*
Sometimes Eva was overwhelmed by how beautiful boys were.
By how beautiful girls were.
Faces on the bus, in the streets, in magazines. Her friends.
But she simply smiled, lowered her eyes and grabbed Jonas’ hand, shrugging it off.
It still made her heart flutter and tremble, whenever she buried her hand in his curls, whenever his lips met her neck. It was all soft shirts and fingertips on her skin, sending shivers down her spine. Cicadas and heavy summer-air wrapping itself around them, a haze of small kisses and dry grass under their hands. Heated asphalt beneath them, the sound of skateboards scratching and clanking, boyish laughter echoing over the yard.
And Eva’s heart screamed with love- raw, new and fresh.
*
Summer faded, making way for crispy mornings and burning leaves. School started, the dream was over and reality hit Eva with full force. Unknown voices in the hallways making her nauseas. New faces, dizzying around her and judging her from afar.
Jonas’ and Isak’s smiles alone were her anchor that kept her barely grounded.
A month passed and she felt thin and stretched out, struggling to keep her nerves. Ingrid’s condescending glares felt like daggers in her chest and Jonas avoided her eyes, kissing her worried questions off her lips.
Anxiety, like ants under her skin crawling and burying, kept her up all night.
That’s when she realised that boys and girls weren’t just beautiful, but also cruel.
*
Noora Saertre accepted you friend request.
Her heart took a great leap as Eva smiled through the haze of tears, feeling the pressure growing in her chest.
*
Suddenly, Eva was surrounded by shining, dazzling girls. Girls that fought and bit and clawed, yet at the end of the day loved and cared for each other. Girls that pulled her back on her feet, at least some sort of support. It was enough at the beginning, enough to take grand steps she wouldn’t have dared to take on her own.
There was wonderful, funny Chris, who managed to magic a smile on everyone’s face, who captured them all in her huge, tender heart, loving them equally.
There was strong and sharp Sana. Rough edges hiding gentle sides, devotion and love shining through her eyes that she reserved only for them.
There was Vilde, light and soft, nervous eyes dancing from one to another, pink lips pulled in an insecure smile. Vilde that tried her best to improve and to better herself, who lost her way so many times.
And then there was Noora. Illuminating, the rock that steadied them all, who brought them back to earth, who wasn’t afraid to resist.
Noora, who made Eva’s heart flutter shyly in her chest. Cherry-red smiles that attracted all the attention. Silver eyes set reassuringly on her, a light in the darkness.
Waking up after a breath-taking dream- gentle fingers drawing over curves, skin tingling, sweet lips pressed against her neck, bright hair tangled under her fingers- Eva simply smiled and sighed, warm feeling spreading into every fibre of her body.
It was all good.
New and fascinating, but the only pressure was the one in her chest, when she saw Noora standing in the yard each morning.
All good.
And Eva realised that girls were beautiful and cruel and life-saving.
*
At first, William changed the pleasant flutter of her heart into a gentle sting. She didn’t cry, though her smile faltered at first as soon as Noora turned her back.
But after a while, Eva felt the fondness spreading in all her limbs, wishing the other girl all happiness she deserved. Seeing Noora smile was all she needed and all that truly mattered.
*
The absence of Jonas and Isak was worse.
She missed their rough jokes and bony shoulders bumping against hers. Their silly banter and breaking laughter.
Sure, Jonas was there sometimes, but meeting his eyes was worse than she had expected it to be. He had been her first everything. First kiss, first time, first love. No one can simply forget about old times, about those feelings that occupied one’s every hour.
Nursing the wounds with cheap, bitter wine made it all bearable. Nights fuzzy and warm, someone’s lips on hers that kept her going, kept her trying and trying.
What were her limits? Where did she start, where did she end?
Reminding herself that Jonas didn’t have the answers, she kept on laughing and partying.
Watching Isak from afar growing tall, cheekbones sharpening and smile turning harder, woke a biting, bitter feeling in her stomach. Pity or anger or sadness, she wasn’t sure anymore.
Seeing him with Sara, seeing him with Penetrator-Chris for all the wrong reasons- and she wasn’t there for him. Wasn’t there when his best friend came home with a bloody nose and when his hair suddenly shortened, dark circles under his eyes due to lack of sleep. Wasn’t there to wrap her arms around his tense shoulders in comfort.
Sometimes Eva felt like she had to break and shatter everything she already possessed to change her life, to form her own, new future. To build something new from the pieces was harder than she could’ve imagined, but she kept going.
It hurt, sure. It hurt, the knowledge that boys were beautiful and cruel and indispensable.
But it was also wonderful, in a way.
*
Seeing Vilde, slowly crumbling under the weight of it all, seeing the corners of her lips slightly turned down, was something that hit Eva with full force, unexpectedly.
So, she took her hand, hugged her, stroke her hair and hoped her fingers could brush away the pain.
Capturing Vilde’s lips between her own, tasting he sweet tongue coated with wine, hadn’t been planned. It was something she did with a blurry vision and substance coursing her veins, and Eva did not regret it at all, the thrill shooting down her spine.
What she did regret though, was Vilde’s blushing cheeks, eyes widened in denial.
“I made out with Eva. And the feelings that arise do not necessarily mean that you are a lesbian.”
“What feelings?”
“Turned on.”
Eva agreed. It doesn’t have to mean that you are a lesbian. She herself knew for a fact, boys and girls could make her heart race equally as much. But it still could apply to Vilde.
And her heart broke a little when she met Vilde’s eyes, wide and clear but so full of fear. All she wanted to do, was to hold her, press her against her heart and tell her that everything was going to be ok. Eva’s chest had clenched when she saw Noora and William, but her heart ripped itself apart whenever Vilde smiled at her with those sad, broken eyes. Like nothing had happened, like she wasn’t aching on the inside and screaming.
They never talked about the nights, when in a drunken haze of ecstasy, their lips found each other, arms curling around necks and curves. Eva always remembered it, no matter how drunk she’d been. Vilde, however, did not. A glass of wine apparently managed to shoot her into oblivion already.
Beautiful, cruel, life-saving and heart-breaking. That’s what Eva thought when she looked at girls and her skin tingled.
*
And then summer came around once again and Noora was gone. Eva felt it in an empty corner of her chest, hollow and stinging. But the happiness and love she felt on behalf of her was stronger, so she kept on smiling and calling her every evening.
Chris barely showed her face anymore, unless with Kasper tugged by her side and Eva was happy for her too.
When they sat as trio on the bench in the park, Eva noticed though, that the empty spaces beside them stretched and consumed them. Vilde’s hair messy and unkempt, her stuttering voice filling the silence desperately- it was all too much. Eva put an arm around her and met Sana’s gaze, her knowing eyes narrowing, mouth curled in a pitiful smile.
Of course, she knew. And Eva was relieved that she wasn’t alone in her worry.
As soon as Vilde pitched the idea of a ‘Kosegruppa’ near the end of summer, Sana and Eva did everything to support her, to console her and bring her project to life. The bright, happy smile Vilde gave them was reward enough and Eva felt lighter.
They still kissed and kept on wrapping it in silence.
P-Chris’ lips were nice and she loved burying her hand in his hair, cupping his strong jaw. But she missed the soft sighs, tender hands on her waist and fluttering lashes against her cheek.
Nevertheless, it had to be enough. Maybe one day she would be able to kiss Vilde without having drunken half a bottle of wine first.
*
When Noora returned, it was as if they woke up from a long, deep slumber. Eva’s heart gave a simple, gentle tug when she looked at those bright, familiar eyes. But the stumble she had been used to was reserved for a different face, crowned by snowy-blonde hair also, eyes ocean-deep.
*
Jonas passed her in the school-yard, laughing with those other two guys he had befriended. To her surprise, she barely noticed the sting in her chest. But when she saw Isak scuffling after them, hood over his beanie and shadowed eyes cast on the floor, it hit her like a truck.
The anger that had filled her a few months ago had completely disappeared, replaced with nagging worry. He looked like she had felt a year ago, barely a solid person, just a shadow of himself.
*
“Hey, have you guys heard the rumours about Isak and that Even guy?”
“What rumours?”
“Apparently, they had a thing and that’s also the reason why he and Mahdi fought that one time.”
“Where did you hear that?”
“Some first year I know heard Emma talking about it and she knows Even’s girlfriend and they apparently ditched them both on Halloween. And Mahdi is homophobic because he is Muslim, so they fought at that party. I even saw them that evening.”
“Vilde, you can’t just believe every bullshit people spread around. First of all, Mahdi is neither Muslim nor homophobic and being homophobic does not come from religion. Isak also put out that accusation and it makes more sense to me now… But secondly, that boy’s love-life is none of our business.”
“Well… Noora and I are sort of guilty of spying after him… We tried to find out if he had a thing with Penetrator-Chris last year.”
“You did what?!”
“Calm down, Sana. At least we didn’t start spreading any rumours, like that Emma-girl. If she is right, it’s really shitty of her to tell everyone.”
“I think I am going to ask him…”
“Vilde, please don’t.”
“Wait, what if it’s all true…does that mean the ghost in the cabin was right??? That Isak is homo??? I am freaked out, guys.”
Eva couldn’t get that conversation out of her head. Vilde had seemed really interested in Isak’s sexuality, as if it were her personal quest to find out the truth. For some reason, Eva suspected it wasn’t the only thing she wanted to enlighten herself about. The hope that suddenly settled in her joints was spreading and Eva tried hard, not to focus on it, living her days as if Vilde’s smile didn’t make her lose her breath.
And she knew she wasn’t in the right place to help Isak, yet her heart clenched at the thought of him, alone and scared.
Boys that were beautiful and cruel and indispensable and breath-taking surrounded him. She had known that feeling too well, one year ago.
*
Christmas-time came with icy winds and long nights, yet Eva hadn’t felt this content for a long time. Sitting with all the girls, laughing and chatting like in old times, wrapped her in a cloud of familiarity and warmth. The bubbly feeling in her stomach didn’t subside, it even increased as soon as Isak sat down next to her, glowing and shining. Pride rose and clogged her throat while she observed his loving gaze in Even’s direction, that small gentle smile playing on his lips.
He was right.
Life was now, at that was the only thing that mattered.
Eva turned her head to look for Vilde and her heart stopped as she spotted her, arms wrapped around Magnus, lips pressing against his. A searing rip and suddenly the fairy-lights around her, the merry melodies- it all felt insignificant compared to Vilde’s hands, tangled in the wrong hair.
Life was now, but sometimes it was nice imagining a glorious future and fighting for it.
*
“Hei, Even.”
The boy looked up and gave her a friendly smile, sending a wave of warmth through Eva’s chest. It was no wonder Isak had fallen for him, as the sun seemed dull and boring compared to Even’s laughter.
“Halla.”
Eva sat down beside him on the sofa, letting her eyes roam over the crowded room. Isak and his boys were nowhere to be seen.
“Where’s Isak?” she threw him a careful glance, searching for uneasiness on his features, but Even shrugged indifferently, smirk curling his lips.
“He hid himself in the bathroom with the others. Smoking.” He seemed cool with it and Eva exhaled in relief. Her heart fluttered nervously as she coughed and searched for the right words.
“May I ask you something? It might be a bit personal…”
He took a sip of his beer and shuffled closer to her, smiling reassuringly.
“Of course, go ahead.”
Eva took a deep breath. “When did you find out you liked boys too?”
Even’s laughter was comforting and kind, untangling the uneasiness in her chest.
“Well…” he put a thoughtful hand on his chin, eyes set on his bottle. “I guess I never really had that moment of revelation. I’ve never limited myself, to be honest, and until I was 14 I had never really thought about it. Sometimes it was a bit overwhelming though, that everyone was so beautiful as soon as I liked them. I remember a guy asking me if I’d ever date a boy. My answer was, that I would date anyone as long as I liked the person. Then I met Sonja and it sort of disappeared from my mind. I knew by then that I was pansexual, but many people thought it unimportant since I had a girlfriend anyway. Until Isak came along and confirmed what I’d said. So yeah, gender and sex were never boundaries for me.”
Eva listened intently, fascinated at the casual tone his voice held. She wished it had been the same for her. Feeling his eyes on her, she looked at her hands, fumbling with her glass nervously.
“Are you asking because of…personal reasons?” he asked softly, carefully.
Eva shrugged, not sure what to say, how to say what was keeping her awake all night. It wasn’t her own heart that confused her.
“Well, I’ve sort of found out I like boys and girls last year… It was quite new and I was uncertain at first…” she glanced up to see him nod understandingly and carried on with more strength.
“But that is fine for me. I just… I know someone. And they worry me, because I think they might struggle with themselves and their identity and I just want to help them figure it out, without being scared… I mean, you probably know how Isak fought with himself, right?”
Her heart jumped pleasantly at the fondness that overtook Even’s eyes.
“I do, yes. It broke my heart. But I couldn’t do much except being there for him. Which I wasn’t for some period of time and I still hate myself for that.” His voice wavered with a hint of bitterness, but his lips kept their smile. “In the end, they have to find it out themselves. All we can do is give them a shoulder to lean on and all the support they need.”
Eva smiled as he leaned forward and gripped her shoulder gently, making her look up.
“I am sorry if I am not a big help. But this is the only advice I can give: Stay by their side, maybe give them a gentle nudge in the right direction and let them figure it out on their own.”
The crowd parted and Sana and Vilde appeared, laughing brightly. Even shuffled to make room for them, giving Eva a last comforting smile. She barely noticed it, eyes set on Vilde’s shining eyes and her smile as she greeted them, feeling her thighs that pressed against hers.
A tremble overtook her.
Even exchanging a knowing gaze with Sana went unnoticed.
Yes, boys and girls were beautiful. But right now, there was only one girl that managed to send her blood rushing and breath hitching.
And Eva wouldn’t give up so easy on that spark in her chest.