Ophelia tried not to think about Jules. She tried not to think about where the blonde might be, or what she might be doing, and she tried not to think about how the girl might still be mad at her or how their last conversation went. She tried not to think about the words Jules had said to her, or how right she was. She knew Jules didn't mean it, that the words were said in the heat of the moment. She wasn't angry at Jules for saying them, but that didn't mean they weren't true.
Ophelia was known for fucking shit up; she wasn't known for her good looks and charm that's for sure. She had made so many mistakes in her lifetime, and Jules's didn't even know the half of them. Jules had no idea how much of a fuck up Ophelia was, and the only person that probably did was her mother as much as she hated to admit it - although her mom had never known her, she had known all the shit Ophelia had pulled because she was the one who had to pull her out of it. God, she had done some fucked up shit.
Ophelia liked to ignore the past and the problems she had had, but she had always known they'd catch up with her. She guessed now was the time they did, after all, karma is a bitch.
There was a knock on her door. Ophelia closed her eyes, maybe they would just go away if she didn't move - think she wasn't home or something. Then the door opened, and Ophelia frowned. Didn't she lock that? Her body tensed. Shit. Shit. Shit. She squeezed her eyes shut, the door closed. Oh, god. She was going to die. Fucking hell. Footsteps came towards her, and she held her breath. She heard a person sigh.
She gulped. A hand touched her shoulder. "Oph-" She screamed, and grabbed the person's hand, pulling them onto her bed and wrapping her legs around them in order to keep them still.
Right as she was about to hit them, she stopped. Her mind processing the wide-eyed, blonde beauty underneath her."Jules!" She screamed, lowering her hand.
"Ophelia!" Jules squeaked.
Ophelia dropped to the side next to her. "You scared the shit out of me." She breathed out.
"I knocked!"
"I know, I know. I was just in my thoughts, and I had locked the door, and-"
"I still have a key!"
"I know, I know. Y-you just scared me, okay?" She glanced over at Jules.
Jules gave her a smile and sat up. "Okay."
Ophelia pushed herself up on her elbows. There was a sudden awkwardness in the room. Neither one of them moved or tried to say a word. Ophelia sighed. She was going to have to be the one to start talking and break this weirdness between them. If Jules wasn't mad at her, then the girl was probably feeling shitty about what she said. Ophelia knew Jules, she had figured out how her brain worked a while ago, but she still had her doubts. She was afraid Jules was here to tell her off again. She was afraid that Jules had seen how much trouble she really was and had decided that she didn't want to be associated with it. What if this was just the calm before the storm?
Ophelia swallowed hard. She wouldn't blame her. Honestly, Ophelia deserved it. "So, uh, what are you doing here?" She asked, finally. Jules looked down at her lap. Ophelia's heart pounded. "Jules?" Her voice cracked. Although she wouldn't blame her, it didn't mean it wouldn't hurt like hell.
"I wanted to apologize," Jules said.
Ophelia cracked her a small smile, maybe this was going to go better than she thought. "You don't need to apologize." She told her truthfully.
"No, no. I do. What I said was-"
"- was said in the heat of the moment." Ophelia cut her off. "I get it." She said. "You don't need to apologize to me."
Jules's eyes met hers. "It was mean." She said. "And I said it anyway, I knew what I was saying, and I knew that it would hurt you."
Ophelia rolled her eyes. "Annnd you don't need to worry your pretty little head about it because I've already forgotten about it." It wasn't true, the words still echoed in Ophelia's mind, but Jules didn't need to know that.
"Ophelia!" Jules said. "Just let me apologize to you!" Ophelia closed her mouth. "I really wish that I could go back and change what I said, and don't pretend you're a-okay with it either. I know you. I see you, and I know what hurts you. So, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry that I hurt you."
Ophelia's breath caught in her throat. She looked away from Jules. "You don't need to apologize." She said again, quieter this time.
"Ophelia…" Jules placed a hand on her shoulder. "Please."
"No." She said. "No, you don't need to apologize. You don't need to say anything. It's in the past now, and we can forget about it."
"Please. I need too."
"You don't need to do anything!" Ophelia shouted, and Jules flinched back. "I'm not the one who gets to be hurt right now." She said. "You are going through so much shit right now, and if you need to let that out on someone I understand that, and I'm perfectly fine with that person being me. I'm a big girl Jules, I can handle a few harsh words." Ophelia argued. " I've heard worse." She let out a breath. "I've deserved worse."
Jules's face softened. "Ophelia.." She whispered. "That's not true. Just because I'm messed up doesn't give me any right to hurt you like that." She said. "And those words are so so far from the truth."
"You're wrong," Ophelia told her. "I fuck up just about everything, I deserve it. I don't think about consequences until it's too late, then someone has to pull me out of some shit storm I've created." She rants. "I.. I deserved it." She sighed. "And it's just a matter of time before you see it, see how much I mess shit up."
Jules frowned. "No." She said. "Ophelia, none of that it true. You-"
Ophelia let out a laugh. "Yeah, it is."She said, darkly. It was silence for a beat. "Harris knows." She blurted out.
Ophelia was digging herself a hole and burying herself in it. Why? She didn't really know. But, here she was giving Jules all of the reason why she should hate her.
"What?" Jules said, taking her hand away from Ophelia.
"He found my video feed, I guess I messed up and left it open." She said. "He thinks it's just me, right now, but we both know he will ask our last victim and figure out you're part two of the vigilante act."
"Oph-"
"I just keep exposing us, don't I?" Her words came out harsh, and bitter. "I said I wanted to fix you, but maybe someone needs to fix me too."
"You don't need to be fixed, O," Jules said softly, but Ophelia wasn't really listening.
"You know my parents never wanted kids," Ophelia said. "They were happy and in love until I came along. After me, they couldn't stop fighting - I'm not really sure what over- but, it was my fault. When I was fourteen, I almost broke them up for good." She said. "You wanna know what I did?"
"You don't have to-"
"I got pregnant." Ophelia had never told anyone about it, she hadn't ever spoken about it except with her parents. "My mom told me to get an abortion, my dad told me to get an adoption." She paused, and she could feel Jules's eyes on her. "Apparently, it was the same argument they had over me." Jules placed her hand over Ophelia's. "I didn't want either.." She swallowed hard. "But, I also didn't want to be the pregnant girl at school." She said.
After a moment Ophelia spoke again. "I guess Tyler's brother wasn't the first life I took."
"That's not your fault, you were a child," Jules said.
"I took my mother's side and my father… wasn't happy. He told me that he should have just let her abort me if I was going to do the same thing." Ophelia's voice shook, and Jules squeezed her hand. "When I left for college, they threw a party. I guess they're happy again, without me."
Ophelia took a breath. "I killed someone else too." She said. "My best friend actually." Jules gave her hand a squeeze again. "His name was Kyle." She continued. "I got him into some bad shit- drugs, partying- and I encouraged it. He overdosed on some pills he took at a party I invited him too. I told him it would be fun, and he's dead."
"Ophelia..."Jules spoke cautiously. "That's not your fault, even if you encouraged it, he made his own choices."
"Don't you see, I mess up everything around me!" Her voice broke.
Jules pulled her to her chest. "No, you don't." She said. "You haven't messed up me, you've only helped me."
Tears filled Ophelia's eyes. "I make mistakes." She said. "And I mess things up." The panic clear in the green haired girl's voice "And it hurts other people." Her breathing picking up faster and faster by the second. "So, they leave. You need to leave."
"I'm not going to leave you," Jules whispered into Ophelia's hair.
"I dated this girl, Sam, a few years ago." Ophelia began, again. "And, I thought it was good. We were good. But, I kept messing up, and not doing things right." She continued her voice a bit higher. "I didn't organize the cans right, and I didn't always remember to lock the door and she lived in kind of a sketchy area and so if you didn't lock the door people would steal shit. And I didn't lock the door and she left me."
"Sweetheart," Jules said. "It's okay."
"She liked to take things out on me too sometimes, it's okay. I can handle it. As long as you don't leave." Ophelia knew she wasn't making sense. She wanted Jules to leave so she wouldn't mess her up, but she also wanted Jules to stay forever and never leave her side.
"Oh, Ophelia..." Jules said. "That's not okay."
"No, no it's fine." Ophelia pleaded. "I promise."
Jules looked at her sadly. "That's abuse."
"It's okay. I-I don't care."
"Ophelia I'm not going to hurt you. I never want to hurt you."
Ophelia was shaking. "I'm sorry." She said. "I just.. I.."
Jules pulled her closer to her chest. "No, I'm sorry." She said. She rubbed Ophelia's arm. "I'm sorry."
Ophelia didn't know when she started crying. She didn't think she would ever stop. She figured Jules would get annoyed with her for it, and eventually leave, but the girl stayed. She held her in her arms as she wept. She kept whispering to Ophelia about how perfect she was, and Ophelia could barely believe the words. She wanted to go back to pretending she did, though, but she was so far past that. Still, Jules repeated herself. She told Ophelia she was sorry. She told Ophelia that nothing that happened was her fault, that everyone made mistakes.
Eventually, Ophelia fell asleep.
When she woke Jules was still there. She had a smile on her face, and Ophelia returned it. She'd give anything to wake up next to Jules again, and again.
"Hey." She said.
"Hey," Jules said back.
Ophelia looked down at the bed to avoid Jules's eyes. "I'm sorry I broke down on you like that."
"Hey," Jules said, gently lifting Ophelia's chin up with her hands. "Don't be. You can break down on me anytime."
"I.." Ophelia started. "Okay."
There was a heavy silence between them. And Ophelia scooted closer to Jules, cuddling up to her side, and placing her head on her chest. Jules intertwined their fingers, it was a more intimate position than they normally had, but it somehow felt normal.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you when I said that you were a mistake, you know that that's not true, right?"
Ophelia paused. "Maybe.." She said. "But, it's okay."
"I guess we're both fucked up, aren't we?" Jules said.
Ophelia's eyes widened. "Jules ‘Oh rats!' Thomas, did you just say the word fuck?"
Jules giggled. "I did."
Ophelia grinned. "You have come far, young grasshopper."