We Are Made Of Stars
"We are a way for the universe to know itself. Some part of our being knows this is where we came from. We long to return. And we can, because the cosmos is also within us. We're made of star stuff." - Carl Sagan
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Utterly confused, Therese returned to her car. For the past three hours, she had been walking up and down the hospital stairs with Carol, hoping to induce the labor with physical exertion prescribed on top of the medication. The constant climbing and descending hadn’t been strenuous for Therese, but she had worried excessively over Carol’s state of mind. It had showed signs of deterioration over the past week.
No wonder, she mused, opening the door on the driver’s side. Carol’s pregnancy had gone two weeks past the normal gestation, and these last days before the “D Day” had been gruesome in more ways than one.
“It doesn’t want to come out of me …” Carol had grunted in desperation, when Abby and Gen had visited them over the past weekend.
“Don’t say it,” Gen had hastened to warn Abby, seeing the amused flicker in her eyes. “It wasn’t a good joke then, and it’s not going to be funny now either.” She had kept looking sternly at Abby who had feigned total ignorance at Gen’s reproach.
“I know the feeling … “ Therese had murmured, the corners of her mouth twitching up. The mounting hysteria had needed lightening up, she had decided, although Carol hadn’t found her remark all that amusing.
Abby, on the other hand, had burst out laughing. “See, I didn’t even have to say anything!” she had gloated at Gen. “I knew there was something I liked about her,” Abby had said, referring to Therese. “She has a great sense of humor!”
While Therese and Abby hadn’t been able to help but giggle at the frivolity, Carol had shut her eyes in agony. “I’m so happy I can be such an endless source of amusement for you guys,” she had stated humorlessly. “But let me assure you that I am not having fun!” The fierce tone of her voice had shut the infantile jokesters right up.
“Aww, baby … “ Therese had attempted to appease Carol. “I know you’re having a rough time, and I’m sorry if what I said came out as insensitive.” Circling her arm tenderly around Carol’s shoulder, Therese had sat next to her.
“For the record, let me say that no baby has ever been left inside her mother’s womb indefinitely,” Abby had stated. “So I think it’s safe to say this one will be born as well.” Upon hearing this, Gen had let out a long, hopeless sigh.
“Well, you are going to have this baby before the end of next week, no matter what,” Gen had remarked, glancing somewhat disappointedly at both her wife and Therese. “You have the date on your calendar, so keep your eye on the ball, darling,” she had added, smiling encouragingly at Carol.
“And what a mighty ball it is!” Abby had enthused. “A veritable beach ball under your dress!” This time even Therese had cringed slightly, knowing how badly Abby’s retort would go with Carol’s current mood. Gen, however, had managed to bite Abby’s head off before Carol had even fully registered the irreverent quip.
“What the fuck’s wrong with you?” Gen had questioned angrily. “Am I going to have to take you home?” Realizing she had gone too far, Abby had appeared sheepish and apologetic.
“Oh, give it a rest, all of you,” Carol had interrupted the potentially overheated conversation. “I know I’m a fucking beached whale … “ Having said that, she had snorted, finding her predicament funny for the first time in weeks. It had broken the ice but unfortunately not Carol’s water.
Sitting behind the steering wheel, Therese tried to figure out what to do next. She hadn’t expected to be sent home. It felt wrong and unfair. She should have been allowed to stay, and she would have, had the hospital not mucked up the status of the private room they had been promised. They would get one right after the childbirth, the nurse had promised. It had been an honest mishap in their reservation system, yet there was nothing that could be done with it this very minute. All the rooms were currently occupied.
“It will only be a few hours and then she can come back,” the nurse had consoled them. “You’ll get a call right before we’ll take her to the birthing room, okay?” The last words had been aimed at Therese who had just stared at the nurse stupefied. The visitation hours over, she had practically been pushed out of the door.
The look on Carol’s face had been forlorn, and Therese had briefly contemplated being seriously difficult and raising hell. Then again, she hadn’t wanted to be taken out in cuffs either. I want to see my daughter being born, she had repeated to herself. She had squeezed Carol’s hand, reassuring her that everything would go alright. “I’ll be back so soon, you won’t even know that I’ve been gone. I promise,” she had whispered to Carol and kissed her quickly on the cheek.
Therese recalled the months and the weeks leading up to this day, the end of summer and the beginning of fall wading through September and October in their eager waiting. Carol’s estimation of herself as a beached whale had been an exaggeration, but it hadn’t completely missed the mark either. Carol’s belly had grown steadily all this time, her being able to support herself on two slender feet almost defying the laws of physics.
Even though being pregnant had become a breathless exercise for Carol, and she had been noticeably ill at ease with her condition more often than not, Therese had found her a beautiful sight to behold. Carol had transformed before her very eyes, and the change had been enchanting. Tanned by their first hot summer together, Carol had looked like an ancient goddess of fertility. Bronzed by the sun, her flaxen hair bleached almost platinum, Carol had possessed a surreal glow that had been heightened by not only her generous bust but also the extraordinary traits of pregnancy evident all over her body.
First it had been the freckles that had stood out more defined, although Therese hadn’t been sure of it in the beginning. When the lines defining Carol’s lips had become more prominent, Therese had known she hadn’t been imagining it. And her lips had looked fuller, too, almost gaudy in their outrageous sensuousness.
In bed, Therese had admired the dark vertical line, the linea nigra, dividing Carol’s abdomen in half all the way from her bellybutton to her mound. The divide had always been there but merely as an imperceptible white line the hormonal hyperpigmentation had only now brought out. The darkening all over Carol’s skin, even her areolas deeper in their shade, had captivated Therese’s imagination. All of it had been sexy to her, and she had told Carol so.
Sighing, she turned the car radio on.
Growing in numbers
Growing in speed
Can't fight the future
Can't fight what I see
People they come together
People they fall apart
No one can stop us now
'Cause we are all made of stars
Therese recognized the song, and it made her smile. She turned the volume up and pulled out of the parking lot.
Finally getting home, Therese felt very alone. The place was eerily quiet, everything spic and span for the new arrival. Therese had thought the next time she would cross the threshold would have been with the baby. Coming back now felt like a failure, and for a moment she just sat on the couch, deflated by her disappointment.
Rose and Bob had been there only yesterday, the former preparing food for the days after their return from the hospital, because, apparently, they would lose all ability to cook for themselves. The fridge was fully stocked, and the freezer had several containers of ready meals Rose had made in advance. Bob had brought a box full of children’s books Therese had enjoyed as a child, and she had spent a few nostalgic moments going through the much-read volumes and fairytales.
The bedtime stories had always been extra special for Therese, for Bob had managed to make them exceptionally fascinating. Noticing how Therese had hardly ever fallen asleep in the middle of a tale, Bob had opted for them to discuss what he had just narrated. “And they lived happily ever after,” Bob had concluded as stories tended to end, but right after he had usually added, “or what do you say?” They had talked about the characters and their motives, how their lives would go on after the story itself had finished.
The fairytales affect us, Therese had understood at an early age. They build up our expectations on life and love. She had loved the way Bob had chosen to finish with a question rather than a locked statement – or what do you say? Therese had had a lot to say every time, starting from boring, passive princesses and ending with a wish to work alongside the fun-loving dwarves in the mine.
Still, what Therese had gleaned from her father’s ingenious question had nowadays more to do with the notion of nothing ever having a clear cut end or an easy resolution.
People they come together
People they fall apart
Everything was forever in motion, coming together and falling apart only to start its cycle anew.
Therese laid down on the couch, the very same she had sat on the day she had taken Carol stargazing, and closed her eyes to draw a few deep breaths.
Efforts of lovers
Left in my mind
I sing in the reaches
We'll see what we find
People they come together
People they fall apart
No one can stop us now
'Cause we are all made of stars
The lines an endless loop in her mind, Therese dreamed of standing on the edge of her known universe. Her past a series of snapshots, grainy and black-and-white, she kept her feet firmly on the ground, on the threshold of all things unknown yet only waiting to be discovered.
I am made of star stuff, Therese thought, and the old epiphany crystallized, taking a shape of a nova that exploded violently through her consciousness. But it wasn’t her nova, it was someone else’s.
Slow slow slow, come come
Someone come come come
Even love is going 'round
You can't ignore what is going 'round ...
The carbon, nitrogen and oxygen, these atoms in our bodies – they originate from stars. Everything that lives stems from what was created in the furnace of supernovas billions of years ago. The knowledge she had gained years before reeled around in her brain like the song.
Slowly rebuilding
I feel it in me
Growing in numbers
Growing in peace
Again and again, hypnotically:
People they come together
People they fall apart
No one can stop us now
'Cause we are all made of stars
You will be brighter than the sun. You will disperse your light throughout our vast emptiness, and you will outshine us in a heartbeat. Calm, Therese lifted her feet off the ground. It was easy, it was natural, it was fantastic.
When the phone rang, it was pitch dark in the living room. Dazed, Therese picked up her cell.
“Come, my love.” Carol’s voice was breathless, happy.
“Yes.” Therese leapt up and rushed out of the house, her feet hardly touching the ground which reminded her of her dream.
The hospital was bathed in soft shadows when she finally parked her Jeep in the mostly vacant lot. The windows marking the maternity ward were lit, the ones shooting several stories above it mainly dark. Drawing a deep breath, Therese walked across the yard to the stairs. Her feet felt leaden, made heavy by the weighty meaning of every step she took.
She was approaching not only Carol but her future as well. She found the door of the ward locked, which threw her for a loop for a second. She couldn’t see anyone inside either, the corridor appearing abandoned as if a neutron bomb had detonated in the vicinity, leaving only the framework of hospital life intact. Then she noticed an intercom on the right side of the glass entrance. Therese had no other choice but to buzz it.
“Yes?” cracked a voice from the speaker.
What the fuck do I say in a moment like this? Playing time, Therese cleared her throat.
“I’m here for the childbirth of Carol Aird.” It sounded ridiculously formal, but it was all she could come up with.
“Welcome.” Therese wondered if the anonymous voice were slightly amused by her phrasing, but seeing the doors open, she shrugged it from her mind.
Therese strode through the empty corridor not hearing a sound, and it made her wonder if she was in fact still asleep and dreaming. When she made it to the night nurse’s desk, Therese knew she wasn’t. The women in her dreams never looked as unimpressed as this particular individual whose snack time she had obviously managed to interrupt.
“Carol Aird?” Therese asked self-consciously, hoping the nurse would catch on from these two words what she wanted to know.
The nurse swallowed what was left of her tuna sandwich. Her smile was learned, perfunctory. “Take left and then it’s the second birthing room on the right,” she explained, motioning towards the never-ending hallway. “You can go straight in.”
Therese nodded, grateful for not having to ask for further instructions. Judging by her mature age, the nurse must have seen hundreds if not thousands of nervous spouses seeking directions to the event that would irrevocably turn their lives upside down.
Nearing the room, she noticed more movement now. Nurses and midwives and a couple of doctors resurfaced from the rooms along the corridor. The door of Carol’s room remained closed, and Therese was struck by a notion of it being a portal to another dimension. To open it was an act of bravery, she thought.
“Therese … ” Carol gasped, seeing her enter the dim room. “I’m so happy to see you.” Carol’s eyes were filled with tears of relief. Suddenly worried, Therese nearly leapt to her side.
“Is everything all right?” Therese asked, agitated. Her hands soothing Carol’s, she stood by her bed not knowing what else there was to say at a moment like this.
“Everything’s going great, darling,” Carol said quietly. “I’ve just been missing you.” Her voice was overcome with emotion, and she could hardly control it.
“I’m here now,” Therese smiled at her. “I’ll be by your side. I won’t leave you for a second.” She kissed her gently to prove her point, and when she heard Carol exhaling, Therese knew Carol was finally able to relax.
The door opened unexpectedly. “Great to see you, Therese.” Entering the room, Dr. Phillips smiled at her. “We’re all set now.” She walked to the other side of Carol’s bed. “How are the contractions?” she asked immediately.
“Still pretty random,” Carol admitted, and the look on her face revealed she wished them to be anything but. Therese’s eyes darted from Carol to Dr. Phillips and back to get a better grasp of what was going on.
“You need to get up from the bed,” Dr. Phillips told Carol. “Move around, and let’s see if we can speed things up.” It wasn’t what Carol wanted to hear but she humored her nevertheless. Therese observed how difficult it was for Carol to pull herself up and start walking about the somewhat ascetic room.
“Oh fuck … “ Carol grunted, holding onto the railing of the bed only after a few short steps.
“What is it?” Therese gasped, out of her mind with worry.
“Try to breathe and relax, even if it feels impossible,” Dr. Phillips spoke gently. “The contractions will become more and more intense the further we get.” The last part was meant for Therese whose legs were slowly turning to jello.
Then it happened with such a violent gush, it left all of them speechless for a minute. A spurt of fluid hit the floor between Carol’s feet with an awesome splash, soaking not only the hem of her gown but also Therese’s shoes.
“There you go!” Dr. Phillips grinned. The water had finally broken. Bewildered, Therese thought of all the movies in which pregnant mothers suspected the same thing having happened, while sitting calmly in some chic cafe. There was nothing tranquil in it, she mused, watching the nurse come in and mop the pool of liquid away. Helping Carol change her hospital gown shouldn’t have been a difficult task, but all of a sudden it was, her frenzied thoughts rushing everywhere at once. The tips of her fingers felt oddly numb as she tried to button the flimsy garment.
Dr. Phillips examined Carol soon after. “You’re almost three inches open, so we’re close to the transition phase.” To Therese’s added discomfort, Carol didn’t seem to hear her doctor’s words at all. She was breathing heavily, the contractions hitting her forcefully again. “Easy, Carol … “ Dr. Phillips said in a hushed voice.
“It’s so fucking easy for you to say!” Carol groaned between her puffs of breath. Therese glanced at the doctor, not sure if it were a good call to agonize her at this time, but Dr. Phillips kept her cool despite the sudden venom. Therese attempted to soothe Carol by touching her arm gently.
“Don’t touch me!” Carol spat out, exasperated by her condition. Surprised, Therese took a hasty step back. Dr. Phillips’ eyes spelled out what Therese did know on some level already. This was not to be taken personally .
A half an hour later, Carol was shaking and shivering each time the contractions started, and they occurred frequently. To Therese, it seemed as if Carol was experiencing them all the time with hardly any time in between.
“Okay, we’re getting really close now. The baby has moved downwards.” Dr. Phillips rang the bell and soon a midwife entered the room.
“I want the epidural.” Carol’s words dropped out unsteadily as she realized that it was time to get busy with the final stretch.
Dr. Phillips shook her head apologetically. “It’s too late now. We can’t administer it anymore.” Therese wasn’t taking the news any better than Carol was, but the way Dr. Phillips put it left no room for arguing. Carol would have to grit it out. “The good news is that the final phase will be over quicker without it.” Hearing it did little to appease either of the women at the time being. “And you’ll be more aware of the experience as well.”
Carol’s face was distorted with acute pain. “That’s just it. I don’t want to be aware of it!” she complained, grabbing Therese’s hand and squeezing it so hard it was almost enough to cut her circulation.
Keeping her calm, Therese took a cold pack and pressed it gently on Carol’s lower back while Carol was lying on her left side on the bed. It seemed to provide some comfort to Carol’s growing unease, she noticed. “You’re acing this, baby,” Therese whispered tenderly in her ear. Carol’s eyes were watery, but she managed a smile even if it was weak at best.
“I had hoped I could give birth sitting down,” Carol said to Therese, as the doctor and the midwife exchanged a few words at the foot of her bed.
“I know,” Therese acknowledged. That had been what they had planned to happen, the pushing being infinitely easier in a chair tailored for the purpose. “Let’s just see what happens, okay?” she encouraged. Carol nodded, resigning to her fate. To see her like that was almost too much for Therese, and she wished she could have taken the pain away and go through it for her. This final stage was, after all, about pushing through the pain, going against all the instincts one might naturally have to produce the desired result – the baby that could no longer linger inside her mother’s womb.
“You’re fully dilated now,” the midwife noted, although she appeared to be talking more to Dr. Phillips than to Carol. “Soon you will start feeling the urge to push, but don’t do it until I tell you, okay?” Finally the nurse locked eyes with Carol who acquiesced to nod hastily.
“Do I have a fucking bowling ball between my legs or what?” Carol wailed after a while. “I need to push …” Her grip of Therese’s hand strengthened beyond what Therese thought possible, and it made her squint out of pain.
“Okay – push!” the midwife urged. “Let me have it! Push! Give it the best you got! Push, goddammit!”
Listening to the petite nurse suddenly hurl out the inflamed pep talk, Therese could hardly believe her own ears. Even Dr. Phillips seemed to be swept by the same feverish emotion to get Carol to throw all caution to the wind. If ever Therese had thought of hospitals as places of subdued sentiment, this was proving to be its invigorating opposite. Her cheeks aglow, she watched on how her previous notion of a dignified birth was shot to smithereens and replaced by something that resembled a rowdy sports event. She liked the latter one better. Much better.
“The baby’s moving!” the midwife narrated mimicking a sportscaster. “Hold it … NOW, give it another go! PUSH!” Carol huffed and puffed, which flashed the post-it note she had worn on her forehead in the birthday party back to Therese’s mind. It was so random, it almost brought a nervous chuckle out of her, but Carol was no big bad wolf – right now she was a fierce Amazon woman giving birth to an entire universe.
“Therese … “ Dr. Phillips managed to quip in-between the cheering. “You may want to check out what’s happening down here. Maybe take a photo or a video of the baby coming out?” Therese wasn’t sure what to say but the idea both appealed to her and repelled her at the same time.
“Don’t you dare!” Carol objected adamantly, tightening her death grip on Therese’s hand. The thought of Therese filming the birth in all its gory detail was obviously too much for her. Therese squeezed Carol’s hand back, letting her know she would not do anything she didn’t want her to do.
“PUSH!” the nurse ordered once again, and the cheering started anew. It was intoxicating in its unexpected lunacy, Therese mused, so unrestrained and wild, as if some untamed maternal spirit had descended upon them and tapped them into its primordial source. This is how new life should be brought into the world, with a rebel yell instead of ill-advised, muted reverence . She was happy to be a part of it, elated, really.
“The mirror, now!” the midwife ordered, and it was probably the only time it was okay for her to boss the doctor around. Dr. Phillips picked it up from a side table, and before either Carol or Therese understood its function, she held it between the bent knees to offer them the first sight of the baby’s head.
“Gently, gently now … “ the midwife calmed Carol down. “We don’t want her to rocket out, do we?” Therese could tell how intense the pressure was and how badly Carol wanted to be done with it, but Carol gritted her teeth and obeyed as well as she possible could.
It took Therese a second to truly understand that it was in fact the top of the baby’s scalp that was showing in the mirror. The tiny head kept advancing with each contraction and each push, accompanied by Carol’s grunting and swearing.
“We have a forehead!” Dr. Phillips declared as if it had been unclear only a moment ago whether such a thing was attached to the unborn child. The crowning continued, more details of the baby’s head becoming visible – the nose, the mouth, and suddenly, the chin, the perfect, small chin to complete the smudged whole.
Therese couldn’t get her eyes off of the wondrous thing that had hair on her head, soon also shoulders and a skinny butt, and when the wrinkled little monkey cried out for the first time, she was stunned to realize it possessed a voice more formidable than its stature. That voice was able to command undivided attention.
Finally in the midwife’s arms, the baby looked more naked than anything Therese had ever seen in her life. “What a beautiful girl,” the midwife smiled at Carol, turning next to address Therese. “Would you like to cut the umbilical cord?” she asked her.
Therese had expected to be asked this yet when the moment arrived, she was still surprised by it. Overcome by the task, one so simple but crucial, she did the honors, all the while gazing at the baby, the girl, their daughter . Therese looked at Carol who was equally moved by what was happening, by the enormity of an everyday miracle in a place like this, yet once-in-a-lifetime for them.
Therese looked and kept on looking when the girl was lifted onto Carol’s belly to be warmed up by her mother’s body, to be touched and marveled at for the first time. The emotions flooded Therese, they overloaded her senses. She was euphoric and excited, awed and utterly touched, everything at the same time.
“She came out of you … “ Therese muttered to Carol, her voice laced with reverent disbelief.
“I know,” Carol whispered, relieved to have arrived to this moment. She was swept away by the sight of their stupefying wonder, so much so that she paid hardly any attention to the placenta delivered only minutes later.
“You can touch her,” Carol said to Therese, noticing the sudden shyness Therese seemed to be experiencing. “The little imp … “ Carol’s words seemed to catch the girl’s attention.
“Uh-oh, I think she heard you,” Therese smiled, daring to caress the shriveled rump that lay still on Carol’s abdomen. The Imp formerly known as Giger, the invisible alien, showed signs of moving after the first moments of drowsy inactivity.
How it was possible for someone so otherwordly, so unaware of everything other than what she had known for the past nine months, to know what to do astounded her mothers. The baby nudged forward, beckoned by an unbeatable urge to find the source of nourishment. Crawling slowly, she pulled herself up, towards the bullseye – the nipple. The wondrous sequence bore the marks of what could only be described as tenacious survival, the innate need to attach to the lifeline of the mother in a new way. The baby, curious in her appearance with her wide eyes still gazing more inward than out, found the prize she was looking for, and it happened easily. When she finally got close enough to suckle, the tiny mouth opened up as if drawn out almost against her will. The impulse to latch on and to suck seemed to overcome the creature so entirely, it amazed not only Carol but Therese as well.
Dr. Phillips interrupted their tender moment some time later. “We need to stitch you up a bit, Carol. Nothing major, just some tearing, but I’d rather have it done in an operating room.”
Therese glanced at Carol, surprised by the sudden news. “I thought everything went smoothly?”
“It did, and this is quite common,” Dr. Phillips assured. “But let’s have it done right away, okay?” She motioned for the nurse to come and pick up the baby for a little while.
“Okay … “ Carol agreed to, reluctant to lose the feel of the little girl against her bosom.
“Therese will take care of the baby while you’re away.” Dr. Phillips’ words comforted Carol and puzzled Therese.
I will? Therese was totally unprepared for it, yet she wasn’t going to say anything. She nodded fast, lacing her fingers with Carol’s for a quick second before Dr. Phillips set her decision in motion. The bed was wheeled out of the room, leaving Therese alone with the midwife and the baby.
“Let’s start with her first bath,” the midwife said, holding the infant expertly on her left arm and chest. Therese nodded again, flustered by the new situation. She looked on as the small woman, so spunky only less than 30 minutes ago, cooed to the baby in a quiet, soothing voice. “Yes … it’s your mommy who’s going to bathe you now … “ She completed her sweet talk.
“What?” Therese mumbled, stunned by the sudden declaration. “Me?” She had taken care of Carly’s girls, but this one was something else – this one was … fragile and different .
“Yes, you.” The midwife obviously saw nothing curious in her insistence of having Therese to do the job. “I’ll guide you through it, so you can teach your partner to do it as well.” She sounded calm and confident – all the things Therese was not.
I’ll drop her. She will slip from my grip and be traumatized forever.God. Therese folded her arms across her chest just to keep her hands from shaking.
The midwife read her thoughts. “You’re not going to drop her, and you’ll do just fine,” she grinned at Therese. “I’ll be right next to you.” She turned the faucet on and adjusted the water temperature. “Your turn.”
Taking the baby in her arms, Therese felt clumsier than ever in her life. How weightless she was, so defenseless and minuscule, she thought, trying to understand what was expected of her. Ladling water with her cupped hand over the girl’s backside, her arms and legs, Therese breathed in and out as steadily as she could. She seems to enjoy it, Therese mused, a shy smile wiping her confusion away. When they were done, she felt almost bad for having to stop.
“This will be your special time together,” the midwife said after they had dressed the baby warmly. Taking her from Therese for a moment, she instructed her to change into a baggy hospital shirt. “You need a loose one for what comes next,” she smiled.
Not understanding what any of it implied, Therese did as she was told. She took a seat in the armchair below the small window to be handed the baby to hold. What she hadn’t seen coming was the midwife’s intention to slide the baby under her shirt.
“This way you’ll both be comfortable. You’ll be able to see her and she gets the closeness she needs.”
Therese cradled the baby in her arms, watching her through the opening of her shirt. The small head that had a little pink hat on aimed its big eyes at her. The girl seemed surprised to be there at first, her distant stare almost disapproving.
“Hey you … “ Therese said, smiling shyly at the newcomer. “I like the hat.” The girl’s brow lifted as if astonished to know that Therese could speak. “Not my color though.” The baby looked as if she was eager to hear more. “Not everyone can wear pink, but it suits you.” The tiny creature remained unimpressed. “We’ll get you other colors, don’t worry,” Therese comforted her. “How about green? Would you like that? It’s my favorite.” The baby writhed in her arms. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
I came to this planet on a spaceship called mother. Therese had heard these words spoken in a TV program she had randomly stumbled upon only weeks earlier. Gazing at her child, she suddenly understood what they had meant. The look on a newborn baby’s face bore an unearthliness Therese couldn’t connect with anything she had previously known. While restless in Carol’s womb, the baby had been called an alien, but only now Therese realized what kind of an alien she really was – one so out of touch with this Earth her mothers were tied down to. Nine months of floating in the dark seclusion had taught her nothing of gravity, nothing of what people spend so much time fretting over.
The dreams she must have had in her solitude. I wonder what they were like. Dreams of drifting through time and space, the umbilical cord her sole support in her journey. The little alien was all instincts, all survival, in her bud-like world that was slowly opening its petals one by one.
The midwife had instructed Therese to take off her bra before getting into the floppy shirt. That way her body could warm the baby more efficiently, she had said. The sweet, sullen alien hadn’t, however, paid any attention to such an oversimplified explanation. What took place next happened so suddenly, it made Therese gasp: the baby latched onto her nipple without a warning.
“Umm … ” Therese uttered, seriously startled. “The baby just … umm … she’s trying to … you know.” She could feel her cheeks glow out of surprise and slight embarrassment.
“Yeah, they do that.” The midwife peeked inside her shirt. “It’s quite alright. She wouldn’t be getting much out of her birth mother either at this point.” Seeing Therese’s bafflement, she nevertheless felt a need to elaborate. “This is a bonding experience for you two,” she said. “It will lay foundation to everything that comes after. Make the most of it.” The woman turned on her heels and, exiting the room, left them alone for the first time ever.
So here we are . Enchanted, Therese looked at the girl who lavished all her attention to what she had so aptly found. Her eyes were still wide open, and she appeared to be more at ease with the other mother whose voice she had heard through her fluid dreams. Fierce, protective emotions running rampant through her core, Therese was struck by something her father had said to her when the renovation had been almost done with.
”You’re not the lead vocalist anymore, Theodore.” Bob had looked at Therese sharply. “It’s back-ups for you now that you’ll be featuring a new star on stage.” Finishing his job, he had taken off his working gloves and pushed the baseball cap further back on his head. “House band duty isn’t always the most rewarding one personally, but as long as you keep the repertoire interesting, you’ll be able to squeeze in an occasional solo or two.” Therese had grinned at her father’s endless rock band metaphors.
“I know all that,” she had admitted willingly. “And I’m ready for it. I feel her moving restlessly around, and I’m already aware that I will do anything for her. That I would give my life for her in a heartbeat.” Therese did know it, and she had thought about how easy something like that might in fact be. The baby girl had become so real for her, so palpably present even though yet unborn.
“It’s a noble thought,” Bob had said. “One that I had myself all those years ago. And still do.” Therese had looked slightly confused, not knowing what he had meant to convey. “But it’s not enough, because, in a way, you will have to do it every single day.”
Therese hadn’t been sure what Bob had implied. “Do what?” she had inquired.
“Give your life to her every single day.” Bob’s smile had been wistful. “Sometimes it can be very hard.” He had gathered his tools into the tool box and promptly shut it. “And when you one day wake up and see that your child no longer needs you quite that much, you will know you have done something right.” He had laid his hand on Therese’s shoulder. “It is the duty of a parent to make himself unnecessary. That’s how it’s supposed to be.”
For the next four hours, Therese sat in the chair with the baby who suckled and, finally, fell asleep. When Carol finally made it to their private room, Therese was calm and over the moon at the same time. Carol looked at her and the baby, and the smile that spread across her face said everything. To know real happiness and to touch the serenity sought for in the numbing succession of days and months and years – even if for just one perfect moment – was all and even more.
A ripple in space-time continuum, Therese mused to herself, making all three of them comfortable on Carol’s hospital bed.
Or what do you say?