Chapter 2
“Now spill.” Alex instructed, sternly. She was hard and tough, Alex Danvers. What was it about her that made people want to jump to do exactly as she said? Mon-El eyed the bottle on the table skeptically. He had been planning to drink it, but he wasn’t exactly in a state to fight her on this so he reluctantly reached out and batted the bottle over, watching its clear, potent liquid gurgle out onto the table. He frowned as he watched it run to the edge of the table and drip down onto the floor.
“Now that was just wasteful.” He pouted, to which Alex snorted another laugh.
“I meant your guts, Mon-El!” She laughed, and at Mon-El’s horrified expression she laughed again. “It’s an expression! It means, tell me what’s wrong.”
Mon-El sighed dramatically, making a motorboat noise with his lips and noticing how numb they were. Getting momentarily distracted he lifted his finger and started playing with his lips. “Are lips always supposed to be numb? I can’t seem to remember…” He asked, and Alex rolled her eyes.
“You’re like a 5 year old, I swear.” She said, and there was both warmth and annoyance in her voice. Mon-El scrunched up his face in confusion.
“I thought on Earth children aren’t allowed alcohol?” He asked, running his finger through the spilled liquid on the table top and sucking it.
“Can we stay on focus, here?” She asked seriously. “I’m supposed to be meeting Maggie soon, but I have a feeling this is important.”
“You’re right, stay on focus.” Mon-El agreed, adopting a drunken interpretation of a serious, stern look. “Lips: are they numb usually or not?”
“Mon-EL!” Alex groaned. “Why do I always end up the drunk babysitter?” Mon-El wanted to ask her why one would want to sit on a baby, but decided not to. He had a feeling she was getting annoyed by his short attention span and his lack of Earth-based reference knowledge.
Getting back on track, Mon-El continued. “No… they aren’t. It must be the Tamaranian ale… because I remember I could feel Kara’s lips, when we kissed. They were so warm, and so soft…” He trailed away wistfully, not noticing that Alex’s eyes had widened to the size of saucers.
“Sorry, what did you say?” She asked, leaning forward and putting her hand on his shoulder as if trying to ground him in the here and now, to make sure she got a proper answer.
“Her lips were sweet, and soft, and I could feel them then…” He repeated wistfully, smiling widely, closing his eyes to remember, his fingers coming up softly to touch his mouth.
“So you do remember!” Alex clarified triumphantly.
“Of course, how could I forget the best moment of my entire life? I would have died happy, right then, you know? But then I had to go and live and ruin it…” Mon-El’s voice may be slurry with the ale but he meant every self deprecating word of what he was saying. Alex frowned in response.
“But why did you tell her you didn’t remember?” She asked, puzzled. He thought about it for a second. How could he put all of his self-doubt and fears into words?
“Because… I was only brave enough to begin with because I thought I was dying.” He shrugged, “I didn’t think… and then I did… and she was, she is… she’s too good for me, Alex. Don’t you see that?” He asked. The words flowed out of him without thinking, his filter long gone thanks to the deadly Tamaranian ale. He didn’t think about what he was saying, that he was ‘spilling’ all his secrets for Alex without holding back… Alex, who was Kara’s sister… suddenly the pieces clicked in his alcohol-hazed mind. And Mon-El panicked. He was sharing his secret with Kara’s sister!
“Alex, you have to promise not to tell her!” He pleaded, eyes wide and connecting with hers, leaning forward and covering her hands with his own. “Promise me you won’t tell her I remember the kiss! It will ruin everything!” To his relief, Alex squeezed his hands back and gave him a tight smile and a nod.
“I won’t tell your secret, Mon-El. I don’t know what it is with everyone expecting me to keep secrets from my sister, but this isn’t my secret to tell. But I think you should tell her, when are you planning on doing that?” She asked, kindly but seriously. Taking his hand back, Mon-El leaned on it dramatically.
“I told her tonight.” He said, not putting two and two together as Alex’s eyebrows knit together in frustration.
“So you want me to keep the secret you shared with her tonight a secret?” She asked, bemused.
“Is that too much to ask?” He responded, before finally realizing. “Oh. Yeah I guess I left that out.” Then he slumped over the table and put his forehead down onto his arms.
“Listen Mon-El, I promise I won’t tell Kara I found you drunk and talking to a broken glass, or anything you say here, but I’d really like to know what’s going on. Maybe I can help.” She prodded gently, kindly.
“You Danvers girls… always wanting to help.” Mon-El smiled, goofily, thinking of Kara.
“It’s kind of what we do.” Alex shrugged. “Now spill, and I don’t mean your drink.” She encouraged with a laugh. “I saw you just a few hours ago at the DEO and everything seemed fine. And you saved James-“
“I didn’t save James.” Mon-El corrected, interrupting her. “We both ended up captured. Kara saved us.”
“You didn’t have to go after him, Mon-El. And if you weren’t there, who knows what could have happened to him.”
“I wasn’t enough. I’ll never be enough…” He countered, weakly.
“Now stop that. It’s confusing, first of all. You’ve been the cockiest guy I’ve ever known, I’m not used to seeing you unsure…” She said, a hint of worry in her voice.
“That’s because I’m not used to feeling so unsure. This is new to me, Alex.” He replied, the corner of his mouth turning up in a sad smile. “I really don’t have any frame of reference. On Daxam, I never realized what a selfish person I was, no one had the nerve to tell me I guess. Or it was just expected because I was-“ But Mon-El stopped himself short before he said too much. He saw Alex’s eyes narrow in suspicion. “I’m just, not a hero like her, Alex.” He added, sadly.
“But you want to be.” She prompted. He wobbled his head back and forth, the motion slowly transforming to a nod of agreement.
“She makes me want to be one. It doesn’t come naturally to me like it does to her, though. I’m afraid that I’m always going to be selfish. What if the only reason I want to be a hero is so that I can be closer to her? So that she’ll think I’m a good person and I’ll get to see her every day, and…” He trailed off, afraid to finish his thought. He played with the puddle on the the table with his finger, watching the trails clear and then refill as he swirled it around.
“You think that makes you a bad person?” Alex asked, trying to infer the meaning of what he was saying.
“It doesn’t make me a good person. I wouldn’t be doing this without her, Alex. I’d probably still be working as some crime lord’s hired muscle if it wasn’t for her. That’s what this all comes down to… I’m not good enough for her. That’s why I didn’t admit I remembered. Because I know she doesn’t feel the same as me and I didn’t want to put her in a position where she’d feel like she had to send me away. I just don’t want her to send me away…”
Alex seemed to pause, to think or collect her thoughts. Her face was pensive as she looked down at the table, but when she looked up her eyes were warm and there was a small, kind smile on her face. “Mon-El… it’s normal for people to doubt their motives. Or to have events that… change… them. Things that happen that turn you from what you were, whatever that was, to what you were meant to be.”
“Like a butterfly.” Mon-El suggested, understanding. “Or a Rothlagerian.” He added. Alex nodded, holding back a smile.
“Exactly, like a butterfly. Or a… Rothlagerian… I’m going to have to take your word on that, buddy.” She chuckled. “But when you look change in the eye, and you decide to shake its hand… that is what matters. Like me and Maggie.” She added, and she glowed as she said the name. Mon-El smiled to see her so happy, showing his teeth for the first time since he got to the bar.
“Yeah but not everyone gets the star-crossed lovers happy ending, Alex. Not everyone deserves it.” Mon-El tried to reason.
“It doesn’t get more literally star-crossed than you and Kara.” Alex added, smirking. Mon-El felt his cheeks burn and he looked down at the table, wanting what she said to be true just so much. “So why was tonight the night that you decided to tell her?” Alex asked. “And what happened to bring you here, what did Kara say?”
Mon-El took a deep breath and thought about it. His head tilted to the side, a little like a puppy as he thought. “She didn’t really say much… I guess I didn’t really give her much of a chance. I kind of vomited words all over her and then ran away.” He admitted. “Oh, and I gave her a high five.” He added, embarrassed.
“And how did that go?” Alex asked, holding back her smile.
“Not great, that’s why I’m here.” Mon-El replied, motioning towards the broken glass and spilled bottle. “I didn’t want to tell her, but she told me she couldn’t trust me anymore, and I could tell that she didn’t want to work with me again, and I couldn’t take that. So I thought of the one thing I could say to make her trust me again.”
“Oh.” Was all Alex could say.
“She didn’t believe me that I didn’t remember, I could tell, and I knew if I just admitted it, that maybe she would trust me enough to work with me.”
“Why didn’t you tell her earlier?” Alex asked.
Mon-El sighed. “Because I wasn’t ready to give up what we have. And I like what we have. Its fun, and kind of flirty though maybe that’s just me. But we get along great, and I get to see her every day and make her smile.” He smiled just thinking about Kara’s face lighting up in laughter. “That’s my favourite.” He added wistfully.
Alex grinned at him. “So Kara didn’t say anything at all during your confession of your love?”
“Whoa whoa whoa, who said anything about love???” Mon-El shook his hands in front of him, trying to deny it to both Alex and himself, but at Alex’s penetrative stare he slumped down in defeat. She saw right through him. “Well I didn’t give her much of a chance. But she did say… that she cares about me too.”
“What an awful thing for her to say!” Alex said, mock outraged. Mon-El laughed a little begrudgingly.
“But what she meant was ‘I do care about you Mon-El, but not in that way.’” He argued.
“But did she say that?” She pressed. Mon-El shook his head but not in a convincing way. “Listen, Mon-El. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. And I’m not saying that I know anything or that she likes you, this trust circle thing goes both ways and if I knew anything I certainly wouldn’t tell you, but… Kara is not the ‘coolest’ when it comes to love. She doesn’t have much experience and she’s not very quick on her feet when it comes to responding to men’s affections. She’s been known to not believe it, even when they are saying it to her face.”
“I see…” Said Mon-El, not seeing at all. Alex must have somehow known though because she continued.
“Kara is the kind of person that needs to see something to believe it. Why don’t you… why don’t you just work on being her friend for now. Just be there for her, be dependable. And see what kind of hero you turn out to be. Maybe you’ll surprise yourself.” She said kindly, smiling at him supportively. He returned it naturally.
And she had a point. Mon-El felt his spirits rise as he thought about it. He hadn’t lost Kara. He would be seeing her tomorrow. It wasn’t over. He still had time to work on himself, to make himself into the man she deserved. But then his stomach dropped. He remembered. Suddenly the secret he had kept ever since coming to Earth was weighing him down like an anchor, and he felt like he couldn’t bear the burden of it alone for another moment or he might drown. If he had any hope of ever being with Kara, he had to shed it. And now was as good of a time as any to start.
“Well, I think I’m late enough, time to go meet Maggie—“ Alex said, starting to rise. But Mon-El shot out a hand to stop her.
“Alex wait.” He said quickly. She stopped, looked at him, gauged his seriousness and then sat down. “Can I really trust you? That you won’t tell Kara my secret until I’m ready to tell her?”
“Are we back to that?” Alex laughed. “Mon-El, I know the ale is strong but you already told Kara you care about her, there’s no more secret to tell.” But her smile faltered as she saw the pain, no, agony on Mon-El’s face. “I- uh, yeah, Mon-El, you can trust me.” She said, her voice quiet and worried.
“I’m not who I said I was. Who I say I am. I’m not me.” He stammered. There. It was out. …Sort of. Alex looked confused, and he could see her hand twitch, like she was thinking of reaching for a weapon.
“You’re not Mon-El of Daxam? Then who are you?” She asked sharply.
“No, well, yes. I am. But I’m not… I told you I was the crown guard to the prince.” Alex nodded, motioning for him to continue. “But what if I told you, I was really… that the prince was me.” He said the last words fast, and to the table. But Alex heard. But in true Danvers fashion, her response was unreadable. She just continued to nod slowly.
“Then I’d have a whole lot of questions to ask. Are you a criminal, Mon-El? Were you running away from something?” She asked him calmly, but he could see her mind working quickly as she put together possibilities.
“Well, yeah, I was running away. You know, from my planet that was being destroyed…” He reasoned. Even though it shouldn’t have been me in that escape pod, he thought privately to himself. But he couldn’t reopen that wound right now. Priorities.
“Then I’d say I still have a bunch of questions, like why you would think to keep something like that a secret? How could that possibly matter?” She asked him curiously. Mon-El dropped his head in shame.
“Because Kara hates Daxam. She barely tolerated me thinking I was a royal guard, what would she think if she knew I was the Prince? And all the things my family did… we weren’t good people… not compared to the Zor-Els…” He trailed off, and Alex rolled her eyes.
“You know you made this like a thousand times worse by not telling her to begin with, right?” She asked dryly. He heard humour in her voice. Was she not taking this seriously? Mon-El had just dumped the weight of the world on her and Alex was getting up to go, acting like it was nothing.
“Well, yeah, I am aware of that.” He agreed. Now standing, Alex regarded Mon-El from the end of the table.
“Listen Mon-El. I promised to keep your secret and I’m going to keep my word. But I’m going to give you some free advice: Tell Kara. Soon. I can see this is ripping you apart. You never know, she may surprise you.” Mon-El nodded up at Alex, pouting a little, then let his head sink onto his arm, groaning loudly and dramatically as he did.
“Why did she have to be so amazing, Alex? Why do I have to care so much? I’m not used to this.” He said miserably, to which Alex shook her head, a rueful smile on her face, and placed her hand on his shoulder.
“I hear you there, buddy, I hear you there. And I’m late for my amazing girl so I’ve got to go. You’re going to be okay, ok? Just. Tell. Kara!” She said every word staccato, making sure their impact was felt. “I don’t want this secret to go on as long as Guardian did! I almost had an ulcer with that one, I tell you.” And with that, she clapped him on the shoulder and turned to leave, off to find Maggie.
“Right… just tell her.” Mon-El repeated to himself, once he was alone. “Easy.” He said. Then with a large dramatic groan he buried his face in his hands, peeking out a moment later to see if there were any drops left in the bottle of Fermented Tamaranian Ale.