Regret
After walking into her room, Lexa closed the door and leaned against it. Closing her eyes, she took multiple deep breaths to try to calm herself. She could not believe what Clarke just told her. Not only did Lexa have to leave Clarke but Wells, he left Clarke too. Clarke had to finish high school without either of her childhood best friends next to her. The thought of this pained Lexa.
She didn't know how to process all this information. She decides to lay in bed and hopes sleep will come to her. Unfortunately it doesn’t. She lays there wide away with thousands of thoughts and emotions rushing through her.
She hears the door open and she knows that Octavia is back. She lays still to try and make Octavia think she was asleep but it doesn't work because Octavia starts to talk to her “Lexa, are you awake?”
“Yeah, O I am” answers Lexa
“Are you okay? I don’t know exactly what you and Clarke talked about in the hall but I saw how Clarke was after and I wanted to check on you”
Hearing this Lexa sits up. How Clarke was after? “I will be okay and what do you mean how Clarke was after?”
“Well I could tell she has been crying and she just seemed sad” Octavia tells her
“We had an emotional conversation that I don’t think either of us were really prepared for” Lexa tells Octavia without giving too much away.
Octavia accepts that answer and gets ready for bed. Soon both the girls are trying to fall asleep. Lexa can hear soft snores and can tell Octavia is already sleeping. Lexa wishes she could sleep but it seems nearly impossible right now. Grabbing her phone she sees that she has a text from her girlfriend.
Cos (10:05): Hey baby, I hope you had a good night.
Lexa (11:15): Sorry babe I just got this. I hope you had a good night too
Cos (11:20): It’s okay, come over tomorrow morning?
Lexa (11:22): Of course, I’ll be there early since I know you have work
Cos (11:30): Sounds good, Goodnight baby I love you
Lexa (11:36): Goodnight, love you too
Setting her phone back down, she tries to sleep. Eventually she does and she sleeps for a few hours. When Lexa wakes up again she checks the time and sees that its 4:30 in the morning. Knowing that she won’t be able to sleep anymore, Lexa gets up and decides to go for a nice long run.
Quietly she gets up and changes into her workout gear. She doesn't want to wake up Octavia. Leaving the dorm building Lexa sets off to do an 8 mile run. After her run she gets back to the dorm so that she can shower before heading to Costia’s place.
Once she is showered and dressed, Lexa sends a text to Costia to let her know that she is heading over there.
Lexa (6:30): Good morning babe, I’m going to be heading to your place. See you soon.
After sending the text, Lexa quietly leaves her dorm room. Making her way to her car, she heads off to Costia’s apartment. Since its early, she hits no traffic and manages to get to her girlfriend’s apartment in 20 minutes. Lexa parks outside the apartment building and checks her phone seeing she has a text from Costia.
Cos (6:45): Morning baby. I’ll see you when you get here.
Lexa texts her back to let her know that she is here.
Lexa (6:51): I’m here
Cos (6:52): Okay come up, the door is unlocked
Lexa (6:52): Be right there
Getting out of her car Lexa heads up to the apartment building. She uses the key Costia gave her to open the front door and heads up the stairs. Reaching the 2nd floor, she walks to her girlfriends apartment and opens the front door. She hasn’t even stepped through the threshold before Costia runs up to her and pulls her into a tight hug.
Costia notices that Lexa doesn't react like she normally does. She immediately knows that something is bothering her girlfriend. She pulls back and looks at Lexa’s face. It is showing no emotion, per usual, so now she has no idea what is wrong with her girlfriend so she decides to ask. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
Shutting the door, Lexa heads over to the couch and sit down. “It’s nothing babe.”
Costia doesn't believe her at all “Clearly something is bothering you” she says after sitting down on the couch next to Lexa.
“I just don’t want to talk about it right now” Lexa says to her
Costia is starting to get annoyed now. Lexa never wants to talk about her feelings. She knows exactly what this is about. Her girlfriend has been acting weird ever since she had a run in with a ghost from her past. “This is about her isn't it?”
Lexa has no idea who her girlfriend is talking about. “Who are you even talking about Cos?”
“Clarke” Costia says with no emotion in her voice “You’ve been acting different ever since you ran into her on campus. I’m guessing how your acting right now has to do with her.”
“I have not been acting different” Lexa defends herself.
“Yes you have Lexa. Did you think I wouldn't notice? How we suddenly started spending more time together after you saw her. You're using this relationship to avoid her because you're still in love with her. Admit it Lexa”
Lexa doesn't know how to respond to this but she getting mad of what her girlfriend is accusing her of, even if its partly right “I am not in love with her. We started spending more time together Cos because our relationship needed it”
Costia sighs “Our relationship did need it Lexa but right now were backtracking on all the progress we’ve made. You need to talk to me about how you’re feeling for our relationship to work.
Lexa knows this is true, she just doesn't know how to do it. The only person she was ever able to talk to about her feelings was Clarke. But when her family had to leave, she stopped talking about her feelings all together. Lexa loves Costia so she knows she needs to open up.
Lexa looks up at her girlfriend and sighs. “Last night I found out one of my childhood best friends died junior year of high school. I couldn't be there for his father, for my friends. I had no choice. It eating me alive because something huge happened and I couldn't be there.”
“You mean you couldn't be there for Clarke and that’s what you feel bad about” Costia says in reply.
Lexa is taken back by that, she didn't want sympathy but her girlfriend didn't even try to comfort her. She takes a deep breathe before answering.
“Of course I feel bad about that!” Lexa yells “She became my best friend the day she was born. Our parents always had us around each other until we were old enough to choose that we wanted to hangout with each other. She was the only true friend I had growing up until we met Wells in the 5th grade. We were best friends and when my family had to leave, a part of me was okay because I knew that she still had Wells. Wells would be there for her throughout high school, while I couldn't be. I knew that Clarke would have one of her best friends there with her when she walked across that stage and received her diploma. But last night- last night I found out that she had to walk across that stage without either of her childhood best friends there, cheering for her. So yes I feel bad I couldn’t be there for my childhood best friend when she needed me the most. And I know I had no control of the situation, I know I couldn't be there because it was unsafe but it doesn’t change how I feel now. I regret it”
By the time Lexa finishes explaining it to Costia, she is crying sobbing. Hearing that confession and seeing Lexa cry, Costia is stunned. The two years they have been together, Costia has never seen Lexa cry. She feels bad.
“Baby I’m so sorry. I thought you were in love with Clarke, I didn’t know that you guys were best friends basically your entire life. That explains everything. I am so sorry, I really am” Costia hugs Lexa as tight as she can and just holds her.
After a few minutes, Lexa stops crying completely and the emotion is gone from her face. “Thats because we never talked about it. Every time, in the past, that I would try to tell you about it, you would always shut me down”
“I’m sorry Lexa, I always thought she was more to you than a best friend so I never wanted to hear about her. I really am sorry” Costia tries to convince Lexa.
Lexa just sighs hearing this. This is the most her and Costia have communicated, feelings wise, during their entire relationship. Deciding that she doesn't want to deal with this anymore, Lexa tells her girlfriend that it’s okay and she forgives her, and they move on from the conversation.
They deicide to watch a movie during the remaining time they have before Costia has to go to work. Costia can’t stop thinking about how Clarke can evoke such emotion from her girlfriend , while Costia can’t get Lexa to open up even just a little bit. Costia decides right then and there that she hates Clarke Griffin. She now has to do everything in her power to keep Lexa from Clarke because she knows that if they get close again, she will lose Lexa.
The movie ends just in time for Costia to leave for work. They say their goodbyes and Lexa goes to her car to head back to the door, while Costia leaves for her shift at the diner.
Lexa gets back to her door and lays on her bed. The conversation she had with Costia left her both physically and mentally exhausted. It felt good to get her feelings out about Wells death and how she feels knowing Clarke had to go through it alone.
Lexa decides to take a nap but before sleep comes to her, the final thought she has is that she hopes her and Clarke will be able to talk this week.