted yesterday. She couldn’t understand how something could hurt her so badly. It was like a part of her had died the day Carmilla left. the part of her that smiled, that laughed at every little thing, the part of her that was happy. Truly happy.
And she couldn’t live without it.
She found herself getting dressed for the first time in as long as she could remember. She put on a blue shirt that Carmilla always loved, a pair of jeans and, with tears in her eyes, she fastened the cat necklace Carmilla had bought for her on their first anniversary around her neck. She sighed sadly and left her house. She didn’t pick up her keys. She knew she wouldn’t need them.
She stepped outside into the crisp autumn air, breathing in deeply. She hadn’t breathed fresh air in so long and she wanted to remember this feeling for as long as she could. She began walking a path she had walked hundreds of times before whenever she was stressed or worried about something. Carmilla knew this too, and always found her here if she ever lost track of where she was. It was special to both of them, because it was where Carmilla had proposed to Laura. As she walked on, she remembered that day. She remembered every detail- the way the sun was setting and throwing a golden glow over them, the typical ripped jeans and black T-shirt Carmilla was wearing, the indescribable feeling when she got down on one knee and pulled out that ring. The ring that Laura still wore, and would likely wear for the rest of her life. After all, she would never find someone she loved as much as she loved Carmilla.
As she reached the bridge she was looking for, she was overwhelmed with emotion. The sun was setting in the same way as that day, casting looming shadows all around her. She sat down on a rock beside the bridge until she could stand. She felt sick. Why did she come here? Why on earth would she think this was a good idea? Of all the places in the world, she chose to come to this goddamn bridge. It felt like someone had punched her in the stomach and she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think straight. She sat with her head in her hands for a while, until she was able to walk across the bridge. Wave after wave of memories and emotions washed over her in a relentless torrent, refusing to let her go. Somehow, she reached the middle of the bridge, in the spot that they were looking out over the river below when Carmilla proposed. She let out a sad sigh and watched the rapid flow of water beneath her. How easy it would be to just let go now, she thought to herself. How easy it would be to just end the pain…
***
Carmilla couldn’t put up with this anymore. She realised it when she woke up to Ell kissing her neck behind her in the morning. Her head was throbbing from the night before, yet she had never had a clearer thought. It hit her like a ton of bricks. She needed to go back. She needed to see Laura again. Even if it she slammed the door shut in her face, she just needed to see her, to hear her voice again. It was killing her. Not seeing her face when she woke up, not falling asleep in her arms. Nothing else mattered. She would drop everything for that girl. The girl she still wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She gently turned around to face Ell and placed one final kiss on her lips. As much as it killed her that she was kissing someone other than Laura, she knew she had to. For the girl’s sake. Ell immediately knew something was wrong and tipped Carmilla’s chin up to look her in the eye.
‘You have to go, don’t you,’ She said flatly, sadness evident in her voice. Carmilla pulled her into an embrace. When she let go, she simply said ‘Yes.’
Once Carmilla had gotten dressed, she looked at Ell once more. She had been staring at Carmilla the whole time, Carmilla could feel her eyes watching her. She walked over to the bed and kissed her cheek, not lingering for a second.
‘Goodbye, Ell.’ Without waiting for a reply, she walked hastily out of the room and out of the house, ignoring wolf-whistles and drunken comments from party-goers who were too drunk to leave last night. She hopped on her bike and started cycling. It was 8am; if she wanted to get to their place before sunset, she would have to be fast.
She arrived just as the sun was setting. She cycled up the bridge and kept going until she reached the middle. She noticed that someone was there, but didn’t take much notice of them. It was a beautiful sunset and this was a perfect place to see it. She got off her bike and quietly put it down, so as not to disturb the person on the bridge. She sat down opposite them, looking out the other way. Memories rushed back to her mind and she felt tears pricking at her eyes. She had proposed to the love of her life here. And now she was here, she might be able to fix what they once had. What she had shattered into a million pieces when shut that door. What she knew she could never repair. But she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she didn’t even try.
***
Laura’s breathing had quickened to the verge of hyperventilation at the thoughts that had taken over her mind.
You could end your suffering here…
It would be so easy…
It couldn’t possibly hurt as much as you are hurting right now…
Just jump…
She had been having thoughts like this for longer than she could remember. A voice, deep and threatening, in her mind. It had made her do some stupid things in the past and it wasn’t about to let Laura out of its hold on her. She couldn’t tell anyone about it. They’d just send her to therapy or something and she couldn’t deal with a stranger trying to get into her mind. The voice was right. It would be so easy. So easy to just stop all her pain. So easy to make it all go away.
All of a sudden, she heard a thud behind her, as if someone was putting down a bike, perhaps. She sighed, all thoughts dissipating from her mind. She felt oddly…calm. Relaxed, even. She didn’t know why, nothing had happened. Except the person behind her. Laura took a deep breath in and turned around. Immediately, her breathing hitched and she froze in a state of pure shock and confusion. it couldn’t be…could it? Only she could her feel that calm, even if she was oblivious to it. But she’d been gone for years. She had left, after all. It was impossible. And yet, Laura knew, somewhere inside her, that it was. With tears of hope in her eyes, she spoke.
‘Carmilla?’