Her first time holding hands. Going out on a date. Kissing. Intimacy. Nothing seemed to feel the way everyone made it out to be. Nothing felt right. She didn't feel like she was on top of the world, floating off of the ground and wouldn't be able to reach back down.
It went a little something like this...
1. Holding Hands
The day was slowly coming to an end, and Alex had just been leaving school after staying afterwards for the chemistry club. Her boyfriend of two weeks had made the decision that they would walk back to her house together.
The started their journey, each step taking them closer to their destination. They had only been walking for a few minutes when the boy had slipped his hand in her, wrapping his fingers with hers.
People had told her that it would feel like their hand was made to fit perfectly with yours. But all Alex felt was uncomfortable. His hands were rough and calloused and all she wanted to do was let go.
But she couldn't hurt the boy's feelings and make him think she didn't want to be with him. She did! She really, truly enjoyed having a boyfriend but it just didn't feel right. But she held out until she got home, bidding the brunette a goodbye as he stalked off down the street. The farther he went, the more calm Alex was. Holding hands was not her thing.
—
2. Going on a Date
After the incident of hand holding, Alex broke up the tall brunette, realizing that he couldn't be her one. Though, a few months later, Alex had been at a local cafe doing her homework, a coffee in her hand.
The barista, a shorter boy with blonde hair, who couldn't be more than a year older than Alex, had asked her out to go to the movies that night. She obligied, a smile growing on her face. With her last boyfriend, their dates were never enjoyable. She hoped things would be different with this one.
That night, he drove up to her home in his red VW to pick her up. Off they went, the windows down, Alex's hair blowing with the whipping wind. After the movie was over, he took her to a small restaurant and bought her anything she had wanted. Alex had been happy, but nothing felt special. This was her first date, ever! You were supposed to feel something, right?
When Alex finally arrived back home, she let out a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. She went on a few more dates with the boy but she finally realized that the best part of that first night was when her feet stepped back into her apartment. Maybe dates just weren't her thing.
—
3. Kisses
Alex was 20, a sophomore in college. She was a lot older than most getting their first kiss. But Alex didn't care, she was just excited that it was finally happening.
It was late on a Wednesday night, her classes not starting until 10 am the next day. Her new boyfriend, her once best friend, sat next to her. Alex's head leant against his shoulder as they watched a Friends re-run. Light laughter filled the room and they were really enjoying themselves.
After the episode ended, the boy turned to face the redhead, his thumb grazing her jaw. He leaned in, catching Alex by surprise, and pressed their lips together. Alex soon kissed back, relishing in this new feeling. But there was no spark. Where was that feeling???
—
4. Intimacy
The two kissed for forever, hands roaming across necks and cheeks and backs and jaws. Alex sat in the boy's lap, her hands gaped over his shoulders.
His hands starting roaming around her waist, slowly playing with the hem of her shirt. She realized what was happening and her body got tense. It wasn't that she wasn't ready, oh how she was ready, but it felt weird and uncomfortable.
Alex broke the kiss and slowly made her way off of the sofa. She croaked out a small sorry and slowly made her way out of the apartment, down the stairs, and away onto the streets. The wind nipped at her cheeks as she rode her motorcycle down the road, relief filling her body.
—
Maggie.
Maggie was different. Alex felt so comfortable around the short woman, like all of her problems were suddenly gone when she was with her. Her smile could easily brighten up a room.
When Maggie came rushing into Alex's life, she didn't know what hit her. Everything in the world seemed different; she was happy when she was with Maggie.
When Maggie helped Alex realize she liked girls, everything made sense. She looked back at everything she had lived through, as if she needed glasses to see that she wasn't into boys.
She couldn't hold hands with the brunette, couldn't go on a date with the Batista, couldn't be intimate with the person she was closest with, not because she just wasn't built to like those things.
She hadn't ever really thought about it being the other thing. Liking girls. And she was so glad she had now realized it. Her whole world was so much brighter; it was shiny and new and so, so exciting.
Alex then realized that not only was she into girls, she was into a girl. Maggie. She liked Maggie. So, after coming out to the most important person in her life, she decided to take action.
That night at the bar, all of Alex's fears washed away for just a moment. That moment of her lips brushing against another woman's. She felt a shock run through her body and she felt lighter, like she was floating.
She was feeling. She felt what everyone said she was supposed to feel; she was feeling what she thought she would never feel. But it all faded when Maggie told Alex she couldn't have her.
Her first real kiss led to her first heartbreak. She drowned in sorrow and alcohol that night. She had never felt pain so strong, and she had been shot by many bullets in the past.
When Maggie said that she couldn't lose Alex as a friend or at all, she realized that Maggie did care. And she couldn't help resisting her apology. She couldn't break Maggie's heart as much as hers was.
When Maggie knocked on her apartment door later that week, surprising her with an intense speech, Alex knew she couldn't live without Maggie either. And when Maggie kissed her, she knew she should've resisted, she had broken her heart, but Alex liked this woman. The amazing woman that had opened her to a more clear world.
Alex had a girlfriend. A girlfriend! And it didn't make Alex feel uncomfortable or weird. They would hold hands. And they weren't rough and unfitting; they were small and soft and fit perfectly in her own. They went on dates, lots of dates, and she enjoyed all of them. What was once her favorite part of the date soon became her least favorite.
That was until Maggie started staying the night. They would stay up late, laying in each other's arms watching cheesy movies. They would lay in bed wrapped together, Maggie under the protection of Alex's arm, and fall asleep happily.
And one night, during a heated make out session, Maggie's hands started roaming around her shirt's rim, fiddling with its ends. And Alex didn't tense up; she didn't break apart and leave her date behind with a broken heart. She urged Maggie to continue, her shirt soon found on the floor beside her bed, along with the rest of her clothing. They woke up the next morning, their naked bodies wrapped together, pressing a light kiss to each other's lips.
Alex was finally feeling what she had thought was a myth. She was glowing, she looked like she had been shot with a love-ray, as Kara told her frequently. Alex was happy, and she was so glad she was happy. And she was happy with Maggie.
She was happy and in love.