Eclipse

“First of all, I’m not going to pretend this isn’t awkward as fuck, you telling me this.” Jane glanced at Therese apprehensively. “But in a way, I’m glad you did. I’m moving on as well, although I’m not always aware of it.” Amused, she scoffed at her own realization.

Therese looked at Jane apologetically. “I’m sorry I blurted it all out to you,” she said. “I guess it’s just that in some ways you know me better than anyone.” She had returned to Poughkeepsie the day before. No longer feverish, Therese had picked up her car from where she had left it the day of Lou and Mickey’s birthday party, on the street facing Abby and Gen’s apartment. Walking over to it, she had been extremely nervous as if she were stealing a car instead of getting into her own Jeep. So close to Carol’s friends’ home, Therese had felt like a prowler who was afraid to be seen.  

Carol had looked after her for three days, making sure Therese had had plenty of everything – food, drink and rest. She was grateful for it and pleased to finally have Carol tell her about the baby. Therese wasn’t, however, pleased about what had happened after the confession. Running into Jane on campus, she had agreed to have lunch with her. Before Therese had known it, she had told Jane what was bothering her.

“Oh Therese…” Jane sighed. “Why didn’t you just... hold her?” Jane seemed genuinely distressed by what she had just learned.

“I don’t know,” Therese grumbled. “I was sick as a dog and upset and confused… and I guess I thought it was expected of me.”

Jane looked at Therese funny. “You thought sex was expected of you?” she asked. “You just wanted to kill the conversation before it had even begun,” Jane stated. “And it sure has a familiar ring to it.” She let out another long sigh.

“She seemed to like it...” Therese mumbled, reluctant to accept what she knew to be true.

“Who wouldn’t!” Jane exclaimed. “It still doesn’t make it right.” She sounded exasperated. “First you give her a totally random timeline to deliver her news, and when she actually does, you can’t handle it.” She broke off a piece of her pecan pie and pierced it with her fork. “Or was this one of those little tests of yours no one can ever pass? Have sex with me and be damned for wanting it too soon, or don’t have sex with me and be damned because you don’t find me irresistible?” Chewing the overly sweet mouthful, Jane stared at Therese expectantly.  

Her assessment hit too close to home. Therese had been stunned into silence after having gotten what she had hastened to assume she wouldn’t be getting at all. And the quip about her testing Carol bordered on cruelty, for she did have the tendency to pass judgement all too haphazardly. In more ways than one, she hadn’t come far from making decisions based on the hoops she had managed to shoot in her old school’s courtyard.  

“I truly hope you didn’t leave it at that?” Jane asked. “Or did you roll over and fall asleep?” Her sharp question was based on prior, personal experience.

“As I said, I was very ill…” Therese started out feebly.

“Goddammit, Therese!” Jane interrupted. “Are you so afraid you’re just some horny interlude in her life that you’re willing to turn yourself into one?” She hesitated what to say next. It didn’t come out easy. “I saw how enamored you were with her when we had our talk, although you didn’t breathe a word about her.” She drew a pained breath. “You were lit up from within, yet so calm and in balance…” Jane forked the nutty, sticky crumbs of her pie, hoping they would grant her the strength to go on for a minute longer. “I’ve never seen you like that.”

Therese thought about the nights she had spent with Carol, the easy happiness and the seamless connection they had enjoyed. She wished she could turn back the time to the moment when everything had been untainted by her hastiness, her sudden lack of faith in herself with a woman who had seemed too good to be true.

And the problem was just that - her stubborn conviction that if and when something seemed that way, it couldn’t possibly be real; that it, in fact, had to be its opposite. Despite everything she had ever learned, she still viewed the world around her in stark contrasts. The good had to be the best, the not-so-good always falling on the side of downright dreadful.

“Most of the time you project such a cocksure ego, you fail to understand it’s your sensitive side other people find attractive in the end,” Jane said candidly. “I thought a glimmer of it had dawned on you, and I’d hate to think I was mistaken.” She scraped her dessert plate clean.

Therese held a coffee mug between her palms. The cappuccino was undrinkable, having cooled off to a point it no longer interested her. “I’m such an ass, aren’t I?” she said more as a statement than a question.

“You’re just insecure like we all are,” Jane replied. “But you do have some major thinking to do. A baby is a huge fact of life you can’t avoid, should you wish to keep on pursuing her.” She chuckled at something that took a moment to materialize in words. “You changing diapers in six months… that I would like to see.”

Therese’s smile was faint but charming. “Thanks for putting that image into my mind,” she groaned, but the groan sounded amused as well. She hadn’t really thought about it, the news of Carol’s pregnancy being so recent. But she did understand the enormity of its implications, and the enormity was mind-boggling because it meant Carol couldn’t choose her for just herself anymore. If she were truly interested in Therese, it would mean choosing her for her child as well.

Therese thought about the tiny seedling seemingly biding its time but actually raising hell in the woman she cared about. All those atoms in a single molecule of its DNA amount to the number of stars in a galaxy , she remembered having read somewhere. Therese had followed Carly’s pregnancies up close and been present in her children’s lives from their very first moments, but this was different. Carol was different.

Therese wanted to focus on the unborn child but she dared not to, fearing it would jinx her chances with Carol, were she to let the idea capture her imagination. And it was too soon anyway, she mused, for she had risked everything with her reckless behavior. Nevertheless, a part of her brain pondered it subconsciously now, the baby being a hologram of not only Carol’s but her future as well, evolving into a wondrous creature as unique as the universe, a universe unto itself.

“You do have one marvelous thing riding on your side, you know…” Jane said breaking the silence that had fallen between them. “Your family.”

Therese quirked her eyebrows, not getting what Jane was alluding to at first.

“Don’t give me that,” Jane almost huffed. “You know damn well you have the most amazing, crazy beautiful family that ever lived.” She rolled her eyes at Therese’s continuing state of puzzlement. “There have been times I’ve missed Bob, Rose and your brothers more than I’ve missed you. Even Carly, though I know she was never that keen on me,” Jane elaborated wistfully.

“Carly had nothing against you,” Therese attempted. After all her sister’s antagonistic views were purely based on Jane’s betrayal, nothing else.

“Nice try, and I do appreciate it,” Jane laughed. “Anyway, all I’m saying is that they’re your biggest asset whenever you muck up. Take advantage of it now that you start - groveling?” She was amused by her witticism. “And for God’s sake, Therese, keep it in your pants for now, will you?”

Therese inhaled, wondering if she would be able to know and do the right thing. She looked at Jane, and she wished she would have seen her like this when they had been together. What a mixed blessing it was to find the person you were no longer with nothing short of breathtaking. What a gorgeous sight , Therese thought, smiling at a friend .   

Growing impatient, Abby had been trying to get the waiter’s attention for the past ten minutes. The diminutive man aware of his haughty self-importance ruled the barroom with his trademark arrogance, and although it irritated Abby immeasurably, she had to let it slide. The place had the best cocktails in the city. She looked at Carol who had hardly touched her mocktail.

“So when are you going to see each other again?” Abby asked Carol. In her opinion, the conversation had meandered along meaningless lines.

“Weekend, maybe,” Carol replied in a manner she hoped would exude nonchalance. “Therese has her job at the observatory, not to mention her classes. She’s behind in her studies.”

“I’m glad you finally told her,” Abby said. “She deserved to hear it from you after having found it out so unexpectedly.” Her seventh attempt to wave at their waiter looked promising enough.     

“What on earth are you saying?” Carol asked, stunned to hear her words. “Therese didn’t know about it until I told her.”

Furrowing her brow, Abby looked troubled. She had been certain Therese would have told Carol about the brochure. “I happen to think she did,” she said. “In fact, I’m sure of it.” She explained what she had found out.

Carol didn’t want to believe in Abby’s theory at first, but after hearing her out, she reluctantly agreed with it. Something had been off with Therese even though she hadn’t been able to put her finger on it. Up till now she had been willing to think of it having had to do with Therese’s fevered condition, her less-than-normal state of mind that could hardly handle issues of such magnitude.

To learn about Therese’s prior knowledge bothered Carol. She could understand Therese wanting to wait for her to bring it up, but why hadn’t she mentioned it afterwards? During those three days Therese had stayed at Carol’s, convalescing, she had told Therese everything she had wanted to know. Therese had asked the basic questions like how far along she was, had she been to the ultrasound, was she still suffering from nausea, politely listening to Carol explain every last detail.

Her questions had been absolutely cordial and kind, Carol thought. Therese had refrained from more intimate inquiries, which Carol had also been okay with. Surely she hadn’t been up to more at the moment. Still, her knowing it and not telling her about it put things in a slightly different light. What if Therese’s tactfulness had stemmed from something else than cordiality? Not that Carol wanted to second guess Therese’s motives; what had transpired between them that morning in Carol’s apartment had given her plenty to think about.

Tact was something Abby rarely displayed when her best friend was concerned. “Did anything happen between you two during this time?” she pried the first chance she got. “I know Therese was ill and all, but any heavy handholding maybe..?” Abby’s grin was wide and wonderful.

Hearing the question, Carol swallowed her drink the wrong way. Her coughing gave away more than she had intended to.

“No fucking way!” Abby chortled. “While she was feverish and in bed? Goddammit, girlfriend, you weren’t kidding about taking her to bed!” Abby was unspeakably giddy. “Aww… your first time…” she mellowed soon after. “Did you have a good time?” Her brown eyes were twinkling out of unbridled excitement.

“Yes.” Carol admitted, thrown by both her misplaced Shirley Temple and Abby’s straightforward question.

“And all that kissing and… kissing,” Abby continued, her eyes looking over Carol’s shoulder in sweet reminiscence.

“We didn’t kiss.” The bomb Carol dropped in Abby’s lap took its time to detonate.

“Excuse me?” she asked her eyes wide. “Did I get this right – you... fucked but you didn’t kiss?” Abby wanted to make sure she hadn’t misunderstood anything.

“No kissing,” Carol confirmed. “I don’t necessarily find it so extraordinary.” But she did, even though she claimed otherwise.

“Not if you’re a prostitute,” Abby was quick to point out. “But I’d like to think no money exchanged hands here.” She bit her tongue, knowing she was skirting around a sensitive subject.

“Therese was sick,” Carol pointed out defensively. “Germs and all, you know…”

Baffled, Abby leaned against the back of her chair. “Yeah, because getting naked with the flu patient doesn’t do the trick otherwise...” The waiter brought Abby her Old Fashioned just as she had said it. Carol remained quiet, and Abby had to wait till the sourpuss of a waiter had left them in peace. “So how many times did you indulge in this strangely restrictive expression of acute desire?” she asked.

“Once.” Carol was reluctant to talk about it. Not that she wouldn’t have had dozens of questions for someone as experienced as Abby, but because she found what had happened confusing. It hadn’t been reciprocal . Carol had enjoyed it, but she hadn’t been given the chance to respond accordingly, to return the favor. Therese had been absolutely lovely and attentive to her needs, almost to the point of being detached herself.

“What’s wrong?” Abby asked sharply. “Something’s wrong.” She saw it all written on Carol’s face, the bewilderment, the helplessness.

“I don’t know,” Carol gasped. “I doubt if Therese got anything out of it…” Suddenly pained, her voice died out.

“Oh honey,” Abby said gently. “Give it some time. I’m sure she loved it.” She squeezed Carol’s arm encouragingly. “Practice makes perfect,” Abby quipped, winking at her. “Remember Gladwell’s rule for achieving world-class expertise in any skill – you have to do it for 10,000 hours…”

Carol smiled weakly at Abby’s jollity. “First I need to be given the chance to do just that…” she muttered but Abby heard her. “It was just so one-sided,” Carol elaborated, noticing Abby’s concerned expression. “ I got off – she didn’t seem to want the same,” she concluded.

“The illness can do that to you, I suppose,” Abby attempted to explain. “I mean Therese was running a fever, and it’s not like you’re feeling awfully hot when you’re… well, awfully hot .”                 

Abby’s insight didn’t help Carol at all. It only made her feel worse. “Why did she then initiate it in the first place?” she couldn’t help but ask. “I wasn’t expecting that… I did want her terribly at the party, but I would surely have waited for some other time.”

Abby looked pensive. “But you didn’t wait, you went along with it,” she said plainly. “You could have said ‘Therese, you’re not well. Let’s wait’. Don’t just make this about something she did, it’s not fair.”

Abby had a point, Carol admitted. She had followed Therese’s lead willingly, eagerly, in fact, for she had been dying to have Therese touch her. And Carol had been ready in no time, relishing in the quick ascent and its rapturous climax. Did I use her? Did I take advantage of her challenged condition? Those two questions had ricocheted in her brain ever since it had happened.

Carol missed Therese, but right now she was frightened as well. Frightened of her own sense of veering off the path she had pegged magical; afraid of the thought of having to turn around and return to the point of her origin, to the point before Therese.

For the first time in a very long while she thought of Harge, of their life together, of the safety of knowing exactly what would happen today and tomorrow despite it having had its downside as well. The grief, dispersed because of the serendipitous stranger, crawled back like the avenger in a half-hearted horror sequel. She missed Therese, she told herself - or was it the feeling of not grieving she missed instead?    

Carol didn’t know. But she would find it out.