"All rise"
I stand up flanked by two court officers. My heart is beating so fast I can hardly breathe. "Whatever the verdict Franky stay strong " I tell myself "Don't let the bastards see they've got to you" I turn my attention squarely back to the judge who's talking to the jury
"Members of the jury have you reached a verdict on which you are all agreed?"
"We have my lord"
"And how do you find the accused Francesca Doyle?"
"Guilty"
I stare straight ahead not risking looking at anyone less I succumb to the tears which are welling up inside me. Because , you see, I do cry a lot more than people might think. This hard as nails exterior is just a front to help me to survive in this world. Well, how else would you suggest I react to things after the shit childhood I've had; my father walking out on us when I was only ten because he couldn't cope with my mothers drug taking and drinking. And as for the verdict .Well hardly a big shock was it. I mean throwing a pan full of hot oil over, in fairness, a complete arsehole of a presenter on national television was not really the best decision of my life. Problem was he pushed and provoked me to the point where I just lost it.And now I'm going to have to pay the consequences.Did I just hear the judge give me a seven year sentence. Really seven years! What the fuck! The few friends I do have who came to support me wave as I'm taken away . Not to start a new life unfortunately. Rather what I would describe as a survival course - where only the strong will make it.
And before long here I am .Wentworth Correctional Facility to be precise. Or Teal City if you like, a reference to the garish colour of prison clothes we all have to wear. And you know what. From day one I realise that survival in this place is a mental as much as a physical thing. That if you let certain other inmates push you around they can make your life hell. So I decide I would brazen it out . Nobody would get the better of Franky Doyle. I would make myself the so -called Top Dog. Surround yourself with the right people and its really not that difficult. I've always been smart so I made myself the self appointed brains of the operation while other bigger more academically challenged ones could add the brawn.Truth be told there were a lot of things that went on that I'm not at all proud of and when the cell doors were shut at night and darkness was my only ally I would often think "What the fuck are you doing Franky?" But it was how I existed.And how I expected to exist until one day when one of the screws, Miss Miles I think it was, appeared at my doorway.
" You need to come with me Franky"
"What for? What am I suppposed to have done?"
"Nothing ,this time.You need to speak to the peer worker and programme developer.She's here to help you with rehabilitation for when you get out of here. Everyone's having to see her and its your turn"
"And does this person have a name?"
"Her name is Erica Davidson. Very clever too .Double degree in Law and Social Work . You two should get on like a house on fire."
" Erica? Sounds posh .Is she?"
Miss Miles didn't reply but the small smile that played at the corner of her lips made me believe that she thought so. She led me down a couple of corridors till we stopped outside an office door which had the simple name plate of peer worker on it.
"Okay Franky " Miss Miles had said "In you go .She won't bite"
"Yeah but I might " I replied
I knocked on the door and was immediately impressed with the husky voice from inside which called "Come in"
First impressions? Drop dead gorgeous. She had her back turned to me when I entered but the mane of blond hair and the gorgeous peachy shaped ass concealed under the tight pencil slim skirt she was wearing had me picking my tongue off the ground. And when she turned round to introduce herself I swear my heart missed a beat. She put out her hand to shake mine . Porcelain soft it was . The sort that was a shame to let go. I quickly realised that this was a woman that interested me. Not just because of her intellect but because there was something about her that had my antennae twitching. She was obviously good at her job; maybe too good. Almost as if she had lived her life by numbers. You know the sort. School, university, daddy's law firm etc. She had lived her life to date how others expected her to- not how she wanted. That underneath the conventional, smooth, professional exterior was a roaring, snarling lioness waiting to be unleashed. We spoke for about half an hour not exactly like old friends but in a relaxed and easy manner.And when she said that our time was up I deliberately stared at her for a few seconds more than was necessary just to see her reaction. I would swear to this day that she blushed ever so slightly as I smiled at her before standing up and proffering my hand. There was absolutely no reason for me to do so other than the fact that I wanted the feel of her beautiful skin to be the last memory I would have of our first meeting.
She helped me so much at first .Still does in fact. But the encouragement she gave me inspired me to work hard and pass my HSC exams. When all the other shit was going on around me I would always be able to smile inwardly and know that quality study time with just me and Erica would soon arrive. I wanted to achieve not just for myself but for her as well. We would spend our time together talking primarily about what I was studying but occasionally other more general topics would come up and we would discuss these to the extent that the time we had allotted to spend together would be over in a flash.The one thing I could never get her to open up about was her life outside Wentworth. All the famous (if I say so myself ) Franky charm and attempts at flirting drew nothing more than a rolling of the eyes or a "we're not discussing that " response from Erica. And then without warning our relationship changed. Erica became Governor of Wentworth. Suddenly we were no longer equals. She was now my boss if you like. I had to abide by her rules. The old informalities had disappeared."Erica" was out and "Miss Davidson " was in. But I still felt that there was something intangible between us. I noticed how she would get slightly flustered when I approached her in the yard in view of the other women as if afraid that any wrong reaction to me would be misconstrued.I was desperate to move past our formal relationship and let her know what she meant to me. As I look back I can't be sure that my feelings for Erica at this stage were exactly love but I certainly knew there was something that I wanted to examine further .The opportunity to express what I was feeling came at an event Erica had organised called "Our Journey". It was a chance for the women to speak to an influential audience about their experiences of life in Wentworth. I can still remember teasing her to say "please" when she came to my cell to ask me to speak. Of course, I was always going to do it.Would have done anything for her then, would do anything for her now.Thought long and hard about what I was going to say.Finally just decided to speak from the heart .And I did. " Got me, believed in me, saw past the front, who I really was" Of course being me I had to leave a couple of things out there so "Given me a hunger" and "Helped that she was hot" were thrown in for good measure.
The speech seemed to work on two fronts. It got Erica good publicity and my words about her in particular seemed to really get under her skin. The next time we hooked up she was as nervous and unsettled in my company as I had ever seen her. She was barely able to look at me when she said that she wanted me to continue with my studies.It was as if she didn't trust herself to be alone with me. I thought I could guess the reason but had it confirmed when my one condition about studying further was that she would be my tutor. She immediately became all flustered and started to rhyme off a series of flimsy bullshit excuses about why this was impossible. I knew right then that this woman has feelings for me and is terrified of the fact. I smiled as I left her office that day my final words being that she would indeed find the time . And I was right. The powers that be wanted to use me as some sort of poster girl; as an example of what could be achieved via the proper rehabilitation techniques. And so an hour a week was set aside for Erica and I to be together. It was meant to be for studying but I was becoming vexed with Erica's reluctance to be honest with herself so I decided to push the boundaries of our extra curricular conversations. At the first opportunity I challenged her about her sexual orientation.Told her that I had had sex with guys for ages because that was what I thought was expected of me but once I'd fucked a woman I realised I'd been getting it wrong for ages. Problem was my attempt at provoking her had exactly the opposite effect to what I was hoping. She claimed I was being deliberately provocative and that my words had- how did she put it- oh yeah"did nothing for me" If she had been defensive before, my little speech to her only put up her barriers even more. Any semblance of a previous friendship disappeared totally. I was just another convict. No, in fact it was worse than that .I was now Franky Doyle, Top Dog - the person through whom all disruption in the prison was caused by. Any misdemeanour , any mishap, any shady dealings all became my doing.
By this stage my feelings on Erica's behaviour had gone way past frustration .I was becoming more and more letdown as she attempted to run away from the feelings that I was by now certain that she had for me. Two incidents in Wentworth then occured both of which were placed fair and squarely at my door.Well, actually that should be unfairly as I had nothing to do with them.The first was a leaked report to the local media which undermined and humiliated Erica's plans for the place. We had had a disagreement about how one of the prisoners was being treated and she was so obsessed with putting a barrier between us to protect herself that she let herself believe that I would use this and was the source of the leak. She called me to her office and put the allegation to me;now I might have been pissed with her over how she was treating me but I would never have done anything to hurt her.I would always tell her the absolute truth (but not necessarily about everything.Don't ask don't tell, that sort of thing) She knew of course that I was telling the truth and that one blew over. However the second incident had much bigger ramifications.A totally false and erroneous claim was made that I had brought drugs into the prison. I was being set up by a rival. Erica ,deep down knew that ,but I wasn't of course able to prove my innocence. The reason why this became a much more damaging event was that the sleazeball Derek Channing who was Erica's boss became involved.He hauled me into the office and gave me an absolute bollocking telling me I was a waste of space and a disgrace after all the time and effort and money that had been spent on attempting to improve me.By this stage my self esteem was at rock bottom and I just stood there and took it.It was Erica who intervened telling him "that's enough". It's funny but when I reflect on things she had done it to protect me;that she did, despite all she had tried to deny it, have feelings for me. I got five weeks in the slot for doing nothing. Wonder did she think out of sight out of mind. Or did she ( as I like to believe) sit in her office and watch me on the security cameras missing me as much as I was missing her. The final nail in my emotional coffin came when Erica came to tell me I was being released back into general circulation.I can remember thinking how nervous she looked as she stood with her hands behind her back telling me of the boards decision. The reason for her unease became abundantly clear when her left hand,or more particularly the third finger of it ,came into view and I saw to my shock and horror an engagement ring .I was seething,resentful,hurt, yes and jealous and I spat out a couple of vitriolic comments at her both of which she refused point blank to discuss.
On getting out of the slot Erica and I saw little of each other. The study sessions had been abandoned- another meaningless and avoidable punishment due to her confused emotions. I had no idea of her way of thinking.We would pass each other like strangers with barely a glance at one another.It seemed as if this was to be the way things were going to be from now on until one day one of the officers came to get me to take me to her office.My emotions were mixed.What did she want? Was she going to offer some sort of an olive branch?Would my study classes be restarting meaning I would see her at least once a week? But I was to be sorely disappointed. It was none of these. Guess what? After the way I had been treated she had the nerve to ask me for information about some supposed vendetta between Bea and Jacs. I was flabbergasted at her nerve to even think that I would tell her even if I knew. There was no hint of a reconciliation between us.Her I don't like/love Franky emotions were very much to the fore. She had obviously convinced herself that emotionally I was no longer a threat to her.Wrong!! Sitting in the chair in her office I suddenly realised that I had nothing left to lose. I would tell her a few home truths and to hell with the consequences. I scornfully mocked her , saying that the only reason she claimed to want to talk to me now was a tenuous attempt at getting information which she knew I would never tell her even if I had known.I asked the real reason for my being there; I accused her of hiding behind the walls of Wentworth rather than going home to her fiance thus implying that her feelings for him were not what she claimed.This really got to her.You see the truth hurts.She shouted at me to get out and with the suppressed emotions that we had both been holding back now bursting open I delivered my final piece of vitriol at her."What scares you the most is when you're fucking him you're thinking about me!" I intended to walk out and probably never see Erica again but my blood was boiling and I let my emotions totally rule my head. I grabbed her by the waist and forced her into the corner of her office out of sight of anyone passing by. Grabbing her by the chin I crashed my lips onto hers.The reaction was resistant at first but by the end I'm convinced she was kissing me back. And passionately . The kiss ended and I left the office pausing at the door for one final glance.I'll never forget the look on Erica's face- a mixture of shock and disbelief at what had just happened.For a brief second I felt vindicated ; that I had got my revenge. And yet as soon as the door closed behind me I realised I had just made the biggest mistake of my life.
I should have gone back in and begged forgiveness.But all of a sudden I had passed through a security door and there was no way back.Right there ,right then my world felt like nothing. I had right royally cocked things up. No way would Erica forgive me for what I had done .And could I blame her ? No. I walked the rest of the way back to my cell in a trance. What the fuck would I do now? I had just over two years to do but they would seem like twenty now that she was out of my life. Can you imagine being so close and yet being in relative terms a million miles away from the person who made everything up to that point worthwhile. I returned to my cell closed the door behind me ,buried my head in my pillow and cried. All the emotional baggage that I'd been carrying around concerning Erica all came to the fore and I sobbed like never before.My tears like my emotions were raw.My defences had been washed away and I cried till I could cry no more. Well meaning help was brushed away with a curt "Fuck off" (I'll have to apologise for that I suppose) The night times were the worst . I lay in the darkness and recalled every meeting, every word that I'd ever shared with Erica trying to block out the fact that unless a miracle occured these times were gone for good.I slept little and ate less only picking at my food when the meal times arrived. There was no sign of her about the place at all.Not in the yard ,or the corridors or at cell visits. I knew to make a request to see her would be futile; she would certainly say no. All I could do to attempt in some miniscule way to make it up to her was to study hard , get my qualifications and hope that she would be able to feel some degree of reflected pride I what I had achieved.
And so that was why I was in the library on that wonderful glorious Friday. I had eaten only a couple of mouthfuls of food at lunchtime before collecting my books and heading for the silence and solitude that the library offered me.On arriving I observed only the guard and a couple of the old lags were present. I sat down my back to the door and began to work. I'm not exactly sure how long I'd been sitting when I heard the door behind me opening. The carpeted floor doesn't give any clues away as to who's entered but I was aware of a familiar smelling perfume coming closer. When the chair opposite me was dragged back and I heard "Hello Franky" I would swear my heart leapt and sank at the same time. My joy at seeing Erica was immediately tempered by the thought that she was only there to break bad news. And yet. She was alarmed by my appearance and told me that whilst I had been totally wrong to do what I had in her office that she basically forgave me; almost in fact as if she had led me on and could understand why I had done it. I became aware that she needed to see me just as much as I her. That she had a lot of emotional unburdening to do.I sat in disbelief as she told me how much she missed me, how somehow I was the only one to fully understand the type of person she wanted to be.And then it happened. All my birthdays,Christmas's everything came together at once as she haltingly and coyly but oh so wonderfully told me she was in love with me. If the world had ended there and then I would have died the happiest person ever. She felt she needed to ask the strength of my feelings for her ; about there genuineness. I was in such a state of euphoric shock that I rambled some sort of reply .As the old joke goes I must have used all the right words but not necessarily in the right order. The bell for returning for afternoon registration had gone and we both knew that someone would be coming to look for me . But Erica (and me,who am I kidding) both wanted a physical declaration of our feelings. Thanks to her knowledge of the way the security system works she led me to the back of the library where a small recess in the wall allowed for the barest degree of privacy. I tried to make light of the proximity of our two bodies but Erica shot me down.This was no time for frivolity. It was she who took the initiative, moving towards me as our lips came together ;it wasn't the longest kiss of my life;indeed it was one of the shortest.But I'll tell you what it was the most intense,hot blooded,heartfelt and passionate I 'd ever experienced. If the world's most famous engineer had designed two sets of lips they wouldn't have come up with a pair that fitted together as perfectly as Erica's and mine. But the kiss had to be brief for in no time at all Miss Bennet arrived to take me back to my cell.I left Erica in the library, savouring the hint of the mint lip balm she'd been wearing as a reminder on my own lips of what had just passed between us.
It's night again but now I'm welcoming the darkness.I know that tonight the demons won't keep me awake.I'm ready to close my eyes because I've got so much to look forward to. Two years really isn't that long when you've got the woman of your dreams beside you. We both so much want to find a way to be together. Not just snatched moments but real quality time . Erica says she'll find a way so she will. Erica. My Erica. Her face is the last thing I see as sleep takes over me and I mouth the words "I love you".