i never said "in love"
Heading to the empty room, the only thing Tobin felt was anger. She could feel it running in her veins, her heart pounding fast and her fists almost clenched. This was all on Kelley. Surfing with Christen, pretending to date Christen, being unable to shake off Christen's taste and forget Christen's lips on her own. Kelley was the only one responsible for that.
When she closed the door behind her and locked it, she was already going through her contact list. She walked up and down the room, the ringing of her phone almost unbearable. Finally, someone answered.
"What is it with you calling me two hundred times, today?"
Tobin could feel Kelley's smirk through the phone and god, did it make her even angrier. She didn't bother to say so much as a hello and directly tackled the elephant in the room.
"You bailed on Christen to sleep with Sonnett. And don't you dare try to deny it, O'Hara."
"Wow there, Heath. Since when aren't we on a first name basis?"
"Since you're the reason I'm stuck at a wedding with Press and I'm making a fool of myself!"
"Wait. Pressi took you to the wedding?" Kelley asked, surprised. "Why?"
Tobin huffed at the question. She had the nerve to ask why. "I don't know, you tell me. How's your family doing?"
"Oh, it's cancelled because of a few delayed flights. They couldn't all make it," Kelley said as if it were the most obvious thing.
"How fucking convenient. Did Emily's flight got delayed too? For several days?"
"I think you're reading a little too much into this, Toby. Sonnett and I are good friends, you know that."
"So I'm sure your good friend isn't dressed in Stanford gear from head to toe as we're talking." The two seconds it took Kelley to come up with a witty reply were enough for Tobin to know she had been right from the start. "You're unbelievable," she sighed.
"I literally haven't said a single thing confirming your far-fetched theory. You're making things up, man."
Tobin chuckled without even a hint of humor in her tone. They had been friends long enough for Kelley to know something wasn't going as Tobin would've wanted.
"Alright, spill. What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
Kelley stayed silent, not buying it but Tobin refused to talk so she added, "Am I supposed to believe that you called me twice within the hour to yell at me for a so-called relationship with Sonnett-"
"I never said relationship," Tobin cut her off.
"- for a so-called whatever you think is going on between us? You're acting weird, you're angry. Yes you are," Kelley asserted when she heard that Tobin was about to protest. "You're angry and something is off with you. So what's wrong?"
"It's nothing, I just- Whatever, forget about it."
"Tobin," Kelley warned her in a gentle tone.
Tobin leaned back against the wall and gave up. The reason why she had Kelley on the phone was to talk about what was going through her mind. Now was not the moment to back off. "Christen and I are pretending to be dating," she sighed.
"What?" Kelley asked, dumbfounded. I wasn't the answer she expected. "Why?"
"I don't know," Tobin groaned, running a hand across her face. "The bride tried to get on her nerves or something and she told her I was her date, like her date date. And now, we have to pull this stupid thing off."
Kelley barely let her finish. "Did you guys kiss?" She asked, unable to hide the excitement in her voice.
"Why would you even ask me that?" Tobin let out an exasperated sigh. Of course, it had to be Kelley's first question. She should've known better.
"Did you?"
"Yes, she kissed me."
Kelley squealed into the phone and Tobin put it away from her ear for a second. "Oh my god. Em's never going to believe this."
"Exactly, she won't believe it. And you know why? Because you're not going to tell her anything."
"Why not? This is hilarious," Kelley chuckled. Tobin stayed silent on the other end, clearly not as amused as her friend. "At least, admit it's a little bit funny."
"Not really, no."
"Come on, man, lighten up. It's a wedding! I mean sure Megan is a bit of a bitch and you're pretending to be in a relationship but there's free alcohol and you're with Press," Kelley said loudly and way too cheerfully for Tobin at the moment. Tobin's silence left her to think for a second before she asked, "So why are you mad?"
"I'm not mad."
"Fine. Not mad. Got it. What are we settling on then? Anxious? Panicked?"
"I feel... different, alright? And there's a high chance it's only because of the champagne so let's just forget about this."
"Different about what?" Tobin picked at her nails, not brave enough to say it out loud. Kelley took a guess, "About Press?"
"Maybe."
"Tobs," Kelley drew out the nickname with a gentle chuckle and it gave Tobin the impression that Kelley was talking to a child. "Press is hot, nice and pretty amazing, I have to admit. You're tipsy, she kissed you and now you're scared you might have feelings for her because you enjoyed it." Tobin wondered how Kelley's words were supposed to comfort her but she was glad she didn't have to explain the situation. "Look, don't worry about this. Trust me, it's nothing. And whatever it is you're feeling right now, you won't even remember it tomorrow."
Kelley wasn't the one Tobin usually went to for advice or comfort. She was a great friend but she wasn't Tobin's go-to person when something went wrong. No, Kelley was fun. Kelley was all childish pranks and loud laughs and dirty jokes. But somehow, the assurance that emanated from her at that moment made Tobin realize she wouldn't have wanted anyone else on the other end.
Tobin sighed, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you for that. What time is it for you?"
"One in the morning but I couldn't sleep anyway. So, don't worry about it."
"Too bored now that you're alone?"
"I've said it once and I'll say it again. You're making things up."
"Whatever you say." Tobin looked at her phone screen to check for how long she had been calling Kelley. "Look, I should probably get back there."
"Hey, Tobin? Can you tell Christen what happened? I don't want her to think I lied."
"What's the official version?"
"What I told you. Family reunion was cancelled. And I stayed with Sonnett in Atlanta."
"To get laid."
Kelley laughed heartily. "I don't understand your obsession with my sexual life. You're the one playing wifey with Press."
"Shut up."
Tobin's annoyed voice turned into an exasperated sigh but she couldn't help but chuckle at the situation. A comfortable silence settled between them and even with two thousand miles keeping them apart, Tobin could have sworn she felt her friend's warmth next to her.
"It wasn't planned," Kelley blurted out.
"What are you talking about?"
"Her, staying at my place. I know you don't believe me but it wasn't planned."
There was an unusual softness in Kelley's words that contrasted with her typical humor. Tobin let her head fall back against the wooden door, eyes shut. She knew Kelley wasn't one to let her friends down for a fling.
"I believe you."
Tobin was about to add something else when a sudden knock on the door and a loud feminine voice startled her.
"Tobin?"
The firm knock turned into thumps and Tobin heard her name being called too many times.
"I really have to go, I'll call you later."
"Fine. But stop this whole 'stressing out because I think I'm in love with my teammate' phase," Kelley said so seriously that Tobin could see her pointing at her chest with a reprimanding glare. "Call me when you're back in Portland."
"I never said in love," Tobin groaned, a wave of anxiety washing over her. "Talk to you soon."
She quickly hung up and unlocked the door to meet Christen's worried features. She also didn't miss the darkness of Christen's eyes and the filled glass in her hand.
"Is everything alright?"
"Yes, it was just uh..." Tobin said, the phone still in her hand. She waved it around for Christen to see it. "A call I had to take."
"Nothing too serious?" Christen asked.
Tobin smiled and put her hands on Christen's shoulders to lead her back to the main room. "No, don't worry about it."
They joined Kendall who had herself found some good company in a few friends from her college days. Tobin stayed out of the conversation for the most part, smiling at the funny anecdotes and nodding at the more serious topics. Even if she didn't know what the topics were.
Eventually, three people out of their group of seven had to go, leaving only Tobin, Christen, Kendall and a man whose name Tobin didn't remember. They talked a bit more but soon enough decided to just dance and get a last glass of champagne - really, the last one. Maybe Christen should have stopped at the penultimate drink though, her feet now a little too heavy for her to move them at the music's rhythm. She hold onto Tobin more than necessary, with sometimes a hand around her neck, but it didn't really help. She had stopped talking too, every minute passing making it more difficult for her to turn her thoughts into actual words or, even worse, sentences.
According to Tobin, Christen was, without a doubt, completely intoxicated.
According to Christen herself, she was tipsy at most.
She kept telling Tobin she was feeling "absolutely fantastic" until Tobin decided it was enough. She dragged a grumpy Christen out of the room, asking Megan where they were supposed to stay for the night. The mansion had a great number of rooms and a part of the guests who had chosen to stay had been assigned one. Tobin was told to look on the list in the hall and so she did. She found it on a round table with different keys on the side. The paper said second floor and Tobin groaned, remembering only now that their suitcases were still in the car. She grabbed the key corresponding to their room and before her quick trip outside, she asked Christen to wait for her in the lobby.
A few seconds after that, she was holding a heavy suitcase in both hands and she wondered why she hadn't simply took a bag which would've been way enough for a trip that brief. Christen was sitting on the first steps when Tobin got back to the lobby. It took her longer than usual to stand up and Tobin hoped she wasn't going to have to help her up the stairs, the suitcases heavy enough. Somehow, they made it to the second floor pretty easily. Tobin's arms burned but at least Christen didn't fall or even trip.
Finding the room, however, was a whole new ballgame. Tobin knew she had seen it written on the paper but it was impossible for her to remember if it was the second room on the left or the fifth on the right or any other combination of number and side. After three failed attempts at opening wrong doors, the fourth try was successful. She unlocked the door and turned on the lights, quickly glancing at the room before locking it behind Christen.
Neutral colors and an inviting king-sized bed were the first things she saw. Everything was of a light beige or grey, from the bed cover to the walls to the bed lamp shades and she couldn't have been more thankful after a night spent in that bright red motel room. A door on the right wall was leading to a small bathroom and the only wish she had was to brush her teeth with to get rid of this feeling of a furred tongue. She let the suitcases down, went through hers to find her toothbrush, a shirt and shorts and she disappeared in the bathroom. It was as if the cold water splashed on her face had brought her back to life. She quickly changed into her pajamas to get back to Christen. The latter was sitting on the bed, her arms twisted in a confusing way, trying to take off her dress. Tobin snickered and walked up to her to help. She pushed Christen's hair aside and unzipped her dress, adverting her gaze from the skin that showed as best as she could. But Christen didn't really move and Tobin understood that she either wasn't planning to or simply couldn't.
She decided to help her change and she spotted her UNC shirt on the bed. She smiled; she had really kept it. It took them a few attempts to get Christen out off her dress and when they finally did, she looked a little pale.
"You're not going to be sick, are you?" Tobin asked, placing the blue shirt above Christen's head and waiting for her to slip it on.
Christen shook her head, a proud smile plastered on her face.
"I never throw up from drinking," she said, putting her arms in the sleeves.
"Sure about that?" Tobin chuckled.
"Cross my heart and hope to die," Christen said as she slipped under the covers, giving up on putting pants on.
Before going to bed as well, Tobin went back to the bathroom to find something she could place next to the bed, just in case Christen would be sick. She came back empty handed and gave up, too tired to search the room for something adequate. She got into the bed and sighed contently, enjoying the warmth of the sheets and the peace and quiet. She cogitated about her earlier phone conversation and she tried to convince herself that Kelley was right. This whole trip - and Christen's dress - had messed with her head. She just needed a good night sleep and everything would be back to normal.
Christen's voice interrupted her thoughts. "I'm not usually like this, you know."
Tobin propped herself up on her elbow, smiling at the vision she had in front of her. Christen was half-lying on her stomach, her dark hair tied up in the messiest ponytail Tobin had ever seen on her. She was fighting to keep her eyes open and they kept fluttering every few seconds. Tobin whispered, "I know."
"I'm not childish. Or proud. I don't care about what people think of me. I mean, I do sometimes but not like that. I do my own thing," she stuttered, tapping her chest with her finger. "I'm not like this."
Tobin let out a "shhh", letting her head lean on her hand. She tucked a strand of hair behind Christen's ear and she tried to shake off the feeling of her hand trembling a little.
"That was over the line. I'm sorry I dragged you into this," Christen said as she let her fingers graze Tobin's wrist. "I fucked up, didn't I?"
Tobin immediately shook her head at Christen's words. "No, of course not."
"Don't lie to me." Christen grabbed Tobin's wrist, looking up at her. "You've been acting weird ever since..." She trailed off.
"You took me off guard," Tobin insisted. "That's all."
"I don't want to lose you because of something so stupid."
"You're not going to lose me," Tobin chuckled, looking fondly at her. "Now try to get some sleep, you're thinking too much."
Christen nodded, mumbling something Tobin didn't quite understand. She breathed heavily and curled up into Tobin's side, her breath tickling the older woman's neck.
"I'm not usually like this," she murmured once again into the fabric of Tobin's shirt.
Tobin waited for Christen's breathing to slow down, her arm around Christen's shoulder.
"Me neither," she said before turning off the bedside lamp.
xxx
Pressure on her arm is what woke Christen up. She felt a hot breath on the back of her neck and tried to turn around but Tobin's arm prevented her from doing so. Christen rubbed her eyes and yawned. Her eyes burned and her head felt as if it had been stamped on, multiple times. She extirpated herself from Tobin's hold and stumbled towards the bathroom, dragging her feet. She took a quick shower, hoping it would make her headache disappear. It didn't. She drank a glass of water and let the cold liquid run down her hands before pressing them on her cheeks and forehead. Her head still pounding, she went back to the bedroom even more tired then before. She searched for some aspirin in her bag and when she finally found it, she swallowed the pill without drinking anything. As if her head wasn't enough, her throat was now burning.
She decided to go back to bed and sleep some more but she hadn't noticed Tobin's open eyes when she let her head fall into the pillow.
"How's your head?" Tobin asked, her voice raspy from sleep.
"Hurts," Christen groaned.
She closed her eyes and waited for the sweet deliverance of sleep but it never came. She didn't have that much to drink but it felt like one of the worst hangovers she had gone through in a while. She broadly remembered the night before but she judged it better to ask Tobin if nothing had gone wrong.
"How annoying was I? I can be a real pain in the ass when I'm drunk."
"Aren't you always?" Tobin asked with a playful smile.
"I'm serious, Tobin."
"Well," Tobin started, one finger under her chin, "except for the fact that I had to tuck you into bed and that you slept on me, you were alright."
"Is that it?" Christen asked, unsure.
"Isn't that enough?"
Christen groaned and turned her back to her friend. "God, you're annoying."
"I wasn't so annoying last night, was I?"
The question was meant to be teasing, to annoy Christen just a little more. But Tobin's voice betrayed an unconscious uneasiness, a certain fragility that stopped Christen in her movement and she rolled back to face Tobin again. She didn't want to put Tobin on the spot so she decided to play along.
"You were alright," she shrugged, echoing Tobin's previous words.
The midfielder smiled and mouthed a "good to know" before closing her eyes. Christen wondered if whether or not she should move closer to Tobin and pull her into a hug. She remembered the rapid conversation between them before she fell asleep. Christen had a vivid memory of Tobin asserting she was alright but she didn't want to push her boundaries in case she had lied. She ended up letting her head rest on Tobin's shoulder and linked their arms. Tobin stiffened at first and tried not to move but Christen snuggled closer to her and traced imaginary lines on her arm. She quickly sighed with content and let her body relax under Christen's touch.
Kelley had been wrong. Whatever she had felt the night before was still making her heart beat a little faster than it should've. Christen snuggled in her side in the middle of the night, her arm drapping her waist and her head on her chest hadn't help. Tobin had already slept closely with friends. Cheney had hold her after she had cried herself to sleep on a particularly rough day. She had shared a single bed with Kling after a drinking party. But it never felt weird or different. It never felt as if she was spending a night with a girl she had a crush on in high school. She took a deep breath and tried to block her thoughts which were already giving her a headache.
They fell into a comfortable silence until Christen mumbled into Tobin's shoulder, "My head is going to explode."
Tobin chuckled and put her hand on Christen's forehead, which wasn't hot or anything alarming. "Leave the aspirin to work. You'll feel better soon."
Christen sighed heavily and hid her face in the crook of Tobin's neck. If only aspirin could work faster.
"I'm getting old. I didn't even drink that much."
"Are you kidding?" Tobin asked, louder than she had intended to. "You were trashed."
"Please, Tobin, don't be dramatic. It wasn't that bad."
"I had to change you into your pajamas and I almost dragged you upstairs," Tobin reminded her. "You were far from alright."
"Whatever. It was just champagne."
"So? The almighty Christen Press can't get drunk on champagne?" Tobin asked with a smirk.
"She couldn't," Christen said. "But apparently things have changed."
"Too bad we didn't hang out in college, that would've been fun."
"That would've been terrible," Christen stated and Tobin raised her eyebrows, waiting for an explanation. "I already had to take care of Kelley. You two would have been too much."
The mention of her teammate's name reminded Tobin of a conversation she wanted to forget. But she also remembered Kelley had asked her to tell Christen what happened.
"Tobin?" Christen asked when the other woman stayed silent.
"Sorry, I just remembered something," Tobin smiled. "Yesterday. Remember the phone call?" Christen nodded. "That was Kelley. Her family reunion didn't happen. They couldn't all make it and she spent a few days in Atlanta instead."
Christen looked at the ceiling for a few seconds. "She was really looking forward to it. Too bad they cancelled it." She propped herself up on her elbow to face Tobin. "So it was her you had on the phone for so long?"
"Yep."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Christen asked, confused.
Tobin shrugged because really, she didn't even know herself. There were no reasons why she couldn't have told Christen it was Kelley without mentioning the subject of discussion.
"So, what did you guys had to say that was so interesting that you abandoned me for twenty minutes?" She asked, trying to sound reproachful but miserably failing.
Tobin swallowed with difficulty and felt her cheeks heat up. Christen gasped excitedly and hit her shoulder.
"Tobin Heath, what are you keeping from me?"
"Nothing," Tobin vigorously shook her head.
"Your cheeks and neck just turned crimson. What's up?"
"Nothing."
Christen narrowed her eyes, trying to catch Tobin's. "Are you seeing someone?"
Tobin kept shaking her head no. What had she just done? She couldn't possibly make something up right now and Christen knew she wasn't telling her everything. So she did the first thing that came to her mind and put it on Kelley.
"It's not me, alright? It's Kelley."
"What about Kelley?" Christen asked, narrowing her eyes, clearly unconvinced. "She's the one with a mysterious secret someone? Because we both know Kelley doesn't really do 'secret'."
Tobin sighed, "I'm not sure." Christen waited for her to continue. "She's with Sonnett in Atlanta. At her place."
"With Emily?"
"No, with her twin," Tobin rolled her eyes. "Yes, Emily."
"And you think," Christen started, pointing at Tobin, "that something is going on between the two of them?"
Tobin put her arm under her head. "I know, it's dumb."
"Well, I mean, they're as thick as thieves so I'm not surprised they're hanging out together. But who knows, right?"
"Right."
Christen taped Tobin's nose. "Do you want to come to my place?"
"What?" Tobin asked, surprised by the sudden change of subject.
"Do you want to come to LA for a few days?" Christen rephrased. "The house is near the beach, you can surf whenever you want to."
Tobin gave her an apologetic smile. "I'll have to take a rain check on that. Cheney's coming to Portland with her kid."
"Sure, yeah, no problem." Christen brushed the idea away with her hand. "Some other time then."
"Definitely. I mean, a beach house? You know I won't let that proposition go away."
Christen smiled and put her fist forward, waiting for Tobin to give her a fist-bump, sealing their agreement.
"Come on now," Tobin said, pushing away the covers and sitting on the edge of the bed, "let's go."
She went to the bathroom to take a quick shower while Christen changed into jeans and a shirt, picking up her dress that had been left on the floor. She folded it the best she could and put it in her suitcase before closing it.
She heard Tobin say loudly, "At what time is your flight?"
"Around 2 p.m.", Christen replied, not sure of the exact time. "You?"
"At two thirty."
Fifteen minutes later, Tobin came out of the bathroom, dressed in sweatpants and a Nike shirt, her hair a little damp. She did the same thing as Christen, gathering all her stuff and throwing it mindlessly in her suitcase.
"Good to go?" Tobin asked.
Christen pointed at her bare feet. "Shoes."
Tobin nodded, "Shoes."
She put on her sneakers, stepping on the heels until her feet slipped it and Christen groaned at the way the back of the shoes unnaturally folded. They finally made their way out and went down the stairs much more smoothly than the night before. There were bags in the hallway and people already leaving. They walked to the room where they had had dinner to say goodbye to their host. No more than twenty people were in the room, talking in small groups around a cup of coffee or a pastry.
"Look at our lovebirds," Megan suddenly said on their right, coming in the room. "Spent a good night?" She winked at them and Christen rolled her eyes.
"Fantastic."
"Coffee?" The bride asked, leading them to a table and pouring two cups of coffee.
Tobin took one and thanked her, grabbing a croissant at the same time. Christen just sipped her coffee, refusing every type of food that came her way. She was still feeling a bit sick and didn't want to risk anything. They ate and drank quickly, Christen exchanging a few words with people Tobin still didn't know. When the time came to leave, they went to the hallway to take their suitcases. Megan was waiting in the room, waving at a couple who had just left. She threw her arms up as she saw them.
"Leaving so soon? You can stay with us for lunch."
"No," Christen said immediately, her voice too harsh. Hearing the sound of her own voice, she added, "We still have some things to take care of and we can't miss our flights."
She forced a smile at Megan who asked, "You're not taking the same plane?"
Christen stammered something but Tobin came to her rescue.
"I'm visiting a friend," she explained.
Megan nodded, "Great. Well, be safe. And maybe next time we'll see each other it'll be the other way round. I'll be waiting for your wedding invitation."
"Christen would like to keep it small so we'll see about that. But we'll definitely see you around, Megan," Tobin said quickly, grabbing her suitcase and making her way outside, Christen on her heels.
At the second Christen stepped into the car, she let out a deep sigh and said to Tobin, raising her eyebrows, "Christen would like to keep it small?"
"What? I saved your ass."
"Christen would like to keep it small," she repeated, trying to imitate Tobin's voice.
Tobin laughed and started the car, driving them back to the rental store. Within the hour, they had paid for the car and they had made their way back to the airport. It was around noon so Christen suggested getting something to eat. She felt better and her stomach started to growl. She simply took a salad while Tobin chose the first sandwich she had seen and this time, Christen beat Tobin to checkout and paid. When the time came for Christen to go, she pulled Tobin in a bone-crushing hug.
She said in her ear, "Thank you." She took a step back and put her hands on Tobin's shoulder. "Really."
"Sure, it was nice."
Christen let out a forced laugh. "What was? Drunk me? Stupid me?"
"Not everything's about you, Press," Tobin teased her and Christen gave her shoulder a light punch. "And I got to surf and meet some of your friends, it's cool."
"Yeah?" Christen asked, her head down.
"Yeah, I mean, we had fun, right?"
Christen looked up to see a smiling Tobin and she immediately felt relieved. Tobin took her hands in her own and started to swing their arms to match an imaginary rhythm.
"You had better moves last night," she joked.
"Ugh, I don't even want to remember what I did last night."
Tobin laughed heartily and let go of Christen's hand. She sighed and picked her phone from the table to check the time.
"You should go, you're going to miss your flight."
"Just tell me you want to get rid of me, Heath," Christen laughed, ruffling Tobin's hair. "Say hi to Lauren for me?"
"Sure thing. Text me when you're home."
Christen nodded and smiled a last time before walking away. Tobin leaned back in her chair and let her head rest against the wall on her left, watching Christen's figure disappear in the airport. For a second, she was tempted to change her ticket and get one to Los Angeles, the promise of Christen's beach house - and just Christen in general, if she was being honest - lingering in her mind.