bristling and ugly
It's odd sleeping in a proper bed with Marvin, instead of a hotel or bedsit or just fucking in a bathroom. Odd, Whizzer thinks, but nice. On Friday night, the first night they're in Brighton, they fuck and then both pass out, but on Saturday night they sleep together properly. No sex. Lying facing each other. Legs tangled together. Whizzer wants to talk, wants to make Marvin laugh and listen to Marvin's weird stories about work, but Marvin's somewhat preoccupied. Distant. Whizzer tries not to worry. Whizzer fails and worries regardless.
Is Marvin okay? Yes. Why wouldn't he be? Whizzer shrugs, apologies, pauses then tries again: does Marvin not want to talk? He says he's tired. Whizzer pretends that he's not a little wounded. Whizzer pauses, then tries again. Marvin rolls his eyes and makes an exasperated noise. Is Marvin mad at him? Marvin sits up and hisses that he isn’t, so why don’t they just fuck and go to sleep? Whizzer says he doesn’t wanna fuck right now. Marvin makes the same pissy noise and turns back over, so he’s facing away from Whizzer. Whizzer feels cold. And sick. And sad. He falls into an uneasy sleep.
When he wakes up he can hear the sea. It’s gentle and soothing and there’s no obligation to be up, so he closes his eyes again with a smile. His eyes abruptly snap back open when he remembers the last night’s events. He’s too sleepy to be properly anxious, but still on edge. He feels a hand in his hair and turns over. Marvin’s tousling his hair and smiling softly. Just like nothing happened. Whizzer plays along, smiles back and mumbles a greeting. Marvin kisses his forehead and gets up to go shower. Whizzer feels a little better, though still unsettled.
He sits up. Stretches. Rubs his eyes. Rolls his shoulders back a few times. Tries to forget, to repress. He kicks his legs off the bed and stands up, then rolls his eyes because Marvin’s clothes are on the floor, not just his pajamas but his clothes from the day before. Whizzer sighs and starts picking stuff up and folding it. One shirt. One jacket. Pyjama bottoms. A tshirt. Finally, he picks up the pair of jeans Marvin wore yesterday. And something falls out. Clatters to the floor. Lies there, shining. Oh Jesus. It’s a ring. A wedding ring. A motherfucking wedding ring.
Whizzer feels unreal. Like he’s not in his body. He can’t move, can’t speak, can’t cry, can’t do anything but stare at the ring. Marvin’s married. He’s fucking married. Whizzer feels nauseous. Nauseous and dizzy. Marvin’s married. To a woman. Whizzer’s a fucking curious phase to him. Whizzer’s been lied to and messed around and he wants to scream. He feels like the walls are closing in on him. He picks up the ring. It’s engraved with Marvin’s name and Marvin’s wife’s name. Trina. It’s a pretty name. Whizzer’s about to puke.
He hears Marvin walk back into the room. Turns around slowly. Marvin’s just wearing a towel. Whizzer holds up the ring for him to see. Whizzer pushes back the tears. Whizzer bites his lip. Marvin raises his voice, asks Whizzer what right he has to be mad about this. Whizzer raises his voice back, throws the ring at him. Marvin suddenly bolts toward him, grabs his wrist, shouts so loud that Whizzer shrinks back into himself. Uses all his strength to pull away and dart out the door. Then out the front door. Down to the beach where he collapses onto the sand and sobs.
When he gets back to the house two hours and a half later with bloodshot eyes and a sore throat Marvin is gone and Cordelia’s waiting in his room. She opens her arms and he hugs her and starts crying again. After ten minutes she speaks softly: “What happened?”
“He’s married.”
“Oh… Jesus.” She whispers. Whizzer rubs his eyes.
“I don’t care.”
“But you do.”
“But I don’t Delia. It’s-”, he sits up and takes a deep breath, “-fine. I’m fine.”
“But you’re not.”
“It’s okay. Really. I don’t care about him.”
“Honey…” She trails off. She can’t vocalise to him how important it is for him to be open about his emotions right now. She can’t. So she sits with him until the worst of the crying is over. He’ll be okay. She knows he will.