Chapter 3
Laura wondered how long you could watch someone sleep until it became stalker behaviour. She had been watching Carmilla for fifteen minutes now, and felt she may have been passed the creepy line at the minute ten. Carmilla slept with a small frown and a closed fist, and Laura found it hard to look away.
At minute twenty Carmilla jolted awake. She looked concerned for a moment, Laura was sitting up and looking at her with her head titled, and saw that it was still early morning.
“Are you watching me sleep?”
“For about twenty minutes now.”
“Why?”
“Thinking.”
“About?”
“Your mother.”
Carmilla winced. “Not what I was hoping you’d say.”
“What were you hoping I’d say?” Laura asked with small smile.
Carmilla sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. “Why were you thinking about my mother?”
“You were adopted?”
“At six.”
“She doesn’t seem the maternal type.”
“She’s not.”
“Then why did she adopt?”
Carmilla shrugged. “Maybe she thought she could be. She’s not terrible. Not going to win mom of the year anytime soon. But not terrible.”
“You didn’t tell me.”
“You’re still on that?”
“It’s just…” Laura tried to find a way that didn’t sound whiny. “You could have told me.”
“Because we were such good friends?”
“And whose fault was that?” Laura asked with a smile.
Carmilla grinned. “Maybe mine.”
“Maybe.”
“Making up for it now though. Did you or did you not pass your test?”
“You’re taking credit for that?”
“I did go through about a hundred note cards for eight hours with minimal complaining.”
“Minimal?”
“Could have been worse.”
“Is it hard?”
“Not complaining all the time? A little bit.”
“Having your mother.”
Carmilla looked away. She lay back down and pulled the covers up. “Yeah,” she admitted quietly. “There’s a lot of pressure. And sometimes she mistakes intensity for support. But she does care, in her own way. We moved, after Ell, because it was too hard to live with the memories. She got me help.”
They brushed over Ell talk, Carmilla only mentioning it in passing, and Laura wasn’t going to pursue it until Carmilla did.
“I wasn’t…” It was too early for Carmilla to think coherently. “It was better than foster care. And mother isn’t the hug after a bad dream type, but my sister would at least tolerate me coming to her.”
“You have a sister?”
“And a brother.”
“Why don’t I know this?”
“You never asked.”
“What are they like?”
Carmilla shrugged. “Mattie’s adopted. Will’s not. They’re my siblings. Not really much else to say about them.” She grinned at how surprised Laura looked. “Relax, cutie. It’s not like we exactly shared life stories.”
“Only because I have nothing to share. Are there any other secrets I should know about?”
“I wouldn’t exactly call my family’s existence a secret.”
“Are you a jewel thief? Descended from royalty? Are you a vampire?”
Carmilla laughed and closed her eyes. “Go to sleep, cupcake. And stop watching me. It’s creepy.”
“How long do you think you can watch someone sleep before that happens?”
“I’d say ten minutes tops.”
Laura lay down. “Exactly what I thought.”
//
It took Laura a moment to realise, in her sleep addled state, it was the muffled cries coming from Carmilla that woke her. She was up and across the room before she’d fully registered it, gripping Carmilla’s shoulder to pull her from whatever nightmare she was having.
“Hey there,” she said, once Carmilla’s eyes had opened. She was still shaking and her breathing ragged. “You’re okay.”
Carmilla forehead was sweaty and Laura reached to push her hair out of the way, but Carmilla had sat up and was shuffling back, forcing Laura’s hands to drop. She resisted the urge to reach out and touch Carmilla again.
“I’m sorry,” Carmilla gasped out. Laura shook her head. “Go back to sleep.”
“I don’t think I’m going to do that.”
“Please.”
Carmilla scrunched her eyes shut and let her head fall onto her knees. Laura took a chance and shuffled closer, running her fingers through Carmilla’s hair and along the back of her neck. Carmilla seemed to revel in it for moment, seeking the comfort, before she sat up and moved closer to the wall. Stung with the rejection, Laura sat back but didn’t move from Carmilla’s bed.
She waited while Carmilla regained normal breathing and looked up.
“I’m sorry,” she said again. Laura didn’t know if it was for waking her or pulling away. She said nothing and waited. “A nightmare. I’m okay.”
“I used to get nightmares.”
“Yeah?”
“About dolphins.” A small smile pulled at Carmilla’s lips, which encouraged Laura to keep talking. “With legs.”
“Dolphins with legs?”
“Long ones.”
“The dolphins or the legs?”
“Both.”
Carmilla smiled before quickly sobering up. “I have less dolphins,” she said quietly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Laura asked. Carmilla shook her head. “You can let yourself be comforted, you know. If it’s me I can get Laf or Perry or someone, but you don’t have to fight it.”
“If it’s you?” Carmilla started laughing quietly, leaning her head sideward against the wall. She closed her eyes. “If it’s you,” she said incredulously.
“Are you laughing at me?”
“Yes.”
“I just mean we don’t really know each other and you keep saying we aren’t friends so if you need comfort I can get someone else I just don’t want to see you suffering.” A hand on Carmilla’s knee made her open her eyes and look at Laura.
“It isn’t you.”
“Oh.”
Carmilla rolled her eyes. “Come here.” Laura moved so she was leaning against the headboard, pulling her knees up to mirror Carmilla’s position. “How did little Laura get to sleep after nightmares about the long legged dolphins?”
“First of all I was lying down.”
“You’re sitting on the covers.”
Laura sat up so Carmilla could lie and pull the covers over her. First she faced Laura, then quickly turned over so she faced the wall instead. Laura ignored the pang in her chest that felt a lot like rejection. She gently pulled Carmilla’s hair away from her neck and let her fingers brush there, tracing circles.
“My mom would do this. It would make me feel safe. Grounded.” She smiled at the memory. “Like the dolphins couldn’t get me.”
Carmilla snorted, but it wasn’t meant maliciously. Feeling brazen from such an early hour, Laura lay down so her front was to Carmilla’s back, letting her hand wonder and settle by Carmilla’s. She had stiffened, and Laura prepared herself for another knock of rejection in her chest, when she felt Carmilla relax against her.
“The dolphins can’t get you,” she whispered, close enough to Carmilla’s ear. “I won’t let them.”
//
“I know you don’t need me to edit your essay,” Carmilla told Lafontaine, though she sat on her bed doing it anyway. “Want to tell me why you’re really here?”
“You’re better at the words then I am,” Laf said innocently.
“I’m understanding maybe sixty percent of what’s written here. And I’m ignoring any word that ends in osis.”
“So how are you these days?”
Carmilla shut the laptop and glared at Lafontaine. “You aren’t that good an actor.”
Laf sighed. “We thought we should check on you.”
“I hate it when you check on me.”
“You’re being uncharacteristically stable.”
“Stable? You’re complaining that I’m not running off every few weeks?”
“Of course not. It’s just. This time of year.” They carried on either though Carmilla’s clenched jaw and narrowed eyes told them to stop talking. “I’m your friend. I’m allowed to be worried.”
“About me being stable?”
Lafontaine figured they knew what the sudden change in Carmilla was due to. It didn’t stop them from being careful. Carmilla going to a roof with alcohol they could handle. But they couldn’t handle chasing her across the country again and not knowing what she’d find.
“I’m okay,” Carmilla said. She tried to relax. She knew the crap she put her friend through. “I know what time of year it is. But I’m okay.”
“Right.”
“Don’t use excuses to check up on me.”
“Because you’re so open and responsive?”
“I’m working on that. Why are you grinning?”
“Does this new found okayness and attempt to improve oneself have anything to do with a certain roommate?”
“I will fuck you up, Laf.”
Lafontaine laughed. “Embrace it.”
“I haven’t embraced anything in weeks. I really need to embrace something soon.”
“I bet Laura would be up for a bit of embracing.”
Carmilla shook her head. “We’ve only just got past the not hating me barrier. And we’re really close to the liking me as a person. Let’s not push it.”
“You have to tell someone if you’re not okay. If it’s not her then me. Okay?”
“Whatever.”
“Carmilla.”
“Yeah. Fine. Whatever.”
“I see you have long way to go with the open and responsiveness.”
“Did you want this essay edited or what?”
“May as well.”
//
Laura could tell something was up in the past week. She saw it in the way Lafontaine and Perry interacted with Carmilla, carefully and regularly. She saw it in the way Carmilla was forcing herself not to get angry with them, was taking their concern with reassurances and barely contained grimaces.
But her suspicions were concerned when she came back to the dorms to find the Dean leaving their rooms. Laura froze, completely caught unawares. Though Carmilla was adopted, Laura could see a lot of her in the smirk the Dean sent her way.
“Miss Hollis.”
“Yes. Hi. Hello.”
“Just came to see my daughter.”
“Right.”
“I’m leaving now. You can stop shaking.”
She brushed past Laura, who let out a breath once she turned the corner. She hurried into their room, finding Carmilla on her bed with her knees pulled up against her chest. She glanced up when Laura came in.
“Hey, cupcake.” Her voice didn’t match her smile. She wore Ell’s hoodie, the sleeves pulled over her hands. “You look pale. Did you bump into my mother?”
“She never visits.” Carmilla shrugged. “What’s going on?”
Carmilla looked torn between brushing her off and confiding whatever it was. Finally she looked down at her knees.
“Ell died four years ago today.”
“Oh.”
“My mother was doing her annual duty of making sure I’m okay.”
The eggshells everyone has been on for the past week made sense. A small part of Laura was hurt no one told her this. “Are you okay?” It was a stupid question, one Carmilla had no doubt been asked for the past four years, but she still locked eyes with Laura and smiled.
“You can come in, you know.” Carmilla avoided the question. Laura walked in slowly. In truth she wanted to sit next to Carmilla, bundle her into a hug and make everything go away. She wasn’t sure how well that would be received.
She sat on her own bed, mimicking Carmilla’s position and pulled her knees up. Carmilla tugged uncomfortable at the hoodie.
“I know it’s morbid,” she said, “Keeping this. But I stole it and refused to give it back. And I couldn’t give it away.”
“At home we have a mirror.” Laura was never sure if talking about herself in these situations was the best thing to do. But Carmilla always looked up expectantly to listen. “It’s shaped like an owl. We all hate it. But it was my grandads, and he left it to my mum when he died. She thinks he did it because he knew we hated it. His final practical joke. It hangs in the hallway and we’ll never get rid of it. I know it’s not the same thing. But I get holding onto something because it reminds you of something special.”
Carmilla leant her chin on her knees and closed her eyes. “There was robbery.” She spoke without opening them. “Ell had gone to the shop to buy some drinks. My mother was out and we were going to have some friends round. She was the only one who had realistic fake id and looked old enough. There was a robbery, and she got caught up in it, and was shot. She died in hospital a few days later.”
“What was she like?” Laura asked quietly.
A sad smile broke out over Carmilla’s face. “Kind. But not in an altruistic way. But kind. Smug.” She opened her eyes and looked at Laura. She chose to ignore that she had tears in her eyes. “More than me.”
“No way.”
“I was the modest one.” Carmilla laughed. “Played hockey. Terrible at it. I still don’t know how she made the team. Her family wanted her to be artist, but she wanted to be a doctor.”
“Usually goes the other way around.”
Carmilla nodded. “They wanted me to stick around, after. They were always nice to me. But it was too hard. I grew up with her in that town, I loved her in that town, there was no way for me to live with her not being there. So my mother took us away.”
“I’m so sorry that you lost that life.”
“It goes on though, right. At least it’s meant to.” Carmilla did all she could to ignore that Laura was now almost crying. She leant her head back against her knees so she didn’t have to see it.
The bed next to her suddenly dipped and Laura was pulling her into her arms. So far Carmilla automatic reaction had been to pull away. She was already in deep, no need to make it worse. But Laura was warm and good and woke her after nightmares. She sunk into Laura’s embrace.
“I miss her,” Carmilla said quietly. “And I’m never going to not miss her. And sometimes I’m okay. Sometimes it hurts too much. And I feel guilty for not moving on. Because she’d want me to move on. And then I feel guilty for how I do move on, because I know she wouldn’t want to do the things I do. And then I feel stupid because I’m afraid of disappointing a ghost.”
“That’s not stupid.” Laura promised.
“We were going to be happy. But we were going to be happy somewhere else. And any happiness I find here is going to come because Ell looked older than me and we decided to have a party.”
Carmilla had curled into Laura. Laura nudged her hair out of the way and gently rubbed the back of her neck.
“You can’t think like that,” she said quietly. “You can’t stop yourself from being happy. If it was the other way around, if you had been the one to…” The thought of Carmilla not being around caused Laura’s throat to clog, and the words refused to be spoken. “If it was you, you wouldn’t begrudge Ell any happiness she found, right?”
“Not for a second.” Her voice was muffled by her being pressed into Laura’s neck. Laura held her tighter.
“Any happiness you find is going to be different from what you thought you would have. But that’s not a bad thing. It doesn’t make it bad or make you a bad person.” Carmilla was still curled into her and crying silently. “Am I saying the right thing here?”
Carmilla laughed and lifted her head. She looked at Laura for a moment before resting their foreheads together. “You’re going great.”
“Lots of people don’t get to be happy.” Laura went back to stroking the back of Carmilla’s neck. “If you can be one of the lucky ones then you take it.”
Carmilla looked torn between saying something or staying silent for a moment. She opened her mouth as though to speak, before shutting it again and lowering her head back into Laura’s neck. Laura fought the disappointment in her chest.
//
Carmilla glared at the bag of Laura’s things, packed and ready to go home for Christmas, and turned her glare to Laura when she called her name.
“What?”
“I asked if you wanted takeout.”
“Sure.”
Laura watched her for a moment. She kicked a stray shoe from out of the way to get her computer, yanking a menu from the corkboard and sunk back down onto the bed. A small smile broke out on Laura’s face.
“You’re going to miss me.”
“Excuse me?”
“That’s why you’re being all huffy.”
“Huffy?”
“You’re going to miss me.” Laura’s grin increased when she repeated it.
Carmilla scoffed as she opened her computer. The bed bounced when Laura jumped down next to her. She jammed her in the ribs playfully.
“It’s okay. I’ll miss you too.”
“Whatever.”
“You could visit.”
“Mother has many festive plans organised. Do you know how many company parties I have to attend?”
“Yes. Six. You’ve said.” Laura lay back and threw her feet over Carmilla’s legs, causing her to move the laptop out of the way. “What are you ordering?”
“Pizza. Extra mushrooms.”
“I hate mushrooms.”
“Well I’m feeling huffy.”
“I could visit.”
“Too far. And you want to spend as much time with your dad as possible.”
Laura let out a sigh. “It’s only a month.”
“And nine days,” Carmilla said. “But who’s counting.”
Laura nudged her with her foot. “You have a phone.”
“I’m not very good at staying in contact with people.”
“Well learn to be. And don’t order mushrooms.”
“I got sweetcorn instead.”
“You are so going to miss me.”
//
The dorm was empty and boring. Laura had flown home, Lafontaine was with their parents and Perry’s on some holiday, and Carmilla was stuck on her own. She had been invited to both, but wasn’t ready for family bonding and party games.
Her mother’s house was nearby and Carmilla found herself spending time there in an effort to ignore the boredom.
Three business parties in and she was tired of being the Karnstein representative. Will was absent and Mattie had her own life, so Carmilla was the jewel of the family.
She looked in the mirror, at another dress ready for another party, and felt the familiar wave of emotions. Sadness at Ell being absent, the rush that came with the thought of Laura, and the crushing guilt that followed.
“Easy there, sis.” Mattie was leaving against the doorway, dressed impeccably as always. “Think any harder and you’ll crack the mirror.”
“I really don’t want to be here.”
Mattie snorted. “Nor do I. But we owe it. Or so I’ve heard.”
Carmilla just grunted in response. She ran her hand through her hair, annoyed that she even had to care whether it was curly enough, or just plain wild. She caught Mattie’s eye, watching her in the mirror.
“What?”
“What’s gotten you so wound up?”
“I’m not wound up.”
“You look two bad comments away from a fist fight.”
“This is my party face.”
She turned from the mirror and Mattie and looked at her shoes.
“Do they match my dress?” she asked mockingly.
“This is more than the party.”
“So perceptive.”
“You use sarcasm as a defence mechanism.”
Carmilla barked out a laugh and Mattie grinned. The same line had been used by multiple councillors multiple times.
“I’m going to have that on my tombstone.”
“What’s really wrong?”
Carmilla sighed and turned to face her sister. “I think I could, possible, be in love with someone. Which is ridiculous, because we’re not even together and she doesn’t like me half the time and I know what in love feels like and it doesn’t feel like that. It’s a different kind of in love. But I’m pretty sure it’s in love. And it’s not fair because I was supposed to be in love with one person and that got derailed so now I’m left with this other in love. Am I making sense?”
“You’d have lost other people but I’m fine.”
“And I don’t know what to do.” Crying would ruin both Carmilla’s makeup and her image, so she made sure that didn’t happen. Mattie watched for a moment longer to see if she would speak.
“Are you asking my advice?”
“Might as well.”
“Does she love you?”
Carmilla shook her head. “No.”
“Do you think she could?”
It took a long moment for Carmilla to answer. “Yes.”
“Then I think that you should be in love. And you should go for it. And if anyone can charm a girl into falling in love with them it’s you.”
“Since when were you the hopeful one?”
“Since I spent the last four years watching you be sad. Now if I get to spend even a portion of that time watching you be happy I will be as hopeful as you need me to be.”
//
Laura tried to ignore the prickle of hurt. Carmilla had warned her that she wasn’t good with contact, but that hadn’t stopped Laura from trying. Now three weeks of unanswered texts later and she was starting to feel rejected.
Her dad found her in her room, staring at the text that had been read and not replied to.
“Everything okay, pumpkin?” he asked, sitting on the bed next to her. “Still not answering?”
Laura had told him about Carmilla a week earlier when she had frustratedly slammed a mug down, shattering it. Explaining that the roommate she had spent a great portion of her time complaining about had actually turned into one of Laura’s favourite people had taken a while. It had taken a three minute speech on all of Carmilla’s attributes and her father’s raised eyebrow for everything to finally click for Laura.
“I have feelings for her,” she had proclaimed.
Her dad had nodded. “I would say so.”
Now Laura didn’t know what she wanted to say but she wanted to say it to Carmilla.
“You know,” her dad said conversationally, as the sounds of their family downstairs trickled up. “You could ring her.”
“Phones still do that?”
“A little old fashioned, I know.”
“I don’t know if she’ll pick up.”
“Then where’s the harm?”
The harm was in if Carmilla did pick up and Laura didn’t know what to say. But she missed the sad girl who didn’t seem to be so sad anymore.
Her dad put his arm around her and pulled her close. He was wary about the girl who had caused his daughter so much anguish for months, but it was hard to argue with someone when they had compiled an extensive list of the most wonderful things about her.
“You’ll figure it out,” he promised her. “Whatever it is.”
//
Laura lay on her bed with her eyes closed, secretly praying the ringing would go by unanswered. She had no such luck.
“I really need to explain time zones to you.” Carmilla’s voice sounded croaky.
“Do you want to go on a date with me?”
There was a scuffle on the other end of the line and a long pause. “What?”
“A date. Two people. An activity. Sometimes physical displays of affection, depending on how well it goes.”
“What?”
“You’re going to give me a complex if you keep sounding like I suggested we go for colonoscopies together.”
“You’re asking me on a date?”
“Yes.”
“Over the phone.”
“Well you weren’t answering your texts.”
“None of them mentioned a date.”
“They might have if you’d answered your texts.”
“Why?”
“Because you have a crush on me.”
Carmilla spluttered. “I don’t… That’s not… I have never in my life…” Laura started grin, the weight on her chest that she hadn’t even associated with Carmilla’s absence started to lighten. “Did Lafontaine tell you?”
“No.”
“Then how did you know.”
“You’re not exactly subtle.”
“You want to go on a date?” Carmilla clarified.
“Yes.”
“With me there?”
“Preferable.” Laura’s confidence started to wain as Carmilla was silent for another moment. “Unless I’ve read it wrong…”
“Nope.” Carmilla cut her off quickly. “Pretty spot on reading. I just didn’t expect to be asked out by you at five in the morning.”
“It’s not five in the morning here.”
“I would very much like to go on a date with you, cupcake.”
Laura sighed in relief. “Good.”
//
Betty choked on her drink when Laura told her, and demanded she repeated herself.
“I said I asked Carmilla on a date.”
“That’s what I thought you said. When?”
“Over the holiday.”
“By text?”
“Did you know that you can phone people?”
“I always thought that was a myth, like carrier pigeons.”
“I haven’t seen her yet. She’s coming back Monday.”
“I knew you always liked her.”
Laura snorted. “I did not always like her. That’s quite a recent thing.”
“What changed?”
“She stopped being as ass and started being a normal human.”
“I know I like that in a person.”
“The world has been unfairly cruel to her and I was thinking, if I can bring even a bit of the softness and goodness she deserves then what’s stopping me. I mean, I was pretty confident she’d say yes.”
“And here I thought you were the only person who didn’t knew she has a crush on you.”
“She’s nothing like I’d imagined the girl I met at university would be like. But she’s just so good.”
“Plus she’s insanely hot.”
Laura grinned. “Yeah. That too.”
“So when are you going?”
“I don’t know. We didn’t discuss details.”
“What are you going to do?” Betty shook her head when Laura shrugged. “Well you don’t just take Carmilla Karnstein to movie and dinner. She can get that from any number of girls.”
“Wow thanks for the confidence boost.”
“You need to plan something. And if there’s one thing I know Laura Hollis can do, its plan something.”
//
Perry handed Laura a leaflet on fire safety, and she began to rethink her plan of asking Lafontaine to help with the date she’d planned. They’d looked so happy when Laura had told them, and started rattling off a list of things Carmilla liked. She’d settled on fireworks, which had prompted Laf to promise to create the best firework show anyone had ever seen.
“Will I need this?” Laura asked them as Perry went to hand out more leaflets.
“I think it’s best to be prepared for the very small yet very real chance that this becomes less Fourth of July and more Manhattan Project.”
“They might explode?”
“That’s what fireworks are supposed to do.”
“Yes, but preferable in the air.”
Laf waved a dismissive hand. “Don’t worry. She’ll love them. Now, do I have to do the best friend speech?”
“Do you want to?”
“I have been jotting down a few notes. I can be very creative with a scalpel. Plus I think Perry could scrub a crime scene better than any trained killer.”
Laura smiled despite the vague threats. “I’m not going to hurt her.”
“I know she’s difficult. But she likes you.”
“I like her.”
“I know you do.”
Laf punched her shoulder affectionately. Seeing Lafontaine’s smile and the sudden thought that tomorrow night she would be going on a date with Carmilla caused a wave of nerves that made Laura nauseous. Laf must have noticed this, because they gripped Laura’s shoulder.
“Look, don’t tell her I said this, but she really does like you. Don’t be nervous, okay.”
“What if I don’t measure up? She could date any girl she wants.”
Lafontaine laughed. “She really couldn’t. But even if she could I think she’d choose you.” Laura nodded but still wasn’t convinced. “Laura, Carmilla is edging closer to the border of happiness. And that’s only because the two of you have the odd conversation and she helps you with your homework. I know it seems like a lot of pressure to live up to that, but you’re more than anything Carmilla could have bargained for. Just try and have fun, okay.”
“Okay.”
“And look on the bright side. If the fireworks do blow up on the ground it won’t be an awkward date for very long.”
“God I hope you’re joking.”
//
“It was a good date.”
“You said.”
“A really good date.”
“I know. You kissed when the fireworks went off. You chivalrously slept in the same bed but didn’t feel her up.”
“And now I’ve fucked it up.”
“Yeah,” Lafontaine agreed. “You have.”
Carmilla had been happy. She had been sincerely happy on her date with Laura. Then she had to be caught at a party with a girl draped over her, and Laura seeing before she had chance to push the girl away. Carmilla had gone to find Laura back at the dorm room, but had been locked out. Arriving at Lafontaine’s hadn’t brought the sympathy Carmilla had been hoping for.
“I wasn’t doing anything.”
“For the past six months Laura has watched you move through girl after girl. You can’t blame her for being insecure when she finds one on your lap two nights after your first date.”
“I was going to push her off.”
“But you didn’t. Not quick enough.”
“I could do without the anger.”
Lafontaine closed their eyes. “I’m not angry. I’m just frustrated. I have to hear about this crush for months and now this happens.”
“I’m sorry this had been such a burden for you.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I wasn’t going to do anything.”
“But Laura doesn’t know that.”
“I would explain if she’d let me.”
“Imagine it from her point of view.”
“I love her, I’m not going to fuck it up like that.”
Lafontaine froze with whatever they were going to say next. As Carmilla’s brain caught up to what she said she paled.
“If you could not repeat that, that’d be swell.”
“You love her?”
“What did I just say?”
“Carmilla.”
Carmilla sighed. “I think so, yes.”
“Then find a way to talk to her. Get through to her.”
“You look happy about this.”
“You’re in love. Why don’t you?”
“You know why.”
“Carmilla.”
“Look, I know. I’ve had the speech many times. Can’t betray a ghost. I deserve to live my life. Happiness isn’t a one time deal. I’ll get there. I just need some time.”
“And to talk to Laura.”
“Yeah,” Carmilla sighed. “That too.”
//
Carmilla knocked on the door. She leant her head against it in frustration when there was no answer. “You know I have a key, don’t you,” she called in.
“And I would advise not to use it because I don’t want to talk to you.”
Carmilla ignored that advice. When she entered Laura was leaning against the wall with her knees pulled up. She looked like she’d been crying, and Carmilla felt a pang in her chest that it was because of her.
“Laura,” she said, taking a seat on the edge of her own bed. “What you saw was nothing. Nothing was going to happen. Nothing would ever happen.”
“It did though. Frequently.”
“And you know this. I’m not hiding that from you. If it’s a problem then you should have told me earlier.”
“What you did in the past doesn’t matter. It’s what you do now.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“So you think I’m overreacting?”
Carmilla did. And should probably not say that, but didn’t like being accused. “Yes.”
Laura’s expression flickered between shocked and hurt. “You could have any number of those girls.”
Carmilla couldn’t help but laugh. “No, Laura, I couldn’t. Those girls want one thing from me, and it was fine when it was the thing I wanted from them. But it’s not anymore. The only person I want is you.” Laura’s expression became more hurt. “Not for that. I mean. Of course I want you for that, but not just for that. Hang on.”
Slowly, a small smile crept up as Laura watched Carmilla struggle. “Do you need a pen?”
“No, I’ve got this. I want to both screw you and hold your hand whilst watching fireworks. How’s that?”
“I don’t think Shakespeare could have said it better.”
Carmilla grinned. She quickly sobered up and silence drifted between them. “There’s always going to be the girls around us. But that doesn’t mean anything for you. Or for us. I am extremely fond of you, and just you.”
“Yeah?” Laura grinned again. She stood and walked towards Carmilla, who shuffled back and rested her hands on Laura’s thighs when she straddled her.
“Yeah.”
Laura kissed her, and they fell back onto the bed. In days or weeks or maybe months, Carmilla would eventually tell her the girl hovering above her that she loved her. But for now she was content to let the little piece of happiness that was creeping into her heart grow.