Chapter 5
Lena rifled through old photo albums. The moments that they encaptured forever were the moments that she held dearest to her heart. Her heart fluttered halfheartedly when she looked at one of the small photos, taken in 2005. She and Lex were sitting at an old picnic table, the sun lighting both of their hair into a fiery shade, even though Lena’s hair has always been dark. Lena was 6 at the time, meaning she had been living with the Luthor’s for 2 years. Lex’s arm was draped around her, pulling her tight into his side. Lena’s grin was big and toothless, and both of them had melting ice cream cones in their hands (and on the front of their shirts and faces.) It was like the world didn’t matter at the time, only the cookie dough ice cream and each other.
Lex had always made Lena feel welcome. When her dad was indifferent and her mom made it clear that Lex was her favorite, Lex remained the same towards Lena. He was the only part of her new family that seemed like family. He was the only one that made this cold, empty house seem like home.
Lena was fully aware that she never gave anything a full smile anymore. The last one to make her truly happy was her brother. She still remembers the night.
November 21st, 2012.
Lex affectionately pushed Lena over after she beat him in a game of chess.
“You’re getting better at this game sis. Maybe next time you can win without me going easy on you.”
Lena gasped in mock hurt. She grabbed the nearest pillow and blindly threw it at him. She snorted when it hit him square in the face.
She remembered how he used to look like. His face had always been sharp, but never like this before. The things he did carved new lines into him. His eyes didn’t hold the same bright, wonder-filled gaze. The bags under them were as noticeable as ever. He was thin, his hair hung limp around his face.
But he was still her brother. He still cared the same for her. He was who she needed. And they took him away.
Lex needed help, not punishment. Yet, nobody helped him when the police busted through the door of their home. They treated him like he was a criminal. Like he killed people with his bare hands. Lex never did anything bad. He just needed help.
And now her brother sat in a jail cell, deprived of his family and friends and the proper care he deserved. How could Lena allow herself to smile fully when the only person who could make her smile like that was taken away from her? Shortly after Lex was incarcerated, the Danvers moved into the house across from her own. It was sort of good timing, they weren’t aware of the shame that Lex brought to the Luthor’s name (Lena didn’t feel ashamed of her brother, just sad.) She never really introduced herself to them, and neither did anyone else in her family. Her mother was never much of a people person (or a Lena person) and her dad became withdrawn and distant after Lex was gone. It’d explain why Kara had had no idea who Lena was (and she’s not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.) Lena saw how Kara beamed at life, and it was like life beamed back at Kara. Lena didn’t want to drag Kara down in any of this. She didn’t want her to pity Lena. She didn’t want her to meet her family. She didn’t want Kara to get too close (too comfortable.) That didn’t mean she didn’t want the awkward gal in her life. Lena could use a ray of sunshine once in awhile, and Kara seemed to be the most convenient source.
It was a Saturday evening, and what sun was left was being shrouded by dark clouds, the leaves on the trees that lined the desolate road were beginning to rustle in the rising wind. Lena did this on every Saturday that she could. Saturday was his day. It wasn’t a long walk, and even if it was, Lena would walk it anyways. Anything to see him. She had money, influence, and killer puppy eyes, so when she first walked to these gates as a 13 year old, the prison guards didn’t really know what to do aside from let her in. Of course they had called her parents (but of course, they didn’t care.) So she made it tradition.
At this point, she wasn’t sure if she did it more for Lex or for herself. And she couldn’t help but feel guilty, because doing this for herself would be downright selfish. But she needed it. She needed to make sure he was alright (and maybe it made her feel a little bit more alright.)
They shaved his head. She doesn’t think it’s a good look on him. He smiles weakly. She smiles weakly.
“Hey sis, how ya doin’?” His voice was faint, tired, almost.
“Probably better than you, if I’m being honest.” She gave him a look over. Prisons are supposed to have heavy regulations on what comes in and out, but she’s certain that Lex is managing to get his hands on substances that he’s not supposed to have. For the past 4 years that she’s been coming here, he manages to look a little more sad every time (and not emotionally.) His skin clung to his thin frame. His eyes were sunken and dull, and he looked irritated, almost neurotic. He was pale. So pale. His veins were clearly visible. His sores. His bruises. The path of a dried up tear that had traveled down his cheek on the left side of his face.
“Lex, what’s wrong?” It was an empty question. They both knew what was wrong.
“Lena, I’m not getting any better. I don’t want to be here anymore.”
“Then get help. Our family has money Lex. We can get you out of here, we can get you a lawyer. You just have to get better for a little bit, and then they’ll see that you don’t belong here. Lex, we can get you out of here.”
Lex looked up at her sadly. His eyes were so dark. So empty. Lena suppressed a shudder.
“That’s not what I mean sis. I don’t wanna be here anymore.” A tear dropped onto Lena’s outstretched hand.
She let it be.
“I don’t think I’m getting what you’re saying, Lex. I told you, we can get you out of here.”
Lex stood up abruptly, and pulled Lena in, tight to him. It was unexpected, and though the visiting room was cold, Lena suddenly felt warm.
“No touching.” A bored, but authoritative, voice barked from the corner. Lex didn’t let go. Lena didn’t try to make him.
“I love you sis. See ya soon.” His breath was hot on her ear. She didn’t like the feeling.
“Lex?” She said it into his shoulder. He wasn’t acting right. Her stomach began to flutter.
He released her when he heard the guard’s footsteps approaching. When his face left the side of her head, she could feel the sticky remnants of his tears. His own uniform was dry. Lena didn’t understand.
The guard grabbed Lex’s thin arm roughly.
“Hey! Careful!” Lena said it like she was a mom watching out for her child (or a scared little sister watching out for her troubled older brother, but the latter is easier to explain.) But Lex was already through the door, and Lena was alone in the visiting room once more, just like she has always been at the end of their meetings for the past 4 years, but this conclusion felt different. It felt like the end.
But that is not what Lena was telling herself. As she was walking back home, the sun was completely gone, and the dark clouds brought rain, and leaves were flying across the road, and Lena was trying hard to tell herself that this was anything but the end. Lex was just being weird. Lex was just having a bad day. It was the drugs, not him. It was the prison, not him. Lena purposefully sent these thoughts flying through her head, because anything else could mean something else, and Lena didn’t want to think about that something else, because if she thought about that something else she would start crying, and if she started crying she would realize that Lex had said exactly what he meant. "I don’t wanna be here anymore."
It’s pouring now and Lena’s certainly not rushing to get home, because home will not make her feel any better, (but maybe she knows someone who will,) and as she’s wiping the rain off of her face, she can feel her phone buzz in her back pocket.
She stops under a shaking tree and pulls out her phone, not bothering to unlock it, because she can see the text right on her lock screen.
Kara: Hey, I don’t know if you’re busy or something, but do you maybe wanna chill?
A second buzz follows quickly.
Kara: I mean you don’t have to if you don’t wanna, I just thought maybe it’d be cool to associate with you.
Followed by a third buzz.
Kara: Why the heck did I say associate instead of hang out what’s wrong with me.
Of course, Kara didn’t know that Lena was standing in the dark, shivering under a nearly leafless tree, the wind and rain lashing at her face, her dark hair plastered to her head, and her green eyes watery as she typed out her reply, but then again, Lena would never want her to. Lena needed her sunshine.
Lena: Of course I’ll associate with you. See you soon.
Maybe the world wanted her to have a slightly better day.
Still, she can’t stop a tear from falling as she quickens her pace (she tries to tell herself it’s the rain.)