Chapter 4
Lena managed to make it to her car before the tears started in earnest. Conflicting emotions swirled through her body, making her heart race and breath come out ragged as she tried to calm down. On one hand, the fact that she had such an amazing night with Kara, had felt free and cared for and seen for the first time since her brother had been around and not trying to kill her had made her feel ecstatic. She was floating on cloud nine, had thought the night couldn't be any better, and then they kissed.
They kissed.
It was better than she could have ever dreamed of, more than she could have ever hoped for. It was soft and blazing and eye-opening. It had her heart racing, and had heat pooling in her abdomen. It made her carefully curated walls come down and gave her hope that maybe, just maybe, something could come from this. Some future was possible here, with Kara, with this amazing, other-worldly woman that had barged into her life and irrevocably changed it.
But she just had to fuck it up, like always.
She sat in her car for a while, tears constantly streaming, hands running back and forth across her thighs at a comforting pace. Her heart-rate slowly started to return to normal after a few rounds of deep breathing, tears slowing down with it.
Nearly 15 minutes had gone by when she decided that she would be alright to drive home. At that same moment, she heard a knock on her window. The light tap-tap of knuckles on glass shouldn't have startled her as much as it did, but her nerves were still shot, body still tense. She jumped, head whipping to the side as she leaned against the center console to get a better look at who was interrupting her bout of self-loathing.
Kara stood outside, hunched low to look inside the window, a small, tentative smile on her face. Her eyes were red around the edges and lacked their usual humor and warmth. She raised her hand to give a small wave and motioned for Lena to come out.
Lena just stared for a moment, her brain not fully comprehending what she was seeing. What was Kara doing here? Doesn't she hate me by now, after ruining their night together and running like a crazy person after a simple kiss? Even if she didn't hate me, why does she still want anything to do with me? How did she even know I was still down here in the first place? Her apartment is on the other side of the building. Well, if I'm right about the whole Supergirl theory then she would be able to hear me from her apartment. But that still doesn't explain why she would want to deal with this, I'm a mess right now, no one should...
Too caught in her head as the minutes passed by, Lena didn't notice the smile slowly leaving Kara's face as her shoulders slowly started to creep up to her ears.
Lena's thoughts are finally interrupted when Kara takes an abrupt step back from the car window, straightening up as her hands come up to her face to rub violently at her eyes with the palms of her hands. Lena watches as Kara face raises towards the sky with her eyes squeezed she, hands behind her head. Her breaths come out ragged and it's obvious that she is trying to get a grip on it as she takes a few exaggerated breaths. Her shoulders are tense and Lena can see her lips moving, unable to make out the mumbled words.
Lena has never seen her look so broken.
Lena watches, trying to get her brain to make a decision and her heart aches all the more. She's hurting Kara and she hates it, hates herself for it. She wants to go out there, wants to make this better, but she's so scared. Scared of rejection, scared of hurting more than she does, scared of hurting Kara, scared that she's wrong about the hope that bubbles in her chest when she thinks of her, that Kara’s feelings for her don’t run as deep.
Her decision is made for her when she notices the tears start to leak down the side of Kara's face. She can't stand to hurt Kara like this, to be the one who causes this much pain to Kara Danvers, the woman she's been too scared to admit that she's been falling in love with. She can deal with whatever pain comes her way, as long as it eases Kara’s.
She gently opens the car door, staring at the ground until she is standing on the sidewalk a few feet from Kara. She takes a deep breath, preparing herself to see anger or disgust on Kara’s face as she looks up. All she sees is hope.
...
They decided to relocate their talk to Kara’s apartment; Lena wasn’t really in the mood to have someone recognize her and have some tabloid print a story about her having a breakdown in the streets.
The air is tense, neither of them really sure of where to start.
“Would you like a drink?” Kara asks timidly, edging slowly to the kitchen, needing something to do with her hands.
“Um, yeah, water will be just fine, thank you,” Lena says quietly, eyeing Kara as she walks to the kitchen with a small nod, noting her sunken shoulders and lack of obligatory sunniest that just seems to follow her around anywhere she goes . She hates that Kara is so shut down right now and that she was the cause of it.
Kara returns with two glasses of water, handing one to Lena with a small smile.
“Thank you, Kara”
“Of course,”
Silence follows the short interaction as both women take a sip of the icy water, both stalling for a minute as they collect their thoughts.
Lena is the first to break the tension, whispering, “I’m scared, Kara.”
Kara’s head whips up, concern immediately coloring her features as she takes a small step towards Lena, “What do you mean Lena, I would never hurt you.”
Lena lets out a short sad chuckle, “Kara, darling, I don’t think you know how easily you could hurt me.”
Kara freezes, clearly confused and uncertain about what she should do next, “Are you scared of me, Lena?” her voice breaks in the middle and she pulls her hands down to her sides, trying to appear non-threatening.
She knows that Lena suspects she is Supergirl; Lena isn’t exactly subtle with her hints and Kara has long since stopped coming up with her usual excuses when she has to take off when they're together, opting to tell Lena that work needs her.
Lena’s response is usually a knowing smile and a quick hug good-bye, sometimes a cheek kiss that gives Kara butterflies and has her stuttering out a bye back.
Lena has never seemed scared before, she honestly always seemed amused whenever Kara tried to come up with a believable story. But now, their relationship is different, what’s to say that her feelings on the matter haven’t changed too. Having a super powered friend is one thing, but a super powered girlfriend?... partner?...date? Whatever they were now, that could definitely change how Lena feels about things. A stone of dread drops in her stomach as she waits for Lena’s answer.
Lena watches the fear spread across Kara’s face, knows what she’s thinking, knows her choice of words were poor, “Darling, no, I’m not scared of you, that’s not what I meant,” she reaches forward and grabs Kara’s hands, rubbing soothing circles across the back of her hands with her thumbs.
Kara’s eyes drift down to Lena’s moving fingers, the fear diminishing but not entirely leaving her face as she asks quietly, “Then what are you so scared of Lena? Why did you run away earlier? Did I do something wrong?”
Lena looks into Kara’s eyes then, stomach dropping at hearing the broken voice coming out of Kara’s mouth. Lena steals herself, sick of hiding from Kara, angry with herself for continuing to hurt Kara with her actions and words.
“I’m not scared of you Kara, I know you never could hurt me. And you didn’t do anything wrong, you were perfect all evening, I had an amazing time tonight. What you said earlier after our kiss...” Lena pauses and blushes at the mention of the kiss, Kara giving her hands a gentle squeak to urge her to continue, “ ...that you were falling in love with me. Everyone who has said they loved me has left or used it against me. I’m just scared of that happening again... I know you aren’t like them, and would never use me like people in my past have. It’s just, you’re different, you hold so much of me, so much of my heart, more than anyone has in a long time... if you wanted to... if you ever... I don’t think I could handle it if you...”
Lena trails off, stealing a small glance at Kara to gauge her reaction to her confession. All the fear from her earlier words have left her face, eyes shining a bit with unshed tears.
Kara grips Lena’s hands, making sure their eyes are connected as she speaks, “Lena, I meant what I said. I will never hurt you. Whether that be physically or emotionally. I... Lena, I think I’m falling in love with you. And I think I have been for a long time. I promise, with everything in me, that I will never hurt you. I will stay and keep you happy and loved for as long as you will have me. Because you are brilliant and beautiful and amazing and I will do anything to make sure you know every day that you are loved and worthy of that love.”
Tears are streaming down her face by the time Kara is done. Kara reaches forward with one hand and brushes the tears away, giving Lena a smile. “I promise, you don’t have to be scared, I’ve got you.” her words come out in a whisper, trying to calm Lena.
A slightly hysterical laugh escapes Lena as she says without thinking, “I must be pretty special if I can get a Super to promise themselves to me for as long as I want.”
Her eyes widen as she realizes what just came out. She hadn’t meant to bring up Supergirl, had wanted to let Kara have the chance to come to her about it, but her mind was all over the place with Kara’s words. She felt the sincerity in them, knew without a doubt that Kara would keep her promise, would never leave Lena if Lena wanted her around, and would never intentionally hurt her. She didn’t have a chance to feel any guilt about outing Kara as Supergirl though as Kara let out a bark of laughter.
“I knew it! I knew you figured it out!” She let out another laugh, this one not as jovial as the first, “I’m sorry for not telling you, I guess I was scared too.” She looks up sheepishly at Lena, hope and uncertainty swirling in her eyes.
Relief flooded Lena. She reached up, hand cupping Kara cheek and she smiled reassuringly at her, “What a pair we make, hmm? Seems like we both could use a little courage.”
A coy smile crosses Kara’s face, “I think we might be able to work on that together, what do you say?”
Lena doesn’t think about it, doesn’t worry about the power this woman has over her, isn’t scared of the implications this will have for the future. She just smiles, says, “Sounds perfect to me, love,” and leans forward to kiss Kara for the second time that evening.
This kiss is different from the first. The first had been chaste, hesitant and unsure. Now, both parties leaned in with purpose, both pulling the other’s body closer. Lena’s cheeks are streaked with her tears, her palms sweaty on Kara’s cheeks. Kara’s lips are chapped from worrying them, her eyes raw from her own tears, her fingers digging sharply into Lena’s hips. But this kiss is deeper, holds more meaning. It’s a promise of a future and a promise of love, and Lena wouldn’t change it for the world.