Chapter 14
ANYA (4.30am): Lexa, I may have done something stupid. Call me, when you get this?
ANYA (8am): Lexa, can you ask Clarke to check on Raven? Just to make sure she’s fine?
ANYA (11am): Where are you? Still with Clarke? (In that case: Congrats!) I really need to talk to you!
Lexa frowns at her phone.
“Is something wrong?”
Clarke looks at her from the couch.
“I’m not sure. Can you check your phone, please?”
“Sure, but why?”
Clarke doesn’t understand. She picks up her phone and looks at the display.
“Ten messages from Raven.”
“Saying what, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Lexa waits as Clarks scrolls through her texts.
“Basically that she needs me to call her … in different stages of urgency and with a growing number of expletives.”
Lexa sits down next to her and shows her Anya’s texts.
“Did something happen between Anya and Raven?”
“I have no idea. How about you call Raven and I call Anya and we find out what’s going on?”
“That sounds like the reasonable thing to do. There’s just one thing I have to check off my list before that.”
“And what’s that?”
Lexa looks at her and Clarke takes the opportunity and cups her face with both hands.
“This.”
She kisses her and even though they have spend a lot of time kissing in the last few hours it still feels exciting.
“Okay, now we can take care of the drama. Do you want to make the call in here? I can use the bedroom.”
Lexa shakes her head.
“No, you stay on the couch and I’ll take the kitchen. I can make tea if you have some?”
“Yes. It’s on the shelf next to the coffee. Just rummage around the cupboards if you need anything.”
Lexa leaves and dials Anya’s number.
It only rings two times before she picks up.
“Where the hell have you been?”
Lexa frowns even though Anya can’t see her.
“A good day to you, too. I’m at Clarke’s. I only just now turned my phone back on.”
“What if needed to call you? What if there was an emergency?”
“Was there?”
“What?”
“An emergency.”
Lexa fills the kettle with water.
“No …”
“Then what the hell is wrong?”
Anya sighs and Lexa takes the tea leaves from the shelf. She fills some of them into a filter and waits for the water to boil.
“Will you tell me what is bothering you or are you planning on staying silent? Cause it kinda defeats the purpose of me calling you. Which you asked me to do by the way.”
She leans on the kitchen counter.
“I might have kissed Raven.”
There is another sigh.
“Okay? Is this a bad thing?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because she was vulnerable and I shouldn’t have taken advantage of the situation.”
“Anya, I will need a little more backstory to make sense of that.”
The water is boiling and Lexa pours it over the filter and into the teapot.
“Raven doesn’t seem like someone who would let anyone take advantage of her.”
Anya is sighing again.
“You and Clarke … Are you two dating now?”
“Yes.”
Lexa smiles and acknowledging that makes her blush.
“I really want to talk to you about Raven, but that means telling you something you cannot tell Clarke.”
“Okay? Why?”
“Because it’s not my or your place to tell her, but Raven’s.”
Lexa sits down at the table and tries to make sense of that.
“Anya, you are my cousin and my best friend. If you need to talk to me, talk to me. Let me be the one to figure out how that effects me and my … Clarke.”
“You can say ‘girlfriend’. It’s a perfectly fine word to use.“
There’s laughter on the other line.
„About Raven … Yesterday when you all were dancing I found her in the alley behind the bar. She was pacing and … well, you know best what a panic attack looks like.”
“Okay? Yes, I do.”
Lexa looks at her watch to remind herself when to take care of the tea again.
“She hasn’t told her friends that she has them.”
“And that’s what you want me to keep from Clarke?”
“Yes.”
“In that case you’re right. It’s not our place to tell her.”
She gets up and fiddles with the tea filter.
“I am guessing you helped Raven and you think that, because you kissed her, you pushed her into something she didn’t want?”
“Yes.”
“Why did you kiss her, An?”
“What?”
“You heard me. Why did you kiss her? Was it, because you had a few drinks? Did you want to sleep with her? Why did you kiss her?”
“I like her.”
Anya sounds so serious and Lexa smiles.
“Yup. That’s the impression I got when you got all puppy-eyed.”
“I did not.”
“Oh, yeah, you did.”
Lexa fishes the filter out of the tea pot.
“You like her and you kissed her. What did she say?”
“I apologized and she told me that it was fine. Then I asked her if I could call her and she said that she couldn’t stop me, because she had already given me her number.”
“Did she smile when she said that?”
“Yes.”
“Then what are you fussing about?”
“Lexa, didn’t you hear me when I told you that she was emotionally vulnerable? What if I messed this up? What if she feels pressured? What if she never wants to see me again? What if she hates me?”
There is desperation in Anya’s voice and suddenly Lexa realizes that she has never seen or heard her cousin like this.
“Anya, calm down. I don’t think that Raven hates you. You helped her, she drove you home … which she totally wanted, by the way … and you kissed her. She didn’t slap you, she didn’t tell you to get out of her car and she wants you to call her. It doesn’t sound that bad to me.”
“You think?”
“Yes.”
“Has Clarke checked on her yet?”
“She is on the phone with her right now.”
“She is? Can you find out if she is okay?”
Lexa stares at her phone in bewilderment before she puts it back to her ear.
“No, Anya, I cannot barge in on my … girlfriend … and check if Raven is okay without telling her why you are so upset. I will however try and find out how Raven is later, okay?”
“And you’ll call me?”
“Yes.”
“Promise.”
“Anya, you’re no bloody teenager. Calm down!”
“I can’t seem to.”
“Go to the gym. Have a drink. Watch a movie. Drink herbal tea. I will call you later.”
“Lexa?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you! I love you.”
“I love you, too, stupid.”
She hangs up and shakes her head to see if this is all a dream. It clearly isn’t. She puts the tea pot, milk, sugar, spoons and two mugs on a tray and carefully balances all of it into the living room. Clarke is still on the phone and so Lexa places everything on the coffee table and silently offers to leave again, but Clarke shakes her head. Lexa then pours the tea and puts milk and sugar into hers. Clarke absentmindedly does the same and stirs.
“No, Raven, I am sure that Anya is fine.”
Clarke looks at Lexa who tilts her head and makes a gesture that says something between ‘yes’ and ‘more or less’.
“I promise I will ask Lexa … but why don’t you just call …? Yes. I promise, Raven. I will be there at 5.”
She gives Lexa an apologetic smile and Lexa smiles back at her and nods, because of course Clarke has to be there for Raven, even if she would love nothing more than to spend the day with her.
“Okay. We can order pizza … Okay. See you later, Rae.”
Clarke disconnects the call and sighs.
“So your cousin kissed my friend.”
Lexa sits down next to her and picks up her tea.
“It certainly seems that way. How is Raven?”
“Confused.”
“In a bad way?”
“I wouldn’t say that. But confused nevertheless.”
Clarke leans back.
“It gets a bit complicated when it comes to Raven and love. … How about Anya?”
“The same. She is afraid that she has crossed a few lines.”
“Well, Raven didn’t seem to be mad about the kiss. She’s more confused about what it means and how she is supposed to react.”
“What it means?”
Lexa puts down her mug settles into the sofa. Clarke leans her head against Lexa’s shoulder.
“Well, Anya certainly seems to like Raven, if that helps at all. I’ve never seen my cousin so flustered.”
“I don’t think, that Anya is the problem here. Raven is … she had a bad experience and she hasn’t been herself ever since.”
Clarke sighs.
“Okay?”
The unspoken question is hanging in the room and Clarke knows that she has to address it. She takes a moment to steady herself.
“I met Raven in physical therapy and we quickly became friends. I was 21, Raven was 22. A few years later she met a guy. Finn. He lived in LA so she flew there on a regular basis and they started dating. I only met him about two years later. Somehow we were never in the same place at the same time …”
Her voice trailed off and Lexa patiently waited for her to go on.
“I had a few relationships myself, but nothing serious. … But then one day Raven decided to throw a party and that’s when I finally met Finn … It wasn’t love at first sight. I thought he was too smug, he thought I was too serious.”
She chuckles.
“But there was attraction. I knew that from the first moment I laid eyes on him.”
She bites her lip.
“But he was Raven’s boyfriend and I would never have done anything to hurt her. … So I tried not to spend too much time with Finn. It worked for a while … but then Finn moved to New York and it got more complicated. How do you tell your best friend that you don’t want to spend time with her boyfriend without admitting you’re attracted to him?”
There was another chuckle, sadder this time.
“Also it wasn’t just me. Finn felt the same.”
She looks up at Lexa.
“Don’t judge him, because of it. He never made a move on me while he was with Raven. We were just friends, but the more I got to know him, the more I fell for him. He was sweet and kind, funny and smart. He made me laugh. … When Raven told me that Finn had left her I knew why. And when he came to my door and told me he was in love with me … It almost ruined Raven’s and my friendship. Even if I kept Finn away for months after that … It took a long time before Rae finally spoke to me again and when she did she told me not to let the best thing that had ever happened to me get away.“
She swallows, but the lump in her that won’t go away.
„… Finn and I were together until he died.”
She tries to ignore the tears on her face.
“He was shot in a robbery while we were on a date. That was five years ago.”
Lexa’s hand finds its way into hers.
“I am so sorry.”
“Don’t be. It wasn’t you who shot the gun.”
She clenches her teeth. There is still so much pain when she thinks about Finn. She feels her body tense up. She feels the tears running down her face and there is nothing she can do about it.
Lexa kisses her temple. It unravels Clarke. She has no idea if it is bad form to cry about her dead former boyfriend the day after she first had sex with her new girlfriend while said girlfriend is holding her, but right now she doesn’t care. She melts into Lexa who just holds her. There are still so many tears to be shed over Finn.
Lexa does her best to comfort Clarke. She has no idea what to say. Which are the right words to say to someone who not only lost her father, but also someone she truly loved in such a violent matter? The pure thought of Clarke being in harms way adds to her confusion. Lexa feels anger towards the shooter and pain, because Clarke is hurting and she can’t do anything about that, but hold her and whisper into her ear that she is safe. With her. That she won’t go away. But then again, Finn probably didn’t plan on leaving either …
She runs her fingertips over the bare skin on Clarke’s arm until Clarke relaxes and the crying stops. They sit there a while longer and Lexa isn’t sure if Clarke is still awake, but then she speaks.
„I am sorry.“
„For what?“
Lexa is confused. She looks down at Clarke’s beautiful face and she has no clue what she could be sorry about.
„I come with a lot of baggage …“
Lexa smiles.
„We all come with a lot of baggage.“
„But I bet you didn’t expect me to unravel like this on the first day.“
„Clarke, there is nothing you have to be sorry for. Actually I have to thank you.“
„Thank me?“
Clarke sniffles and reaches for the tissue box on the coffee table.
„Sharing this can’t be easy. That you did means a lot to me.“
Clarke looks at her.
„One day I will tell you the whole story … but not today. I … It’s hard.“
„You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.“
Lexa wipes away a tear that has been rolling down Clarke’s cheek in slow-motion.
„So … Raven … ?“
„Yes?“
„She still isn’t over Finn?“
„I don’t know how much of it is still about him and how much is about the fear of losing somebody in general.“
Clarke wipes her eyes.
„She never talked about Finn, about his death. She shut it away.”
Lexa frowns a little.
„But … I’m sorry if this is a silly question … is she into girls at all? Don’t get me wrong. I just don’t want to see Anya get hurt.“
„Well, Raven has been with women on occasion … sexually, I mean … but since Finn there has never been anyone who would have made it past round one.“
Clarke looks at her.
„On the other hand, there has never been anyone who would have confused her enough for us to have the kind of conversation we just had on the phone. And the fact that I have order – she literally said ‚order‘ – to meet her later says something.“
„Hm.“
„What about Anya?“
„Oh, Anya is into women. No doubt about that.“
Lexa chuckles.
„But she’s usually the ‚no more than three dates‘ kind of girl. Then again I’ve never seen her so messed up after kissing a girl.“
Clarke rests her head on Lexa’s shoulder again.
„So they are just as messed up as anybody else?“
„Seems like it.“
„Swell.“
„It seems like Octavia and Lincoln are the only ones who have it figured out.“
Clarke looks up at her and softly shakes her head.
„Don’t even think that for one minute. It took them an eternity to get where they are. O didn’t want to be ‚chained down‘, Lincoln didn’t want to quit the army. It was a mess.“
Lexa chuckles again.
„Well, I am still learning about these things, but maybe that’s what love is?“
„What?“
„Messy.“