Chapter 6
Looking up from her paperwork she took a couple of minutes to study the woman who was across from her at the desk, totally unaware that she was being watched.
Vera.
That name.
That name that had become a returning one in her mind.
It'd been two days since their evening out and still there it was.
Their shift had ended an hour or so ago but the amount of paperwork from the day had meant both of them in the governor's office out of hours just to get it cleared.
"Vera?".
"Yes, Joan?" her eyes still on what she was working on.
"Saturday night...".
"Yes..." glancing up to Joan, pausing her writing.
Joan swallowed as she connected with the blue eyes of her deputy.
Vera waited for a response.
"When we....when we...when we...".
"Kissed..." Vera finished for her.
"Yes that, was it..." cogs in her mind whirring to find the right words.
Come on Joan if you're going to say it then just say it.
Again she attempted.
Eyes down to the papers, then up again.
"Was it...for you, I mean did you...".
Vera put her pen down seeing the older woman fighting her words.
"Did I like it?".
Joan nodded her yes.
Vera then returned that nod.
"I did, I wouldn't have done it otherwise".
Well that was one matter sorted in Joan's mind, Vera had actually liked it like was claimed on the night, but what if she'd just done it for the sake of it, some other matter she wasn't privy to, a con, set up, something to 'out' Joan, humiliate her?
"But did you really? I mean...you could have just done it for the sake of it, for something to do, I mean I am your boss, you're my deputy how do I know..." her words coming out fast and in a babble, her nerves rising as she spoke, not looking at Vera anymore, not being able to.
Vera frowned as Joan babbled, sensing the atmosphere changing in the room, watching as her boss got to feet and started pacing beside the desk, her fist balled at her sides.
"Yes you are my boss, but I don't do things like that lightly believe it or not, especially not with my boss...".
"But...but you might have some plan, what if it gets out, what if you didn't really like it, just did it and now regret it, it'd..it'd ruin things, ruin me, I'd be humiliated, alone, laughed at, people would called me a freak, I'd get sacked, have no job no nothing, things would crash down on me, what if I had to go away then, away from everything all because of what happened, I'd lose everything, lose my career, you..." suddenly stopping from rambling as her body began shaking, her hand tapping her forehead, almost like she was trying to empty her thoughts or stop them.
Halfway through watching Joan pace about Vera had got up from her chair, moving nearby as she sensed the older woman getting more and more wound up, moving to place her hand on her upper arm like she had in the past, it being batted away as soon as contact was made.
"D...Don't touch me! Don't because you...you don't mean it, not like that!" her voice coming out in gasps, her breathing ragged.
The younger woman frowned.
"What do you mean I don't mean it like that...like what?".
"Y...You know what I mean, like that, not, not in a friendly way but the other way, I don't want you doing it to pity me because you feel you have to, I'd rather you left me alone!" desperately trying to hold onto the firmness in her voice.
Moving her hand Vera took a moment to try and process the information she was being bombarded with, jumping back as Joan picked up the empty glass she'd been drinking from whilst working and launching it at the wall, the force causing it to shatter over the office carpet, the younger woman moving out of the way, her head snapping back to the trembling figure whose eyes were locked on her.
"N...now you can go, tell everyone what a monster I am, tell them what we did and why you did it, to pity me, not because you liked it and me..." suddenly her breath hitching as she spoke, knowing she'd said more than she'd wanted, her trembling tone not one of aggression but of what was that Vera heard, sadness, upset, fear.
Staying where she stood, Vera looked into the eyes not moving from hers, deep into those dark eyes, those sad and hurt eyes, she didn't see aggression, the opposite, she saw someone who had had aggression directed at her from a young age and needed comfort, reassurance.
"Have you finished yet?" her tone soft, raising her eyebrows.
Wait, what this isn't meant to be her response.
The response totally throwing the older woman, fully expecting her deputy to be out of the door after shouting all manner of things at her.
Joan swallowed not saying anything, her hands trembling, breathing heavy.
"Well, have you, Joan answer me, have you finished yet?" her tone more firm.
Again a swallow, her eyes taking a look at the smashed glass on the floor, back to Vera they went before she nodded to the question posed to her.
"Is that a yes?" wanting an actual verbal answer from the woman in question.
"Y...Yes" Joan whispered, swallowing the upset lump in her throat, eyes to the floor.
Without another word Vera was over to the dark haired woman, standing in front of her.
"For the record I don't think you're a monster, also while we're here I didn't kiss you because I pity you or for some other reason you might have made up in your head. I did it because I wanted to, I wanted to kiss you because I happen to like you, are you listening to me Joan..." hands on the still balled fists she'd taken hold of as she carried on speaking, her voice soft. "I like you, as a friend yes but it's grown past that kind of liking too, past more than a friend".
She likes me more than a friend.
More than a friend.
What.
Really.
The words going around the governor's head until her brain registered what they actually meant. Eyes moving from the floor to settle on the woman who'd said them, a couple of swallows still not getting rid of the lump, not quite sure what to say, words failing her, that was until she felt damp on one of her cheeks, then the other, tears. Her legs suddenly not strong enough to hold her up, sinking to her knees, her body giving up and expelling her feelings, coming out in body racking sobs.
Vera sat on the floor, her arms around the upper body of Joan pulling her into her chest, her cheek against the top of Joan's hair, rocking her soothingly as she whispered.
"It's alright, I'm here....shhh" her own eyes closing at hearing the woman in her arms so upset.
Un clenching her fists Joan reached her arms out and put them where they'd been only a couple of nights before, around the waist of the small woman who was holding her, Vera smiling to herself at the contact, her hand rounding smoothing motions on Joan's back.
Vera wasn't aware of how long they'd been sat there as she felt the sobs slowing down and then stop, not moving until Joan did, wanting the older woman to feel ok to move herself.
Sniffing Joan moved her head out from its place under Vera's chin, raising her eyes to look up at the other woman, a wave of relief washing over her as she saw Vera smiling down at her.
"Ok?" came the whisper from the smaller woman.
Joan nodded, a hand across her face trying to remove the remaining tears on her cheeks.
"I think it's time we went home don't you?".
Again the governor nodded, finding her voice and stating.
"I...I don't want to be on my own tonight...".
Her own head wondering if she had heard this statement right.
What is going on, I can't be thinking straight.
What is happening to me.
Why don't I feel stupid or anything stating this.
"Then I'll stay with you, we'll go now and I'll stay with you at your house if that's what you want?".
"P...please".
Arriving at her house, with Vera parking behind her, Joan moved into the house, her coat being hung up, keys in the bowl, shoes off, roughly unpinning her bun, not bothering about anything else, moving to the sofa, aware of Vera sitting down next to her, saying nothing as she looked to her, her face saying the vulnerability she was feeling.
Vera saw it.
Look at her, she's so vulnerable.
People who don't know or understand her haven't a clue.
Monster.
No.
More like emotionally neglected.
"It's alright, I'm here and will just sit here with you" her voice caring and understanding.
I want her to hold me, but what would she say.
I've never asked anyone to hold me.
Never dared, because of what they might say.
Dare I ask her.
She held me before in the office, maybe she'd do it again.
Just ask her Joan.
"W...would you hold me, please?" dark brown eyes pleading, unsure now of the request she'd just put forth.
"Of course I will" gathering Joan into her arms without hesitation, Joan shuffling and snuggling into Vera, burying her face into her neck, closing her eyes.
Feeling the older woman in her arms, Vera smiled to herself, her hand gently stroking through the dark locks as she felt Joan relax more at the touch, one of her boss's arms laying across her stomach, the hand resting on her hip.
She rested her cheek on the top of Joan's head again, listening as she heard Joan whisper.
"Thank you.." and then nuzzle into her more, this gesture meaning more at that moment than any words could.
"You're welcome" she whispered back, tenderly adding. "Now go to sleep, I've got you, you're safe".
She's holding me, reassuring me, not shouting or running away.
Her arms are tight around me making me feel secure.
Dare I close my eyes, dare I fall asleep.
Do I trust her enough?
Do I?
Yes.
Somehow yes I do.
I do trust her.
Right now and in this moment I might just trust her more than I've trusted anyone.
Her heavy and sleep laden eyes closed, allowing herself to drift off to sleep in her deputy's arms.