how strange
She’s not real. She isn’t. Nothing is real except the feeling of her sneakers on the linoleum floor and the deep, gnawing nausea in the pit of her stomach. She runs down the hall, round a bend, past Charlotte’s office, straight to intensive. Her heart seems to be trying to escape her chest. He’s sick. He’s sick and he must be so scared and she’s not there. She’s always been there and now, when he really needs her, she’s not there. She’s gonna throw up. She runs faster, skids to a halt at intensive, pushes the double doors open so hard that they smash against the door frame behind her and accelerates along until she gets to hall fifty seven. Her eyes are blurred, but she manages to focus on the scene in the waiting room.
Marvin’s hovering by the door to the unit. Trina’s got her hand on his shoulder. Mendel’s holding Trina’s hand. Jason’s sitting on a plastic bench, gripping Whizzer’s Polaroid camera so hard that his knuckles have turned painfully white. Cordelia chokes out a question: where is he? Everyone turns to look at her. She catches her reflection in the window. What does she see? A girl. A woman. A lithe, spindly woman with wild, windswept hair, tear-stained cheeks and a pained, harrowed, panic-stricken look in her eyes. She’s grown. Oh Jesus, she’s grown. Trina walks over. Puts an arm around her. Whispers that they’re doing an emergency blood transfusion, that they don’t know how long it’ll be. Cordelia feels weak at the knees. She grabs onto Trina for support, pushes back her tears, feels the bloody rawness in her throat. Marvin walks over to her. Tries to put his hand on her back. She shrinks away. Covers her face with her hands. Drops down onto the bench beside Jason. She looks over at him but instead of seeing his face sees a bright flash. Jason has taken a Polaroid of her. She can’t bring herself to object.
She sits on that bench for hours. She bites her lip till it bleeds, so that she remembers she’s real. Everyone else come and goes but she stays. Waiting for him. Trying to breathe normally. Trying not to lose it. Charlotte comes out after two hours. Kisses Cordelia’s forehead. Tells her he’s out of danger for now. Cordelia can breathe again. Can she see him? Not yet. Immediate family only, says the nurse.
“He doesn’t have any immediate family. There’s just- just me.” The nurse says something, but Delia doesn’t process it, just understands that she can’t see him. She’s not allowed. She’s gonna be sick. She realises that Marvin is sitting next to her. Jason is gone. She can’t speak to ask where he is. Just leans on Marvin and sobs.
At midnight they let her in. She practically jumps onto the gurney to hug him. He’s so fucking weak. She’s so fucking terrified. Her face is buried in his hospital shirt. He still smells of sandalwood and rose water. He’s smelt like that since he was five years old. She weeps for the five year old who she can still see hiding somewhere in his eyes when she looks up at him. He blinks hard and the mist over his eyes lifts. He recognises her. Opens his mouth, then closes it again. Leans his head against her chest and falls asleep. His breathing is ragged. She wants to stay with him, make sure he’s safe, be there when he wakes up, but she hears something outside. She kisses his temple (it’s burning up) and walks out the bedroom.
Marvin is sleeping on the plastic bench, dark circles under his eyes. Mendel and Trina are back. Charlotte is praying in the corner. The atmosphere is almost unbearable heavy. Suddenly the double doors swing open again and there's a new figure in the room all of a sudden. A tall, muscular man with a rabbinical beard and wild eyes. Cordelia chokes on her own breath. It’s Whizzer’s dad. All the blood rushes to her head. She stands up. Call’s out Whizzer’s dad’s name in a hoarse, raw voice. He looks over at her and there’s a moment of eye contact and recognition before Cordelia, calm collected peaceful Cordelia, lunges at Whizzer’s dad. Claws at his hair, his face, beats her fists against his chest, screams that this is all his fault, all of it, that he has no right to be here. He’s yelling back, trying to push her away but she just grabs harder, hits harder, screams more. Marvin is awake and trying to pull her off with the help of Mendel. She shrieks one more time before letting them carry her into the next room. They sit her down on the floor. Mendel rubs circles on her back and counts her breaths. Charlotte comes running to hold her. She sobs into her girlfriend’s shirt until she passes out from exhaustion, both emotional and physical.