Chapter XIX
Clarke pulls on Lexa's green hoodie and a pair of mismatched fluffy socks, they're grey and pink today, and she walks sleepily down the hall and into the big open living room where she knows she'll find Lexa. She had the night shift at the hospital, came home in the early morning hours while it was still dark and kissed Lexa softly on her shoulder before drifting off to sleep next to her.
It's now well past lunch and her stomach growls like a lion as she walks up behind Lexa who's sitting at the piano preparing piano lessons for the children at the Kids Center.
"Is there room for one more on this bench?" Clarke says, nostalgia pumping her veins warm and fuzzy, as she wraps her sleepy arms around Lexa's waist and snuggles her nose into the crook of Lexa's neck without waiting for an answer. Even during Winter Lexa smells of a summer breeze and Clarke is infatuated by it.
It's not just Clarke that feels the nostalgia, Lexa does too. "Always," she says as she twists to snake an arm around Clarke's waist to pull her onto the piano bench next to her. Their bodies are facing opposite directions but their eyes find each other like gravity. Like magnets. Like destiny. Like soulmates, if there's ever such a thing.
As if the energy that grows in their eyes is the very essence of what life is about.
Lexa leans in to capture Clarke's lips in a slow kiss, craving the taste and the warmth that spills from them. "Happy Birthday." she murmurs against Clarke's lips, an arm still around her waist. Clarke grins blissfully, still dizzy from the limited sleep after a night shift, her hair roaming free into every possible direction around her head. Lexa loves this Clarke. The morning Clarke, the happy Clarke and the one excitedly awaiting whatever surprise Lexa has prepared for her.
"So... What's the plan, Lex?"
Clarke steals a kiss.
"Lunch." Lexa says matter-of-factly when Clarke's stomach growls again.
"Mh, fair enough... and then?" Clarke raises a hopeful eyebrow.
Lexa grins at her, then shrugs not willing to give away any secret she might have.
Today is January 6th and it's Lexa's birthday on the 10th. When Clarke had asked Lexa what she wanted to do for her birthday Anya had laughed long and hard because Lexa doesn't celebrate her birthday. In fact, she upright refuses. Clarke had frowned at them and Lexa told her that celebrating Clarke's birthday on the 6th would be the best birthday present Clarke could ever give her.
Because Lexa lives to make Clarke happy.
Because growing up as a child of Indra and Gustus Woods meant getting overly expensive presents as to make up for always working too much. Anya accepted them happily saying she might as well get something out of it but Lexa has been refusing to accept birthday presents ever since she became of legal age.
Anya has been giving her sister time instead. Dinners, mostly, and movie nights. If Anya must be honest, she has enjoyed celebrating Lexa's birthday this way and she won't deny that Lexa's principles actually make sense. It makes up for the weak family bond between her and her parents.
And so this year, Lexa is taking Clarke to the concert hall again, this time without stealing any of her senses. She's insisting on treating Clarke like a queen and Clarke will let her because she likes it when Lexa spoils her.
As for Lexa's birthday, Clarke accepts that she doesn't want any presents but she refuses to not at least celebrate it, so she invites Indra and Gustus over for dinner. Anya and Raven are there too, of course, and Anya smirks at her little sister the second their parents enter the house because Lexa has never had a poker face, well, not a believable one, and she's clearly excited to see them. A proper family dinner on her birthday, she can't remember the last time that's happened.
Even Anya is enjoying having them around now.
Who would've thought.
*
Lexa uses her voice more often now, but still only using a few words at a time. To describe complicated things and such, she still uses her notepad. If you ask her she'd tell you that she doesn't expect it to change because she's finally in a good place. It might be unconventional but it works.
Apart from that one time on Costia's anniversary, she still doesn't sing. Between the selective spoken words, her piano music and the delicate body language she's developed with Clarke, she doesn't need another language to express herself.
She's slowly getting more confident with her sign language. Clarke sometimes uses her lunch break to visit Lexa in the Kids Center and she'll often find her talking to the children either with her short sentences or her sign language. It melts Clarke's heart to witness the bright smiles on the children's faces.
They adore Lexa.
Lexa adores them too.
Lexa tells Clarke stories about her day. They're written in Lexa's neat handwriting in her big notebook where she keeps all her memories, the good ones. She started writing again after Costia's anniversary and Clarke thinks it means that Lexa is finally done mourning.
The memories in her notebook always begin with the word Love because she writes them for Clarke and they explain how the children teaches her new words or how they beam with pride when they play a song on the piano without mistakes receiving an even more so proud smile from Lexa. Clarke usually lies on the couch reading Lexa's latest anecdotes while Lexa is playing the piano.
Clarke loves the pride in Lexa's eyes that seems to grow every day now.
Lexa doesn't work at the library anymore, instead she's fully focusing on the Kids Center. Niylah is not only a great co-worker but also one of Lexa's best friends. They go to late lunches once in a while, talking about life and such, and they sometimes ask Clarke to join them but Clarke wants their lunches to be Lexa's thing.
Instead Clarke enjoys Niylah's company at their dinner parties. She was right back then, that Niylah would fit well into the group. She's terrible at chess but she beats Bellamy in Trivial Pursuit and that's an impressive feat no one is able to deny her. Bellamy is a sore loser, always has been, but it seems he doesn't mind it when he loses to Niylah. Her jokes are terrible too but Bellamy smiles at her with affection every time she tells one, and while Clarke is happy that Bellamy has finally found someone else, someone better suited for him to cast his love on, Lexa is just happy to witness the love that slowly grows between two of her best friends.
Who would've thought.
*
Clarke wakes up the morning of February 5th. She has the day off, she always has this day off.
It's Finn's anniversary.
She usually doesn't sleep the night before and then she'll visit him at the graveyard beating herself down over her lost love and how unfair the world is having taken him from her, busting Raven's leg and then leaving herself with just a superficial scar on her chest as a bittersweet souvenir.
This year is different.
It's their anniversary too. Kind of. A year ago Clarke went to visit Finn and she felt alone and depressed and scared when she walked through the park on her way home. She still doesn't know what made her do it, but it hasn't been a day ever since that she didn't feel grateful that she sat down next to the stranger on a bench.
One year.
Lexa has let go of Costia completely and lately, Clarke has been wondering if she needs to let Finn go too. So today she goes to the graveyard alone, picking up two daffodils on her way, hoping to find some closure in this. As she places a daffodil on his grave she realizes she isn't sad about it. Not anymore. A year ago she was devastated, but today she realizes she has stopped mourning Finn.
It's a very simple thing. She looks at the grave and doesn't feel bad. No sadness, no pain, no anxiety. She feels alright and so instead she looks to the Skies. She feels the soft snowflakes melt on her cheeks and she smiles against them thinking about how everything is relative, marveling at the realization that this day has been the worst of all days for three years and from now on it'll have a completely different meaning to her. This day will more than anything else be important to her because it's the anniversary of meeting Lexa for the first time.
She walks by Costia's grave on her way home, leaving a daffodil there too. "Costia, Lexa is growing into an amazing, strong woman. Thank you for loving her," she says before leaving the graveyard.
She smiles at nothing in particular as she walks towards the park where she'll be meeting the love of her life.
Who would've thought.
*
"Is there room for one more on this bench?" Clarke says, taking a seat next to Lexa.
Lexa is hiding under a beanie and a scarf and Clarke chuckles as Lexa raises an eyebrow at her, it's all she can see.
"What... Is it getting old?" Clarke lifts her eyebrows with her question.
Lexa shakes her head, simultaneously breaking free from her scarf and she grins as she leans in to steal a kiss from Clarke's lips. Clarke leans into the kiss because Lexa's lips are much warmer than hers right now. Lexa doesn't mind one bit. Clarke sighs as she finds Lexa's green eyes.
"Can you believe it? One year ago..." Clarke doesn't finish that sentence, she doesn't need to. Lexa can't believe it either and the look in her eyes speaks her answer more clearly than any words put together.
They sit and watch the snowflakes in the air around them for a while. Lexa could sit here forever but she knows it won't be long until Clarke starts whining about being cold, so she gets up from her seat pulling Clarke up with her.
Before they begin their walk home, Clarke takes a photo of the bench with her phone. It's been snowing quite heavily the past half hour and there's clear evidence of two persons having sat on it, quite closely together. She thinks it could make a good drawing. She snaps a photo of Lexa too, snowflakes covering her beanie, and Lexa insist that they at least make one selfie together. It's a good one and Lexa makes a mental note to have it framed soon too.
Once home, Lexa makes them tea and finds them a movie to watch and Clarke joins her a couple of minutes later, in her mismatched fluffy socks and a present in her hands.
"So... I've got a surprise for you and its not your birthday so you will accept it," Clarke says as she takes a seat next to Lexa on the couch. Lexa can sense that Clarke is a bit nervous about it, that it means a great deal to her, so the first thing she does is reach up to push a few loose golden strands of hair behind Clarke's ear. She then snakes her fingers behind Clarke's neck and pulls her in for a kiss. It's an unspoken 'thank you' lingering in the space between them before Lexa looks back at the present in her lap.
Lexa carefully pulls off the wrapping paper to reveal a book, heavy in her hands, maybe three inches thick and with a beautifully detailed cover. It's one of those old-looking brown leathery kind of covers. Lexa runs her fingers down the cover, there's a pattern in a darker brown shade and she knows that Clarke made it because it's her snowflake. Lexa knows even before opening it that she'll find an ocean of priceless, unique things inside.
She opens the book and realizes it's not so much a book as it's more of a photo album in which Clarke has collected a fair amount of her drawings, each page in the book heavy with meaning and stories. They're all dated and they all have a title and a description.
Strangers On A Bench
February 5th - The day we first met
The first drawing is the one Clarke drew that first day in the park, the one that broke Lexa when she saw it the second time they met in the coffee shop.
Lexa
February 9th - The day she told me her name.
Lexa opens her mouth slightly in surprise as she sees the next drawing. She hasn't seen this one before. It's nearly finished, not entirely, and the description tells Lexa that Clarke was drawing her that second time they met. She doesn't know why, but her heart starts beating faster thinking about it. She slowly turns to the next page.
Seasons Of Disaster
March 4th - The day Lexa made a mutated stick man version of Clarke's Seasons which is currently framed in the hallway of our house.
Lexa remembers that day like it was yesterday. It's the day she got a panic attack in Clarke's living room and ended up sleeping on Clarke's couch, in Clarke's arms. Its the day she realized that Clarke was more than just a friend.
"Clarke..." Lexa breathes. There are a lot more drawings in this book, of them, of her parents, of Clarke's parents, of Anya and Raven, of things that hold sentimental value to both of them but Lexa won't see them until later.
She's stunned.
So much that she closes the book and leaves it on the coffee table.
So much that the vulnerability, the intensity in her eyes leaves Clarke breathless when she looks at her.
Lexa wants to say 'thank you' and it's the best present someone has ever given me' and 'I can't believe you made this for me' and a million other things she wouldn't know how to form into sentences.
The truth is, that it's such a beautiful thing that it's actually breaking Lexa's heart. It's a gesture that tells her that maybe Clarke does love her as much as she loves Clarke, that Clarke making her this is equivalent to Lexa writing Clarke's Song.
But she doesn't know how to explain it.
Instead she looks at Clarke, just... looks at her, and it may have been ten seconds or perhaps five minutes, Lexa doesn't understand time in this moment. Clarke grows insecure under Lexa's gaze. Was it too much or not enough. Does she hate it. Why isn't she responding. At all.
"I wanted to show you what you mean to me. These are the things I can't explain." Clarke blurts out, suddenly unusually self-conscious, insecure even, and the last word has barely left her lips before Lexa crashes into them.
Because gravity.
It's Lexa giving Clarke all the things she can't explain and Clarke swallowing it eagerly, desperate for the recognition.
There's a taste of salt on their lips but it doesn't matter because the place Lexa has in her heart for Clarke grows bigger every day. Eight years of barely living somehow seems like it was supposed to happen because it brought her Clarke.
Who would've thought.
And Clarke? The emotions she had to shut out to be able to deal with life are now emotions she never wants to miss out on ever again. She craves them, needs them like a junkie needs a fix, like the earth needs the sunlight, water and air. They're what spurs her on to seek new things in life, a life she wants to spend with Lexa.
Lexa taught her that this is what makes her feel alive. Lexa.
Who would've thought.