Eclipse

PART II: THERESE

Poughkeepsie - the morning of Harge’s funeral

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“Come back, Teddy Bear...” Therese ignored the plea. The laces on her hiking boots had frayed in several places, making them look unkempt and raggedy. Soon they would tire of their steady strain and snap in two. “You don’t have to go just yet, do you?” the voice in the bed asked. “I could make you waffles. I have blueberries,” it went on hopefully.

Aware of the sudden movement behind her, Therese stiffened. When nothing happened, she continued tying her right boot.  It didn’t look pretty, but it would have to do, she decided.

“Say something, baby.” The woman behind Therese had raised herself on her elbows. “We could stay here for a while longer and maybe go out to eat,” she said longingly. “Get some tacos…”

Therese stood up and straightened the creases on her cargo pants. “You don’t like tacos, Jane,” she said dryly. She turned to glance at the young sandy-haired woman who was only partly covered by a wrinkled sheet. Jane frowned, but the corners of her mouth curved up to a smile.

Therese knew that smile very well. She knew it as well as this room, its plain white walls and the cotton tapestry with its glow-in-the-dark constellations that still hung above the bed. Jane had gotten it for her for Christmas two years ago. The space in front of the window was vacant, missing her desk. The dark grooves on the wooden floor marked the place where her swivel chair had been.  

Therese could have closed her eyes and listed all the things on the window sills – the squiggly bonsai tree, the retro chess clock with embellished numbers, the piles of pocket books gathering dust and fading in the sun – all the items in the cupboards and on the shelves of the small pantry, the glass vase on the kitchen table that looked like an elephant trumpeting a fanfare with its trunk. Therese loved that silly vase, and she wished she had taken it with her when she had moved to the commune a year ago. She had left with only the bare necessities, not wanting to waste another minute on arguing about what had happened and why.

Therese knew the bed at the center of the room, how the springs of its mattress had squeaked under their combined weight in the beginning. She knew this place and the woman whom she had shared it with like the back of her hand, for she had lived in this apartment for three years. It had been her home. She had been her home.

Jane got up, not minding her nakedness at all. After all, it wasn’t anything Therese hadn’t seen for at least a thousand times. “I’ve missed not liking them,” Jane said, her voice distinctly lower than only a minute ago. No longer coy, it had acquired an air of sincerity as if instinctively knowing when Therese had had enough. “Some other time then.” She walked over to Therese and put her hands on her shoulders. “Do what you have to do,” Jane said, smiling confidently. “I will wait for you.”

Thrown off by Jane’s sudden amiability, Therese nodded and turned to leave. “Later,” she mumbled, easing the clunky door open lest it got stuck on the threshold again.

She walked past the barren yard, guessing she was being watched from the window. Maybe Jane expected her to turn around and look her way, to blow her a kiss like she had used to do, though she doubted it. They hadn’t reached that point in their ‘coming back together again’, as Jane had termed it. As far as Therese was concerned they were far away from anything even resembling that, their encounters mainly sexual and emotionally confusing.

Yet she kept returning for more, for ‘another mind fuck’ as Carly called it. Therese had strictly forbidden her to ever mention anything about it to Bob and Rose. Her mother had endured her share of Therese’s utter desolation a year ago, and she certainly didn’t need to suffer again because of Therese’s sudden indecision. Carly didn’t understand her behavior any better nor did she hide her discontent.

How could Therese explain to her what she was doing when she didn’t even know it herself? We go back a long way, Therese had attempted in vain. It had to count as something. And how could she condemn the person she had loved so madly by just one transgression, no matter how much it had hurt? People deserve second chances, Bob had taught them. Didn’t she owe Jane one more stab at getting things right? Therese had asked her stepsister.

“How many stabs can your heart take, Teddy?” Carly had asked her instead. “If Jack ever cheated on me, I’d have his ass flying out of the door in a heartbeat.” Carly meant it, and not even having kids had changed her opinion about it.

Driving her Jeep out of the parking lot, Therese breathed a sigh of relief. She had bought the car soon after her breakup with the money her father’s sister had left her. Her spinster aunt had had no children of her own, and Therese was among the few surviving members of the Belivet family.

Aunt Agatha hadn’t been wealthy by any modern standards, but her frugal lifestyle had secured Therese a nifty nest egg. The way Therese had been spending it didn’t, however, bode well for her future. The car, the camera, the telescopes, and the astrophotography excursions, all of them had amounted to a small fortune already. Therese couldn’t care less about it though. If she was supposed to squander it all away, she would. It's only money.  

The fall-out with Jane had screwed up Therese’s studies, and she was still feeling its ripple effects. Her academic record was suffering, and she had been reminded of it several times over the year. Despite all the warnings, Therese had found it hard to attend her classes, partly because of the fear of running into Jane, partly because she had found something more interesting – the celestial sky through the lens of her camera.

Therese had always been interested in astronomy, but over the past year she had truly immersed herself in her new hobby. Looking up had prevented her from falling down, she had mused, enamored by her endless source of fascination. Maybe the expanding universe will fade my troubles into obscurity, she had hoped.

Life had become a never ending space odyssey for Therese, the earth as humanity’s mothership coursing through the galaxy at dizzying speed. She gazed at the constellation known as Leo, and recalled what she had read about the universe echoing its own birth with cosmic background radiation. Understanding this ‘glow of heat’ had helped astronomers to calculate the earth’s speed and direction.

Even if everything in her life was at a standstill, the earthling Therese was still moving forward, surging towards Leo at a speed of 242 miles per second. Tens of trillions of miles away, the majestic lion would always loom far in the distance, but it was the voyage that counted, she preferred to think. The most abstract and unfathomable to the human mind was the most beautiful thing in the universe for her, and she wanted to learn as much of it as she possibly could.

Therese returned to her room in the commune, closing the door behind her. It had taken her time to get used to the idea of sharing an apartment with others, but after the breakup she had appreciated their company even though she hadn’t really confided in any of them. Sam, her closest roommate, knew the basics, having heard Therese sobbing one night after she had just moved in.

“Every new day will be a little better, I promise,” Sam had assured her. “It’s like growing up when you’re just a kid or learning to play an instrument. You wish you’d make progress and you think you’re stalling, yet you’re not,” she had said kindly. “Then one day all those microscopic changes come together and you open your eyes to the change that is you.” It had certainly been hard for Therese to believe, heartbroken and devastated.

Therese wanted to sleep but lying down reminded her too much of the night before. She picked up the clothes cluttering the floor by the wing chair – a Smiths T-shirt Dannie had given her, a pair of black skinny jeans pulled inside out, and a gray loose-knit sweater. The bookcase was bulging with disorderly volumes she should have gotten rid of ages ago, Therese thought begrudgingly. Instead of doing anything about it, she sank into the lush chair, exhausted by her spurt of activity.

Her bed was unmade even though she hadn’t slept in it in four nights. Therese had ended up at Jane’s far too often these past few weeks, thinking each time that it was an exception that wouldn’t repeat itself. She would start her day deciding it wouldn’t happen anymore, or at least not until she had made up her mind about it. When the restlessness had set in, she had nevertheless found herself there again.

Nowadays Jane was always home, always waiting, and as long as Therese didn’t have to look her in the eyes in bed, everything went well enough. It was an understatement, and Therese was all too aware of it. To use sex to get even with someone was both despicable and addictive, Carly had pointed out. “It will eventually warp how you feel about it altogether,” she had warned Therese.

“Whatever.” She could take care of herself, Therese had assured her. “I’m not your helpless little sister anymore." Sighing, Carly had just shaken her head and resumed preparing a bridal bouquet for the next day’s pick-up. Jane had once suggested they should tie the knot, make it official. “Are you proposing to me?” Therese had chuckled in response.

“Maybe,” Jane had smiled back, but nothing more had come out of it. A year later, Therese had thanked her lucky stars for having dodged the issue at the time. She wondered if it would have felt different to find a wife in bed with someone else instead of just a girlfriend.    

Therese picked up a book she had on the floor by the bed and laid down to browse it. Her mother had given it to her. It had belonged to Therese’s biological father Joseph who had often quoted its passages. It felt appropriate to read it there, surrounded by the things and the furniture he had once owned.

The Collected Poems by C.P. Cavafy. One poem in particular had several markings on it, and Therese knew it almost by heart.

As you set out for Ithaka
hope the voyage is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
angry Poseidon—don’t be afraid of them:

you’ll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.

Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
wild Poseidon—you won’t encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you…

Soon after, the lines blurred together and the book drooped against her chest. Therese fell asleep, and the rest it bequeathed her was dreamless and easy. 

When she woke up, the room was cloaked in early evening shadows. For a moment Therese feared she had overslept, but she had still time to make it to the observatory as she had promised. There would be no showing tonight, but the maintenance work couldn’t wait. Therese would go through the telescopic equipment, scanning for imperfections that had to be dealt with before the beginning of next week. It was a pleasurable duty for her, for it allowed her to spend time alone in the observatory she very much enjoyed. Time permitting, she might even take a peek at the skies on her own.

The quiet serenity of the observatory set apart from the other campus buildings appealed to her as always. Therese had turned on as few lights as possible, for she liked the murky calm that seemed to loiter around. After finishing her tasks, she lingered in the office longer than she had intended. Truth be told, she didn’t want to leave even if the weather wasn’t ideal for stargazing. Therese dreaded what she would do next, where she would once again end up. She was losing the battle, and the first sign of her loss was always the same. What’s the harm in it? Therese started asking herself. What’s so wrong about wanting to love someone even if nothing’s the same as it once was? The last question was the real surefire killer. Isn’t this a chance for me to grow as a person?                     

It was right then and there when she heard someone banging on the door. No one was expected here at this hour, Therese knew. First she thought about ignoring it, but her curiosity got the better of her. “Are you looking for someone?” she asked the retreating figure. The blonde woman turned around slowly and looked at her surprised. The features of her face, the well-defined, full lips and the clear blue eyes, were striking yet fragile, Therese thought. She looked lost, confused, and when she told Therese she had come for a show, Therese didn’t believe her. She seemed harmless though.

Poor basket case, Therese mused, locking the door again. Something about the stranger nevertheless bothered her, and without thinking about it further, she picked up her jacket and ran after her. The least I can do is to give her a lift, she thought, catching up with the woman. Fifteen minutes later she had offered her a place to crash for the night.

What the hell did I just do? ran through Therese’s mind, as they were exiting the campus area. The willing enthusiasm she had just displayed by inviting a perfect stranger to spend the night in her place was downright baffling. Maybe Therese had wanted someone to decide her evening for her, or maybe she had just felt sorry for the woman. And she was very beautiful. Dannie would die of laughter if he heard about this.

Carol. Therese liked the name. It sounded regal yet unpretentious, and she was prone to associate the same qualities to the woman herself. Carol seemed taciturn, another trait that Therese appreciated. Her answers were laconic but not impolite.  

When they got to the apartment, Therese wasn’t happy with what she saw. Great, she fumed silently, another Vassar dickhead revival. She noticed Richard glaring at her when she notified her roommates of her guest. Others were thankfully oblivious to their arrival. Carol seemed disoriented, almost hesitant, but she followed Therese to her room all the same.  

Therese cleared up what was needed in Sam’s room, getting it ready for Carol. When she stepped into the kitchen to make tea, Richard poked his nose in. “Who’s the blonde babe?” he asked sharply. “Does Jane know?”

Therese poured the boiling water into two mugs and sighed. “Well, why don’t you call her and tell her all about it,” she egged him on. “She’s your sister after all.”

Knotting his brow, Richard exhaled vocally. “That’s not what I mean. I just want you guys to work things out, you know that.” His tone was kinder, conciliatory. 

“I know you mean well, but it’s none of your business,” Therese said matter-of-factly. Without another word, she took the mugs and disappeared back to her room. If Richard was under the impression that she was going to have sex with a stranger tonight, she wouldn’t lift a finger to change that notion.

Even if Therese would have fancied a one night stand, her mind might have changed drastically during the next hour she shared with Carol over tea. Carol wasn’t much of a conversationalist, Therese discovered, amused by her blank stare and drooping head. Her fingers were bravely draped around the tea mug, but Therese was sure she would drop it any minute.

Removing the cooled drink from her tired grip, Therese took pity on Carol and helped her to undress in Sam’s room. Watching Carol take off her shirt and unhook her bra, Therese folded Carol’s jeans on the floor. She should have averted her eyes from Carol’s bare torso but she didn’t. For a blink of an eye, the light from the window played on the soft swell of Carol’s breast. Therese smiled and cast her eyes down, should her guest now decide to look at her. The night and the sleep clinging so heavily to her, Carol embodied an elfin beauty Therese found suddenly captivating. It was almost as if Carol wasn’t in this world anymore but in-between two realms, both charmingly ephemeral, she thought.      

Therese lay awake in the dark, forgetting the trials of her mind. She listened to the steady breathing coming from the next room, and she wondered what kind of a deed she had done. She had barely fallen asleep when Carol nearly kicked the door in and rushed to the bathroom. After what seemed like a long time to be waiting silently, Therese heard her come back.

Though she saw the tears and heard the words, Therese still didn’t understand what it was that possessed her to make room for Carol in her bed. Therese only knew she needed to give as much as she could, to be more and better and gentler than she had been for a long time. When Carol succumbed to sleep again, her body sought to align with Therese’s softly, insistently. Her T-shirt had risen up, revealing the constellations of freckles on Carol’s back. Her arm circling Carol’s waist, Therese pulled her even closer, all the way against her hips, her chest and her lips. She inhaled, intoxicated, the scent of a stranger who was alive despite her dead.