When she was young, it started with a feeling. She knew she felt more for Emma than other people did for their best friends. She didn’t know how to explain it—she mostly didn’t think about it until those times when Emma smiled at her, or held her hand, and her chest felt like it would burst. Emma was just…Emma. And Audrey loved her.
When she was a little older, she started to think about kissing—think about kissing Emma. She’d listen to Emma talk about boys and nod and make up her own crushes while thinking about what it would be like to lean in just a little closer, to have their lips pressed together.
She knew she shouldn’t feel that way, but she couldn’t think it was wrong. How could she not love Emma like that? She was smart and kind and beautiful and everything. Loving Emma was natural for Audrey, and to not love her would be not to breathe.
She got older and it wasn’t just kissing she thought about, it wasn’t just getting married and living together and never losing her. She thought about sex with Emma, what it would be like, how much she wanted it. She wanted to touch her, feel skin against skin, trail her lips down her body. And that was what made her feel wrong. She knew she shouldn’t fantasize, she knew Emma wouldn’t feel comfortable around her if she knew. Wanting to kiss her was one thing, but wanting to fuck her was another. So she loved, and pined, and fantasized, and lusted with shame.
Anger filled her up, ripped her heart open when Emma left her. She lost her, she lost her—she lost her like she never thought would happen. And while she hated her she still loved her. It was stuck in her heart, burned into her being and wouldn’t be repressed or thrown away. Part of her resented it—a small part of her thought she deserved it. Maybe if she hadn’t thought of her like that, if she hadn’t wanted things she shouldn’t have, she wouldn’t be without her.
It was slow, months and months of drowning in love and hate, until one day she realized it was gone. Not the entirety, she still loved her, couldn’t shake that, but she didn’t want her how she used to. She no longer fantasized, no longer felt her stomach flip when she saw her walking down the hallways, beautiful and happy. She’d take Emma back in an instant, but now she only longed for her as a friend.
Confessing to Emma how she had loved her, how she broke her heart abandoning her was a relief, embarrassment barely felt. It was in the past, it was gone, and Emma knowing no longer panicked her. She asked to know, and now she did. And Audrey refused to be ashamed of her feelings—she had done much worse than want her best friend. And when Emma didn’t say anything, didn’t bring it up again, pretended it didn’t happen, it was alright. She had her friend back, her friend she loved as she was supposed to, who she could feel real happiness for when she showed interest in someone.
She’d thought it would stay as it was, after months passing without a mention. But then came a movie night at Audrey’s, sitting on her bed, shoulders and thighs touching, watching bad comedies and laughing. And out of nowhere Emma brought it up, what Audrey had said in the barn. She was too shocked to respond, too shocked to do anything when Emma kissed her. She kissed back, because it was natural to, because she wasn’t thinking. It was nice, nice like any kiss with someone she cared for, but it was nothing more. No warmth spread through her, no tingles ran down her skin. Her heart didn’t speed in excitement, beating yes yes yes. And when Emma pulled away there was hope in her eyes, a smile on her lips—until she noticed Audrey’s face. And Audrey was quick, maybe too quick with what needed to be said.
“I’m sorry Em, but I don’t feel that way anymore.”
She didn’t try to stop Emma as she pulled away from her, stuttering out apologies. She didn’t try to stop her when she said she needed to get home, when she gathered her things quickly and left. She knew Emma wouldn’t leave her again, that their friendship wouldn’t be ruined. She could give her space, let her be comforted with solitude or Brooke. Emma would get over her, like she had gotten over Emma.
It wasn’t fair that now she had to break Emma’s heart. She wished she felt the same. She wished she was still in love with her, wished she could give them both this—a relationship with someone they trusted and loved. But she couldn’t. Those feelings were gone and it wasn’t fair—it was’t fair that their timing had been wrong, that their feelings didn’t match up. And now all Audrey could do was wait for them to align.