The Empathy Mirror

The next room was dimly lit with spot lights all lined up in a row leading to a large throne made of gold framing and red plush. Alec laid across it, his body seemingly small as the regal future appeared to swallow him up.

One leg was completely straight, his ankle resting on a glimmering arm while his other leg was bent, toes balancing on the edge of the arm while his knee was lying against the back of the throne.

Following the curve of his body, Alec seemed to be the centerpiece, like how one might describe a glittering jewel in a necklace. He was wearing ink black pants, velvet by the looks of it. He wore a dark purple silk shirt with it open in a way that taunted anyone who felt even a sliver of desire for him.

He wore dazzling jewels on his fingers and neck, golden chains wound around his bare feet and hands. His nails, both hands and feet, were painted purple to match his shirt and mantle that was draped across the other arm of the throne where Alec rested his head.

He also wore a Emperor's crown that sat perfectly on his head. Golden lines outlined and rose above a purple plush. The golden base and lines had jewels of red and purple so well placed that it was just shy of over done. On top there was a round red glittering globe that held the lines together. Instead of the typical cross that sat atop there was a pair of wings shining so bright it caused the viewer to see dots of light when they closed their eyes.

Alec looked as if he had been painted onto the throne by an expert artisan.

As the followed the spotlights the ones the passed began to dim, emphasizing Alec to be the main attraction.

They stood before him like subjects waiting for the will of their king to be announced, in equal parts awe and trepidation.

Finally he fluidly rose to sit and stare down at them like they were unworthy of his time. Alec looked like a paradox, as he sat there. He still looked small compared to the throne yet somehow larger than any of them had ever seen him at the same time.

“What do you want?”

Lydia spoke without hesitation, “We want to learn what you need us to learn and then continue this journey. What do you want?”

“What do I want? I want you out of my head- you are not meant to be here. You are not wanted here. You are not worthy of being here.”

When he said the word worthy, Maryse and Robert both bent over like they had been stabbed in the gut.

Luke, ever the peacemaker said, “We can only leave if we follow the rules of the mirror. We need to listen to you to move on.”

Alec laughed, a cruel and bitter thing that bounced off the shadowy walls and into their hearts, causing everyone to shiver.

“And why should I care? Why should I be merciful to you?”

Max looked up at his brother with tears in his eyes, “When have you ever been anything but merciful?”

Alec glanced at him, with pity. “And look where that’s gotten me!”

He stood, his hands still gripping the arms before gesturing around him.

“Alone! In a dark room, commanding a ghost army and fighting against the demons in my head!”

He looked like a wild man. The hair visible under the crown disheveled, mascara smudged and blotchy, liquid lipstick smeared.

Magnus wondered how Alec could make his heart sing, even at his worst.

He walked up to him and bent onto one knee and took Alec’s hands in his own, kissing every finger and then kissing his palms.

“You are not alone, I promise you.”

“The others may not be alone but I am...”

Alec shuttered, “They put me on a pedestal making damn well sure I knew it was broken and a single misstep and everything would tumble. And it would be my fault, if everything fell, no matter what previous damage had already been done.”

Tears, that shone like diamonds, fell down Alec’s face and onto the floor with a pitter patter sound before shattering like ice.

Magnus felt like weeping too.

Alec turned to his parents.

“But you were the ones who broke it! You were the ones who broke me!”

Alec reached around the throne and pulled out a sword the size twice of himself and threw it at the ground in front of Maryse and Robert who stared at Alec in horror.

He very form became blurry as he began to shift between two versions of himself.

One was the Alec they saw when the first walked in with perfect makeup and perfect clothes, who presented himself with confidence and grace.  

The other was battered and unkempt with the wrecked makeup they had glimpsed before and tattered clothes, his crown was crooked now and blood ran down his body and like his tears from earlier it transformed into gems before shattering on the floor. He was slouched over like the weight of the world was bearing down on him and he was the sole pillar.

Magnus heard gasps from the spectators behind them but focused on the alternating Alecs.

“They did this to me!” Alec waved his hands down his body, as his blood continued to play an eerie song using the floor beneath them as its instrument.

“But they expect this of me!” And suddenly Alec looked like a disney prince once more, but the makeup around eyes kept shifting between art and disaster.

“My dear dear Alexander...”

Alec fell back before Magnus could continue, dragging him down as well. Alec curled into Magnus’s side and stare at the sword embedded into the floor in front of his parents.

As he stared, images began to appear on both sides. They started off blurry, a common occurrence within Alec’s mind.

When the images cleared, the group was left with the feeling like they had missed something important.

Alec appeared to be seven or eight years old. He was sitting outside his mother’s study, his head on his knees which were resting against his chest with his arms wrapped around them. He was listening to parents fight. There was a sound of something shattering but Alec didn’t even react, use to the noises that followed his parent’s bitter jabs at each other.

Robert stormed out, passing Alec as though he was invisible. To Robert, after dealing with his wife, he probably was. Alec got up silently and walked into the room. His mother was bent over the desk, her head in her hands.

Alec walked over to the closet where he pulled out a small broom and pan. He began to sweep up a glass bottle from the floor.  When he had gotten every last piece he walked over to the trash can and dumped it out.

He then sat and waited. His mother grabbed another bottle and began to drink from it.

“You’re father is cheating on me, baby.”

Alec said nothing as she trailed her fingers through his hair.

In a sudden fit of anger she pulled his hair so hard that his head rose at least an inch. He never made a sound, he never showed discomfort.

“I wonder how much is your fault? I know some of it is mine, but not all of it. He dotes on your sister. He loves her, he stays for her. But he doesn't even notice you, does he? So some of it must be your fault...”

Alec grabbed his mother’s hand and lead her out of the room.  She stumbled a bit, but Alec never said a word, just let her use his shoulder to steady herself.

He took her to her bedroom and pulled out her nightgown and handed it to her. We went into the bathroom connected to her quarters and hopped onto the sink to reach for the painkillers in the medicine cabinet. He put four in his hand and then put them beside him

He then grabbed a glass and filled it with water. He carefully slid off the counter and grabbed the glass and painkillers. He walked over to Maryse who was sitting on the bed, looking at the wall with a blank look. He handed her two pills which she quickly swallowed, he gave her the glass of water and put the other two pills on the dresser near the bed.

After she was finished with the water, he went back into the bathroom to refill it which he then place next to the remaining pills.

He pulled the covers over her as she settled into bed.

“You’re such a good son, sweetie. I don’t know what I do without you… My little prince… I love you, you, you know that right?”

Her words were begin to slur.

“My little prince…. You  need to be perfect, if you’re going to restore our family name. You need to promise me you’ll be perfect, okay? I need you to do this for me.”

Alec nodded and then left the room, turning off the lights and closing the door behind him.

He then made his way to another room where his father was passed out, half on, half off a bed. Alec took the bottle that was falling out of his hand and pulled him up all the way onto the bed.

He left after placing a blanket over him.

He disposed of the bottle.

Alec walked into his sister’s room where he found her asleep on the floor. He picked her up even though she was almost two thirds  his size and put her into her bed. He kissed her forehead.

As he walked to his bedroom, Alec stayed silent. When he finally got there he threw himself onto his bed and wept.

Maryse was a mess, with her hair all messed up like someone had yanked it roughly out of her usual bun.

She was openly crying and Robert had turned away from the rest of the group.

Everyone was dismayed and unable to look at either of them calmly and without judgement.

Alec laughed, but it sounded inhumane, like he was choking instead of laughing.

“Am I still your prince, mother? Now that I”ve ruined all your plans? Do you still love me?”

Maryse, as though in shock, slid to the floor with her eyes wide and unseeing and did not respond.

The sword was not done though. It showed scene after scene of Maryse and Robert getting drunk and Alec picking up the pieces without complaint.

The sword became blurry again and Alec’s perfect front faded in and out as the images changed. Finally new images presented themselves.

Maryse chewed out Alec for something Jace or Izzy did. Alec didn’t give them the blame or defend himself.

Robert patted Alec on the shoulder then went to talk to Izzy. Neither noticed when he left the room.

Alec staring in the mirror and telling himself, “This is your role. Play it right and everything stays on track. Stay on track and everyone’s safe and everyone’s happy…. Everyone else…. Wear the crown, wear the burden with pride.”

He’s fifteen and running the entire insitute while his parents are aways as well as caring for his younger siblings. He says nothing as they have fun and he works on paperwork well into the night.

As the final memory started, Maryse broke the silence as she sobbed.

Alec is eighteen and his mother is drunk again. Sometimes the only way to sleep in to drown out the world, the memories, the judgment around her. She’s passed out at her desk, bottle intact but spilling out onto the carpet. Alec picked her up and like he had been doing for over a decade, he took her to her bedroom and put her to bed.

As he lays her down, she mutters up at him, “When did you grow up?”

Alec knew she wouldn’t remember this conversation tomorrow and felt brave enough to say, “When was I ever a child?”

“Oh my baby, my perfect little prince. Soon you’ll be all grown up with a wife and children of your own… You’ll make me so proud, you always make me proud… eventually...”

“Of course mom. I know what to do.”

“I know you do baby. I wish I could love that part of you, Alexander… But I can’t... It would ruin us, you understand , don’t you? You must keep it secret, or it will ruin us all. Tell me you understand, Alexander, tell me you understand.”

“I understand. Good night mother.”

“Good night, my perfect prince”

Alec went back to her study and scrubbed the alcohol out of her carpet. By morning it would be like it had never happened.

He walked to his own room, slowly. After closing the door, he slid down it, his head hanging in defeat. He grabbed a small wooden chest from the bottom drawer of the cabinet next to his door.

Inside had a tablet which he turned on then places aside. Also inside was a dagger and a packet of wet wipes. Alec opened an app on his tablet marked youtube.

The song Around by Russell Elliot played as Alec during certain points of the song, understood only by Alec, would bring the dagger to his skin and cut. He would carve a pattern into his skin with the dagger. Never a straight line but elegant curves, as beautiful as they were ugly Never deep enough to scar, just enough to make him bleed.

Alec cried as he made the marks. When the song finished, he cleaned the blade and his skin then drew an iratze. He put the items back into the chest and then back into the bottom drawer.

He cried himself to sleep.

Alec dislodged himself from Magnus, more a mess than ever. Blood gushed out of his arms and legs, round rips in a line down his sleeves and pants that echoed the wounds on his skin like the spotlights that had lead them there.

“You did this to me… These holes are from the strings you use to control me with. You couldn’t stand me cutting them so you ripped them out of me instead. That way I couldn’t heal.. But you, you all, still expect me to be the perfect soldier, the perfect son, the perfect heir… the perfect little prince… ”

He trailed off, bent over in pain.

“So I am constantly in a state of distress, forced between the wounds that can not heal and the role I can no longer fill. It’s tearing me apart and all you ever do is put more on me and watch me stubble…

“I am not some toy, a puppet for you to control, or to play with. I am my own person. I have my own life. But you forgot about that didn’t you? Tell me, was I ever good enough for you? Or was the title of prince just meant to mock me as the part I could never play? ”

Maryse opened her mouth, then closed it. There was nothing for her to say.

Alec sighed, use to the silence.

“It doesn’t matter. I’ve said my piece. Now leave. I don’t want you here anymore...”

They others shuffled towards him in hopes of offering comfort.

“I said LEAVE! Pick a door, and LEAVE!” Alec reached up and grabbed his crown then threw it onto the ground. It shattered and the jewels went flying, each becoming its own door.

“Robert, pick a door.” Maryse told her husband, with urgency in her voice.

Robert didn’t hesitate grabbing the nearest door, yanking it open and entering as quickly as he could. Maryse followed without looking back. The others glanced at Alec with rage unleashed in his eyes and despair written into his face and left to avoid worsening the situation.

But they did so with a heavy heart.

Only Magnus stayed, still on the throne.

“You can’t save me, Magnus. I’m shattered, maybe you can save the others but not me.”

“Aren’t you all one? You do make up Alec after all.”

The others may have fled this room in fear, but he had never been afraid of his shadowhunter.

“Not in here. In here, we are each our own.”

Alec turned to him, seemingly perfect once more.

“I love you, and you love me. But love is not enough to fix me. Maybe it’s enough for the others- I wouldn’t know, I never get any company in here. I must stand alone.”

“No you don’t. You don’t need to be alone.”

Alec smiled, the very first since they had first entered.

“You may not be able to fix me, but you do give me peace. When ever he is around you, I fade to almost non-existence and I know peace if only for a moment. Thank you for that.”

Magnus rested his head on Alec’s shoulder. “I hate that non-existence is your idea of peace.”

Alec kissed the top of his head and muttered, “I know”, but offered no other comfort.

“You should continue on now. Catch up to the others.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone”

“I know, but you must. You can’t stay here and I can not leave.”

And so Magnus did, though every step felt like torture.  

As he grabbed the open door handle, he took note of the Expectation rune and thought nothing good could come out of that.

“I love you”

“I love you too, now go”

And he did.