Chapter 10
"I erm...I'm..." mouth and throat dry, this happened a lot in front of Vera too.
"Well?" the younger woman's tone sharp.
Lost for words.
Unable to form a proper sentence.
Guilt.
That's what this was.
Guilt at being the reason for this petite woman's tears.
"I...I just wanted...I wanted to say..." her eyes dropping to her shoes as she shuffled on the spot, her fists balled at her sides, tensing then loosening them each in turn.
"About before, what happened....I'm....sorry" her voice barely a whisper, forcing the words from her mouth.
Needing to say them.
Standing on the doorstep Vera watched her, her eyes taking in the sight before her, from her feet to the top of her head.
She makes me frustrated, so frustrated, tonight especially.
But at the same time all the other feelings seem to outweigh her negatives ones.
I just wish she'd listen and believe me when I say I want her, because it's true I do want her, no one else just her.
Bloody hell fire Joan Ferguson.
"Are you?" she couldn't help it, she didn't mean to say it but the earlier exchange had hurt her, maybe she was giving some back to its owner.
The dark haired woman nodded.
"I shouldn't have said it....I was wrong, I just....I get...I get...concerned, no I mean...I just....I'm..s...sorry" her eyes moving up from her feet as she spoke, making sure she was looking at the woman she was talking to.
I know she's sorry, I can tell.
And I know she gets scared, I do too I guess I just have better ways of expressing it than she does.
How can I not forgive her, the fact she's here at my door saying sorry for a start is a big something from her, a sign that she genuinely is sorry.
With no response from Vera, Joan took one last look before making to turn away from the door, defeated, this being stopped by a hand grabbing her wrist causing her to look back at the smaller woman.
Turning fully back round she searched Vera's face, small hands moving to either side of the governor's collar of her coat, pulling her close to her and half into the house, Joan leaning down to make their faces be on level.
Vera looked into her eyes, those big, dark brown eyes, such eyes she has, hands still holding her coat.
"I think I can forgive you" her straight face being replaced by a soft smile.
Joan's face conveying her relief, smiled too, immediately pulling Vera into her body, holding her close against her, closing her eyes.
Releasing the breath she'd been holding.
Her chest feeling that bit lighter.
I'm lucky she forgives me, very lucky, not many women would.
But somehow she does.
She actually forgives my faults, doesn't hold them against me.
"Thank you" came the whisper against Vera's hair, Vera wrapping her arms around Joan's body.
"Will you stay with me tonight?" she asked against Joan's chest, just enjoying being held by her.
Holding her in her arms and hearing what she asked, Joan's heart stilled that bit more from the thumping it'd be doing since she pulled up outside.
Vera wanted her near her still, despite their argument.
She wanted to be near Vera.
She always wanted to these days it seemed.
Joan nodded into her hair.
"Yes of course".
She squeezed the waist of the older woman and moved them into the hallway, Joan closing and then locking Vera's door.
Taking Joan's hand she led her up the stairs and into her bedroom, closing the door behind them and coming to stand in front of the older woman, reaching up on tip toes to slip the unbuttoned trench coat off her shoulders, letting it drop to the floor, her eyes with Joan's.
"I would like to lay with you and feel your skin against mine.." she began softly, noting the look of fear flash across Joan's features, wanting to calm her she carried on speaking.
"Not like that.....yet, but maybe in our underwear together, I just want you to hold me like that and me hold you, I want to be close against you Joan".
I want to feel her skin against mine, her arms holding me close to her and vice versa.
Feel her body close to mine and mine close to hers.
I need that contact with her.
Studying Vera's face she saw nothing but truth and sincerity, her blue eyes conveying her pure wanting to be close to her and no underlying signs of pushing for anything else.
Joan nodded in response, despite the nerves running around her body.
She'd never done this before, never been asked this.
No one had ever wanted to be close to her, this close.
But this woman did, she wanted to be close to her.
Had asked to be close to her.
Genuinely asked, no games, no underhand reasons.
Just because she wanted to.
"I can do that, thank you" mumbled Joan softly on feeling Vera's hands on the knot of her tie after she'd removed and folded her suit jacket, putting on the dresser nearby, the touch on or near the front of her neck unnerving.
"Ok.." sensing the stiffening of the woman in front of her at the contact, Vera gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, retiring to bed, the governor undressing in the darkness.
With each of them under the duvet Vera glanced to the silhouette of the dark haired woman, beckoning her to her.
"Come here" her arms open.
She wants to hold me.
Vera hold me.
Hold me close.
Shuffling across the mattress, Joan laid her head against Vera's shoulder, feeling arms wrap around her body, the first touch of the small hands against her skin on her waist and back causing a gasp which turned into a murmur, her body relaxing against Vera, one of her arms draping across the toned stomach of the other woman, holding her at her hip, smiling to herself as she heard a murmur of approval from the woman whose arms she was led in.
I didn't think it would feel like this.
As relaxed as this.
I'm here led in just my underwear being held by another woman.
And I feel relaxed.
Not anxious or frightened or like I want to flee.
Relaxed.
"Are you ok?" asked Joan into the darkness of the bedroom, the only light being a chink through a gap in the curtains.
"Very much so, are you?" smiled Vera, cuddling as close as she could to the woman in her arms.
Joan nodded, her head lifting from its position to look at Vera, touching her lips to the other woman's in a soft kiss, parting and settling back in their previous positions, gently rubbing the back of the older woman.
"Thank you" whispered Joan.
"For what?
"For today" was the simple response.
This caused a smile in Vera, her fingertips catching the edge of Joan's knickers on her hips, a sigh leaving the older woman's lips.
Shit.
Did I just sigh out loud.
That wasn't mean to happen.
I'm not meant to do that kind of thing.
Express them kind of things.
Especially not in bed.
Should keep them to myself.
In my head.
Saying nothing Vera gently inched her fingers under the waistband and stroked the other woman's hip, smiling as Joan sighed again, her hips settling against Vera's side.
That touch on my hip is so nice.
I feel myself feeling like I did the other morning when I was touching her.
That fuzzy feeling.
Body getting warm.
What's the word.
Pleasure.
"Is that nice?" wanting to be sure that Joan was comfortable and enjoying her touch against her, this being the first time she'd ever touched Joan.
"Mmm hmm" Joan nodded.
Vera's fingers continued, the older woman feeling herself getting a little turned on, this feeling travelling down between her thighs.
This isn't how I'm supposed to behave.
I'm not meant to have these feelings.
Have someone touch me like this.
This close to between my legs.
That close.
Close.
"N..No..".
Her breath catching in her throat realising what they were doing and what might happen.
"Joan, are you ok?" hearing the response.
No response at first.
"It's this...being..being close there..I can't...I mean" her body starting to inch backwards away from Vera.
"Joan...".
"I can't....not this...it's not.." her words ceasing, being replaced by her shaking her head to herself.
Panic.
I can't.
Not now.
It's not right, I shouldn't.
I'm not allowed.
Not that kind of thing.
Control.
No control.
Control.
Disappointment.
"Shhhh" a hand taking hold of Joan's wrist stopping her getting fully out of the bed, coaxing the older woman from her thoughts and back into the present moment.
"We...you don't have to do anything, doing nothing is ok. I'll not touch you there, I promise".
Breathing having increased more than normal, Joan's eyes eventually found Vera's.
"Ok.." moving back onto the bed, another pause, letting her breathing slow down more, then finding the space again against Vera.
"There..." small arms cradling the body of Joan on the feeling the weight against her again, rubbing her hand in a soothing motion against her back.
A larger hand returning to the hip of Vera, the arm draped back across her toned stomach.
Closing her eyes Joan gave a quiet sigh into the space between Vera's shoulder and neck, this being greeted with a kiss to the top of her head.
Well this day had certainly been a different one.
A different one in so many ways.
Bad different and then good different.
Bad due to arguing with the governor, a heated argument.
Good for ending the day with an apology, or at least a Joan style apology, followed by this closeness.
Gentle closeness.
Apart from the slight wobble of a what was that, a panicking older woman.
A nearly dashing from the bed and then bedroom older woman.
But she'd managed to prevent that.
Maybe it was a little sign.
A sign that she might just might slowly be heading down the right path.
That path of only just starting to begin to discover the various twist turns and levels that made up one intricate person.
One intricate and mysterious governor.