“Have you ever looked around in a crowded room and felt like the only person in it? Mark told me that, “it’s easy to be the coolest person in the room, all you have to do is find the right room, BUT, if you are the coolest person in the room then you’re nowhere worth being.” I used to think that was true. I used to think a lot of things are true. Now the only thing I think is true is that I was wrong… about everything. It was all a lie and no matter how hard I try to find one part of it that was my own, one thing that was true or even one aspect of the person I used to be that was genuine, I find nothing. Much like now… I look inside and I see nothing and these days the only thing that makes me happy is Warren and I know that’s not healthy, nor is it fair to Warren. He deserve a whole person, not a fragmented kid. I’d be more of a project than a boyfriend. “The Prescott Puzzle: ages 18 and up””
I stare at an empty wall, a wall that used to have all the photos I was proud of, or at least I thought I was proud of. In truth it was all just to impress Mark. “You know, I thought I loved him. He came in so smooth and handsome and smart and I fell for it. I was so taken with him that I never noticed how he was manipulating me. Right up until the end I couldn’t see that there were all these strings on me” I hold up my arm and angrily swat at the invisible snipped lines that hang from it. “-and at the other end it was Mark. Previously it was my dad pulling those strings to make me dance, I guess I was used to it, so I didn’t notice when Mark took the reins. No matter how hard he pulled me in the wrong direction I followed. Mark was the perfect balance of the carrot and the stick. He’d bully me and make me feel complete in the same sentence. I didn’t know it was manipulation even though I’d been raised with it my whole life. For some reason I felt it came from a point of love, I told myself that he was just trying to do right by me.
I’m surprised they let me come back to school. I’m surprised by a lot of things. “Do you know what it feels like to be forgiven for something truly horrible? It makes you feel even guiltier. All it tells me is that I hurt a really good person instead of a shitty one and that makes me feel worse. She comes by you know, Kate. She stops in and asks me how I’m doing, or to see if I need anything. I don’t believe in god, I mean how could I? But Kate man, she is so genuine that it almost makes me. She keeps telling me that no one is perfect, that no matter how cute and adorable someone looks no one is ever innocent, and that’s okay. She tells me about all the things that she does that have corrupted her, or how it upsets her that people still think she’s some naive goody goody that can’t have fun or break the rules. She said Jesus died so we wouldn’t have to be perfect because perfection is impossible, the she drifted off and said, “Well, at the very least it’s subjective.” She still tells me over and over again that she forgives me and that she won’t stop coming over until I forgive myself. I told her that we might as well get married cause I think I could go my whole life and never burry the guilt. Warren told me that it’s going to kill me. That I made that first brave step and now I need to take the next. Forgiving someone else is easy. Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing in the world.”
“Nathen, I think you’ve made some great stride in such a short time. Remember you were a victim, just like Kate.”
I fly across the room in rage, “I’m nothing like that angel!” the fury in my voice deflates as I fight back tears. “He. Used. Me. He used me to hurt people. How can you forgive yourself for being so stupid?”
“Maybe you can’t. but it’s done. You can’t go back. You can beat yourself up over it for the rest of the life you’re sure to waste if you do… or… you can go out there and do the best you can to make sure it never happens again and to find a purpose that fills you with something that isn’t fear and hate. Maybe help people. Help people that have been through the same thing you have. Or go to the people that you’ve hurt, especially the ones that can’t or won’t forgive you and see how you can make it easier on them. You hurt Kate on a level I can’t imagine but she’s well adjusted, and it’s because she forgave you. Go and try to give that peace of mind to someone else, since it seems to escape you.”
She’s right. But I have no idea how to start. “Thank you Dr. Caligari. And thank you for coming to my dorm. I’m sorry for all the things I’ve put you through over the years.” She gathers her things and heads to the door. “You know Nathen, just seeing you navigate all these emotions the way that you have over the last month has been enough for me. After what you’ve been though in your life… if you hadn’t made that step, that choice to change things you would have ended up just like Jefferson. His past is a lot like yours, but you chose to be better. If there is someone out there that makes you want to be a better person then go hold them and never let go, have them as long as they will have you and do everything you can to not push them away. See you tomorrow Nathan.”
She leaves and I find myself alone staring at the blank wall. It reminds me of myself. It used to be covered with things that I thought everyone would like, now it’s empty and waiting to be filled with things that are mine. Every cell in my body wants to leap into action but first I need a plan and who better for that than Warren Graham. Besides Victoria still isn’t talking to me. Maybe I should start with her. Not so we can be friends again, but so that she can feel better about everything. During the trial they found all of Jefferson’s note books, all of them full except for two. The one for Max the 12 year old boy and one for Victoria, my best friend. I told the court that I knew the whole time that they were next, but I couldn’t tell them. I was crippled by such a complex cocktail of consternation, conscription and control that I never even thought about it. Kate was right about it not being me. I look back at it and I can’t even fathom doing that now. That’s where the guilt is, because I would never do that to Victoria or even Max and I used to hate her. I mean I still do but no one deserves that. Not even that arrogant skinny bitch.
I walk into Warren’s room, it’s littered with clothes, books and dvd’s but he’s not here yet. He’s still in class. I don’t start till next semester but the School allowed me to be placed in their custodial care in an effort to rehabilitate me. Warren asked me if I really wanted to come back to Blackwell and I see why. I get nothing but ugly looks all day. I used to be the most popular kind in this fucker and now I’m a leper. I’m not mad, as a matter of fact I knew it would happen but I wasn’t going to run away. I need to be here and face all the people I lied to and hurt. People need to know that running away never solves anything.
I lay in Warren’s bed for a moment to wait for him but I fall right asleep. It seems that his dorm is the only place where my bones feel safe enough to rest because I never sleep when I’m alone in my room but if I’m in this bed I fall right away. I think it’s Warrens smell. I can’t place my noes on it but it’s this perfect mix of cheap cologne, photo-chemicals, popcorn and his own sweet smell. A deep breath in this bed is like a deep hug that sooths me to sleep.
…
There’s only one thing on this planet that feels like that, it’s Warren kissing me as his pursed lips turn to a smile. My eyes pry open from the sleep that glued them shut. I smile back at him, he’s the only person that looks at me this way. Like I haven’t committed a single sin. Kate is a close second but you can tell that it’s not absolution but rather forgiveness. “Hey beaut-“ I go to say but he kisses me again. Giggling behind closed eyes and lips. I try to speak but again I’m silenced by his advances. After a few more attempts I give up and give in. He can make hours feel like minutes, I don’t think I’ve ever been in love before but I swear to god it’s a form of time travel.
I despise it in the morning when I know he has to leave for class, that last hour before he walks out that door. It’s those times. The moments just before you know you are about to part, that you cherish the most. Those counted seconds and minutes that stack up deliberately in your mind, those are euphoric. They make you question why you didn’t cherish the uncounted moments more.
He kisses me and places his hand on my heart. “And how is it mending today?” he asks. A few nights ago he told me that beneath every bad boy is a broken heart. I don’t think he knows how right he is. The old me would have retorted with, “No, Warren. Behind every bad boy is a trail of broken hearts”
“I think it found something to do.” I say as he takes of his shirt. “Or someone?” he laughs as he goes in to take mine as well. “Not today Warren. I really have something to work on and I’d like your help.” He sits up. “Of course. You know I’d do anything for you.” He really would, and for the first time I feel the same way toward someone else without it feeling forced. I feel bad I didn’t sex him up but honestly I’m just worn out and I don’t know if it’s a nerd boy thing or what but this kid knows how to wear someone down in the sack. I swear I have nothing left after Nathen and I finish. Maybe he knows I don’t sleep well and is trying to put me into a sex coma.
I can finally talk about my feelings when it comes to gay sex and all I have to say is that it is fucking the best! I’ve had hetero sex and it’s fine and all, but something about there being two dicks in the same bed… it’s like having sex while camping, Fucking intense.
“I need to help Victoria move on, I need to help her forgive me for herself. I don’t care if she never wants to see me again, it isn’t about me. It’s about her. Then if I manage to do that then the next person on my list is Chloe Price. I know she was close with Rachel and I need her to place all the blame on me and not herself. It’s the least I can do.” Warren moves in close and holds me, “But it wasn’t your fault, you’re not to blame.” My teeth grind back the tears as I look away. “Maybe so, but if I can carry that weight for her then it is literally the least I can do. Sometimes you have to heal the hurt by hating and if I need to be the focus of all that rage and hate then fine. It’s not like I’m new to the sensation.”
“Okay, but we’re going to need help. I think Kate should come. If anyone can help Victoria forgive you then it might be her. She was actually affected and not just betraye-.” He pauses and looks on with horror. “Nate I didn’-.” “It’s okay. You’re right, and I know you didn’t mean anything by it. Besides…” I weave my fingers into his. “If we are going to do this, and be in it together… then I’m going to need you to be honest with me and not walk on eggshells. I promise I’m not a landmine. I know how you feel about me and I know that you’re not here to hurt me. Besides, I’m just a downer with a smile.”
He laughs nervously. “You’re not a downer, but you certainly don’t smile enough.” I nudge him, “If you don’t think I smile enough then I’m fucked because I smile the most when you’re near.” I say with a childish grin from ear to ear as I sway side to side.
Warren calls Kate and asks her to meet us at Victoria’s room. Since all this has gone down her and Victoria have become real close, like REEAALL close. I’m the only one who knows, which means Warren knows too, but the two of them have become quite the pair. Kate was telling me about everything that happened while I was away and apparently Victoria saved Kate poor Kate from Killing herself. Then Kate has saved Victoria in almost every other way possible. The things they have done together since then… well all I’ll say is that Kate wasn’t lying when she said that no one is innocent, not even the little cute adorable ones among us with accented noses. In fact sometimes they are the freakiest of them all. I never understand why Kate feels comfortable telling me her sexual history… Especially considering… maybe she feels like there is no way I could judge her, I don’t know, but the girl unloads on me.
“Kate says that they’re going to the diner and that we should meet them there.” Warren says giving me the anticipation shakes. “Does Vic know we’re coming?”
Warren rubs the back of his neck and looks toward the ground as he stutters to start a sentence, it means no. “Okay, okay. Come here. It’s okay. I know things like this give you panic attacks.” I take his face in my hands and look up at him. He places his fingers over my palms and grips tight, holding on for life. He almost wants to scream. I realize that Warren and I haven’t been together that long, but I swear it’s not the years, but the miles that matter and Warren and I have been on a non-stop adrenaline ride through each other’s worst. As much as I’ve opened up to him he’s opened up to me. I know things about Warren Graham that would shock you. No one is innocent. Not even the nerdy kid with the Schrodinger’s cat joke on his shirt, you know, the one that waits by your locker after the bell. No, that kid has some fucked up secrets too. We all make mistakes.
The car ride is hard. Even though Warren is a mess because he hates confrontation he’s going to do this with me… for me. He even offered to drive since my mind is racing a million miles an hour he thought that my driving would too, but the truth us I would have gone molasses in december slow to stall what I’m about to face.
The car settles as Warren puts it in park. The engine rests and you can hear it. The deafening silence that this small port town affords you. Arcadia bay, the town without a sound, but somehow still the most interesting place on the planet.
“Chlick, RRrreeeeh, pachump!” the door handle clicks the door squeals and then slams closed. Each sound making me shutter. The sunlight bleeds out of the night sky, the day is almost dead and night is springing to life. There is Kate, sitting in the diner in perfect view, as cute as pile of Beanie Babies being trampled on by a dozen fluffy golden retriever pups. Then there is Victoria and for once she doesn’t look like she’s too good to be somewhere.
“She looks happy, I should go. She doesn’t need closure.” I about face but warren clotheslines me into a hug and an iron grip, he’s scary strong. Nerd Strength. COUGH Masturbation! COUGH.
“Don’t chicken out now KIDDO. Kate and I have talked about this. Yes Victoria is happy with Kate, but we both know that, unwilling or not, her best friend not being honest with her about something like that has fucked her up. All you have to do is tell her that it wasn’t her fault. She did nothing wrong and that you have no idea how you could have even let something like that happen.”
“I DON’T! I can’t believe I would do that to her, of all people!” he looks at me with stoic eyes filled with tenderness.
“I’m not the one you need to tell.” And points to Victoria dipping her pizza in Ranch like some Midwestern girl when she’s so obviously trying to be from the Valley. “Take a breath, make a wish, count to three.” He says looking at the glowing windows of the Diner framing Kate and Victoria in some beautiful moving picture. A feeling rushes over me, not just one, but many. Elation, excitement, confusion, panic, sadness. My face is mobile and quizzical as I study the image. I bound to the car and take out my camera, I hated having it around but Warren keeps it nearby just in case.
I set my F-stops and adjust my aperture, for the mixed lighting. Digital cameras have ruined photographers, too many chances to get things right. A real artist, all he needs is one. Inhale, admire, squeeze, exhale, and wait till the darkroom reveals your truth.
“That was the first picture you’ve taken since…”
*“Since Kate… in the Darkroom. I don’t know what came over me. Mr. Jefferson, he wanted to capture that moment when Innocence was lost. When girls like Kate, or Max crossed that line. I want to show that moment when they stand up to reality and smile. Kate says no one’s innocent, I think she’s wrong. I think Innocence is more resilient than we give it credit for, that in that diner, and in that photo is all the proof I’ll ever need. Two people who should be devastated and jaded from what happened to them but there they are, doing the most innocent thing two people can do. Enjoying the company of the person they love.” I look over at Warren. “The same thing I’m doing now.”
Warren takes a step back, and then two forward. “Are you saying..?” I thread my fingers between his. “I love you Warren Graham. I know it’s crazy and we haven’t kno-” , “I love you too. So much Nathan, for so long. I just never thought a person like you, would ev-” “What? A person like me? What does that even mean?” I chuckle with a familiar desperation. A beat. “I’m nothing, nothing more than you… never was.” He starts crying, not openly, his face never winces and he never bellows out air. In fact he smiles as tears spill from his blinking eyes. “Nathan…” he says as he hugs me harder than I’ve ever been hugged before. “Ugh… Warren… too hard, too hard. Going-to-kill-me.” I manage to squeak out of my collapsing esophagus. He loosens his grip. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I’ve just..” “I know. Me too. You have no idea. After my last relationship, you are a fucking angel.”
…
Warren goes first. Victoria is facing the door and he was afraid that if I went in that she would bolt. “What’s up nerd?” Victoria says. Even though all the craziness has made Victoria softer and more accepting of people. (Hell she’s friends with Max now.) She’s still Victoria and being a bit of a cunt is just part of the package. That’s why I think it’s so cute that Kate and her are together. You should see it when Victoria cusses or takes the lords name in vain. Kate winces and Victoria apologizes and feels shameful. Kate is a reminder to Victoria that her words affect people and have consequences.
“Hey Victoria.”
“Take a seat.” Vic says patting the space next to her. Now she’s trapped, but if you think Warren is strong then you haven’t met Victoria, she’s got mad bitch strength. “What’s up? Kate said you wanted to talk. It’s not about one of your weird anime's is it? I told you the last time I will not go see Akira at the drive in with you.”
“Umm, why are you asking my Girlfriend out to the Drive In Warren Graham?” Kate launches dagger eyes at Warren,
Warren fidgets in his seat about to have a break down. His nerves are shaking him out of control and words come out like whipped cream from a can that someone has sucked all the nitrous out of. Kate wraps delicate China-white fingers around Warren’s trembling tantrum hands and within moments he’s calm. I swear Kate is some kind of faith healer, maybe god does exist and he’s flowing through Kate Marsh. That girl can calm the storm inside of almost anyone. She’s tamed the Great Victoria, calmed warren the worrier and has brought a smile to the face of Nathan the guilty.*
“It’s okay Warren. I got this.” She says closing her eyes somberly and nodding her head with a hinted tone of optimism. “Victoria. What did you tell me this morning?”
Vic looks at Kate with a suspicious eye. “What? That your butt looked cute in my red thong?” Kate blushes, and says with a rushed hushed tone, “No not that goober, the other thing.”, “That I love your cute little pink nipples?” Vic says reaching over the table with pincer hands. Kate shrinks and looks over at warren wearing ten shades of red. “you know what I mean Victoria.”
“With him here?” Vic says
“Yes with him here. Warren is alright.”
Victoria looks at Kate and smiles as blood rushes her face. “That I love you, Kate.” Kate’s smile is so beautifully bright it could guide in the ships to the harbor. “Yes, and I love you too. Keeping that feeling in your heart, it’s because I love you that I want you to keep an open mind and give this a chance.” Victoria looks at Kate, then over at Warren, then back at Kate. “REALLY?! With him? … Fine. Yes I’ll have a threesome with you but only because I love you… Warren wouldn’t have been my first choice though and I wish that you would have consulted me before you offered me up in bed.”
Kate and Warrens jaws have found themselves resting comfortably on the table unable to rejoin their top teeth or the conversation. Kate shakes her head, “NO… EW… NO!” –
“Well fuck you too, Kate. You’d be lucky to get me in bed. That goes for both of you.” Kate slaps Warren’s hands. This heal-slut has packs a pistol. “Warren Focus.”
“Right, right, sorry. That was… it just caught me with one foot off the merry-go-round is all.”
“Victoria, I know how all this has affected you. So please, if not for you then for me, just hear him out.”
“What are you tal-” I step out from behind the other booth near the door, wearing the Jacket she gave me. “Hi…” I say meekly with my eyes aimed down. “What the actual FUCK KATE!?! You know I never wanted to see him again.” “Fine, if after this you never want to see him again, I’ll personally make sure of it, but please just give him a chance.”
Victoria fights to get out of the seat, Kate’s Calming palm catches Victoria’s shoulder. “If I can forgive him then at least you can sit down for five minutes and talk to him. Every person has their own version of a story. Listen to his.” Victoria sits down conflicted. “Okay. But I have to do it alone.”
Kate nods and begins to get up. Victoria stops her. “No, I’ll go outside with him.” She stabs me with her sharp eyes. “I’m going to need a smoke.” I produce one from my case. The one habit I haven’t let go of yet. “You sure that’s not going to knock me out or kill me?” “Maybe in 20 or 30 years.” Victoria lets out a single chuckle, a chuck if you will.
She stands up and so does Kate. Kate goes in and hugs her tight, you can almost see her giving Victoria energy. She stands on her tippy toes and gives her a kiss that sets Victoria on fire. I’ve never seen Vic so alive. It looks like both of us were finally honest with ourselves. It’s one of the reasons we were so close. We each knew the truth about the other but we couldn’t do anything about it… or at least we thought we couldn’t. We had no idea that the world wouldn’t end if we came out as being Bi or gay to our parents.
…
It’s a long walk to the end of the dock and the whole way Victoria keeps me in the corner of her eye. I don’t blame her. she must think that at any moment I could take her away to fill in that empty red binder with her name on it. With the way things went down it must feel like a bullet, A bullet literally with her name on it, and a bullet that she dodged. She’s mad at me because I knew there was a gun aimed at her and never told her.
Once at the end I offer her a smoke. She looks at it with hesitation. I place it and another in my lips and light it up. I inhale the anxiety and exhale the relief. I take another drag. “Satisfied?”
“Barely.” She says taking the one furthest from her. “So what do you have to say to me?”
“What is it that you want to hear?”
“If you have anything other than the truth for me, I’m putting this out on your forehead and leaving.”
“That’s fair.”
“Fair? You think any of this is fair? Nate, I was your best friend. I helped you keep your secret from your dad. I pretended to date you when you needed me to. I was there when your father tried to get you locked up for what you did to those animals, EVERYTHING NATHAN! I WAS THERE FOR YOU!!” she deflates, there’s a beat. “And when I needed you to just… tell me the truth. To protect ME. You did more than bail. You kept it from me, knowing what he was going to do to me. Even if Rachel was a mistake and Jerffershit was the one that killed her. You knew that he planned to strip me down and take photos of me! And I know that I take pictures like that for boys or girls, but ITS ME! MY CHOICE! I,I… I just don’t understand. Please help me understand because I’ve wanted to forgive you. Kate did and she… What you did to her… What I did to her.”
She looks off across the bay. I never even stopped to think about the guilt she might carry. She bullied the hell out of poor Kate Marsh to the point where she tried to take a broken mirror to her wrists Vic knocked just in time to save a life.
“I’m so mad at you Nathan. I almost killed Kate because I trusted you. I bullied her because I thought her skinny-pale-Bible-Humping-ass was lying about what she thought you did to her. I couldn’t believe that you’d do something like that Nathan, but even if I could the thing that I knew for a fact would never happen was that you’d lie to me about it. So if you told me that it was bullshit then I knew the bitch was lying, because you and I Nate!! WE DON’T HAVE SECRETS!!” She slugs me hard across the face and I fall back. She grabs my jacket collar and pulls me back up only to gut punch me. Her dad used to beat her - She lands another solid left Jab in my chest - so she learned how to fight and put all her power into a punch. “How could you?!? … HOW?... how … how…” Her hits lose steam, she’s not out of physical endurance, far from it. It’s the emotional endurance that is failing her. She falls down knees, her heels far apart but her knees touching in a V shape.
I sit down on the dock with folded legs and hold her in my lap like I did when we were kids. She’s sobbing. I haven’t seen her like this since her dog, Nikki died. That dog was the first that that showed Vic real unconditional love. I hold her just like I did on that day. “I know what I did to you, and to Kate, is unforgiveable. I look back on all that and I don’t even know who that person was. You know me Vic. You know I’d never do anything like that to you. Who helped you steal all that money from your dad and run away to Paris when he hit you? Who was there when you had a miscarriage from that asshole that never called you? Who dug that hole we berried Nikki in and held in it while you held her, until you could let go? I could go on for days Vic. I don’t need you to forgive me for me. I need you to forgive me for you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I don’t even know what I was thinking. I was brainwashed and fooled and the thing that kills me is that I was in sitting behind my eyes watching the whole thing, the whole time and it wasn’t until Warren kissed me that whatever hold the drugs and Mark had over me was broken. You don’t ever have to see me again. If you want me gone I will go. I just need you to know that I never meant any of it. I swear. And if it wasn’t warren’s kiss that saved me then it would have been you asking for help. I would have killed Mark then.”
Silence. Then sniffles as she wipes her face on my jacket. I know what she’s thinking, because we’re almost always thinking the same thing. She’s thinking how easily she was fooled by him too. We both started off last year with a crush on Mark. It could have just as easily been Vic that did all that stuff. Lord knows she could have been his Pied-piper.
“I know Nathan, I know. I forgive you. I really do. And honestly it’s all because of Kate, a kiss changed my life too. So I guess we have that in common. The losers saved us both.
I’m just going to need some time. But soon enough we’ll be back to normal. I’ve known you my whole life. I’m not just going to give up on you now.”
She hugs me close and kisses me on the cheek.
“Yeah! Way to go!” the voice comes from behind me as lame as can be, its warren jumping up in the air and Kate smiles wide with her head tilted.
“How long were you there?” Vic asks.
“Long enough to know us losers have made their mark on you cool kids.” Kate says happier than I ever remember her being. “Maybe us losers will just go off and make-out while you two have a little kiss and make-up.”
“Oh sweetie, that was so bad. Worst pun ever, you should be Punished! Thank god your little pink nipples look good in my red thong.” Vic says undressing Kate with her eyes.
“Does she now?” I add in mentally unwrapping her too, realizing that it might be too soon to be making jokes about that. Vic sees this and glides over it.
“Yes sir, and what about your boy what his lanky nerd ass got hiding under those baggy jeans?”
“Girl… let me just say… kid makes up for his social anxiety when he’s naked.
Kate lasers in on us with comedic-anger. “You guys are the worst. If only I wasn’t such a fool for you Victoria. Come on, you have to make it up to me.” , “Make what up to you?”
“Spilling my secrets. Lets just say that by the time I’m done with you, talking will be off the table.” Kate turns and walks away and warren folds his arm into hers like a gentleman.
Vic looks over at me. “Don’t think we’re finished talking. I have so many questions and you better have answers… but it’s good to have my friend back Nathan. I missed you.”
She runs after Angel Kate, “Warren Graham you better take your hands off my woman!”
“I missed you too Victoria.” I’m going to get better, together we can beat this. I have Kate the healer, Warren the loyal and now Victoria the companion. I’m going to be alright, now just to see to Chloe and that she’ll be alright.