gentle, summer, mornings (gray streaks)

She doesn't love her. 

Really, she doesn't. 

It's the truth, but sometimes, when Wheein's lying down, she thinks it tastes like a lie, too. 

(She misses the way Yongsun's fingers ran through her hair, taking out the knots, helping her relax after a stressful day.)

.

Wheein hasn't seen her in two years, technically. 

She's, well, she hasn't touched Yongsun, or talked to her, or anything like that, but she's looked at her. Looked after her. Maybe. 

(Yongsun's in Paris, and then she's in Hong Kong, and then in Taiwan. Sometimes, Byulyi's with her, other times she's alone. She's good at her job. She can hide, and blend in, and sometimes, she even kills. She's good, but Wheein's better. Wheein always finds her.)

.

The first time Wheein notices Yongsun is at combat training. Usually, Wheein's locked up in her own world, hyper-focused on the training at hand. When she isn't, she converses with Seulgi or Hyejin. She doesn't talk to anyone else, not really. She certainly doesn't notice inept fighters like Yongsun.

The first time she sees Yongsun, she thinks: inadequate. This girl is too soft, too sweet - she looks like a fucking doll - and it's not even that Yongsun's a pretty girl, there are lots of pretty girls in the academy, it's that Yongsun doesn't even look like she's enjoying what she's doing. There is no hunger, no thorns. She's all awkward smiles, and booming laughter, and uncomfortable winces. 

Wheein scoffs. 

.

It takes Wheein exactly one week of observing Yongsun, before she finally decides to approach her. She's seen the other girl stare, sure, had chalked it up to maybe fear or admiration. Those were the two things Wheein usually got. Usually, she'd be put off by it, but she can already tell, once she flashes Yongsun the first smile, that the black haired girl means nothing malicious about it at all. She almost seems incapable of malice.

She stares small, like a hawk slowly circling it's prey. She gives her sunny smiles, and playful winks, and even the occasional sympathetic shrug. Yongsun sort of skirts around it, around her. She gives little squeaks, she looks away, but as time passed, she'd return the smiles, and occasionally the winks too.

.

It's Yongsun that talks to her first. Wheein doesn't expect it, because as far as she knows, Yongsun is meek - but then she isn't, because she approaches Wheein with a large smile, and asks her to hang out. 

Wheein doesn't hang out, not really. That's the sort of shit Hyejin would laugh at. 

"Sure," she says anyway, because Yongsun beams at her.

.

The first time Wheein touches Yongsun, her skin itches. She'd never felt something like that before. Not with Hyejin. Not with anyone else.

It's after their fourth hangout, when Yongsun throws her arms around her, like an anchor weighing her down. 

Wheein blinks, and doesn't hug her back.

(She hugs her back the second time, though. And the third, and the fourth. It never stops itching.)

.

Hyejin eyes her strangely, when she starts to cancel their plans to be with Yongsun. It isn't anything hostile, but it is wary.

"What are you doing?" she asks Wheein.

Wheein shrugs. "If I knew, I'd tell you."

.

The first time they kiss, it's Wheein that does it. She's never really felt the urge to kiss anyone, not really. She finds human interaction or physical affection useless. She doesn't get anything from it. But Yongsun's hugs make her feel weird, and when they hold hands, her stomach tightens, and that must mean something.

Wheein kisses her. She surges forward, one night, when they're watching a movie, and plants a gentle kiss on Yongsun's lips. 

She recoils just as quick, and Yongsun gives her such a warm look, she almost regrets it.

.

They work, in the strangest of ways. Yongsun cooks, and Wheein watches. Yongsun cleans, and sometimes, when Wheein's not lazy, she helps. Yongsun kisses her on the cheek, never pushing for lip-locks, or anything more, and Wheein feels the itch on her skin. Wheein trains her. Helps her in the academy. Teaches her to fight, to shoot, to kill.

It works. Yongsun's not afraid, maybe she's in love, and Wheein feels something.

.

The kisses morph into something else. It gets heavier and needier, and Wheein knows, deep in her bones, that it will turn into sex. And it does. She isn't nervous, even if it is her first time, but Yongsun is, so she eases her into it, even if she has no idea what she's doing. She kisses her neck, behind her ear, her breasts, her stomach. 

When it's over, Yongsun smiles lazily at her, and kisses her softly. Wheein smiles into the kiss, and allows herself to be washed away.

.

Hyejin warns her, when it becomes clear that Yongsun and Wheein are more than just friends. She'd known for awhile, because she knows Wheein.

"Wheein, you know what I'm going to say."

Wheein stares at her, and sighs. "I don't know what to tell you, Hyejin."

"Tell me that you like her, and you just don't like the feeling that you're feeling."

Wheein shakes her head. She hasn't figured it out.

.

She gets sent away a lot. On missions. She never tells Yongsun about them, but she must know. Wheein always comes back, tired, empty, stained with something. 

Yongsun doesn't look at her like she's any less of the person she was when she left.

.

Yongsun loves her. That much, Wheein can see already. She's perceptive, it's her job to know people's motives. 

Yongsun doesn't say it for awhile, and Wheein does her best to discourage her. Don't, don't say it. I won't know what to say. I don't want you to leave me.

Yongsun says it, and Wheein doesn't reply. 

.

The first time they fight, Wheein hurts her. She does it on purpose. She snaps, because her family is off limits, and no one, not even pretty Yongsun with her soft skin and sweet eyes, is an exception.

They fight, and Wheein hurts her, and Yongsun cries.

She doesn't feel bad about it.

.

They make up, eventually. Wheein leaves for a four month mission, but before she goes, she leaves a lollipop to Hyejin to give to Yongsun. Hyejin just gives her a weird look, but she knows Yongsun will get it. 

Maybe it's an apology.

.

She comes back, and she tries to be cruel. She can see the disapproval in Byulyi and Hyejin's eyes, but she has to be. The only way to get Yongsun to fall out of love with her, is to be cruel. And it shouldn't be hard, because she's not supposed to be able to feel. 

It's hard.

She visits her, and Yongsun hugs her, whispering i miss you into her skin. 

Sometimes, she still talks to her, and Yongsun doesn't fault her at all for leaving everytime.

.

"Do you think you'll ever love me?" Yongsun asks her.

"I've tried," she replies, honestly.

And hasn't she? No one can fault her for that, surely.

.

When Wheein sees Yongsun with sad eyes, and a broken heart walking around the hallways, she decides it's time to go. She takes her files, bids Hyejin goodbye, kisses Yongsun's forehead while she sleeps, and steals into the night - hopefully, never to be seen again.

She leaves a lollipop and a note, and maybe even a part of her behind.

.

The first few months is easy. She secretly stays in touch with Hyejin, and she travels the world. The academy sends its best to find her, but she's the best, and she evades capture. She fades into nothing, and to the world, Jung Wheein doesn't exist anymore.

To Yongsun, Jung Wheein is gone.

But the next few months are more difficult, and like always, Wheein starts to come around. She watches Yongsun, and sometimes, she even finds herself smiling when Yongsun clumsily does something. She still looks like she hates this job, like it isn't made for her, but she isn't inadequate anymore. When Wheein sees her, it isn't inept that first comes to mind, it's i miss you.

.

Yongsun doesn't fall in love with anyone else for awhile, and for some reason, that sits well with Wheein. She though, perhaps, that that is what she wanted for Yongsun. To move on and to find a world where she no longer exists, but Wheein slowly learns that she's selfish, too selfish, and relishes in the fact that Yongsun can't even return Eric's affections, or anyone else's for that matter.

It's some sort of cruel solace: if I can't love, neither can you.

.

Wheein slips up, just once. Yongsun wasn't supposed to be awake. Wheein slips into her hotel room - Amsterdam, is where they're at - and she sits on the edge of the bed. She almost touches her, but knows that would be foolish. 

She wishes she could have stayed. It would have been easier, but she has issues with herself, and her past, and the academy, and she'll never figure it out if she stays there. 

Yongsun opens her eyes, and Wheein, quick as a cheetah, hides behind the large drapes. 

"Wheein?" Yongsun calls out.

Wheein doesn't step out, and waits for Yongsun to fall asleep again. 

.

Yongsun falls in love, eventually. 

Three years, and she finally falls for Byulyi, who is not inept, Wheein decides. They kiss, and hug, and become more, and Wheein watches. 

When Byulyi asks Yongsun to be hers, Yongsun hesitates and says she needs more time, but it isn't a rejection, and even now, Wheein can see her healing already. 

.

Wheein doesn't love Yongsun, but she doesn't hate her, and she misses her, and likes kissing her, and feels something.

And because Wheein is selfish, and maybe even cruel, and cannot stomach the idea of Yongsun thinking about anyone else but her, she leaves her a gift. The last one, maybe. 

A lollipop with a note.

You know where to find me. I'll be waiting.