Chapter 32
What is wrong with me?
I can't get my brain to work properly.
I've been asleep last night and a couple of hours today and still I'm tired.
Talk about draining when I've not even done anything.
It's bloody ridiculous!
I sleep because I'm tired and even when I've slept, I wake up and I'm still tired.
What is going on.
I thought this might get better by now, it hasn't.
Leaning against the kitchen work surface Vera closed her eyes, ceasing from checking the boiling water in the pan beside her, wanting to just rest her brain for a moment or two, try and clear the fog that had been a wavering feature for the past few hours since she'd been back from work.
Even though she'd been working only a half day today and manage to take a nap when she'd returned back to Joan's, the older woman had all but told her she wouldn't have her going home when there was everything she needed at hers, that she meant it when she said she was going to look after her properly, still the brain fog wouldn't lift.
Nothing seemed to shift it.
It was like she was in a haze, muddling through the hours, not quite sure of herself and her surroundings, not able to fully concentrate.
The plan had been to come home and begin to make some food for when Joan got home, seen as the older woman had been doing a lot for her recently, in terms of cooking after work, making sure Vera was comfortable and resting, taking the medicines she'd been given, keeping Wentworth running smoothly, dealing with any problems, going to meetings and just generally being Joan, the least she could do it make them both some food, give the governor a night off, for tonight anyway.
She'd known at first what to do, what she was going to make, it was clear as day in her head driving back from the supermarket after she'd quickly popped in at dinnertime after finishing her shift, even getting home she still knew what she was planning to do. Now she'd had a nap and was stood here at the kitchen counter top with the ingredients in front of her and the pan boiling on the stove her brain had completely fogged over and she was struggling to remember what she was going to actually cook for them both, all she remembered is that she was boiling the potatoes, the rest of the ingredients in front of her were failing to spark in her brain the idea that she had this morning.
"For fucks sake come on what was I going to do?!" she grumbled to herself opening her eyes and looking for the hundredth time at the ingredients, reverting to closing her eyes again as she heard her mum's berating voice in her mind.
"See you can't cut it, you can't even remember what you were going to cook and you can't remember because you're useless, absolutely useless, not only as a daughter and a human being, in your job and life, but now as a cook, just like the slop you used to serve me, no wonder I'd spit it out, useless girl, useless!" every insult seeming more cutting than the one before.
With her eyes screwed shut even tighter, Vera pressed her hands over her ears desperately trying to rid her mums voice from her mind, tears rolling down her cheeks as the emotions welled up inside her and she was unable to suppress them, shaking her head, her frame trembling with frustration and upset at her inability to perform and execute what should have been a simple task.
It's cooking a meal.
That's all it is and you can't remember what you're meant to be cooking.
Who the hell does that?
Who remembers a couple of hours ago and now after a sleep forgets what they were going to do.
Me that's who because I'm useless.
Useless.
So useless.
I can't even do this simple thing.
It's so simple.
So bloody simple.
"Stupid you are, bloody stupid and useless, you can't do anything right!" she shouted out into the kitchen, the tears still flowing freely, a small fist making contact with the chopping board in front of her. "Your mother was right, you are a fucking waste of time. What is the matter with me, why can't I do anything, why?! I can't do this anymore, I just can't!" feeling her legs start to tremble underneath her and begin to fail in their ability to hold her up, the floor drawing her to it, the sobs making this even worse.
"I've got you" came the voice through the haze of tears, a pair of strong arms turning her round and then wrapping around her, drawing her close, even through her anguish and pain Vera recognised the voice, she'd know it anywhere, especially teamed with that perfume.
Joan.
Joan was here.
Joan was holding her.
"It's ok, I'm here" came the dulcet tones of the older woman, and dulcet they were, teamed with the strong and comforting hand holding Vera's head against her, her other arm cradling the smaller woman's frame securely against hers.
She'd just come through the front door after work and seen Vera in the kitchen, seen and heard her shouting at herself, then heard the crying, quickly followed by the weakening of the knees, her deputy heading for the floor.
That wasn't going to happen.
Not a chance.
Not while I'm here.
That's when she'd made short work of closing the distance between them and cradling Vera to her before she was anywhere near the floor, and now here they were stood in the kitchen, Vera in her lounge wear, Joan in her uniform, minus shoes, slippers instead, the older woman with a secure grip of Vera, soothing her with soft words of comfort, brushing her thumb against her hair over her temple.
"There we are, that's better" Joan murmured softly as Vera calmed down, her crying ceasing and being replaced by a quiet and calmer woman who was simply enjoying being held by the woman she loved, kissing the top of Vera's head.
"I..I didn't hear you come in" Vera whispered.
"Stealthy you see" Joan whispered jokingly, gaining a little chuckle from Vera. "What...what happened to make you so upset, hm?" she asked gently, wanting to understand and help Vera if she could.
Vera sniffled softly, her fingers playing with a button on Joan's trench coat, seeing the way the cotton threaded through the holes of said button, her mind thinking over what to say and deciding honesty was best, it's what she'd always asked for and promised Joan.
"I...I was going to cook dinner for us.." she started, eyes still on the button as she spoke."I had it all planned, what I was going to make, I got the ingredients after work and put them all away at dinnertime when I got back, then I had a nap, I came to start making the food, put the potatoes on to boil..then...then I forgot, completely forgot what I was going to make for us, I stood there trying so hard to remember but my mind was all foggy, like it'd gone blank. Then...then I...I heard...heard my mum, heard her saying how useless I was, useless because I couldn't remember, couldn't see through the fog and just cook dinner, this..this made me upset, upset and frustrated because..because I do feel useless, I wanted to have it all ready for you when you came home, you've cooked dinner so many times for us that I wanted to cook it for us, for you, that's...that's why I was crying" keeping her eyes fixed on said button, feeling embarrassed at her outburst.
Now she knows she say anything, do anything.
Other people would.
They'd say I was silly for it.
Silly for overreacting for nothing.
That it's a stupid way to behave.
Or that I should just have remembered.
That is wasn't that hard to remember.
"Look at me?" Joan requested softly, Vera tilting her head up to lock eyes with the older woman. "You're not useless in the slightest, you could never be useless, it doesn't matter that you've forgotten what you were going to make, we all forget things, it just that because you're not well it makes it feel worse for you. You wanting to make dinner for us is sweet, kind and thoughtful. Whatever horrible things your mother told you, none of those were true, none of them, I see you, see you for all you are, all you bring to my life and not a single one of these is horrible, they're all wonderful....just like you" the hand that had previously been stroking Vera's head, now cupping the side of her face, brushing her cheek with her thumb as she gazed down at her.
Vera smiled up at Joan's words, closing her eyes and leaning her face into the gentle touch, enjoying it for a few minutes, her own smaller hand laying over the top, stroking her thumb across Joan's fingers.
"Thank you" Vera whispered, blue eyes being revealed to Joan again.
Joan nodded, smiling back down at Vera.
"How about I quickly shower and change, then I'll come back down here and we can maybe figure out what you were wanting to make, and make it together?" trying to suggest something that might help Vera remember what she wanted to make, also something she might enjoy doing too.
"I'd like that" Vera said, her eyes still with Joan's.
"Then that's what we shall do. You rest for a minute whilst I change and I'll be down soon and we can figure something out....together" leaning down to capture a quick kiss off Vera, before heading upstairs after taking off and hanging her trench coat up.
"That was lovely, thank you" Joan commented after finishing the last of the meal they'd prepared together, both their plates clean, the most she'd seen Vera eat in a while, the medicine she'd been taking made her appetite go up and down, as did the nausea and fatigue.
"I've got it" Vera said, rising from her own chair and taking both plates to the sink, smiling at Joan as she did, the older woman watching from her place from the dining table, sipping the last of her water, pausing to consider the younger woman with her back to her at the sink.
Look at her.
Such a vulnerable soul at the moment.
Getting upset because she couldn't remember what she wanted to cook.
She didn't have to cook at all, but I know how important things like this are to her.
I couldn't not dash over and hold her, it just wasn't an option.
She was upset and distressed so I had to step in.
Step in and hold her, comfort her.
She's my Vera.
Moving her chair from the table she got up and made her way to the sink, putting the glass to the side, snaking her arms around Vera's waist, her chin on her shoulder.
"Mmmm" Vera murmured softly, leaning back against her as she continued to wash the pots.
"Have you seen that there, I think you've missed a bit" Joan remarked glancing at Vera out of the corner of her eye and then down into the bowl at the plate Vera was holding.
"Missed a bit, where?" Vera frowned softly, her eyes drawn down and her head dipping forward to inspect the plate, not noticing Joan's hand lose contact with her waist for a split second, the large hand quickly dipping into the bowl and bubbles, gently applying a little pile onto the end of her nose.
"What the.." Vera exclaimed on feeling the suds on her face, half turning to look up to the smugly grinning face of the governor.
"Ok, maybe you didn't miss a bit" she replied, giving a soft wink to Vera, the deputy unable to stop a smile at the wink, letting the plate sink into the bowl so her hands were free, one of her hands reaching up to tap a small pile of suds to the end of Joan's nose.
"Oi" Joan chuckled softly, looking down at Vera who was now leaned against the sink looking up at her smiling and giggling at her reaction.
I've not seen her this relaxed in a while since she's been back to work.
It must be hard for her wanting to go back to work but not being fully ready to.
But she wanted to go back so I put her on half shifts, no way is she going on full ones yet.
She'd be exhausted and far too stressed.
I won't have her put under that unnecessary stress for nothing.
Not a chance.
I'll do everything in my power to make things as easy as possible for her.
Everything.
"Thank you" Vera said, her arms snaking around Joan's waist, pulling the older woman close.
"For what?".
"For today, tonight. The way you've handle the situation...how I was before dinner, I was in a mess but you knew exactly how to sort it out, sort me out, how to comfort me, how to make me feel better. No one else knows how to do that, no one ever could, no one but you, and I appreciate it, I appreciate all of it, just like I appreciate you, so much" her eyes conveying her appreciation, it was true, no one could calm her down and get her to settle like Joan could, just the older woman's presence and scent had an effect on Vera.
Joan smiled shyly at the words, dipping her eyes for a second before bringing her eyes back to Vera.
"I wouldn't want it any other way, with anyone else. I'm lucky to have you, very lucky. Thank you for being here....being here with me, and for...for being you. I appreciate what you....what you do for me very much" brown eyes showing the sincerity of their words, leaning down to wrap her arms around Vera and pull her close, resting her chin on her shoulder.
"I read a quote the other day and it reminded me of you. It said It takes billions of people to complete the world, but it only take you to complete me. It's so true, I'd be truly lost without you" Vera said lovingly squeezing Joan's waist, her head resting against Joan's.
"I love you" Joan whispered, closing her eyes, smiling to herself at Vera's words.