Chapter 4
Dating, as it turned out, was very hard. Mon-El was quickly figuring that out and it came as a little bit of a surprise because… finding a partner for fun? Messing around? Nothing was easier! But dating… If the last 4 hours were any indicator, dating was hard.
He felt like he had already swiped through half of the female population of National city and he hadn’t swiped right yet. It wasn’t that none were pretty, or as the guys at the bar said, hot. There were plenty of hotties. And some even seemed quite interesting. But none were as pretty as Kara, and none were as interesting as her… not by a long shot. How was he supposed to go from Kara, Kara who was from his own home solar system and understood his heritage like no one else, who altruistically dedicated her life to saving others, whose eyes were like the bluest comets, who made him feel like he was home… how could anyone else ever compare?
The problem is he wanted to find a girl with whom he could move on entirely, he didn’t want just a hook up. That would ultimately do nothing to help get over Kara. He didn’t know if that was possible, but he had to try. And if a hook up or one night stand was all he wanted, he certainly wouldn’t need 4 hours on an app. He probably could have had 2 or 3 just by hanging around the bar today. But a hook up would distract him for a couple hours at most, and he would likely end up feeling even worse about himself afterwards. It would do nothing to take away the pain he was feeling inside.
Because he loved Kara… how could he just—after everything--with some random girl who meant nothing-- he put the phone down in frustration, careful not to break it. What was happening to him? This wasn’t him. This wasn’t Mon-El of Daxam. If anyone from back home showed up right now, they wouldn’t even recognize him. These feelings were completely new and utterly baffling… he supposed himself to be unrecognizable at this point. Sighing, Mon-El sunk his head into his hands, his elbows braced on the bar, and tugged at his hair through clenched fingers. He needed to get it together.
On Daxam, feelings had never been an issue. As a member of the royal family, he had been expected to maintain up to several lovers at any given time. Guilt and feelings had no part of it. He had always trended towards a lower number, something that had forever angered his father, but he was still as happy as a Triloback in roncorn season to have his 2 or 3 girlfriends going, plus the one he would inevitably be chasing at any given moment. He led a fun life, more or less. And it wasn’t like rejection was new to him, as though he had never been rejected, he was no stranger to the chase after all. Many Daxamite girls liked playing hard to get, but never before… never… had he ever cared for anyone so deeply. Never had it hurt like this. It had never hurt at all if he was being honest, but to go from how he used to be, to this… the shock to his system was almost too much.
Mon-El had always felt like a bit of an outsider among his family and friends in the nobility, but he had still been a Daxamite at the end of the day… and he had been one of considerable privilege. He had never wanted for anything, and as a result, things like value and worth had meant little to him. Nothing, actually, had ever really meant much to him. Not his girlfriends, not his multitude of riches and possessions, not even himself. He thought that that had probably been how he had managed to cheat death so many times in his life… because he simply didn’t care all that much. Live? Die? Nothing really mattered when you cared about almost nothing. And death had always had a funny way of finding the people that tried hardest to avoid it, he had found.
None of that mattered anymore, of course. Because Daxam was gone and home was Earth now. And as much as he wanted Kara to be his home, his true north, she didn’t feel the same. But he couldn’t help remember it all and get lost in the sucking abyss of memories and ghosts from his past as he was confronted with the change he was seeing in himself. The change that brought him to the crossroads he currently found himself in.
He had begun to change soon after coming to Earth… after meeting Kara. He had spent months denying it, and trying not to acknowledge it, but it had been undeniable from the start if he didn’t lie to himself. Kara Zor-El was creeping in under his skin and into his heart and she not only made him want to be with her, she made him want to be a better person. And with every unselfish act, every choice the old Mon-El would not have made, he found himself irreversibly changed. Little by little. Until he became what he was today. Someone that may have looked the same on the outside but inside was completely new.
Like Alex had said… he was transforming. And like a caterpillar, once it gets in that cocoon… there is no going back. He was going to become a butterfly whether he liked it or not. Kara had set him on that path and it couldn’t change. Even if he couldn’t be with her physically or emotionally, he was going to be the hero that she made him want to be. He could be there for her in other ways. He could help protect her (in the rare occasion she needed it). He could be a friend. He knew how lonely she had been getting lately, especially since Alex had been in the honeymoon phase with Maggie, and James and Winn were using every spare minute for Guardian. And J’onn… he was more of a father figure, not so much a friend for her.
But Mon-El couldn’t be her friend, not yet. It was all still too raw. And so he picked the phone back up. If he was ever going to have a hope to be back in Kara’s life (and that was all that mattered, even if she didn’t love him), then he was going to have to move on. For real. He’d have to find someone almost as perfect (because he was positive that perfect was only reserved for Kara) and he’d have to develop real feelings for this person, strong ones. Feelings that would rival his feelings for Kara. Feelings that would distract him enough to give him the confidence to insert himself back into Kara’s life and give her the support she deserved.
Mon-El was determined for this to happen. In a rush, actually. Because every minute wasted was a minute not with Kara. And so he started swiping (left). Again and again, faster and faster, until suddenly he stopped. His finger hovered over the screen, almost ready to swipe left but he hesitated. A blonde, smiling face looked up at him. One he recognized. Eve.
He smiled. He liked Eve, from the little he knew her. She was perky, and fun. He also knew her to be smart and he got the impression of kindness from her. She was also pretty darn cute. Her profile read “Far too busy to be doing this, and yet I can’t close the door to love entirely. Work is my life right now and my boss is domineering to say the least, so I don’t see how this can work out, but you don’t find love unless you put yourself out there.”
Mon-El stared at the screen for a minute or two before taking a deep breath and finally, for the first time, swiping right.
“I couldn’t believe when I got the notification and it was you!” Eve squeaked as they sat at the table, waiting to be served. She was everything he remembered… perky, fun, cute… and yet he was having trouble following a single word that came out of her mouth. His mind was still on that horribly awkward and ill-timed meeting with Kara after picking Eve up. Why had Kara been acting that way? Why did she have to have seen him on his date? Did he say the right thing? What did it all mean? “I mean, I haven’t used that app in months, I’d kind of put dating on the backburner, but when I saw it was you, I just thought… why not, you know?” She continued, unperturbed, though now she sat smiling at him, waiting for him to respond.
“Uhh, yeah, well I’m glad you accepted my invitation.” He said, not entirely sure it was the appropriate response because he hadn’t been fully listening, so just to be safe he flashed her a smile and nodded.
“Oh, well of course I would, Mike! Because, I mean, you—well, you’re you, and—I just didn’t expect this from you?” She added the last part hastily, and somewhat suspiciously, though still brightly and sweet. Mon-El’s eyes shifted at the implication.
“Yeah, well… I just… I guess I just thought it was time to start trying to—“ He paused, then bobbled his head around and smiled with raised eyebrows, “Put myself out there, as they say.” He always found humour, or a humourous tone to be the best option when you couldn’t tell the truth. Eve smiled and dipped her head shyly, the reaction he was going for, to his relief. “Especially after—“ He continued, stupidly. How did he expect to finish that sentence with Eve? Her head snapped up at this.
“Afterrrr?” she prompted. Mon-El’s eyes went wide and he puffed out his cheeks, shaking his head slightly and pretending to play dumb, like he didn’t know what she was talking about. But he couldn’t keep that up… she had ears and she had just heard him paint himself into a corner. Playing dumb was just a way to stall long enough to come up with a response.
“After?” He started. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Oh, after, you know, my big, uh – move – to National City.” He groped for an answer, nailing it, in his own opinion.
“Oh yeah, how are you liking it?” She responded, but Mon-El got the impression she was just humouring him and would have liked to ask questions about his hesitant response.
“Oh it’s great. Things are great. The people are great.” He responded, his mind on one person in particular. His face must have betrayed his thoughts, though, as she asked.
“And Kara?” She tried to slip it in casually, but her eyes were sharp. Not angry, but pointed. Inquisitive.
“Kara? Oh, well Kara is great. I mean, she’s the best.” Caught off guard, Mon-El accidentally answered her. Like, with the truth. Bad, bad Mon-El! He felt the blood run from his cheeks, he wondered if he was as white as a ghost.
“Yeah, Kara’s a sweetheart…” She agreed, sitting up and leaning back in her chair a little. Away from Mon-El, he noticed. Previously she had been leaning towards him. This shift in body language was not looking good. “I noticed, things were a little…” She prompted, leaving it to Mon-El to finish the thought. He wondered if he should play dumb, so he shot his eyebrows up, trying to look confused.
“Huh? Oh? Nooo, things are great…” He tried, but Eve was having none of it.
“Mike, I couldn’t help but notice…” And Mon-El wanted to stop her, to disagree, but he also wanted to know what she noticed. He couldn’t stop replaying the whole, awful interaction over and over in his head. Eve hadn’t been witness to most of it, most of the things he would love to have another opinion on, but she’d at least been witness to the tension.
“Hmmm?” He tried to at least politely play dumb.
“Well, things seemed a little… well, tense. Is there something I should know?”
“Tense? Oh? You got, you got tense from that? I don’t, I don’t see it…” He joked, facetiously. This earned a smile from Eve, though she didn’t lean forward.
“Yeah, you could say so…” She laughed a little.
“It was nothing, we’re not- anything- that was nothing.” He tried to reassure her, to get the date back on track. But it was off the rails already.
“Ok.” She said, nodding as if she was willing to let it go, but she wasn’t believing what he said.
“We’re not- you know, Kara and I, we’re just friends.” He clarified.
“Mmhmm,” Eve responded, neither agreeing or disagreeing, making Mon-El feel the need to defend himself.
“I-I’m looking to date, actually. Hoping to find someone to spend time with, to connect with.”
“I saw that in your profile.” Eve replied, smiling kindly, though she was still sitting back in her seat, Mon-El noticed. Before he had started talking she was giggling and flirty and leaned into him at every opportunity. He felt the date slipping away from him, though he didn’t know what could be done about it.
Rather than distract him, all Eve was doing was making him think of Kara. Which in turn was showing him the need for the date with Eve, because Gods Damnit, he needed to stop thinking of her. She didn’t like him! It would only bring him pain to keep thinking of her when she didn’t like him back.
“Yeah, so…” He started, before smiling embarrassedly in what he hoped to be a charming manner, getting himself back on track. “I’m sorry, so… tell me about yourself?” He prompted, and Eve smiled in what appeared to be relief in response.
“Well, you know I work at Catco,” She started.
“Right, with Kara.” Mon-El added, unthinkingly. Eve paused before nodding, her eyebrows a little pinched in the middle.
“Right, with Kara.” She agreed. “And I’m really busy, so it was really nice to get your invitation out to lunch...” Mon-El nodded, trying to be a good listener.
“Yeah, Kara told me how busy it can get there.” He nodded, internally congratulating himself for his active listening skills. Maybe this date could be saved after all.
However, Eve only coughed a little and nodded, her eyebrows knitting closer together, and her arms crossed briefly before she settled on grabbing her menu and studying it. Unfortunately for Mon-El, he wasn’t very good at picking up social cues. People were much more guarded on Daxam, and honestly, this was all new to him anyways.
He often thought he might be learning to pick up on body language and social cues, that he was getting better, but he had no confidence. In this case, he thought that Eve seemed to be withdrawing, but how was he to know? How could he trust his instincts when he was clearly so often wrong? Like just today, when they had bumped into Kara… if he was to trust his own instincts, he would have said something was wrong with her. Like she was somehow upset by seeing him with Eve. Like she was unhappy or even jealous to see him move on. But that just made no sense. Because she said she didn’t like him. She had come to the bar to make sure he had not vestige of hope remaining. So if all that was true, how could she be upset to see him with someone else?
So, ignoring his perception that maybe he was saying the wrong things, he continued on. “Yeah, I heard that Cat was really, uh, intense. But Kara said she had a good heart, so…” He looked up at Eve to find her still looking through her menu. “So I guess there’s that…” he trailed off awkwardly.
“Oh hmmm?” She looked up, trying to compose herself. She reapplied the smile to her face before continuing. “Yeah, uh huh.” She agreed perkily. “Yeah, Cat is very… well intense is a good word for it. But she is brilliant. Working for her, getting to learn from her, it was truly the best thing to ever happen to me.” She seemed to ease up as she talked, and Mon-El liked seeing her smile more easily. Though, he noted, it wasn’t doing anything to his stomach, like it did when Kara smiled. And he didn’t feel that lump in his throat when their eyes met. Her eyes were a perfectly lovely brown, but they didn’t pierce his own, like Kara’s that shone blue like comets.
And so the date continued. Mon-El thought it was enjoyable enough, though it was clear that neither Eve, nor anyone, was in the position of moving Mon-El on, at this point. The whole venture had been laced with folly the whole time, but he was only seeing it now. He had just been so desperate for something, anything to help him. But he now supposed that only time could help him. Time heals all wounds, he recalled the idiom he had heard at the bar, and hoped it to be true.
Even if Eve was not the one for him, however, he still hoped he had given her some semblance of a nice date. He really had tried his hardest, given his current circumstance. Picking up a remaining cherry tomato from his salad and throwing it into his mouth, he listened to Eve tell a story of when she first started. For some reason, since about half way through the date, all of her stories seemed to include Kara, and he smiled and listened happily enjoying himself greatly.
“And that isn’t the worst of it. When I first started, Cat almost made me die my hair brown!” She laughed, leaning forward in laughter before pushing herself back up, leaning back against her chair, a wide smile across her face as she reminisced about the tough days of her initiation into her role at Catco.
Mon-El scrunched up his face in confusion, laughing along. “Brown? Why? Your hair is so pretty, I like it blonde. It’s a little like –“
“Kara’s.” Eve finished for him, with a good natured roll of the eyes and smirk at him. Conspiratorially, Mon-El might add. Like they were in on a secret together. She let out a chuckle before continuing. “That’s why Cat wanted me to dye it. She said I looked too much like Kara, that if she wanted a perky blonde assistant was too “last season”, whatever that meant.” She chuckled. “That was one matter I’m glad I won on. You really had to pick your battles with Cat. Things are much more relaxed with James.” She added, as the bill arrived. Mon-El grabbed the bill and without looking laid his DEO-issued credit card down on top of it, and the waiter left to return with the machine.
“You know, I’ve had a really nice time, Eve.” Mon-El said with sincerity. Just not the right kind of nice time. He didn’t add out loud. He’d had a wonderful time laughing with Eve who was friendly and easy to talk to, and hearing all these stories about Kara. He’d been able to ask about her, and it had been great, though perhaps not helpful, in the end. Because if anything, he thought he probably had only doubled down on his feelings for Kara, having now had the opportunity to reflect on what he really wanted when confronted with choice. He tried not to feel too sad about it at just this moment, because he was trying to show Eve a good time. She had been really very nice to him, despite him probably saying the wrong thing about a hundred times.
“It was nice to see you again, Mike.” She said with a smile. “I’m glad you asked me out… but can I say something? Just before we go… just stop me if I overstep my—“
“No, go ahead!” He interjected awkwardly. She smiled sadly and nodded.
“Well it’s just that, well, if you want to keep going on these dates – with other girls –“ She added, as if to make sure he knew she didn’t mean with herself. So this had not been a love connection from her perspective, either. “You should really try to get over your feelings for your ex-girlfriend first.” She added, to which Mon-El could only drop his jaw in reply, suddenly incapable of speech. What did she mean? Ex girlfriend? “You know, if you are serious about finding someone to connect with.” She added, to fill the empty silence.
Mon-El’s jaw hung open for another second before hastily nodding, and then shaking his head as if to negate the nod. “No, sure, sure… but… what? Girlfriend? I don’t-I don’t have any ex-girlfriends here.” He stammered. “Here, as in, National city. Not Earth. I mean, I have ex-girlfriends. But—“
“I mean Kara, Mike.” Eve interrupted, and Mon-El found his jaw open once more for a moment before he shook his head vehemently.
“No! No, no, no. No—Kara and I—That is to say, me and Kara, we—“ The words tumbled out of his mouth. “No, it is Kara and I, well we never. We never dated. We’re just friends.” He assured her. “Juuussst. Friends.” He added, staccato, emphasizing each word with a singsong voice and chop of his hand, to drive home the point.
Eve just smirked as she stood up with her purse, ready to head back to work. “Mmmhmm, ok Mike.” She replied, the sly smile not leaving her face as she held out her hand to Mon-El. He took the hand and instead of shaking it, he bowed and kissed it formally, causing Eve to blush and giggle as she tooke it back. “It was a pleasure, thank you again for lunch, and for inviting me.”
Mon-El smiled back at her easily. “The pleasure was all mine. So I take it—no more dates?” He questioned uncertainly, just to make sure. Eve chuckled and shook her head.
“I don’t think so. But I’d love to go out to lunch again some time, you know, as friends.” She smiled, leading the way to the door. “I’ll make my own way back to work, we’re just around the corner. But Mike, before I go…” She looked him in the eyes before completing her parting message. “Just talk to her. Okay?” She asked, looking to his eyes for agreement. He tried to give her what she wanted to see, and nodded, smiling shyly.
Mon-El didn’t know what to say to that, but he knew Eve was just trying to help. “Sure, yeah… I’ll talk to her.” He agreed, and she smiled and turned and began walking away towards Catco. She didn’t need to know that he already had… and it hadn’t changed anything. No, talking about it would do nothing now. The ship had sailed. The only hope Mon-El had at this point to getting over Kara was time.