awe (n.)
how do you forgive and forget with yourself?
i had always seen forgiveness as a burden, something only those with the burden of guilt were able to acquire, and i always wondered if you knew that about me. it was such a horrible thinking, and i knew no better on having to analyze the intangible incoherencies of self-pity.
but when you caught me in an embrace while tears of inferiority and inadequacy were streaming down my face that one night, where i thought i was alone in my shared room with tzuyu and dahyun-unnie, you whispered in my ear and said that it was alright. (how did you even know i was crying? what was i even crying about?) how can someone so pristine like you willingly stick by someone so selfish and filthy like myself?
i could only wonder.
confide (v.)
somehow, the group's initial 5-minute-talk in the living room had ended up like this: you were crying about missing your family back in japan, with momo-unnie and sana-unnie cooing terms of comfort in each of your ears and jihyo-unnie soothingly stroking the small of your back.
and maybe it was just me, but when we (accidentally, i think) locked eyes, somewhere in there - i watched them soften. then you stood up and smiled, i'm alright. i'm alright. thank you, you told them.
but thank you, you mouthed to me.
control (n.)
chaeyoung doesn't understand the erratic beats of her heart whenever she sees mina. she's pretty sure she's never failed to skip any of her biology classes last semester, so she really doesn't get why her heart feels like it wants to fly out of her ribcages, and up, up, up to the sky whenever she sees mina.
but jungyeon says it's okay even if she doesn’t understand it, because she's "just growing up."
well, if growing up means having less control of your bodily anatomy, then chaeyoung thinks she'd rather just stay a foolish child forever.
crescendo (n.)
i still remember the sight so vividly: your eyes were shut tight, your face was scrunched up with just the right amount of emotion and your hand that wasn't holding the microphone seemed to be clutching onto the passion that radiated from you, with every note you were belting.
they were like steps, and i followed and followed until i reached the top. you were there.
it was the first time i considered the thought that i might've fallen in love with you. although your notes were strong, heads up and confident, for me, it was the starting point of uncertainty.
and just like the crescendo of your notes,-- higher, higher, higher, then just like that-- bam! (or was it more of a whoosh?), i fell in love with you.
discomfort (n.)
dahyun switched rooms with you today, so now you're stuck with me. (haha.)
you say you don't like the dip of my weight on the bed, the way i always leave the toothpaste tube uncapped - you say it baffles you enough to keep a rainstorm above the crown of your head all day.
tzuyu hates it too. but it's only you embracing me at night telling me, it's fine. i still love you.
discovery (n.)
it was the time we bonded over playful banter and laughter with cups of hot cocoa warming our palms (and hearts) on that one day-off that i decided i may be in love with you. i don't know precisely when the thought humbly graced into my mind, calmly, even when i deemed love as terrible dangerous then... but when you rested your hands (that were trembling of what i think was chaste desire) on my shoulders and you leaned in to press your soft lips against mine, i knew.
disengaged (adj.)
i had never thought this day would have happened.
what about us? what about the group? what about the other girls!? you yelled. i could only sob in response.
enamored (adj.)
you fix my hair and hold my hands while forgetting about the hundreds, thousands, millions, of eyes on us.
endearment (n.)
i (had attempted to) bake you breakfast that morning. we sat down in the dining table, and talked about how the night before had been and i told you how shy you were acting when we first kissed last night. you don't say anything, merely smiling when you poke your fork at the chocolate croissants on your plate.
and i'm about to get off of my seat to ruffle your hair until you hit me at the neck, shut up, chaeyoung. were you blushing?
it doesn't matter. eitherway, we both start laughing. i love you.
flaw (n.)
you know i hate waking up early but you still manage to set your alarm in full, blaring volume in the ungodly hour of five in the morning.
but today, you left the lights on when you were fumbling with your clothes and preparing to leave for whatever schedule you have. (people are always swarming to get a glimpse of your swan-like strides), and i wake up hours later to find out that you've accidentally used my toothbrush from the haste. there's a red-post it beside it, the color you've learned to grow fond of, that reads, i accidentally used your toothbrush today, sorry! i'll make it up to you and treat you to dinner tonight.
p.s but don't tell the girls. take care! love you!
kind of annoying, but well, okay. i can live with that.
perpetual (adj.)
i came across a documentary of quantum physics the other day, and i thought about the possibility of multiple worlds paralleling within a single and universal coverage of time. would we still have met? would there still be TWICE? would there still be us, and would we still have fallen in love? would i still have a choice if then?
although it doesn't really matter, because i know i'd always choose you.
somewhere in the tangle of those multiple worlds, i know we'd still find our way to each other, your route coincidentally intersecting mine or vice versa, and i know i'd always choose you.
(keyword: always)
swan (n.)
this word reminds me of you. you better find that endearing.
zenith (n.)
mina myoui, i hate you, because you're the epitome of hypocrisy.
i hate how you tuck your hair behind your ear, and how you look so serene with that dumbfounded smile you wear most of the time. i hate your japanese-tinged korean accent. i hate your burgundy hair, and how i think it would be a beautiful contrast to my chestnut ones.
but most of all, i hate how perhaps we're meant to be - because i am the epitome of irony; because in all honesty, i'm lying - i don't hate you. i hate the fact that i'm so, so, in love with you, and i don't want it anymore.
i hate to admit that you are my zenith - the highest point in the sky, in the entire celestial sphere - it is you.
i hate you, myoui mina. i hate you so, so much.
(but my love is greater.)