Chapter 9
“Lena darling, stop your crying. You’re a Luthor, and Luthor’s don’t show signs of weakness, remember?”
Since the age of four, Lena’s learned to be strong.
“Lena, these grades are terrible. I expected better out of you. You’re a Luthor, remember?”
Since the age of four, Lena’s learned to exceed expectations.
“No, absolutely not. You are not to go to anyone’s houses. You must focus on your studies and piano lessons.”
Since the age of four, Lena’s learned how to be alone.
“This is preposterous, Lena. I raised you better than that. You are not to talk to her anymore. You will come straight home after school. You will not leave this house unless I permit you to. Luthor's are not this shameful.”
Since the age of four, Lena’s learned how to be anyone but herself.
Flashbacks of all the moments she’s had with her mother; all the moments she has hated most in her life. They were lighting up the inside of her eyelids. Her mother’s disapproval, fresh and bitter in Lena’s head.
Luthor's are not this shameful.
You’re a Luth-
Lena bolted upright. She was drenched, both in a cold sweat and tears. Her lips were dry, but when she licked them, she recoiled at the taste of her dry, salty, tears. She observed the scene. She was still at Kara’s house. The T.V. was still on, flashing some show that she didn’t know of. A nearby clock on the wall read the time. 10:47 a.m.
Lena was about to panic, until she looked down to find that she was practically straddling Kara.
Kara looked serene. All traces of worry that had etched her face when she was comforting Lena were gone. Her breathing was even. It was peaceful.
But the sense of panic was back.
Lena was a Luthor.
Luthor’s weren’t weak. Luthor’s didn’t depend on anyone.
She couldn’t. She shouldn’t have let Kara see her like that. She couldn’t.
She couldn’t have Kara thinking that Lena couldn’t handle herself. She couldn’t let Kara think that Lena wanted someone; needed someone.
And Lena was scared, because she had needed Kara. When Lena had broken down at the thought of a pleasant family; at a happy life, she felt it in her heart.
A hole. One that was created long ago, when Lex had left.
And how could she have forgotten about Lex? Lena couldn’t allow herself distractions, not when other things in her life mattered more. Not when her brother was like this, not now.
Looking down, her mind was in pieces. Kara was so perfect, laying on her couch. Her blonde, wavy, hair was thrown in a messy bun. Her glasses were askew. Lena was tempted to fix them, but she didn’t want to disturb her. Lena knew that she should’ve gotten up, maybe fix herself up in the bathroom and return to the couch, let Kara sleep for a little longer. She knew that she shouldn’t linger like this, and take in every detail of the younger girl’s face. Lena knew she shouldn’t have been leaning in so close. So close that she could see the light blonde peach fuzz on her slightly agape mouth. So close that she could feel Kara’s warm breath on her own lips. A familiar voice rang in her head. The voice she always dreaded most in life.
I raised you better than that.
You’re a Luthor, Lena.
10:50 a.m.
The panic was back.
Her mother would be expecting her home any moment. Lena has learned long ago; she should not let her mother’s expectations down.
She had learned that the hard way.
The most recent was when she was 14 years old. Lex was gone, and it had taken Lena about a year to get over it. To finally stop letting herself use him as an excuse to hold back on life. To be herself, shine a little more.
She was feeling confident that day. Her mother didn’t seem to be as prickly. When Lena returned from school that day, her mother greeted her with a smile (it did not hold any love, but it lacked the usual malice.) Lena placed too much faith into that smile. She read far too deep into it.
“Mother, I have something to tell you.” Lena recalled fidgeting with her hands nervously.
“Yes, what is it?” Her mother’s voice lacked emotion. Lena chose to ignore the fact.
“I-I-” she had to gather her thoughts, this was not as easy as she had hoped for. She took a shaky breath. “There’s a girl. I like her- I like her a lot.” Lena lifted her gaze to meet her mother’s eyes. Her eyes were searching, hoping to find acceptance. Just a bit of compassion, understanding, anything.
Her mother extended a quick hand, a swift slap across Lena’s right cheek. It stung. But what maybe stung more were her words. Her biting, scathing words.
“Luthor’s are not this shameful. You are nothing of mine.”
Lena snapped back to reality, finding herself rubbing her right cheek softly. Also finding herself as close to Kara as she had ever been. So. Close.
Lena couldn’t have any of it. She told herself this before, and she’s telling herself now.
For her own good. For my own good.
Lena slowly lifted herself up and away from Kara. She didn’t want to disturb her, no. She just wanted to leave. She had to go.
10:54 a.m.
Kara stirred.
“Lena?” Kara adjusted her glasses, just in time to see Lena stand up hurriedly. Lena had to leave.
“I have to go.” Lena’s words put a pout on Kara’s confused face. She wanted to make it go away.
“If this is about last night, it’s okay. You have nothing to be ashamed of Lena. I’m your friend.”
I have everything to be ashamed of.
“No, it’s- I- I have to go, Kara.” This time, Kara’s eyes grew worrisome. Another needle through Lena’s heart.
“Really, it’s fine,” Kara’s voice grew concerned. “Lena, please tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong Kara. Stop.” She didn’t mean to raise her voice like that. She didn’t mean to bang her fist into the wall.
She didn’t mean to put fear in Kara’s eyes.
Lena did catch that, it didn’t matter that Kara’s eyes returned to their worried state just a fraction after the fear had been there. All that mattered was that it was there. And Lena had done that.
“I have to go. I’m sorry.”
Kara got up then, tried to grab Lena’s arm. Tried to make her stay. But Lena had had practice. She’s run away before.
Since the age of four, Lena’s learned how to turn her back on the things (on the people) she’s cared about.
As she ran in the late morning sun, the tears returned, but not because she was reminiscing on her lack of love growing up.
Because she was thinking about her blossoming love for Kara.
And she ran.