Chapter V
Clarke wakes up Saturday morning to the smell of bacon and an empty bed.
Clarke knows immediately that something is up with Lexa. She'd left a note saying that she had something she needed to do and not to worry. But Clarke doesn't work that way. When it comes to her loved ones, telling her not to worry only makes her worry even more.
Something is up with Lexa and Clarke doesn't like it one bit.
Clarke works well under pressure. She's patient and observant and caring and a good listener and she knows how to make a decision on the spot when needed. That's why she's a great nurse. When it comes to fixing other people Clarke is your girl, but when it comes to fixing herself, Clarke is a mess.
Clarke understands that Lexa sometimes need alone time to deal with things. What she doesn't understand is why it makes her scared. If she must be honest, there's always this feeling deep down inside that Lexa one day won't return to her. And that's even when Lexa assures her that she'll be back, that her being gone is only temporary, that she isn't actually gone.
Clarke trusts her. She knows she'll be back. It's like an uncontrollable image that settles in the back of her mind, that Lexa doesn't return. She's knows it's irrational but that's not enough to stop her fears from breaking through the surface.
Her shrink says it's the aftermath of the trauma of losing Finn. That Clarke's fear of losing Lexa is not about not trusting her but a safety mechanism of some sort telling her that there's a possibility of something happening to Lexa. And in Clarke's mind that's enough to settle as a real fear.
She knows this. She understands this. Still, the fear is there and it's real and it's destructive and she hates it.
She pulls herself out of bed with a heavy heart and is surprised to find not only Raven but also Octavia and Lincoln in the kitchen.
"Mornin' Clarke." Lincoln greets her with a gentle smile.
Clarke stops in the doorway, she's groggy and hungry and perplexed to find so many faces in her kitchen and none of them are Lexa.
"Lexa made us promise to spoil you rotten and treat you like a queen today," Octavia says, patting the empty seat next to her, "Take a seat. We've got eggs and bacon and a day full of surprises."
"Uh... What?" Clarke doesn't understand anything, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "Where is Lexa?"
"She's out with Anya. It sounded important. She told us to keep you smiling while she was gone." Raven explains.
Clarke relaxes immediately knowing that Anya is with her. She takes a seat with a heavy sigh.
"How are you holding up, Clarke?" Raven asks pouring Clarke a cup of coffee.
"I'm okay... I'm just... worried about Lexa. I haven't had a chance to talk to her about yesterday yet." Clarke accepts the cup of coffee and takes a sip, closing her eyes.
"Listen, I'm sorry about Bell. I swear I'm gonna kick his ass when I see him." Octavia fumes.
Clarke takes a deep breath, shaking her head. "I just... I don't understand what happened". Clarke narrows her eyes, shooting daggers into the depths of her coffee cup.
"Anya thinks he's got feelings for you," Raven says, sending Clarke a sympathetic look because she knows Bellamy has made a pass on her a few times, but it was a long time ago and it stopped when she met Finn. Everyone thought he'd let Clarke go, even Clarke herself.
"Well,... That doesn't justify how he talked about Lexa. Either way, he should know I don't like him that way." Clarke sighs. "Okay, I need plenty of distraction until I know Lexa is okay. What kind of surprises you got in store for me?" Clarke smiles, it's a bit of a melancholic kind of smile, but a smile nonetheless.
"Nope. First you eat, then we talk secrets" Raven grins and it's good enough to make Clarke chuckle and that's a start, at least.
*
"So, what are we doing here, sis?" Anya asks glancing around the coffee shop they're currently sitting in. Lexa brought the big notebook and Anya knows that it means she's got things on her mind she needs to share. Anya doesn't understand why they're in a coffee shop and not at home. She watches Lexa intently as she scribbles in her notebook. Anya thinks Lexa seems different this morning. She knows meeting Bellamy hit a nerve of som sort, but she can't tell for sure that it's the reason they're here now.
But it is.
Lexa turns the notebook around for Anya to read.
'Last night I realized some things about myself. I hate to admit it, but Bellamy made me feel insecure and helpless and I don't want to feel like that anymore. I woke up this morning next to Clarke and I felt ready to do something about it. I've been thinking about this for a while and I want to learn sign language. I want to help kids who can't hear or speak deal with their insecurities and teach them how to communicate with the world that scares them and doesn't accept them. Clarke mentioned this development program they run at the hospital doing exactly that and I want to be a part of it but I need to learn sign language. I've been talking shortly to a representative from the program and we're meeting her today to talk about what I need to do to become a part of it. You're here because I need your moral support.'
Anya reads the page twice to make sure she doesn't miss anything. When she looks back up, she sees a blurry version of Lexa in front of her and she realizes she's crying. Only a little bit.
"Lexa. That sounds awesome." Anya wipes a stray tear off her cheeks with the end of her shirt sleeve. "I'm proud of you."
Lexa grins back at her.
"I mean it. I was this close breaking Bellamy's obnoxious nose yesterday and this... This is so much better. I like this. I don't think you need me, though. You're ready!" Anya smiles. "I assume Clarke doesn't know yet?"
Lexa scribbles a new note.
'Not yet. I want a more complete plan before telling her. And I want to give her the opportunity to take classes with me, if she wants to.'
"Mom and dad are gonna flip." Anya grins and Lexa rolls her eyes. "Speaking of the devils, fundraiser next month, let's bring Clarke and Raven and spice things up." Anya smirks and it looks like trouble.
Lexa grins back at her because yeah that might actually make a memorable night she can't miss.
For a moment in time, Lexa feels like that twelve year old rebellious version of herself out causing mayhem along her sister, not letting anything stop her from following whatever plans she's conjured up in her mind.
*
The first distraction is the arcade. It's a sore sight watching four grown ups at war against each other in an environment mostly meant for children. Octavia and Raven are way too competitive for their own good but Clarke is having fun and so nothing else matters.
The second distraction is lunch. There's a sandwich bar close to the hospital that Clarke loves a little bit more than a other sandwich bars in town and this day is about doing all the things that Clarke loves, so Lincoln makes a run for sandwiches while the girls find a perfect spot in the park to enjoy the sun.
The third and last distraction is take-out, beer, ice cream, movies, board games and whatever else comes to mind on a Saturday night. Everyone is too tired to do anything else but exist and eat and relax at Clarke and Raven's place.
Except Clarke.
She loves her friends with all her heart and she appreciates the effort they make on this day. But she can't shake off the worry and so she waits silently and impatiently for Lexa to come back to her.
"I know I'm depressing to be around but thank you for spending the day with me," Clarke sighs.
"Any time," they say in unison.
Then Clarke's phone buzzes and she grins at the phone seeing it's from Lexa.
Lexa:
Hey love, how was your day?
Clarke:
Fun, but I miss you. You?
Lexa:
I miss you too. It's been a long day but I'm okay and I've got things to tell you. Tomorrow. I'll come by in the morning, is that okay?
Clarke:
Good or bad things?
Lexa:
Definitely good!
Clarke:
In that case, I'm not sure I can wait 'til tomorrow...
Lexa:
I wish I could be there sooner. Tomorrow, love. Sweet dreams.
Clarke:
Goodnight Lex <3
*
Clarke wakes up Sunday morning as a warm naked body slides in next to her in bed. She hums sleepily as Lexa's arm snake around her waist and pulls her in closer.
"Hey..." Clarke croaks.
Lexa leaves soft kisses on her shoulder and up her neck and she feels Clarke melt in her arms.
"You're here..." Clarke twists so she can face Lexa and she trails a finger from Lexa's knee up her thigh, up her ribs and shoulder until her finger meets Lexa's jaw. She cups Lexa's cheek and watches her eyes flutter shut just inches from her own. Lexa sighs contentedly and a soft smile pulls at her lips and Clarke can't wait any longer, so she pulls Lexa into a kiss and Lexa pulls her even closer. And she keeps pulling until Clarke is on top of her, her golden hair a mess around their hungry lips. Lexa clumsily attempts to pull off Clarke's t-shirt and Clarke chuckles against her lips when she fails. Lexa then pouts and it makes Clarke smile, because Lexa's pouty face is one of Clarke's favorite things.
They're both frozen in time as Clarke studies Lexa beneath her. "You okay?" she wants to know and Lexa nods, never breaking eye contact, and Clarke is so madly in love with that beautiful smile on Lexa's lips that her heart almost bursts.
"I wouldn't mind if you were to wake me up like this more often," Clarke smirks before pulling teasingly at Lexa's lower lip.
In this moment of time neither Clarke nor Lexa lets any of their insecurities control them. All they need right now is to be close enough to be able to love each other the way they both deserve it. The way they both need it.
*
It's lunch time when Clarke wakes up for the second time. She drinks in the comfort of Lexa's warm body against her own. She thinks about how Lexa made sure she was okay while she was gone and she feels silly for letting her fears of losing Lexa take up so much room in her body.
With every breath, Lexa's chest rises slowly, peacefully underneath Clarke. She lifts her head just enough to leave a soft kiss on Lexa's jaw.
Lexa traces her knuckles along Clarke's arm to let her know she's awake too.
"We should probably get up... eat something..." Clarke sighs and she can't pinpoint what it is but Lexa's demeanor changes and Clarke automatically seeks Lexa's eyes to figure out what those changes mean. Lexa looks at her with a careful, amused smirk and Clarke realizes what she just said.
"Oh shush... You've been spending too much time with Raven..." Clarke laughs, blushing a little and Lexa leaves a soft kiss on Clarke's forehead.
*
Both Anya and Raven are in the kitchen when they eventually get out of bed.
"We spend too much time in this kitchen." Clarke says thoughtfully. "We need a bigger kitchen... And more comfy chairs." She grins. "And bigger windows."
"Sure, if you leave now I'll have all that ready for you by dinner." Raven answers sarcastically, rolling her eyes.
"'preciate it." Clarke winks at Raven as she takes a seat by the counter. "Sunday tradition?" Clarke asks and they both nod.
Lexa enters the kitchen shortly after with a written letter for Clarke. Clarke looks at her questioningly, "for me?" to which Lexa nods.
She meant to give it to Clarke earlier but she got distracted the second she found Clarke asleep. She stayed up late writing the letter. It explains where she was yesterday and why she left in the first place. It also explains about her meeting with the representative for the kids' development program and how she wants to do what's necessary to be a part of it. It explains that she's signing up for sign language classes and if Clarke wants to join her, she's welcome, but absolutely not necessary because she likes the way they're communicating.
Clarke reads and reads until she's done reading and when she looks back up at Lexa it's with the brightest of smiles Clarke has ever held for Lexa.
"This is amazing Lex." She jumps out of her chair and into Lexa's arms to hug her. And kiss her. And Raven groans and mumbles, "get a room, we're eating here," but when they both look at her, she's smiling at them.
This morning feels like the start of something really good, not only for Lexa, but for Clarke too.