Chapter 12
Control.
That's what was needed.
What was important in keeping hold of.
The control.
It always had been.
Without it what else was there.
The night had started pleasant enough, both of them meeting at a bar for a few drinks, conversation flowing, until the change, the turn, all it took was one shift in the atmosphere, in the personnel.
Then it started.
The fizzing in the stomach, the flared nostrils.
A man talking to Vera as she'd gone to the bar for more drinks.
The way he stood too near her, made her smile, made her laugh, dared to look like that at her, making Vera look back at him, smiling at him, her eyes happy, nodding as he spoke.
Joan clenched her fists in her lap, dark eyes flitting between the two of them, the exchanges continuing, waiting for their turn to be served.
Her blood starting to boil, her temperature rising the more she watched.
The more she endured.
The pain.
The torment.
Those feelings connected to being a small child, growing up.
When she was left on her own be it at home or when her father took her out, he'd leave her on her own, walk off, just leave her without a word.
Abandoned.
Left on her own, people walking away.
Look at her Joan, the way she's acting with him was her father's voice creeping into her mind, her already full mind.
Full of racing thoughts and possibilities.
Thoughts of Vera and him.
Staying there in front of her all night, Vera going home with him, not with Joan, away from Joan except at work, unless he came to meet Vera from work, drop her off.
Taking her away from her, having her as his, Joan never having Vera as hers again.
Then she'd be alone.
Alone.
Her breathing increasing as she wound herself up, this being increased by the voice of her father taunting her. Pushing herself out of her chair from under the table, straightening up and smoothing her jumper down, walking over to the targets at the bar.
"What's going on?" came the blunt question, causing Vera to glance up as she heard Joan, smiling as she turned to face her.
"Hey you, going on, nothing, just waiting to be served, seems to be taking ages tonight".
Joan looked between her companion and the man next to her, pushing so she was stood in the middle, parting them both, glaring at the man.
"Joan?" Vera frowned.
"Don't" her head snapping back to the call of her name. "Don't you say anything, I've seen enough" attention back to the young man at her side.
"I suggest you move around the other side of the bar and do it now".
"You what?" he chuckled, the laugh enough to inflame the already tense governor.
"I said move around the other side of the bar" leaning her face down into his.
What is going on with her tonight, where's this come from, one minute I'm ordering drinks, the next she's here and getting in this man's face.
"Joan don't.." started Vera, her hand taking hold of one of the older woman's wrists and pulling it gently in her direction.
Head snapping round at the touch, her eyes glanced down to the contact and then raised to Vera.
"Release my wrist" her eyes fixing on her deputy.
"Not until you stop this, it's not necessary Joan, there's no need for this...".
"Release my wrist Vera..." her tone cool and cold, dark eyes piercing.
Vera shook her head, her hand remaining.
"Vera, you don't want to do that..." her attention suddenly turning back to the man, his voice making her.
"Why don't you just piss off and leave her and me alone you freak!".
Freak.
That word.
The one single word.
It hit deep inside like a dagger.
A place that it seemed only that word could do.
A place deep inside, like I'd been shot.
The pain.
Breathing heavy, quickening, weight on my chest.
Heart pounding.
Escape. I have to get out.
Widening eyes at the man, she roughly pulled her wrist from the grasp of Vera, getting her bag from the chair at the table and marching out of the building not looking back.
Eyes darting around as the fresh night air hit, lungs grasping for the coolness of it.
"Joan wait!" the voice from behind her, heels tapping the floor, running to keep up with her.
Joan didn't turn around she kept her eyes facing forward, anywhere but to look at the figure who'd joined her outside.
"Joan...stop..." the tapping of the heels ceasing, being replaced by light panting from having ran in heels out of the bar to catch up with the woman in question, who she now stood in front of looking up at.
Eyes forward Joan, don't look at her.
What have I told you about her Joan, she's trouble for you.
You don't get close to people do you.
The older woman shook her head, trying to shake the voice from her skull.
"Joan look at me...please" hands on hers, holding hers gently to which she pulled away, still Vera tried again. "Ok don't hold my hands but at least look at me!".
The more insistent tone forcing the governor to look down into the blue eyes looking up at hers.
"What was that just then eh? You didn't have to be like that".
Joan flared her nostrils lightly which Vera saw, she couldn't not see it when it happened.
"I did and you know full well why".
The younger woman flashed her a frown.
"I don't, I don't know why".
"I saw you with him at the bar, cosy and laughing, him looking at you like a piece of meat" scoffing and shaking her head.
"What, are you actually serious, him!? He was a guy stood at the bar which happened to be next to me whilst we waited to order our drinks...".
"He wasn't just standing there and neither were you, men don't just do that to women, they leer at them, lull them into a false sense of security and then pounce, they take advantage, are only after one thing.." into her stride now at rhyming off the supposed danger of men and why they shouldn't be trusted.
Vera stood and listened, shaking her head, her hand rubbing her forehead trying to make sense of what Joan was rambling to her.
Then the pacing started, pacing as she spoke, hands waving in the air and more shakes of the head from the dark hair governor.
"Joan.." Vera murmured softly, trying to connect to the woman in front of her.
"No, I can't, I won't lose control...I won't...not with you.." suddenly addressing Vera, pausing her pacing to look down at her. "I'll not allow it, I'll sort it first, sort the situation, stop it now..".
"Stop what Joan, I don't understand.." she trailed off, a thought flashing across her mind making her swallow a small fear lump that had appeared in her throat.
Did Joan mean finish them?
Whatever them was.
Stop them spending time together, bonding, the only time allowed being their work relationship.
But I don't want this, don't want to stop bonding with her.
I want her, I've told her this.
But then this outburst, an outburst that seem to have set something off in the depths of her soul, bring it to the surface.
Something from the past.
Her past.
"This.." moving a hand between them both. "This..." she repeated, a breath hitching in her throat, her breathing increasing again before she moved away from the smaller woman, another glance to the blue eyes that caused it seemed to result in her legs carrying her away into the night, leaving a stunned deputy in her wake.
Then came the questions, so may questions flowing through Vera's mind.
What on earth just happened here.
What happened to her.
What happened before Wentworth.
Way before Wentworth.
Way before anything else.
What has been done to you Joan?