Chapter 10
“What is going on with you, Clarke?”
“What do you mean?”
“You are smiling.”
“So?”
“Like all the time!”
Octavia takes the bottle of champagne out of the fridge and opens it expertly without spilling a drop. Clarke watches her do it and remembers the last time she opened a bottle like that, flooding the kitchen with champagne. She is really bad at it, probably, because the sound of the cork leaving the bottle reminds her of a shot. She’s a little scared of it even though she knows that is stupid.
“I am deeply sorry, if my happiness causes you concern.”
Octavia grins.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
“I know.”
Clarke takes glasses from the cabinet and puts them on the table for Octavia to fill.
“But you are happy?”
“Yes.”
Clarke smiles. She is aware that Lexa and her only have been on one date, but it already feels so good.
“What about you and Lincoln? We haven’t seen a lot of you since he came back so I am guessing you’re fine?”
Octavia nods and fills the glasses up to the rim.
“He is quitting the army.”
“He does? Does that mean he’s staying?”
Octavia grins.
“He better. I want my husband to be around.”
Clarke smiles.
“Have you told your brother yet?”
“I did. He loves the idea of being alone in this house. Or maybe Gina will move in. Who knows.”
She takes one of the glasses and hands it to Clarke.
“Listen, I am a little concerned about Raven.”
“Why?”
Octavia takes a sip from her glass.
“I have a feeling that she isn’t … feeling so well lately. Missing Finn and such …”
“O, she is over the moon for you and you know it.”
“I do. Don’t get me wrong. I just … I don’t want to hurt her by … shoving my happiness down her throat.”
“You mean, like I do?”
Clarke looks at her.
“What? Oh God, no. That’s not at all what I meant. I …”
She realizes that Clarke is grinning.
“You’re messing with me, aren’t you?”
“Maybe.”
Clarke can hardly hold it together.
“Damn it, Griffin!”
Octavia laughs.
“I really need your opinion on this. Can we be serious for a second?”
“Sure.”
Clarke sits down at the table and waits for Octavia to sit as well.
“You and Raven are my best friends. I will need your help. Lincoln isn’t much of a party planner and he still has a few things to do before he’s a civilian again …”
“You want us to help plan you wedding?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re afraid that Raven doesn’t want to, but will feel obligated?”
“Yes.”
“She won’t. She loves you. There is nothing that would keep her from planning the worst possible bachelorette party for you.”
Clarke grins.
“Really, O, she will be fine.”
Octavia is almost convinced.
“It’s just … she sometimes acts like she expects never to feel love again. But how is she supposed to meet someone when all she does is work and hang with us?”
“All I do is work and hang with you and I still met Lexa.”
“That’s different.”
“Different how?”
“You were open to it. Raven … it’s like when Finn left her she closed herself up and when he died … She hasn’t been the same.”
“I haven’t been the same.”
Clark quietly looks at her.
“I know.”
Octavia reaches out and takes Clarke’s hand.
“But you never gave up and now look at you.”
“So you think that Raven gave up?”
Octavia thinks for a second to find the right words.
“To me it feels like she hides behind this tough, sassy exterior, determined never to be vulnerable again, but at the same time she suffers, because that’s exactly what she wants … to open up to someone.”
She drinks her champagne.
“Listen to me … I get all sentimental and I am not even drunk yet.”
Clarke squeezes her hand.
“You’re not sentimental. You’re concerned and I think you’re right. Raven needs to get out there. How about we take her out for drinks when she gets back? We’ll ask the usual crowd.”
Octavia nods.
“Sounds like a start. So Friday?”
“Yup, Friday it is.”
–---
CLARKE: Are you free on Friday night? Raven will be back in town and we want to take her out for drinks.
Lexa puts down her phone and frowns.
“What’s wrong?”
Anya looks at her.
“Bad news?”
“No, it’s just … It’s your birthday on Friday.”
“Yes?”
“I haven’t seen Clarke since Sunday and she just asked me to have drinks with her and her friends …”
“On Friday?”
“Yes.”
Lexa bites her lip and Anya just has to laugh.
“You can go. It’s okay. I’m a big girl.”
“No, it’s not okay. Your parents won’t be back for two weeks. I don’t want you to spend your birthday alone.”
“I really don’t mind, Lexa.”
“But I do. … Wait a second.”
She picks up her phone again and types. It takes only seconds for her to get an answer and she smiles.
“Okay, it’s settled. You’re coming with us.”
Anya looks a little shocked.
“No! I mean, I don’t know any of these people. … I don’t like to go out.”
Lexa laughs.
“Oh, please, that’s a flat out lie. You love going out. And it will take only a few more seconds for you to figure out the benefits of my little proposal …”
Anya looks at her, her face one big question mark, but then her eyes light up.
“I am going to meet Clarke.”
Lexa grins.
“Yes, you will. And you’re going to be very nice to her.”
“I am always nice.”
“No, you’re not.”
Anya grins, too.
“No, you’re right, I’m not.”
–---
“I don’t want to, Griffin!”
“Oh, come on, Rae! I promised Octavia and Lincoln you’re going to be there … and be there you will.”
Raven sighs.
“I am tired. I worked day and night for a week. I just want to sleep.”
“You can sleep tomorrow. Today you’re going to have a drink with a few more or less civilized people.”
“I get it, O wants to celebrate her engagement with everyone, but why do we have to go out? Can’t we have beer and pizza at home like in the good old days?”
“No, we can’t. Also, Lexa is bringing her cousin. It’s Anya’s birthday and I am a bit nervous to meet her, so please, get up and let’s go. I need backup.”
Raven sighs again. She looks at Clarke and then at her own outfit.
“Do I need to change?”
Clarke gives her an assessing look.
“Maybe?”
Another sigh.
“I really hate this!”
–---
To Anya’s amusement they are the first to arrive. This never happens when she has to go somewhere with Lexa. Tonight might be the first occasion she has ever witnessed in which her cousin is right on time.
They go inside and find a table, telling the waiter they will hold their order until the others arrive. Octavia and Lincoln are the first. Octavia introduces her soon to be husband, Lexa introduces Anya. She is impressed. Lincoln is a nice guy, tall, muscular, with a sweet smile and excellent manners. Octavia beams when Lexa congratulates her on her engagement. Those two are clearly in love and Lexa is happy for them.
Anya relaxes a little. She hadn’t realized that she was actually nervous to meet new people, but the couple is nice and easy to talk to. Octavia is quick with her answers and Anya enjoys a good banter. Maybe the evening won’t be so bad.
Bellamy and his girlfriend Gina are the next to arrive, followed by Monty and a goofy looking guy named Jasper.
When the door opens again it only takes a second for Anya to understand why Lexa is so head over heels. Clarke is stunning. It’s not the dress that she is wearing or her hairdo that is the right mix of casual and art. She is beautiful and all that, but the thing that draws Anya to her instantly is the way she laughs about something the other woman must have said to her. It’s an unadulterated laugh with her eyes closed and no restraint. This is a woman who doesn’t care what others think of her. Anya likes her already
The other woman must be Raven. Anya watches her as they approach the group and notices the brace and the small limp, but also the caution in her eyes when they meet Anya’s. Anya gives her a smile, but Raven just looks at her like she is determined not to give away any emotion.
Lexa watches Clarke with held breath until she reaches her and gives her a small kiss on the lips which makes them both blush
“Hey!”
Clarke smiles her brightest smile again and then rather than waiting for Lexa to say something she introduced herself.
“I am Clarke. … You must be Anya. It’s good to meet you.”
Anya shakes her hand and smiles.
“Happy to meet you, too, Clarke.”
She looks at the other woman.
“And you are Raven, right?”
Raven nods, but stays silent. Anya raises an eyebrow just slightly.
“Lexa told me you work for NASA? So … Did we really land on the moon or is the video one big fake?”
Raven looks at her, her face still clear of emotion.
Her answer sounds dead-serious.
“I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you …”
Everyone stares at her for a second.
Anya blinks and then she chuckles.
“Fair enough.”
Clarke has watched their little conversation with a frown. She is wondering what is up with Raven’s attitude? She seems to be extra-snarky tonight. Clarke looks at her friend, thinking about asking her if something is wrong, but then she remembers something. She holds out her cane for Lexa to take and reaches inside the backpack she has with her. Then she hands Anya a box, all wrapped up including a bow.
“I almost forgot! Happy birthday!”
Anya looks at her and the box in her hands.
“Thank you. You didn’t have to …”
Clarke smiles.
“I know, but I wanted to win a few points with you.”
Now Anya has to laugh.
“Well, in that case, let’s see.”
She opens the present and finds a children’s book, an old one. One she has been searching for a long time now. She’s a little at a loss for words.
“How did you …?
Clarke smiles.
“Lexa told me that it was your favorite book when you were a kid and that she lost it.”
She gives Lexa a reprimanding look.
“I’ve been sad about it for months.”
Anya’s index finger runs over the title. ‘The Moon and the Stars’.
“Lexa said you’ve been searching for it and it so happens that I had a copy, so …”
Anya looks up and Lexa is surprised to see just how much her cousin is moved by this.
“I can’t … I mean, this is obviously part of your childhood, too. It is way to rare to just give away. It’s out of print.”
Clarke smile widens.
“It is obvious that you are the one who should have this. I’m not even sure why I kept it.”
Anya smiles.
“Thank you, Clarke. This might just be the best birthday present I ever got. You not only scored a lot of points with me … I might just disown Lexa and put your name on my will instead.”
Jasper who has been saying hi to his friends clears his throat.
“So are we going to keep standing here? I was promised drinks.”
“Right! Me, too!”
Monty looks at Jasper.
“First round is on us.”
“What’s up with you? Did you win the lottery?”
Bellamy laughs, obviously not expecting an answer.
“I’ll help you carry.”
He looks around.
“What is everyone having?”
He collects the orders and then leaves for the bar. Everyone else sits down. Anya interrogates Clarke just a little bit, not enough to make her uncomfortable, but enough to make Lexa kick her under the table.
“Ouch!”
“What is wrong?”
Clarke seems concerned.
“Seems like you girlfriend … I can call her your girlfriend, can’t I? Just to make her squirm … She thinks I’m too nosy. She kicked me.”
Anya laughs when Lexa face turns dark red. Clarke looks at Lexa, grins and gives her kiss.
“The term is fine with me. What do you think?”
Lexa is still flushed. She looks at Clarke and just nods which makes Clarke grin even more.
“For a writer you really are very nonverbal sometimes, aren’t you?”
Anya lets them be and moves on to talking about martial arts in movies with Octavia and Lincoln. At some point their drinks arrive and they toast to the happy couple.
Anya doesn’t fail to notice that Raven is pretty quiet. It’s not like she doesn’t talk, but she seems absent. There is something about her that is familiar, but Anya doesn’t quite know what yet.
About an hour and three rounds of drinks later the dancing begins. Clarke leaves her cane behind and leans on Lexa instead. Even Raven seems to have a good time. About three or four songs in a man who has been sitting at the bar asks Raven to dance. He seems nice enough, but Raven politely declines. He smiles anyway, nods and leaves, but after that Raven is different. She stops dancing, looks at their table, obviously thinking about sitting down, but decides against it. She looks jumpy somehow, stands still for a few seconds, then leans forward to shout something into Clarke’s ear who nods. After that Raven turns around and leaves. Clarke doesn’t seem concerned, so she’s probably going to the restroom.
Anya watches her leave and suddenly she knows. She realizes what looked so familiar. She tips Lexa’s shoulder and tells her that she needs some fresh air. Lexa nods and asks if she wants her to go with her, but Anya just smiles and shakes her head.
She leaves and walks to the back of the bar where the restrooms are. She takes a quick look, but there is no one inside. She was right. She walks past the kitchen and to the back entrance. The door is unlocked and she steps outside into the cool night air.
Raven is pacing up and down the alley. She doesn’t notice Anya, two fingers of her left hand are taking the pulse on her neck. Her breathing is fast, it’s close to hyperventilating, and Anya knows exactly what is going on. She steps into her way and Raven stops and looks up, her eyes a little unfocused.
“It’s okay, Raven. You’re not going to die. Your pulse is racing is because your body is in fight or flight mode. You have to let it wash over you. Acknowledge that it’s happening and hold on until it’s over.”
Raven looks at her in confusion and Anya tried to assess the situation.
“You didn’t tell your friends, did you?”
“Tell them what?”
Raven still seems jumpy, like a cornered animal.
“That you are having panic attacks. They don’t know or one of them would be with you right now.”
Raven’s breathing takes up even more speed and Anya puts her hand on the woman’s back.
“You’re feeling my hand, right? Sometimes it’s useful to focus on something, a sound, a smell … touch. I can help you get through this if you want?”
Raven just stares at her and doesn’t answer, so Anya keeps on talking and slowly runs her hand up and down Raven’s back. She is well aware of how intimate this gesture is, but for her it usually works, so she decides to try it on Raven as well.
“I had my first panic attack when I was twenty-something. In the middle of a movie theatre. I had to get up and leave, because I thought I was having a heart attack. I went to a hospital. They ran a few checks, but physically I was fine. They told me to go home and drink lots of water and I did. I got through it, but afterwards I was afraid something like it might happen again. And it did, but months later. I had it maybe two or three times a year after that, but then I had this one panic attack that seemed to last forever. I wasn’t able to get out of it. I wasn’t able to function. All I wanted was to stay in bed and sleep. That’s when I got help.”
“Are you better now?”
Raven looks at her and Anya sees that she is more focused.
“Yes. Way better. I have the occasional queasy feeling when I am stressed, but I can handle it.”
“I don’t know why this is happening to me.”
Raven is close to tears and Anya has a feeling that the woman isn’t used to that either.
“My therapist once told me that my body is like a seismograph of my mental state. When I am stressed, things happen. Are you stressed out about something?”
Raven clenches her teeth and Anya is suddenly aware that her hand is still on the other woman’s back. She slowly lets go.
“You don’t have to tell me. I realize that you hardly know me. It’s just …If you need to talk … I am here.” She looks at her. “Are you feeling better?”
Raven nods. Her breathing is slower now.
“Thank you …”
“Don’t mention it.”
Anya is relieved to see that Raven is relaxing a little.
“We can stay here for a little while longer, but I guess your friends will get suspicious at some point.”
She shivers.
“Also, it is fucking cold!”
Raven looks at her and then something weird happens. She smiles.
A genuine, beautiful smile very different from the tough, snarky girl Anya has come to know over the evening.
Anya takes a deep breath and knows exactly in this moment that she is screwed.
–
“Where the hell have you been? I was close to sending a search and rescue team.”
Lexa looks at Anya when she comes back to the table and then past her at Raven and raises her brow. The look on Anya’s face tells her to shut up though.
“I met Raven outside and she told me NASA’s darkest secrets.”
Anya falls down on the chair next to Lexa and looks to the dance floor where Clarke is still dancing the night away, now leaning on her cane for support and still managing to look extremely graceful.
“Has she worn you out already?”
Lexa laughs.
“I’m just taking a short break. … Listen, would it be okay if I took Clarke home instead of taking a cab with you? We’re living in the same neighborhood and …”
She stops when Anya starts to laugh.
“Who are you trying to fool here? Be chivalrous and take her home. I’m a big girl. I can take my own cab.”
“Or I could drive you …”
Raven is more or less talking into her bottle of non-alcoholic beer, but Anya still has a tingly feeling where her skin forms goosebumps. Lexa raises her eyebrow again, but instead of saying something embarrassing to her cousin she smiles.
“That would be great, Raven. Last time I sent Anya home alone after a night out she got stranded somewhere, because she insulted the cabbie when they were discussing ‘Anna Karenina’.”
Now it is Raven’s time to raise her eyebrow.
“You did?”
“He kept insisting ‘War and Peace’ was the only thing Tolstoi got right and I begged to differ.”
Anya lifts Lexa’s glass and drinks.
“I couldn’t let that slide.”
“You are a bit of a nerd, aren’t you?”
“Also a literary snob.”
Anya grins.
“And I would be happy to get a lift, thank you.”
“That’s settled then.”
“What is settled?”
Clarke sits down next to Lexa.
“Raven will take Anya home and the two of us will share a cab. If that’s okay with you, I mean?”
Lexa looks at her.
“I would like that a lot.”
Clarke smiles and Raven rolls her eyes.
“Jeez, get a room.”
Clarke grins.
“I have a room, Raven. It’s cozy.”
She bites her lower lip and gives Lexa a smile.
“Wanna leave?”
Lexa visibly swallows and Clarke laughs.
“I take that as a yes.”